Chapter 7 – Dinnaow with Joss
August 1991 –
Down, down, you bring me down
“Joss. Turn your bloody music off and come downstairs for dinner,” shouted Mum.
“What?” shouted Joss.
Joss has been a lot different recently. She’s happier. All of a sudden, she went from being sad all the time to being happy all the time. She’s nicer to Mum, nicer to Dad, nicer to me. She used to shout at Jake and be really horrible. Now she does what she used to do to him – she shouts at him but smiles at the same time and makes him laugh. She’s been chatting to me more and making me smile. I’d forgotten she could do that.
I hear you knockin’ down my door and I can’t sleep at night
“Joss. Turn it off and come down for your dinner. I’ve got a surprise for you,” shouted Mum.
“What? I can’t hear you,” said Joss. I could hear her voice above the music.
Everyone has been happier recently. Jake threw away his school uniform the other day. He took it into the garden and put it on the bonfire. He doesn’t go out with the babbobs anymore. He smiles a lot more and talks to people more. He doesn’t talk to me much, and still won’t let me go into his room, but at least he doesn’t shout at me too much anymore. It’s a shame because he’s not as funny as he used to be. He doesn’t get as annoyed as he used to get. He doesn’t spend a lot of time at home now. Mum and Dad have been smiling more recently. I don’t know why.
Your face it has no place.
“Joss,” shouted Mum. “I won’t say it again. And when you come down can you bring your brother with you?”
“What?” said Joss.
It feels really good that everyone is happy. Which is OK, I suppose – only it also feels as if people are doing more stuff for themselves. Hardly anyone speaks to me anymore. Only Mum and Robboaw. I see a lot more of Robboaw now. He takes me out even if I’m not at Arvoom. That seems quite strange. It’s nice as well because I get to go out loads, but I would rather go out more with my family. We haven’t been out together for ages. When we went out before, we weren’t very happy, so I suppose it’s not so bad that we don’t go out as much. Perhaps it’s because we don’t go out together that everyone else seems so happy. I’m not sure if I’m happy. Home is a nicer place to be because everyone seems to like each other more, but it doesn’t really feel the same way as it did ages ago. I’m not sure which I prefer.
I am the resurrection and I am the light/I couldn’t ever bring myself to hate you as I flyyyyyyyyeeeeyyyeeyy
“Joss,” shouted Mum. “I’m not…Oh.”
“What?” said Joss.
Joss came into my room and told me it was time for dinnaow. We walked downstairs and…
“Surprise,” said Mum, Dad and Jake. All the lights were turned off and there were lots of candles everywhere. There were some decorations up on the walls and my sheet from my bed with words written on it.
Good luck at university!
I don’t know what it said. The table had loads of food and cold drink on it. Mum, Dad and Jake were dressed really smartly with silly hats on their heads. It looked really nice, and the food smelled good. I laughed and shook my head. I sat down at the table and waited for my dinnaow. Joss looked at all the decorations and looked at me with a little smile. I think she winked as well – it was hard to tell with all the lights off.
“I … don’t what to say,” she said. “You shouldn’t have made such a big fuss.”
I was getting really hungry now. I didn’t know why all the decorations were up or why everyone looked so smart, but the smell of the food – sangy rolls and pizza – was making me hungry. I wanted Mum to bring the food out. I even thought about eating one of the candles.
After some hugs and kisses everyone finally sat down at the table and Mum brought the food out – we had meat and potitots with loads of veggies – ackee! Everyone smiled and talked and laughed loads. It was just how it used to be. I realised how much I missed it when we all sat down at the table and smiled all the time. I enjoy going to Arvoom and seeing Robboaw and I enjoy going to Cath’s and the old ladies houses in Adinna. But I miss the family smiling and talking.
I hadn’t thought about it for ages, but I knew things were changing. Jake and Joss were getting really big now and behaved a lot more like Mum and Dad. Everyone had been at home for the summer holidays, and we’d spent more time doing stuff. Not so much together – we were spending more time apart. A while ago we all went to a little field in Adinna for the day. There was lots of food and drink, and people from Adinna were playing games with balls and sticks. Me and my family all went together and spent the whole time laughing and eating. I hugged lots of people and made them smile. The babbobs were there, but Jake didn’t speak to them that much. I hugged them all anyway.
“Do you realise you’re the first Olsen ever to go to university? The rest of us were far too intelligent,” said Dad.
“Are you jealous, Dad?” said Joss.
“What of? Spending most of my time around young women and going drinking all the time? What’s there to be jealous about?” said Dad.
Sometimes I miss the way it used to be in my family. The day we came to Adinna from our very old home, I felt like we were a family. When Gran came to stay for Chrimbo and made me laugh all the time, we were together then. Even a little while ago when we went to the thing in the field in Adinna, I felt like we were a family. But sitting at that table, I didn’t think we were the same as we used to be. I wasn't sad and I didn’t feel bad – I just felt different. But I didn’t really want things to be different – I wanted things to be the way they were. Why do things have to change? I don’t understand.
Jake smiled and talked to Joss. Joss smiled and talked back. Jake smiles loads more now than back when he was friends with the babbobs. I think he’s got new friends now. They live near Arvoom, I think. I’ve never seen them, but they certainly make him smile more than the babbobs. He listens to different music as well. He’s started taking Joss’ music from her room when she’s not here. He’s also getting his own new music. It’s much better than his old stuff. I do miss it though. Jake’s old music means young Jake. I find that I’m missing a lot of stuff. Even though everyone is happy, they feel less like my family than when they were all a bit sadder. It’s really strange.
Mum’s behaving more strangely than everyone else. I don’t know how – she just is.
She’s the only one who really talks to me now. When everyone else is around, she smiles and laughs loads. But when we’re on our own, she starts crying. When we drive to and from Arvoom, she cries and says loads of stuff I don’t understand. I know she’s sad about something, but I don’t know what. I don’t think it’s me who’s making her sad, because she always hugs and kisses me. Whenever she hugs me now she holds me really tight. It’s like she’s scared to let go of me. I don’t know why. Everyone else is happy.
“Drama,” said Joss.
“I thought you wanted to be a writer or a journalist?” said Dad.
“Yeah, I do,” said Joss. “But I want to do Drama for my degree.”
Dad has been behaving really oddly recently. He’s at home a lot more, but he’s doing loads of pretend smiling and laughing. He keeps getting loads of letters and is writing lots of stuff at the moment. He’s doing the same things he used to do in our very old home just before we came to Adinna. I think that because of what Dad is doing and from the way my family is behaving at the moment, there is only one thing that can be happening – we are leaving Adinna. Everybody was unhappy for ages and now they are all happy (even though Dad is pretend happy and Mum keeps crying when nobody else is around). Jake threw away his school uniform and isn’t friends with the babbobs anymore. Joss isn’t sad and shouting all the time any more. We must be leaving Adinna. I hope not.
“Have you decided which A-levels you’re going to take yet?” said Joss.
“English, History and Technology,” said Jake.
I decided that we must be leaving Adinna. I also decided not to worry about it. The food I was eating was too nice, and everyone was really happy and talking loads. I was really enjoying the dinnaow with my family. I didn’t want anything to make it bad.
(I put my veggies on Jake’s plate when nobody was looking.)
Secret Watch –
I really enjoyed dinnaow. Nobody shouted at anyone and Dad didn’t go out afterwards. We all just sat around in the living room and chatted. Dad and Jake did all the cleaning, so Mum could sit and talk to Joss. But even though I’ve tried my hardest, I can’t help but worry about leaving Adinna. Maybe I’m wrong, but it’s still worrying me. Everyone has changed so much and everyone is behaving so differently to the way they used to. I don’t really know how to guess at what is going on. I haven’t changed. I still do all the same stuff and want the same things as I did when I was small. I think I do, anyway. I can’t ever imagine not having my Pom-Pom Parlars, or not having my window to Watch from, or not having my family around. I don’t know what I’d do if I was different.
The next day I felt a bit better, and decided that perhaps we weren’t going to leave Adinna. I felt really happy for some reason. Everybody was talking and smiling loads – like they had done during our dinnaow with Joss. Maybe stuff changing wasn't such a bad thing after all. If it made everyone happy and made our home feel nicer, then it couldn’t be a bad thing.
We all got in the car and drove far into Adinna. We went to the place Robboaw and Mum take me when it’s sunny. It’s a really big place that’s outside and really windy. Adinna looks really big and you can see it for miles into the distance. It looks funny as well, because some of Adinna looks as though it’s going high into the air and other parts look as though they’re going low into the ground.
“Five of Belstone’s finest cream teas,” said Dad. He was carrying this huge tray with loads of Pom-Pom Parlars and cakes and warm arshee with jammy. I clapped my hands and smiled – I was about to eat loads of sweet, sticky stuff. I shook my head as well.
Jake has lost all of his old hair and grown some new hair. It looks really funny – he keeps pushing it away from his eyes. It looks like a big black hat. I don’t know why he did it – he looks silly and it doesn’t fit him properly. I keep trying to pull it off him, but it won’t come away. Jake just smiles when I try to do it. It must come off; it really must. I had another go.
“Adam,” said Jake, “leave my hair alone.”
“He’s trying to be Robert Smith from the Cure, Ad,” said Joss.
“No I’m not. Shut up Jocelyn,” mumbled Jake. He always mumbles when he’s a bit shy or a bit worried. He’s also started wearing glasses. They don’t fit either. Why is Jake starting to do things to himself that don’t fit? They make him look funny. He also looks very different. I try to take his glasses off if they bother me too much.
“Adam,” said Mum, “do leave your brother alone.”
We sat in the cafe for ages drinking our Pom-Pom Parlars and eating our cakes and warm arshee with jammy. Everyone smiled and chatted. I felt like I used to feel when we were all smaller. It felt as if everyone was looking after each other and as if we really wanted to make each other feel less worried and more happy. There weren’t any pretend smiles.
Afterwards we went for a long walk in Adinna and smiled more. It was a really hot day but I couldn’t really feel it because it was so windy. I don’t like it when it’s windy. I can’t walk properly and my face feels funny.
When we got back home, I felt a bit odd. I think I may have eaten too much of the cake and warm arshee with jammy. My belly felt funny and my face was still feeling all tingly from the wind. My family were still talking to each other and smiling loads.
“You’d better start packing soon,” said Mum.
Mum gave Joss a big hug and looked as though she was going to cry. I didn’t really care that much because of my belly feeling a bit funny. I went into the bathroom and was sicky into the bath. Ackee! I felt a lot better after doing it. My belly didn’t feel funny anymore – although seeing all the cake and warm arshee with jammy in the bath made me feel funny again. I’d just eaten all that. It seemed a bit of a waste. Mum came in and made a big fuss. She cleaned the bath up and gave me a wash and changed my clothes. Then I felt much better.
Something really strange happened then. Joss put my shoes back on and took me out for a walk. She’s never done that before. We always went out as a family (apart from the time Jake took me out for a walk because he was sad about the footie) or Mum would take me out. I remembered how I’d felt about Jake taking me out for a walk ages ago – I’d felt sad because I wanted Jake to be how he used to be. But I don’t really think about Joss the same way I think about Jake. Even though she has always liked me and done things with me, Jake has been the one I’ve liked the most. I don’t know why. I think it’s because she’s a little scarier and I don’t really know how to treat her. With Jake, I know that if I go in his room he’ll shout at me and make me laugh. He does the same thing every time. Joss will either shout at me and make me unhappy, or she’ll be really nice and let me sit in her room with her. She doesn’t make me laugh when she gets annoyed. She’s not as much fun as Jake but she can be nicer to me when she wants to be. It’s very confusing.
So I felt good about going for a walk with Joss, but I didn’t really know how to treat her. I wanted her to be nice to me and make me feel good, but I wasn’t sure if she was going to shout at me and make me feel unhappy. The confused feelings were making me a little worried, which was a shame because I wanted to enjoy the walk.
I soon felt better though, and the worry went away. It was a good walk. She didn’t really talk that much – only to point at stuff and laugh. I blew her some kisses because I knew she was being nice to me, (although I’ve found that Joss can be nice one minute and then mean the next.) I blew her plenty of kisses and made sure I walked a bit behind her. I wasn’t going to take any chances.
I can still remember the way she was when we first came to Adinna. If I was upset, she could say something and make me feel good. She used to do that all the time. If Dad upset me or Mum upset me, I used to go and see Joss and she would say stuff that made me feel good again. She hasn’t been like that for ages.
I was starting to feel the same way I’d felt with Jake when he took me for a walk ages ago. I thought at first that I wouldn’t because I liked Jake more. Then I realised that it didn’t really matter that I liked Jake more. It mattered that Joss made me feel good, but not in the same way as Jake made me feel good. I knew what was going to happen – I was going to get all sad again because Joss has changed so much, and I wanted her to be the way she used to be. I couldn’t understand any of her words, but I knew she was being nice to me. She was being the way she used to be. It was such a nice day as well, and I was feeling much better after being sicky.
We got to the field with the big tree in the middle, and I remembered our first day in Adinna when me, Jake and Joss were all laughing and jumping around in the smelly mud. Joss looked so different back then. Jake has his silly hair and his glasses now, but under all that he still looks the same as he did. But Joss looks loads different. She looks a lot like Mum. She’s bigger and looks a lot nicer. Her voice was a lot softer back then – I suppose that was because she never shouted. Maybe shouting a lot has made her voice harder.
We climbed over the wooden thing next to the gate and walked to the big tree in the middle. Mum still takes me there now and again, but I hadn’t been for ages. I’d forgotten how much I liked it. It seemed quieter than the rest of Adinna, and I could see everything for miles. It wasn't windy at all, and the tree stopped too much sun getting to us as we sat underneath it. I always felt happy under the big tree in the field. It was the first place in Adinna we’d visited as a family. It always makes me remember all the good things about my family. Jake and Joss laughing, Mum and Dad holding hands, the dog getting shouted at and me drinking Pom-Pom Parlar too fast.
It was so quiet. I touched Joss on the face and said ‘tomorrow’ to let her know that I liked being with her. She smiled at me and looked at Adinna – she wasn’t saying anything at all now. She looked like she was going to cry. I held her hand just in case she got sad.
We sat for ages until I started to get thirsty – I wanted a Pom-Pom Parlar. It was nice walking with Joss and seeing her as she used to be when she was smaller, but I didn’t want to get too thirsty. At the same time though, I wanted to stay with her for as long as possible. I doubted that she would ever do anything like it again. Again, like I had with Jake, I knew that that would be the last time I would ever see the young Joss. I supposed that that was more important than getting home for a Pom-Pom Parlar.
I leant across to Joss and put a stick in her mouth, just to let her know that I liked her, and that whatever was going to change would be OK. She smiled and a tear fell down her face. She leant over and gave me a big hug. She was crying a little and rubbing my back. I liked it. It made me feel as though she really wanted to be with me.
“Come on,” said Joss. “Let’s go back. I’ve got loads to do.”
We walked home and Joss started to talk a bit more, but I couldn’t understand what she was saying. Recently I’ve been feeling worried and bad when I can’t understand what people are saying. I don’t know why. I feel like people are saying things that I should know about, and it makes me feel bad that I can’t understand the words. I’ve always felt OK about it before, and even now I don’t feel really bad. But sometimes I really wish that I could understand what people were saying to me and to each other
We got home and Mum made me a Pom-Pom Parlar. It tasted really nice after my long walks that day. Joss had gone straight up to her room after the walk. I stayed downstairs so that Mum would give me some food. I was really hungry. All the food I’d eaten in the big place in Adinna had gone down the bath when I’d been sicky.
I was missing Joss a bit after she’d been so nice to me on the walk, so after I’d eaten my food, I went upstairs to see what she was doing. I walked into her room; I didn’t understand what she was doing. She was taking her clothes out of her drawers and putting them in bags. I would normally have thought that she was going away for a little while, but there were loads of boxes full of her stuff. It all reminded me of the day we came to Arvoom – I’d been sicky, everyone was happy, we’d all driven in the car together. Maybe we were leaving Adinna.
I ran out of Joss’ room and into Mum’s room to see if she was packing all of her stuff. She wasn't. I went into Jake’s room to see if he was packing all of his stuff. He wasn't. I ran downstairs to see if Dad was packing all the other stuff. He wasn’t. So why was Joss packing all of her stuff? I didn’t understand. If we were leaving Adinna as a family, then why was Joss the only one packing all of her stuff? I couldn’t think of anything to explain why Joss was packing her stuff, but nobody else was packing their stuff. I walked back upstairs and went into Joss’ room and sat on her bed.
“Hello again,” said Joss.
I didn’t understand. I screwed my face up and said ‘abarb’, which means I’m getting worried. She was taking all her music off the shelves and putting it into the boxes. But nobody else was. Maybe Joss was leaving Adinna and nobody else was. Maybe we were all staying in Adinna and Joss was going somewhere else. I couldn’t understand that. I thought we were a family and that we would always be together. Why would Joss want to leave Adinna without us? Had we done something bad? Had I done something bad? Was she taking her music with her? Did that mean I was going to have to listen to Jake’s music all the time?
“Ah, dear Morrissey,” said Joss. “You were Adam’s favourite. This is your favourite, Ad – The Smiths. I’ll do you a tape of this before I go and then you can listen to it whenever you want.”
If Joss was leaving Adinna, then that would mean it would be just me, Jake, Mum and Dad. That didn’t sound right. That didn’t fit properly. How could we be a family with just me, Jake, Mum and Dad? We aren’t a family unless Joss is here. It’s OK when she’s gone out or it’s just me or Mum or just me, Mum and Jake – I know that Dad and Joss, or Joss, Dad and Jake are coming home. But if Joss leaves Adinna and the family, that means she will never come home again. I might never see her again. That’s why she was being so nice to me on the walk, and why everybody was smiling at her and making her laugh so much – we were never going to see her again. I didn’t like that at all. I got up and started taking Joss’ stuff out of the boxes and putting it back where it belonged. I didn’t want her to leave without the rest of us.
“Adam,” said Mum. She’d just walked in Joss’ room with a Pom-Pom Parlar. “What are you doing?”
I could feel my throat going funny and my belly feeling odd.
“Adam,” said Mum. She put the Pom-Pom Parlars down and sat me down on the bed. I was feeling really worried. Joss put her arms around me and gave me a hug. I started to cry. I didn’t want Joss to go. I didn’t want my family to lose Joss. She was one of the most important people in my family. It wouldn’t be the same without her. This was the change I’d been feeling. I’d thought that we were just leaving Adinna – together, and I hadn’t liked the idea of that. Now I knew that Joss was leaving us all on our own – that was worse. I would much rather have left Adinna, as long we were all together.
I was crying loads now. Mum was hugging me, and crying. Joss was hugging me and Mum, and crying. I couldn’t understand. Why? What was going to happen to my family without Joss? If she could leave then anybody could leave. That made me cry even more. What if everybody else decided to leave – would I be left on my own? Mum and Joss were still hugging me and crying. I felt a little better.
Mum gave me my Pom-Pom Parlar and I felt better. Joss was saying nice things to me, even though I didn’t understand the words, and Mum was crying with me. Maybe it wasn't going to be too bad. I just didn’t want things to change. I was happy with my family as it was and I’d been so scared that things were going to change. And now they were. I’d never thought that any of my family would ever leave Adinna without everyone else. And now it was happening. Joss was leaving the family in Adinna. She was going to be on her own.
I drank my Pom-Pom Parlar and started to cry a little less. Mum stayed with me and Joss while she packed. After a while I got annoyed because Joss was putting things in the wrong place, so I decided to help her. She started laughing again and I decided to smile more. Mum was laughing and kept giving me hugs and kisses. Joss hugged me a few times until I felt a lot better. I still wasn’t properly happy, but I decided that it was only Joss who was leaving. Nobody else would ever leave my family now.
Secret Watch –
After my bath, I sat with Joss all night and stared at her face. I wanted to make sure I knew exactly what she looked like so that I wouldn’t forget. She kept saying words that I didn’t really understand, but in the end I think she was trying to tell me that she would be coming back to Adinna for Chrimbo. That would be OK. If she was going to come home for Chrimbo, then she would probably come home at other times as well.
I’m still not happy about her leaving. I feel a little sad on my secret Watch. I realise that this will be my last secret Watch with my proper family. After this one, there will be no Joss. I don’t understand how my Watches will ever be the same without my proper family in the home. They’re the reason I Watch a lot of the time. With Joss gone, I won’t have a proper family to Watch for.
Special Watch – The Car
Mum got me out of bed really early and made me carry loads of Joss’ stuff to the car. I was really tired and didn’t really enjoy my breakfast and Pom-Pom Parlar. My family were really quiet. Joss didn’t look as happy as she had done the day before. Mum was very quiet. Dad tried to moan a bit, but wasn't very good at it. I think he was a little sad that we were going out. Then I remembered why we were taking all of Joss’ stuff to the car – she was leaving my family.
I got a little sad after that, and I felt tired as well. I wasn’t at my best by the time we all got in the car and drove off. Joss just stared out of the window and held my hand. I want