Chapter 1 – Tomorrow
Spring – 1988
Adam
It’s a little while later, and I think we’re home. I’ve been on holiday before, so I know how it feels when we are about to go home. Holidays normally mean walks, arshees and Dad going off at night. Then we leave in the car. The last few days have been about unpacking, sandwiches and shouting. We never have sandwiches on holiday. And we’ve only had one long walk.
This time we’re not going home. We’re home already. I’m pretty certain of that.
The day we left our old home was a funny day. I woke up to this horrible smell and all sticky bits on my face and pillow. Dad walked in and said, ‘For fuck’s sake, Adam’, and then shouted for Mum. He went off muttering ‘today of all days’, but I didn’t understand his words, of course – (I can make my own words in my head, but I don’t understand everyone else’s words – I don’t know why). Jake and Jocelyn poked their heads round the door, smiled, and ran off. I wasn't sure what to do, so I just stayed in bed without moving. Mum then walked in with a smile. She smiles a lot. She walked towards me in a way that made me feel a little better. Mum always does that in the morning. She helped me out of bed and gave me a cuddle.
I thought about running off and playing with her, but my belly felt a little funny, so I walked to the bathroom and started to run a bath. I took all my clothes off and sat on the toilet, watching the water fill up the bath. The sound and look of the water and bubbles filling up to the top always makes me feel happy. I don’t know why.
I hardly noticed Mum walk in a few minutes later. She came into the bathroom, shut the door, put her hand in the water and stopped the water from running. She came over to me and smiled. I could hear Dad shouting at Jake and Joss. I never know if I’m going to spend an hour or a minute in the bath until I’m actually in there. I climbed in and didn't like the heat of it that much, so decided to make it a short one. After a little scrub, I got up quickly and covered Mum and the walls with water.
I felt in a much better mood now, so after drying I ran out of the bathroom and went to sit in my usual seat at the table – but it wasn't there. My seat (the one by the window, for my Watches) had gone. I felt myself begin to become upset, but I decided that breakfast was more important, so I sat in another chair by the window instead and grabbed my bowl for cereal and my cup for Pom-Pom Parlar. I thought that this would keep Mum busy for a bit.
The first strange thing about breakfast that morning was Mum – she walked off after filling my breakfast bowl and didn’t even look at me or give me a kiss or anything. Normally she sits with me. That morning she just stared at something out of the window and walked off – after Dad. But I had my food, and I had my Pom-Pom Parlar, so I forgot about Mum and my seat and moved the chair so I could have a little Watch out of the window.
The second strange thing about breakfast that morning was that my family were making too much noise. Jake and Joss were fighting over boxes that were full of all our stuff. Dad walked from room to room and kept going to the front door to look outside. Every time either Jake or Joss came in with a box he’d always say, ‘No! The big ones first. What the hell are we going to do with the little boxes now? The big ones go on the van first, and the smaller ones later. Jesus.’ Or something like that.
I don’t normally listen to what people say, but Dad looked quite funny with his serious face and hands all dirty. The others were getting a little scared of him; they always do when he’s like that. But not me. I had to spit my food out so I could laugh at him. He’s not as scary as everyone thinks. Mum ran in and told Jake and Joss to help her instead.
Of course, I got away with doing nothing by sitting at the table and eating my Sugar Puffs and pretending to stare out of the window – there was nothing much out there. I may have lost my seat and all our stuff may have been in boxes, but I had my cereal, my Pom-Pom Parlar and an extra Watch to think about. But my Sugar Puffs were starting to run out. I couldn't remember eating that fast. Had Mum forgotten to give me the proper amount? This would never have happened if she’d sat with me. I decided it would be OK for me to pour some more into my bowl. If anything bad happened, then it would be Mum’s fault – she should have sat with me like she normally does.
So I poured. Something bad happened. It was Mum’s fault.
My family stopped what they were doing and looked at me with all my Sugar Puffs on the table and all the milk on the floor. Dad stood there shaking his head, and Jake and Joss were trying not to laugh. Mum rushed to the kitchen to get a cloth, looking at the floor all the way, so she could clear up my mess.
I got up and went to my room. Everyone else carried on with what they were doing.
Morning Watch
I got there and everything was gone. No bed, no books, no toys. I wasn't surprised; just a little annoyed. If they were going to move everything out of my room, couldn't they have waited until after my morning Watch and time with my books? Of course, now I know that they were changing homes, so it probably wasn't such a bad thing that all my stuff had gone – but at the time I found the whole thing a little annoying. I felt no rage. If Dad hadn't been in such a silly mood, I would probably have bitten Jake. I stepped over the boxes and leant on my windowsill to begin my morning Watch. This is Watch time. I do this in the mornings, when I come home from school, after tea and before I go to bed. Nobody can stop me from doing it; I don’t need anyone to help me and nobody bothers me while I’m doing it. My family understand my Watches – let Adam do it by himself; he doesn’t need any help; it’s something he can do all by himself. It gives me time to think. Whilst I’m sat at my window, watching people do what they do, day after day, I can think about important things – dogs, bikes, cars and the sky. I rarely think of my family – they’re always there anyway, so why do I need to think about them during my Watch? I also think about little things like food and baths. I sometimes wonder why I look through a window in my spare time, when Jake and Joss go out and ride their bikes, or play with their friends. It’s not something that makes me sad or angry, I just wonder why. Mostly I handle it quite well. Other times my head becomes really clear and thinking becomes a lot easier. Then I’m not thinking anymore – I’m worrying. If I’m in a bad mood or nobody is listening to me, I feel rage. Normally Mum gets hurt by my rage – not because I don’t love her, but because she just shuts her eyes and speaks softly and lets me do it. The others hit back and shout at me, especially Jake, but Mum just stands there and says, ‘it’s OK, sweetheart. Mummy’s here.’ I never bite her that hard. I bite Jake as hard as I possibly can.
That morning’s view was the same as any other, really. The postman looked as bored as ever; the old couple on the other side of the road were looking at our home and whispering to each other. Some kids were walking up to the playing field next to our home. The unusual thing that morning was that a huge lorry was parked outside our home. Two fat men – who I think were friends of Dad’s – were carrying all the boxes full of our stuff into the lorry. Jake and Joss were fighting in the garden.
It’s strange, but I’ve been in the family longer than both Jake and Joss. When they first came and were really small, they would play with me and talk to me all the time. Now they hardly speak to me. Joss will come to my room sometimes and read to me. When he’s bored, Jake will take me into the garden and try to play footie with me – but never for very long. They don’t really talk to me anymore. Nobody looks me in the eye and talks to me properly. Except Mum. But this is OK. Every now and again, Dad will come into my room when I’m supposed to be Watching through the window. He’ll come up to me and sit down and start chatting. Normally I won’t know what to do, so I just sit there and look at him. But he’ll sit there chatting slowly and quietly and actually look me in the eye. Sometimes his eyes go a bit teary and he wipes them with his hand. I’m never too sure what he’s saying, but I can make out stuff like, ‘I’m sorry –’, and ‘You’re a good lad.’ He slurs a bit and smells funny. But that doesn’t matter. When he’s with other people, he either shouts at me or ignores me. I like it when it’s just me and him. He holds my hand and hugs me. He smiles more.
After a while, I got bored with Watching. That was when the two fat men closed the doors at the back of the van and drove it away. I could hear everyone downstairs chatting and everything sounded really strange – like the rooms were really big. I decided it was time to finish my Watch and go downstairs – and everything had gone. All our stuff and furniture wasn't there anymore. I wasn’t as bothered as I should’ve been because everyone was putting coats on, and Jake was holding my coat and trying to get me to put it on. We were going out in the car, so things couldn’t have been that bad.
Special Watch – The Tar
I like long journeys in the car. I normally sit at the back in silence and watch all the stuff that happens. Normally it’s Jake who starts all the naughty stuff – Mum and Dad say his name loads when they talk to each other.
“You know why we’re moving to the countryside,” Dad said, “because we need a quieter home. Away from – all that.”
I didn't understand what those words meant. Jake was playing with Joss and I heard Mum say to Dad, “It’s not Jake’s fault.” I don’t know what that means. What any of it means.
“We’ve discussed it already. It’s what we all need,” said Dad.
“What you need,” said Mum. “You’re not the one who’s going to have to spend every day at home with Adam for the next six months…”
I heard my name mentioned. I understand some of their words sometimes, especially names. I always get a bit angry when I hear my name because I don’t understand the rest of the words, and what can I do to make them understand me? So I just sat back, Watched the other cars on the motorway, and let everyone else do their speaking.
So the car journey carried on for hours with the same conversations, arguments and games of Pub Cricket. We stopped at a café and I tipped the table over so that all the cups and teapots made a crashing noise on the floor. That wasn't the only reason I did it – I’d finished my Pom-Pom Parlar ages before and my family were just sitting there saying nothing. Something had to happen. There was no talking. There was no eating or drinking. Dad looked grumpy and tired. So I snapped. Bang! All the cups and teapots made noise and mess everywhere. My family got up quickly and bustled all around me. I stood and laughed at my mess – Mum kept saying sorry to everybody (that’s another word I understand). Jake and Dad screwed their faces up and kept looking at the people in the café who were staring. Jake shouted at one of them. Joss stood with her hands on her hips and a funny frown. After a little while, we went to leave. Dad went to the lady by the door and gave her all the money. He didn't look at her. Mum laughed her pretend laugh and said sorry again.
“I don’t mind clearing the mess up,” said Mum.
“No, honestly. That’s fine,” said the lady.
That was when we left. Dad, Jake and Joss walked in front of me and Mum so they could get to the car first. Mum held my hand. Back in the car I felt happy again. I’m able to Watch out of the window for as long as I like and the stuff keeps changing. All those people with all their lives going to different places for different reasons. They all seem to work so hard.
All this happened a few days ago when I thought we were just going for a drive or even going on holiday. But we got to the new house and it was empty, and now it’s full – full of all our stuff. So I’m home. Home with Mum, Dad, Jake and Joss. I get the feeling that, sometimes, it’s Mum, Dad, Jake, Joss and Adam. It’s hard to know that for certain when they all come and go, day in day out, and I just sit up in my room Watching out of the window.
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