I knew this conversation would lead to a fight and so I left Dena to wallow in her own self-pity. She knew where I was if she changed her mind.
Feeling lost, bored and irritated I went to visit Josie. We went to the mall and, just like old times, we walked around all the shops testing perfume and trying out make-up and not buying a thing. I felt happy again and was enjoying the company, so rather than go home and back to that feeling of being alone I stayed there.
It was still such a beautiful day and we sat outside by the pool reminiscing about the past year. We spoke about the people that had come into our lives and how everything had so drastically changed for the better. Josie spoke about how she missed Patty and how difficult it was to wait until Christmas to see her. I understood her pain and her longing as I felt it too.
‘When you leave Vanda, what is there here for us?’ Marco asked, not really expecting an answer, ‘I’m going to put the business on the market, there are already a few people interested and we want to move to Lesotho.’
‘Well, I can’t blame you for feeling like that. What would you do there though?’
‘When we visit them in December we will have a look around and see what prospects there are for us,’ Josie answered, confident that it would work out.
We sat outside until the sun set and the night air became chilly. Sometimes we were silent and listened to the still spring air, other times we laughed, or we became sad, but mostly we just enjoyed one another’s company. I had long ago spent such quality time with Marco and Josie as today. It was special and I knew, as did they, that it would be a long time before we spent such time together again.
I made myself comfortable in Patty’s bed while I chatted to Egan on my phone. He was as positive as ever of our life together and that Marco and Josie would find a way to be with Patty. He said if he were Marco he would do exactly the same thing. He also said that the fact that Marco would wait until I had left before moving showed how much they loved me as a daughter. I had not quite grasped that thought until Egan had mentioned it. It was only then that I realised how much I would miss them and how much I loved them as my own parents. I wondered as I drifted off to sleep whether I would miss Dena.
Minister Wade delivered a sermon that would have softened any heart that held a burden or was hardened. He brought a lump to my throat as he shared a story from his own life. His father had taken his own life in a state of depression when Minister Wade had been fifteen. He told us how he had searched for answers and got none from his mother who had been so distraught she had shut herself away from her children and the world. He’d felt abandoned and had been full of unanswered questions.
One day he went for a walk just to get out of the morbid, dull and lifeless house and he’d heard singing coming from a church building. He felt it pulling him toward it. He went in and sat at the back of the church and while the choir sang, he felt that they were singing to him and only to him, calling him to stay, calling him to belong, calling him to serve the One that would give his worried soul all the answers. He stayed for hours after the service had finished, sharing and speaking to the minister and a few other boys his age. That was the first day of his life.
He ended his sermon with, ‘God allows everything to happen for a reason, the things you want and the things you don’t want. And the Lord is always going to help you through everything, safely and soundly.’
These were compelling words I felt were directed solely to me, and that I needed to hear at this very stage in my life. They sunk in deep into my soul, to be stored for when I had to remind myself why things happen as they did in my life.
At home I found Dena still in bed. She had not touched her work and again I offered to help in any way I could.
‘I have not felt this ill in my whole life.’
She was pale and cold to the touch even though she was under a duvet. Perhaps we had the same bug making us feel ill.
‘Should I call Dr Preston?’
‘No, I’m sure it was that sushi I ate last night. If I’m still not better by tomorrow then I’ll give him a ring.’
‘What are you going to do about your work though?’
‘I phoned them and postponed the meeting to next week.’
‘Is there anything I can get you or do for you?’
I had never seen her looking like this before, and after Minister Wade’s sermon and the fact that she hadn’t become the devil in her own misery, I felt a heap of compassion for her.
‘I think I’ll just sleep, I’m sure I’ll be fine in the morning.’
27.
Naturally Glenna was delighted when I told her I would only be leaving after the busy season. This also gave us enough time to find my replacement. The days got increasingly hectic as companies realised it was time to plan their lavish year-end parties and the increase in weddings also began in the spring season.
I had to get to a doctor soon as the feeling of wanting to constantly throw-up would not leave and the congestion and sneezing had not ceased either.
It had been a few months now since I had seen a car other than Trey’s at Dena’s house. Of all the men in the world she decided to settle with, it had to be him. In all the time though, we had still managed to avoid each other, and that suited me just fine.
I dumped the load of files I’d brought home from work on the desk in my study and as I turned to walk out, my bag caught the edge of a file and they all came crashing down. Papers fell out and spread all across the floor. Irritated and tired, and not in the least bit amused, I bent down to pick everything up. Forgetting about my bag, all its contents poured out onto the floor on top of the papers. A string of curses expelled from my mouth that I immediately regretted. I straightened up, took a deep breath, told God I was sorry for my bad language, bent down and slowly started picking everything up. Once all the papers were back in the right files, my bag and all its contents safely in my room on the chair, I could relax and rejuvenate in a long hot bubble bath.
Relaxed in my PJs, with a cup of hot chocolate and ready to go through the files and perhaps catch up with some work, I sat at my desk in the study so I could chat to Egan at the same time via a video call. This was not to be. No sooner had I sat down when I heard a door slam shut and a car screeching down the road, tyres spinning as it revved loudly. I presumed that since I had not heard from Dena after checking in on her this morning, that she was either feeling better or had got medication from Dr Preston. She had still not been well this morning but had looked much better than the day before. I got up to look out of the window to see if it was Trey that had raced off. Sure enough it was. So now that had come to an end, though it had certainly lasted longer than any other fling she’d had.
She was sitting on the couch, pale, her eyes red and watery.
Has Dena been crying? I never thought I would see the day she cried over a man.
‘Hi, you okay?’
I stood in the lounge still holding my cup of hot chocolate not sure what to do. I’d never been in this situation with her before. She looked up at me, a very odd look on her face. I didn’t know what to make of her expression at all.
‘Was that Trey racing away like a mad thing?’
Dena grunted, ‘Oh yeah! He ran like a cat on fire.’
She was not making much sense to me.
‘Why? Did you end it or did he?’
‘I think you should sit down.’
‘Can I get you something before I do? Coffee, tea, juice?’
I literally wanted to vomit.
‘No, please just sit down.’
Dena sounded anxious, almost panicky. I put my cup on the coffee table, sat down on the armchair and lifted my legs up, hugging them to me. She was nervously pulling on the corner of the scatter cushion while she held it close to her chest. She seemed to be fraying at the edges and was simply not herself.
‘Did you go to Dr Preston today?’ I asked, suddenly realising this might be the cause of her strange behaviour.
Dena nodded her head and bent it down into the cushion. I could not believe what I was seeing.
‘So clearly it is not a good diagnosis. Mom, please tell me what is going on!’
I had the feeling that something awful was about to happen. Dena opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. Instead she began to sob while holding out a piece of paper for me to read. Both our hands were shaking uncontrollably as I leant over, took it from her and sat back in my chair to read it.
Have I read this correctly?
I read it a few times. My jaw dropped open more and more with every read.
This can’t be right.
‘WHAT?’
Dena just shook her head.
‘WHAT? HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?’ I could not help my yelling. I was horrified at what I had read.
‘I mean, I know how, but…YOU’RE FIFTY-SIX YEARS OLD!’
‘Vanda, I don’t know, I don’t…’ Dena sobbed uncontrollably, not able to finish her sentence.
‘How can you be pregnant Mother, how? How?’
And then it suddenly dawned on me why Trey had left so suddenly.
‘Trey? You told him?’
‘He ran away; won’t have anything to do with it.’
My shock moved me to anger.
‘He has to. He cannot run away from this. He has to take responsibility. How could you just let him go? This is outrageous.’
‘Vanda, I don’t know…’
‘Mother, this is ludicrous. Were you not careful or did you think at your age it couldn’t happen?’
I rambled on, asking one rhetorical question after the other. I just could not wrap my head around this. It was impossible.
‘What did you say to Trey? What did he say to you?’
Dena just kept quiet and hugged her cushion.
‘When are you going to Dr Preston again?’
‘Tomorrow.’
‘Well, I am coming with you. I need as much clarity as you do. Oh wait, will Trey be there?’
‘Most definitely not.’
‘Well, I guess I was not wrong about him then. You better make sure he supports you financially, he is not going to get away with this.’
‘I’m not interested in fighting for his support.’
I sat silenced and stunned and far too angry. Dena was going to repeat her past mistakes – another child without a father, born from a mother that had no time for her own child.
‘I’m going to get into bed, I’m exhausted.’
Dena stood up and dragged herself to her room. I got up and dragged myself back to my cottage, utterly confused.
What impact would this have on my life?
In bed I phoned Josie. I had to tell her as she would probably walk into a war zone the next morning. Josie was silent on the other end of the phone. She had no words.
I phoned Patty next. She too had no words.
I phoned Glenna and at the same time asked for a few hours off. She had no words except, ‘Yes, of course.’
I put my hand on the screen of my laptop trying to ease the tense creases on Egan’s face.
‘But how?’
He was as shocked and confused as the rest of us.
‘Well I’m sure you know how, the question is, is it even possible?’
‘Are you okay love?’
‘I don’t know yet.’ My voice was flat and expressionless.
‘Well I’m sure by January everything will be back to normal and you can still come over here.’
Ireland! I had completely forgotten all about moving to Ireland.
‘Oh Egan! What if it all goes wrong? If I can’t get to Ireland what will we do?’
I burst into tears. The impact of what this pregnancy might do to my forever became a daunting reality.
‘Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We have to trust God to work it out.’
‘Egan, if we can’t be together then what’s the point of us, of our relationship?’
‘It’ll work out love, don’t doubt God.’
I couldn’t think anymore. I would not even comprehend not spending the rest of my life with Egan. Dena and her irresponsible lifestyle were not going to ruin my chance at happiness and my life with Egan.
28.
Dr Preston’s office was stark, cold and unfriendly. The walls were adorned with his achievements along with shelves and shelves of books. We sat nervous and sombre in the armchairs in front of his desk, silently waiting for the doctor to take his place on the other side of the desk. He entered the office and quietly closed the door behind him. He was small-boned and short, and I was sure he wore contact lenses on his black eyes which enhanced his head of grey hair.
‘Well I’ll bet this was a shock,’ he said with a grin that neither Dena nor I found amusing at all.
‘Okay, I suppose it was not a very pleasant shock.’
‘No, not at all in fact,’ I made sure he understood my tone of voice.
He told Dena to lie on the consultation bed and he went through his routine examination. Then Dena redressed and returned to her chair. I was immensely uncomfortable. In the natural process of life our roles in the doctor’s room should be reversed, should they not?
‘Well you are definitely with child; about six weeks along now. As I said, I’m sure it has been a great shock but I want to assure you both that even though pregnancies at your age,’ and he looked pointedly at Dena, ‘are very uncommon, there is no need to be overly concerned. With today’s technology it can be just as easy as the pregnancy of a woman in her twenties.’
I breathed out a sign of relief as he continued.
‘There will obviously be the concern of a miscarriage and you will probably have to stop working sooner than normal. The other concern is your blood pressure. We will have to monitor it very closely so that it doesn’t get too high which is a common occurrence in pregnancies of older women.’
Dr Preston chose his words very carefully when he referred to Dena’s age. It was a little amusing as he was the only man on earth who knew Dena’s real age. Besides my biological father perhaps, but even then I wasn’t sure.
‘Instead of monthly checkups I would prefer to see you every two weeks up to the third trimester and then it will be every week. You must be aware now that you will not carry full-term and you will have to have a caesarean at about thirty-six weeks.’
He rambled on and on about what might and might not happen. I thought of one thing only – Ireland. I would still be able to go since Dena was not in as much danger as I’d imagined. Dena’s complacent attitude was worrisome though. Would she actually adhere to the doctor’s orders or would she just carry on as usual, putting her career first, before the welfare of her unborn child?
Josie was waiting in the kitchen to hear all the news when we arrived home. I gave her a brief report of what Dr Preston had told me and she listened with interest.
‘Now don’t you worry about a thing! I will be here so you go to Ireland and live your life. I know you are worried but it will be fine. You can come home when the baby is due and that will be enough. You can’t put your life on hold for this.’
‘Are you sure Josie? Won’t people think I am being selfish and a bad daughter if I leave?’
‘The people that know you know of your relationship with Dena and they will understand. The others, well they don’t matter now do they?’
Josie always had a way of making sense to me and as soon as I was back in my cottage I phoned Egan. I could hear the relief in his voice when I explained all that the doctor had said.
‘You see love, it will work out fine. Don’t stress, rather spend the last few months with Dena in good spirits.’
I knew he was right and told him how much I loved him and missed him.
At work Glenna was very interested in what Dr Preston had told me, asking questions about how Dena’s blood pressure would be controlled and what medication she would be on. When she was finally satisfied, we could get on with our work as the deadlines could not be moved for the sake of our discussions. I was very grateful for the busy schedule at work as it allowed me to forget about Dena and the anger I felt towards her.
Every night I checked in on Dena to make sure she was doing fine. Most nights she got home after I did. As I had suspected, her pregnancy did not seem to slow her down or change her priorities at all. The upside though, was that there were no more strange cars parked in her driveway.
At Bible study I told everyone about the situation with Dena and they too were stunned. They all knew about my relationship with Dena and as I spoke, Josie held my hand and squeezed it every now and then. Tali spoke first, admitting how surprised she was and offering to be available for me should I need any help or someone to talk to. The whole group voiced their support for at least two hours after the Bible study, discussing the pregnancy until it was completely exhausted of all pros and cons.
Dena had still not told her colleagues or her bosses as she claimed that should something go wrong, well, then at least no damage was done. She infuriated me with her selfish and callous attitude.
Alice had not been at the previous evening’s Bible study, so during a quiet patch at work I phoned her. I wanted to know if Trey was still there or if he had left the country after discovering he was going to be a father.
‘He has been in an even worse mood lately and as you can imagine, the tension is unbelievable. I got that job I told you about closer to home and I’ve handed in my resignation. Leaving here cannot come soon enough.’
‘Congrats Alice, I’m so happy you can get out of there too. Well, I’m not surprised he’s in a bad mood. He made Dena pregnant,’ I said it quickly and there was an unmistakable silence on the other end of the phone, ‘only he won’t take any responsibility for it and ran when he got the news. He is the devil.’ The anger in my voice appeared once more.
Alice was forced to put down the phone as Trey was walking towards her office, but she came to visit me after work to tell me what had happened after our phone call.
‘I waited until several staff members, as well as Mr Drake, were within hearing distance then I congratulated Trey on becoming a father. He was so shocked that I knew about it and Mr Drake was furious that he’d not been the first to know.’
I couldn’t help but burst out laughing visualizing Trey’s expression.
‘Trey literally exploded in anger, cursed everyone and then some, and stormed off to his office, took his personal belongings and sped off like a maniac.’
Alice shook her head.
‘Then Mr Drake called me to his office and accused me of telling lies! So I told him where he could get off and that if Trey was not guilty then why had he run off. Then I told him about how Trey won’t acknowledge his part in fathering the child and how his company is the root of all evil. Then I got up and told him I was leaving immediately and not at the end of the month. Naturally Mr Drake went ballistic but I simply turned around, collected my personal belongings and walked out.’
I wish I’d been a fly on that wall.
29.
Dena’s nausea increased dramatically day by day, along with her bad mood. My nausea had thankfully disappeared completely. She battled to keep anything down and it was not restricted to the mornings. The so-called morning sickness lasted just about the whole day. Being the age she was, no one even suspected she was pregnant and just presumed it was menopause. Dena did not correct their thinking either.
It was a week after New Years and the days were getting hotter and, for a few minutes every day after work, I went to my favourite spot on the beach under the tower clock. It was my place of comfort, where I felt close to Egan and especially to God. It reminded me of happier times. Of times when life wasn’t so confusing, of times when nothing in life was complicated, and, for a few seconds I felt like young girl, madly in love and with friends as young and silly as she. That afternoon I realised that in a few weeks’ time I would leave home and find another special place in Ireland where I could feel this close to God, surrounded by beauty that no mortal man would ever be able to create and got home later than usual, the beach and the sunset had been just too inviting to leave.