Chapter 9 – The Cold Wind Blows
June 1992 –
I was sitting in the car and not even thinking. I don’t think about stuff anymore. I remember and worry and feel rage. Nothing else.
Ages ago, after feeling so bad for so long, I started to get good feelings again. I started wanting to feel happy again, and I would laugh the way I used to laugh. Then it all stopped again. I woke up one morning, and all the good feelings had gone and I felt bad again. That’s when I got really angry at Mum and tried to hurt her before Jake had to hurt me.
Today, earlier, was very strange. The bad feelings went away after breakfast, and I was worried but not feeling angry or sad. It felt like happiness but different – like I was borrowing a happy feeling and it wasn’t really mine. It certainly wasn’t the same happy as I used to feel. Mum wouldn’t talk to me after breakfast, and I could feel my head wanting to get angry, but it wouldn’t. I didn’t like that. I felt like something else was in my head stopping me from having my proper feelings. I didn’t laugh or smile but my mouth felt funny – it kept moving all by itself. I didn’t want to hurt Mum the way I had been hurting her, but I reckon I could’ve really easily. I was confused.
My room looked really strange, but I didn’t need to throw everything down the stairs or out of the window. Normally I would’ve changed everything, but I couldn’t make myself today. And there was that something in my head that wasn’t letting me feel what I really wanted to feel. So I tried hard to find out what it was – what that something in my head was. Then I don’t remember anything. It was nearly dark and my head was fuzzy. Then I woke up. Then I was in the car. How did I get to the car?
Everything seemed so quiet and dark. That was all I knew as I sat in the car. Mum was chatting as she was driving. I used to think that the more she talked the faster the car would go. But this morning I didn’t think about anything. My head felt full up. I could feel it banging and hurting and spinning. But it wasn’t thinking. I used to think about why I felt bad. I used to think about how Jake had got bigger and changed, and how Joss had been there all the time before not being there at all. I used to think about Dad and how he used to be there all the time before just being there sometimes. But this morning, I didn’t think about anything like that. I didn’t even remember their faces. I didn’t care.
I sat in the car staring out of the window, with Adinna rushing away so fast I could hardly see all the black clouds in the sky. Mum was talking next to me but, like always, I didn’t understand her words. My eyes were hurting and felt really heavy. I was trying really hard to remember what I was supposed to do. Was I supposed to try and talk back to Mum? Was I supposed to wait for the car to stop and then go for a walk? Was I supposed to like the music Mum had put on the car for me? I couldn’t remember. All my feelings were being stopped in my head. I wanted to feel sad or angry. But I couldn’t. I didn’t care that at one time I’d been happy and that all my family were at home. I didn’t care that Mum was the only one I had left and that she was doing everything for me. So there was one feeling not being stopped – I didn’t care.
“Mummy hasn’t got a lot of money, Adam,” said Mum, “so we’ll just drive for a little longer, and then go to Cathy’s for some lunch.”
I didn’t listen to her words. All I could hear was a quiet banging noise at the back of my head.
And then those thoughts started again – the thoughts that happen without me even wanting them. They just come into my head and invade me and go around and around really fast. I can’t stop them. Stuff like – why is everyone always talking to each other and not to me? Why can’t I understand the words people say? Is there something wrong with me? Why have all the people I love left me? Why am I doing all these bad things? Because I have to. People have to understand me. People know that if I hurt them, then I’m not happy. And I’m not happy. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy again. Ever.
“For God’s sake. It’s started raining again,” said Mum. “Shall I put the radio on?”
Mum stopped the music I was listening to and made the radio come on. Why did she do that? Why is she always changing things? I fuck screamed. She was trying to make me happy and I couldn’t be happy. I couldn’t be anything – something was in my head and stopping my feelings. And anyway, if I was going to be happy, then everything would have to be good. And everything was so fuck bad. If she was going to make me happy, then she would have to make everything good again and take this thing out of my head that stopped the feelings.
But a feeling was there again. Out of nowhere, it went bang in my head. A big one. A bad one. A worried one. I felt so bad. So fuck fuck bad. It was there again. Oh fuck. Oh fucking fuck.
“Alright, darling? Poor baby,” said Mum. “We’ll go home. Oh God. Please.”
What was she saying? Why wasn't she making me understand her words? I was so angry. My eyes felt so heavy. My head was so full of fuck bad. I had feelings, but they were strange. Not mine. Pushed away but being pushed back in. I grabbed my Mum’s hand and bit it really hard,
“Adam,” Mum shouted. “Please don’t. Not in the car. You’ll kill us.”
She was shouting at me. I was the one feeling bad. I let go of her hand and started punching my seat as hard as I could. I was screaming so much my throat hurt. I was trying to get the fuck bad out of my head. But it wasn’t going anywhere. It stayed in my head no matter how loud I screamed or how hard I punched my seat.
Mum stopped the car at the side of the road.
“Adam,” said Mum. She was crying a little. Her face was red and twisted. I hated it. Her fucking face. “Please.” She was trying to stroke my hair. But the fuck bad thoughts and the fuck bad feelings wouldn’t stop. Everyone must hate me. I’m a bad person. I’m stupid. Everything I do is stupid. Her face. I just sit in my room looking out of a window, or I run around making stupid noises while everyone else talks to each other. Why? What have I done that is so bad?
I decided that I wanted an arshee, so I started rubbing my teeth. I wasn't really hungry and I didn’t really want to eat one because it would be nice – I just wanted one so that I could hurt my teeth and my mouth. I would bite it and chew really fast so that it was so fuck cold and so fuck painful.
“No, Adam,” said Mum. “No.”
NO! NO! NO! There was that fuck fuck fucking word again. I hate that word. It means I can’t do something that I want to do. And she said it. She wouldn’t let me have an arshee. Her face. Her silly voice. If she wanted to get herself an arshee, then she would just go and get one. I’m not allowed. I’m stopped from getting my own arshee. That made me so fuck angry. I hated her. I fuck hated her and everyone else who could do whatever they wanted. I grabbed her head and pulled it to my mouth. Fuck her.
“Adam,” screamed Mum. “Adam!”
I bit her as hard as I fuck fucking could right on her face. I felt my teeth go into her face and my mouth got full of funny tasting stuff. Blood. My Mum’s blood was in my mouth. I stayed biting her face for ages – the blood went into my mouth and down my throat. It was horrible. I felt so bad. Mum was screaming at me and hitting my head with her hand. But I just bit harder. Blood. Fuck blood all in my mouth.
“Adam,” screamed Mum. “Adam. Let me go. Let me go!”
After a while, I let go and screamed again. Then I looked at Mum. Her face was covered in her own blood. The seats were covered in her blood. I looked at my hands and they were covered in blood. Mum was holding her face and crying loads. She looked at me and cried more loudly. What had I done? I didn’t like that. However bad I felt about myself and my fuck bad head, I didn’t like seeing my Mum in loads of pain with all her blood everywhere – and I’d done that.
I stopped screaming. My head felt a bit clearer. She was holding her face where I had bitten her. She was in so much pain. All her tears were running into the blood on her face and making it go a funny colour. My head was getting clearer and clearer. All that blood coming from my Mum’s face – all those tears coming from my Mum’s eyes. All that crying. All that pain. I’d done that. Because I’d been feeling bad, my Mum had got hurt. Why? Why had I done that to her? I loved my Mum. Even though it was all her fault that I was feeling so bad, she didn’t deserve to be in so much pain. But who else was I going to hurt?
I stared at Mum for a bit longer as my head cleared more and more and the feelings started to get through better. I hadn’t meant to do it. I hadn’t meant to hurt her so much and make so much blood come out of her face. It’s just that she was there, and I’d felt so angry and fuck bad. Normally I bite her hand or I push my face against hers, but this time I did both at the same time. It just happened.
I was so horrible. How could I have done that to her?
I reached across and touched her on the arm to say sorry. I didn’t think it would do much good. I just wanted her to know that I hadn’t meant to hurt her so much.
“Don’t,” said Mum. “After everything I’ve done for you. Why?” She stopped. She sobbed. “We’re going home.”
She stopped crying and got that serious look on her face. We drove home without saying anything. Mum sniffed and wiped some blood off her face – but there was so much of it, she just made more come out. I started to feel less bad and worried and worse about what I’d done to Mum. That wasn't me. I didn’t do that sort of thing. I got angry and I screamed and I got bad feelings and bit people or broke things, but to make blood come out and to make my Mum cry so much, that wasn’t what I did. That wasn't what I wanted to do. I just wanted to be happy and to make other people want to make me happy. What had made me do that to my Mum?
We got home and Mum just walked in without waiting for me. I felt all alone. Before I’d done all the bad stuff I knew that Mum would always be with me, or Robboaw would always be with me. But I hadn’t been to Arvoom for ages so I don’t think that Robboaw is with me anymore. Mum didn’t even wait for me to get out of the car. So that was it. I was on my own. The last person who had cared for me was now walking away from me. And it was my fault. It had all happened because I was different to everyone else. I didn’t care anymore about not understanding people or my head feeling bad or everything in my home having to fit properly – I just wanted my Mum to be with me again. Even though it had only just happened, I wanted it to stop straight away.
“What happened?” said Jake. I didn’t know he was going to be at home. He still comes home sometimes – more than anyone else. He’s a lot less nice to me than he used to be. He doesn’t talk to me at all.
Jake and Mum stood there just chatting. Mum was still crying and bleeding. I wanted to make things better. I wanted to give Mum a hug and let her know that I hadn’t meant it and that it had been a mistake. I wanted everyone to know that I was sorry – and to feel better and to be a little bit happy. I didn’t want to hurt Mum. That wasn't me. I tried to give Mum a hug but Jake shouted at me.
“Adam,” said Jake. “Leave her alone and go to your room – now.”
I ran up to my room. Now I wanted to be on my own. I needed to think about what I’d done, and how I was going to make things better.
I went to my window and looked at Adinna. It used to look so good. Adinna used to make me feel so happy. I used to sit at my window and listen to my family as they talked to each other and shouted at each other. I’d be happy then. I could hear all the noise and see all of Adinna and know that I felt good and that bad things would never happen to me. But there was no family anymore. Even Mum was gone. I’d made her go away. Jake wasn't nice to me anymore. There were no noises in my home anymore. All that was left was Adinna – and even that didn’t look nice.
“You bastard,” said Jake. I looked round from my window and saw Jake standing in my doorway. He looked really angry and he was being horrible – his face was twisted and his teeth were poking out. I felt so bad about what I’d done to Mum and about all the horrible things I’d been doing, and Jake was standing there trying to make me feel worse. Why was he doing that? I got up and went to bite Jake, but he was quick and strong. He grabbed my arms so hard that they hurt. He then pushed me round and tripped me up so I fell onto my bed. I landed with my face in the pillow.
“Do you want to hurt me as well?” shouted Jake. After more shouting, he walked out of my room and slammed my door. I felt even more stupid just lying on my bed. Jake had made me feel worse than I had done before. If there was one thing I could do, then it was make people know when I felt sad or angry – but Jake had taken that from me. I wished that there was a way that it would all stop, and I didn’t have to be me anymore. I just wanted the whole thing to stop so that I could go to bed and stay asleep.
I stayed in my room for ages getting angrier and angrier. I screamed a few times. I would scream so fuck loudly that my ears would start to hurt. I started to think about what had gone wrong, and what I had done to make things go so bad. I remembered how ages ago Dad used to come into my room and talk to me. He’d just sit there and say stuff like ‘sorry’, and ‘I wish I could make things better for you’. I never really understood what he was doing or what he was saying, but at least he was there with me. At least he was trying to be nice to me. That had made me feel so happy – and I didn’t even really know it back then. My Dad had made me feel happy, and I didn’t even know it. Maybe that’s why things were so bad and everyone (including Mum) had left me – because I didn’t show them that I was happy. Maybe they thought that I didn’t know that they loved me, or that I didn’t show them that I loved them. They’d got so fed up with me that they decided to leave me.
Sitting on my bed after Jake had been horrible to me was probably the worst I have ever felt. I felt stupid. I felt alone. I felt angry. I felt bad. My head was hurting. My eyes felt heavy. I was so hungry I was shaking. I was scared. I was scared because I had hurt the person I love most in the world because I had stopped feeling stuff. I was scared because I didn’t know who was going to be looking after me after what I’d done. Everything was so horrible.
Then I saw Dad turn up in his car. I nearly felt happy – I got that weird feeling in my tummy when something good happens. But then I thought that he was going to be angry with me as well, after what I’d done to Mum. Maybe he’d come to tell me off. Normally I would have run downstairs to say hello to him. This time I just stayed where I was and got scared in case he was angry with me and wanted to hurt me. I hoped that maybe he would come and talk to me like he used to. But I knew that he wouldn’t.
I just sat in my room for ages and ages, thinking about how I was feeling. Dad didn’t come up and see me; he just sat downstairs chatting with Jake. I really wanted to go downstairs and say hello to Dad. Normally I could do it and know that Dad would be nice to me, but I knew that he wouldn’t be nice to me this time. I knew that after the things I had done he would be as angry with me as Jake had been. I hated that.
After a while I fell asleep. I started to have the dream again where everyone is being horrible to me. Before it got too bad, I woke up and Mum walked in with a drink.
“Hello darling,” she said. There was a big plaster and little black things on her face where I had bitten her. “Daddy and Jake have gone out for a little while.”
I felt like crying when I saw all that stuff on her face. I’d made that happen. Me. I’d bitten her and made all that blood come out. I decided then that I was never going to do another bad thing to my Mum.
“He said that if that happened, then we would have to start giving you this.”
Mum was talking to me, but I didn’t understand her words. But I didn’t let myself get angry. I didn’t want to hurt her again. I felt really sad and I wanted Mum to know how bad I was feeling, but I wasn't going to hurt her again. I touched the plasters on her face and said ‘noolah’. I always say that when I’m sorry. Mum showed me a little bottle.
“It’s supposed to taste quite nice.”
Mum took the top off the little bottle and poured some stuff onto a spoon. Sometimes, when I ache, she gives me medsin. This looked like medsin. It tastes nice and makes me feel better. I thought maybe she loved me again – she was trying to make me feel better by giving me medsin to take the ache away. She put the spoon in my mouth so that I would drink the medsin. It tasted funny – not like the normal medsin. I didn’t really want it. I don’t know why. Probably because it tasted funny. I felt like pushing her away and making her stop, but after what I’d done to her before I wanted her to like me again. So I drank it. It tasted really nasty but she smiled so I felt better.
“There’s a good boy,” said Mum. “You’ll feel much better now.”
When Mum said those last words, her voice went a bit funny and she started to cry again.
I went and sat at the window and thought about Mum. Maybe she’d forgiven me. She’d been so nice and had given me the medsin on a spoon (even though it had tasted nasty). I decided that however bad I felt, I wasn't going to hurt my Mum ever again. Even though I still felt so sad about everything, I knew that I could be happy again. If I could start being nice to people again, then perhaps they would start being good to me again. Then I knew I would feel happier. Maybe it would take a long time, but if I started straight away then it would happen more quickly. I wasn't going to be horrible to Mum ever again. Then Jake would be nice to me. And then Dad would be nice to me. Maybe Joss would come home.
My head started to feel a little funny again, like it was full of noise. It felt like my head was spinning around. I was hurting as well – hurting because of the noise. But then it stopped and I felt really thirsty. It scared me a little at first, but I wasn’t too upset. I was still thinking about what I’d done to Mum. Maybe I deserved a full head. So I went downstairs to ask Mum for a drink. I felt better than I had done earlier, because I knew that I’d been bad and that I’d felt sad but I also knew that I could start to do things to make stuff better. I would never hurt Mum again the way I’d hurt her earlier.
I found it difficult to walk down the stairs because my head was feeling full of noise again. At first it would spin a little and make my legs feel all weak, so I found it hard to walk. Something awful happened then – I got to the bottom of the stairs and a big rush of wind blew right through my head. It made me nearly fall over. The wind in my head had nearly pushed me over. I’d never felt that before. I thought that if I sat down in the chair, then the spinning and the rushing wind would stop. For a while it did and I started to feel a little better. But then it started again. Only worse. It was making me really scared. It felt horrible – the worst thing ever. I forgot about all the bad things that had been going on. I couldn’t think about anything else apart from the rushing wind and the spinning.
I sat in the chair for ages, trying to make myself feel better, but I just felt worse. The wind in my head was getting faster and faster and my head was making the room spin more and more. It was horrible. I tried to stop it but there was nothing I could do. I was getting thirstier and thirstier.
"Adam?" said Mum. She smiled. "I didn’t hear you come down."
I looked at her and the room went all funny. It was as if when I turned my head the room moved slower than my eyes wanted it to. All the colours seemed to move into each other and go all blurry. I tried to say ‘allaow’ but the words wouldn’t come out. And then my neck started to feel strange – it suddenly went really stiff and made my head stick up in the air. That was horrible. That made me even more scared. I couldn’t turn my head or look at anything that I wanted to look at. Something else was in my head – a bit like earlier, but worse this time. It was making my neck stiff and filling my head with lots of noise. I was so scared.
Mum came and sat next to me. I tried to look at her, but my bad neck wouldn’t let me. I heard her say words, but she sounded like she was a long way away. But that was stupid. I could see her sitting right next to me.
I was getting more and more scared. The wind in my head was rushing so loudly and the spinning was so fast. The room moved too slowly if I tried to look around and all the colours were getting blurry, and my neck was feeling really stiff. It was so scary. And then my mouth started to go all stiff. I couldn’t move my mouth. What was happening to me? Why were all these horrible things happening to me? I couldn’t think. I couldn’t move my head or mouth. Everything was looking so strange. It was so horrible.
"What’s the matter, darling?" said Mum. I tried to look at Mum but it was so hard and painful. I tried to say something but my mouth was too dry – I was so thirsty. I wanted to go and lay on my bed, but I was too scared to move. But I couldn’t just sit there with my head hurting like that and with my mouth feeling so dry. So I got up and walked to the kitchen – but my head wouldn’t move down. Because my neck was all stiff, I couldn’t move my head and see where I was going. So I walked into the kitchen with my head stuck in the air, and with all the wind rushing through my head.
And then it happened. There was this sudden huge rush from the bottom of my head that made everything go blank for a second … and it was like I was in my horrible dream. The rushing wind in my head stopped, but the laughing started. The spinning in my head stopped and the whole room stopped, like it was a photograph. A thumping sound started in my chest. Boo-boom. Boo-boom. Boo-boom. Really slow at first. Everything in the room seemed still and really far away. I could hear Mum saying stuff, but it was like she was saying it from another room. I could see everything really clearly – it all stopped being still but it was all moving too slowly and going all blurry. But the scary thing was the laughing. Right at the back of my head I could hear this faint laughing. It was horrible. It made me feel as if I couldn’t control anything. I felt like everybody hated me and they wanted me to go away. I was so scared.
"Adam," said Mum from another room. "What’s the matter? Ha ha ha!"
I walked into the kitchen to get some water. I filled a glass up, but didn’t hear the water running.
“Adam’s having a glass of water,” said a horrible voice. I tipped the water on the floor and tried to scream. The laughing was getting louder. Boo-boom. Boo-boom. Boo-boom. The thumping in my chest was getting faster. I wanted to do something to stop it all from happening. It was horrible. Ha ha ha. Boo-boom. Boo-boom. So I threw the glass on the floor. I heard it smash. The noise went on for ages. Much longer than it should’ve done. I screamed because the noise wouldn’t stop. It went on and on and on.
I turned round and saw Mum stood in the doorway. I think she might have been crying. But I couldn’t tell. She had her hands over her face. I hoped that she wasn’t scared. I didn’t want to hurt her. It wasn’t her fault. I realised how much I loved her.
“She doesn’t love you, Adam.” That voice again. It was horrible – the most horrible voice I’d ever heard. Boo-boom. Boo-boom. My chest was thumping really fast. The laughing was getting louder. I wanted to do something. My neck was still stiff and making me stare up into the air. I felt so weird. I felt like I’d never felt before. Where was that voice coming from, and why was it saying such horrible things? The whole thing was really scaring me. I didn’t know what I was going to do to make myself feel better.
“Nobody loves you Adam,” said the voice – really loud. Words like normal words, but I understood. I screamed again and ran out of the kitchen. Ha ha ha. The laughing was getting louder. Boo-boom. Boo-boom. My chest was thumping faster. I ran to the stairs and tried to get up to my room, but my legs wouldn’t work properly. They kept going all weak so I’d fall over. I stood up, and my whole body shook and went stiff. I screamed and pulled pictures from the wall. I didn’t really know why I was doing it. I just did it. My head was so full. My chest was thumping so fast. My body didn’t work and the room looked like a faraway photograph.
“You are fuck,” said the voice. I screamed and fell backwards down the stairs. Mum was behind and caught me so I didn’t hurt myself. I was so scared. The laughing was getting louder. Boo-boom. Boo-boom. The thumping in my chest was getting faster. I was getting more scared – I never realised I could be so frightened. Nothing was right. My head was so fuck. I was lying on top of my Mum.
“Why don’t you have a bath, Adam?” I screamed again. Why was that voice talking to me like that? Mum was trying to hold me down, but I elbowed her in the head and got up from the floor and ran to the bathroom. All the colours were blurry, less like a photograph, and the laughing was getting louder. I ran to the bathroom to run a bath. Boo-boom. Boo-boom. Ha ha ha. I tried to turn the taps on so I could have a bath, but I couldn’t see the taps. My neck was so stiff and painful. The laughing was getting louder. My worry crushed my head, and I picked up the big plant next to the sink and threw it into the bath. Smash. There was mud and soil everywhere. I cut myself on a bit of the pot. Again, the noise of the smash went on for ages and got louder and louder. It was so weird and so horrible. Mum was standing behind me in the doorway. I think she was crying. It was so hard to tell because everything was so weird.
I walked back out of the bathroom. Boo-boom. Ha ha. I got to the stairs and walked up to my room. Then another huge rush of wind went right through my head … and I forgot how I got to my room. Without remembering how I’d got from the top of the stairs to my room I was standing there with all the spinning and all the noise in my head. I screamed. The laughing got so loud it made my ears hurt. Everything was blurry. Nothing had a proper colour. Mum was standing behind me, crying and saying stuff. I couldn’t hear her. I couldn’t see her properly. My room was moving around.
“Why don’t you make everything fit properly, Adam?” said the voice. I screamed and picked up my bed. I dragged it out of my room to