The Watchman by Matt Langford - HTML preview

Chapter 10 – Driving Along…

February 1995 –

It’s a long, long time after, and I know I’m home. I’ve been on holiday before, so I know how it feels when I eventually go home. Holidays normally mean walks, arshees and Dad going off at night. But for ages and ages it’s been feeling bad, then feeling good and then lots of new people. I never meet new people on holiday. And I’ve been on loads of long walks with all the new people.

This time I’m not going home. I’m home already. I’m pretty certain of that.

The day I finally accepted it once and for all was a funny day. I woke up to this horrible smell and all sticky bits on my face and pillow. I think I’d been sicky during my sleep. Jennyfury came in and gave me a big smile and made me feel a lot better. I like Jennyfury. She has a really nice smile and always says good stuff that makes me feel happy. She’s one of the new people who looks after me. She gave me my bath and my breakfast that morning.

My new home is called Armarnar. It’s loads different to my old home. Instead of me, Mum, Dad, Jake and Joss, there are lots of different people. Some of them look after me and some of them live here. The people who live here are like me – they need to be looked after. That morning I had breakfast with Dezek and Jwanna. Dezek never makes any noise (I like him) and eats all his food really fast – faster than me. Jwanna always makes loads of noise (sometimes I like her) and needs someone to put the food in her mouth for her. It was a really nice breakfast. Jennyfury helped me put my Sugar Puffs in the bowl and let me make my own Pom-Pom Parlar. Pom-Pom Parlars are never as nice when I make them, but they always taste a little better. I don’t know why.

Armarnar is loads bigger than my old home. There are rooms everywhere for me to go and Watch from. Sometimes I get told off for going in other people’s rooms and Watching – people never seem to get their room to fit properly, and then I get told off for trying to make it better. So I suppose it’s not too different to my old home. But all the people at Armarnar like me. They always do loads of stuff with me, and they never shout at me. Sometimes I get bored and all the angry feelings come back and I start screaming and breaking stuff, but it doesn’t last very long. It doesn’t happen much now. When I first came to Armarnar, I kept getting my rage, but the people who look after me always made me feel loads better. I never felt like I was being bad. Now when I get angry (I never get my rage), the people who look after me make me feel better before I start screaming and breaking stuff. They see the worry on my face and take me to another part of the house where it’s quiet. They talk to me and read to me and make me feel better. They’re so clever and kind.

After ‘Jennyfury bath’ Watch –

When I Watch at Armarnar, I always think about the bad times. I find it really hard to remember what actually happened, but I still remember the feelings. The thing I remember the most is lying on the floor in the horrible, smelly place and seeing my Mum and Dad hugging and crying. They were sad because I was sad. I know that now. If they were sad because I was sad, then I know that they must love me. I was so scared – scared of what I was doing and scared that they would never love me again. It was a horrible time.

I don’t remember anything about the horrible, smelly place after that. I know that I was there for a long time. After I went back to my old home with Mum and Jake, I never thought, I never felt and I never did anything. Sometimes the rage would come back and I’d hurt Mum, and I’d never know why. I just wanted to cry all the time. Then I wasn't at home anymore. I spent loads of days and nights at Arvoom being really angry all the time. I didn’t see Mum for ages.

After ages of spending days and nights at Arvoom, I started to think properly again and have proper feelings. Mum started seeing me again and taking me out for Pom-Pom Parlars – never for very long. I used to hate it when she left me. I used to cry and scream and break all the stuff in my room. I thought she was going to leave me forever. I still worry that she might never come back to see me again, but I don’t get angry anymore – I just get sad. I haven’t seen Dad since the night in the horrible, smelly place. Joss has been to see me a few times. Jake comes quite a lot, but not enough. I miss them all.

Even the dog.

I don’t wish we were still a family (like I used to). I’m happy now. I like my new home with all the new people. I still see loads of Mum. She comes all the time now and takes me for a Pom-Pom Parlar. Jake comes with her sometimes. But I do wish we could spend time together like we used to. I still hope that one day we can all walk to the field with the big tree in the middle and drink Pom-Pom Parlars and eat loads of sandwiches. Then I’d jump in loads of smelly mud and make everyone laugh and have my picture taken with Jake. But it doesn’t have to happen – I’m happy with what there is.

Driving along Watch –

After breakfast at Armarnar, I always go for a long drive in the car. That’s my favourite part of the day. We’re all really happy because we know that we’re going to be having fun, and that nice people are going to be doing lots of different stuff with us. I always sit next to Dezek (who never says anything) and Jwanna (who laughs and makes lots of noise) always sits in the front with Bumblee. I like Bumblee. He makes me think or Robboaw. He’s always laughing, and he always says loads of nice stuff to me. I got really scared on my first night at Armarnar and took all my clothes off and threw them in the bath. Then I turned all the taps on and watched all the water fill the bath and run on to the floor. It made loads of mess. All the water went through the floor and broke the ceiling downstairs. I don’t know why. Bumblee came up to my room and I thought that he was going to shout at me and make me feel bad. But he didn’t. He chatted to me and smiled at me. He said stuff I understood like ‘It’s OK’, and ‘You’re cool’. All he wanted was for me to be happy. I understood that. He’s never made me feel bad the whole time I’ve been at Armarnar. He’s my favourite.

After lots of laughing and chatting in the car, we always get to Arvoomee. It’s just like Arvoom, but it’s bigger and there’s loads more to do. Sometimes Bumblee stays and does stuff with me, other times he goes off again. I don’t mind either way, because Rosie is always at Arvoomee. I like Rosie. She should be in the big book with ladies. She spends all her time with me when I’m at Arvoomee, and she always makes me loads of nice tasting Pom-Pom Parlars. She always smiles and makes me feel good. She shouts at me sometimes when I do naughty stuff, but she’s not a scary shouter like Dad used to be. I laugh at her. Then she laughs with me. She’s makes so much fun for me.

When we got to Arvoomee that day, I ran in and sat by my Watching window. I decided that I felt happier than I had done since I was in my family in Adinna. I had my friends Bumblee, Jennyfury and Rosie who made me feel good. I had my other friends Dezek, Jwanna and Porky (he didn’t live at Armarnar – he just went to Arvoomee.) They were always really nice to me and always made me feel good.

“Good morning, Adam. Happy birthday,” said Rosie. She moved her hands in a weird way. I think she’s making shapes to go with her words, but I don’t know what it means. She does it the same way every morning. It always makes me laugh. I grabbed my Pom-Pom Parlar and laughed again. Then I blew her a kiss and said ‘alloaw’.

“Do you want to do pottery today?” said Rosie.

Pottery. I love pottery. I get to make loads of mess with all the sticky mud. I drank my Pom-Pom Parlar and grabbed my coat again – we always go for a long walk before pottery. I wanted the walk to start and finish so that I could go to the pottery room and make all my mess.

After the walk and after the pottery and after the mess, I drove back to Armarnar with Bumblee. I’d had a really good day so I was really happy. I don’t why but Bumblee was looking really sad and talking funny. I didn’t care though because I’d had such a good day. I’d made loads of mess for Ginghy (the man who does the pottery) to clean up.

“Your Mum, brother and sister have come to take you out for tea, Adam,” said Bumblee. Then he looked sad again.

I think he was talking about Mum. I don’t know why. She comes to see me all the time, so perhaps she was going to be at Armarnar when I got back, I thought. And she was. With Jake and Joss. I jumped out of the car and ran up to Mum and gave her a big hug. Then I hugged Jake and then I hugged Joss. I was so happy to see them all together.

“Hello, darling,” said Mum. “Happy birthday. We’ve brought you loads of presents.”

“Happy birthday, Adam,” said Jake.

“Happy birthday,” said Joss.

They had loads of prezzies with them, and they all looked tired and had red eyes. They looked a little sad as well, which was strange. But they had prezzies. I thought that was a bit weird, but I didn’t mind. All that mess to make. I would’ve been happier if Dad had been there – my family all together. But I was still happy because it was a nice day, and Mum, Jake and Joss had all come to visit me. I just wished that they weren’t all looking so sad. Mum had been crying, and Jake kept looking at the floor. Joss kept looking at me with tears in her eyes. I didn’t care that much though. I ran around the garden of Armarnar laughing and slapping my arse.

I started to get a little worried because Mum kept talking to Bumblee when I wanted to go out with my family. She looked really upset, and Bumblee was starting to look unhappy. Why was Mum making Bumblee look unhappy? Jake and Joss stood with me and chatted to me a little, but I wanted to go out. I kept sniffing hard and grabbing Jake’s hand and saying ‘tomorrow’. I’d rub my teeth as well so that he knew that I was hungry. I tried grabbing my bollocks as well. But that didn’t work.

As I was about to get really angry, Mum stopped talking and we all got in Mum’s car. I hoped we might go back to the field with the tree and the smelly mud, but instead we drove to the place we always go for dinnaow. Mum tried to chat to me, but she was really sad and had to stop herself from crying. Jake and Joss just looked out of the window. Why were they so upset? I didn’t care that much. I was with my family; we were going to the place we always go to for dinnaow, and I was happy with all the mess I’d been making.

Maybe Gran would be at the place we have dinnaow. I’ve been thinking of ways to make her happy and really wanted to her see so I could do some of those things to her. I thought of her little voice saying ‘Ooh’ and laughed. I hadn’t seen her for such a long time. I wonder why.

We sat in the place and were given our food by this nice lady who always chats to Mum and me. But everyone was still really sad. I didn’t understand why. I ate my food anyway.

“When are we going to tell him?” said Jake.

“Let’s wait until he’s back at home,” said Mum.

My family have all changed so much. Mum’s hair is nearly all grey now. It looks really funny. I want to take it off her sometimes and put her old hair back on, but she looks a little nicer with the new hair. I don’t know why. She’s still got a little mark on her face from when I bit her. I always feel really bad when I see that. It reminds me of how I used to be. At least I know I’ll never do anything like that again.

Jake looks all grown up. He’s not little Jake anymore. He hasn’t been little Jake for a long time. His glasses look OK now, and fit him properly. He hasn’t got the silly black hat anymore. He talks differently to the way he used to talk. He behaves differently to the way he used to behave. He looks a lot like Dad. He behaves a lot like Dad. Without the shouting.

I think Joss has changed the most. That’s probably because I don’t see her as much as the others. She has really short hair now, and looks really nice. She’s a lot quieter than she used to be. She looks really smart all the time as well. When she talks to me now, she sounds like she did ages and ages ago and makes me feel happy. She makes me feel better again when she talks to me.

Special Watch with the family –

After eating our dinnaows, we drove back to Armarnar. I was getting really excited. All those prezzies. All that ripped paper. All that mess. My family were going to be with me and making me feel happy. Why had they brought me prezzies? Would Dad visit me today? Or Gran? I was very excited.

When we got back to Armarnar, I ran up to my room and Watched out of my window while Mum chatted to Bumblee again. It was a really bright day, and all the people who live at Armarnar were sat in the garden. Far away I could just about see Adinna. Sometimes I Watch really hard and hope to see my old home. I remember all the happy times I had with my family. I remember the Chrimbo when Gran visited and slipped on the ice and sat in the chair saying ‘Ooh’ all the time. I remember my friend Dennaben, and how he used to talk to me properly. I remember going for the walks with Jake and Joss, and realising how much bigger they were. I remember going for Pom-Pom Parlars at Cath’s and sitting in her bedroom, taking all my clothes off. I remember Robboaw and how happy he used to make me feel. But most of all, I always remember how Dad came into my room one day when I was sad and tickled me until I was happy. I don’t know why I remember this thing the most. I suppose because it made me feel the happiest out of everything. Dad made me feel like I was better than him. No one had ever done that before, and no one has ever done it since. Even now, when I’m sad or getting worried, I want my Dad to come in and tickle me.

But when I think of the happy times, I also remember the bad times. I always get a little sad when I think of the bad times.

“Alright, Ad,” said Jake. “I’ve got a bag full of presents here.”

I remember the horrible dream where everyone is laughing at me and being nasty to me. I remember Grame and the time he chased me around the field and then tried to hurt me. I remember the time Dad didn’t come home all night and Mum cried for ages. I remember the time Joss packed all her stuff and left my home and my family. I remember the time I bit Mum on the face and made her hit me. Then my head was bad and sad for ages. I’ll never forget that.

“Aren’t you going to come and open your presents, Adam?” said Mum. She and Joss had walked in while I was thinking.

I sniffed hard and decided that the bad times had happened and that there was no point in getting sad about it. I could remember the happy times and feel good about that – that was all fine. The sad times were bad and just made me want to get angry. I wasn’t going to do that anymore. People just get hurt when I’m angry. People I love. Why bother?

I sat on the bed with all the prezzies laid out on the bed. My Mum was holding some cards. I looked at the prezzies and then looked at Mum. She was crying loads. Tears were pouring down her face. Jake was looking at Mum and crying. I’d not seen him cry since he was small. I felt a little lump in my throat and my belly went funny. I looked at Joss and saw that she was crying as well. Why were my family crying? I don’t know why but I started crying as well. I touched my Mum’s face and said ‘noolah’. Maybe it was my fault.

“Adam,” said Mum. “I’ve... I’m...”

I stopped crying and picked up a prezzie and ripped the paper off. I didn’t enjoy it as much as I normally do when I rip the paper off prezzies. My family were too sad for me to enjoy something like that. I put it down and listened to Mum’s words.

“Your Dad ...”

“Mum,” said Jake. “I don’t think it matters. Well, it does matter. I didn’t mean that. Sorry. I just. Just... Just let him open the presents.”

Jake, Joss and Mum all looked at me, with tears pouring down their faces. They were so sad. I don’t know why. I was crying as well. I tried to pick my prezzies up and rip the paper off, but I didn’t want to. I wasn’t going to enjoy myself until my family were happy.

“Dad bought you a card,” said Mum.

Mum wiped her tears away and tried to stop herself from crying. She took a deep breath. I touched her gently on the bit of her face where I’d bitten her. I said ‘bath’.

“Look, Adam. It’s a picture of a scone with clotted cream and jam on the front. And a cup of tea. Just like the ones at Belstone. He loved taking us all there,” said Mum. She showed me a card. She opened it. “I’ll read it out for you.”

Mum was crying. Jake and Joss were crying. This was supposed to be a happy day. I’d felt so good all day and was so happy when I saw my family. Why was everyone crying now? Where was Dad? Why had everyone else come to visit me and not Dad? I wasn’t angry that Dad wasn't there. I just missed him. I always miss him.

“Dear Adam,

Happy birthday to my number one son. I love you.

Dad.

P.S. Here’s a tenner. Get yourself a Pom-Pom Parlar.”

Mum put the card down and looked at the piece of paper that had been in the card. Then everyone started to cry again. Well, I’d had enough of the crying. I decided, even though it was nice having my family all around me, I didn’t want them there. Just for a little while. I wanted to be on my own for a bit. Just so I could sit at my window, Watch for a short time, see if Dad or Gran or the dog or anyone else from my family decided to come and see me. I knew that they probably wouldn’t, but I wanted to be on my own for a bit. Just so I could Watch from my window. I like Watching. It makes me feel calm. Less sad. Less worried.

My Watch

I pull them all gently to the door and walk over to my window. I sit down and look out over Adinna – home. That’s better. Now I’m happy. Now I’m on my own – my family close by, but not making me sad. Except for Jake and Mum – they are standing in the doorway, staring at me. Jake has a funny look on his face.

“What’s a Pom-Pom Parlar?” says Jake.

“I don’t know,” says Mum. She looks at me with this funny smile – big tears are in her eyes. Then she says something I’ll never forget. Something beautiful. Although I don’t understand the words, of course. “Goodnight, sweetheart. See you tomorrow.”

Now, I feel better.

##

About the author

I am 39 years old and currently working as a full-time ITU charge nurse. I have two young children and a wife just about to re-enter full-time education. I manage to fit my mountain bike within, around and underneath my three full-time activities. My time is my passion. I have been writing since the age of 11 when my short story, the clay hog, was read out in my school assembly. The reviews were startling. Since the advent of the internet I have had several short stories published and my work has appeared in the ABC tales monthly magazine.

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