I gasped again.
‘Can I see her?’
‘In a little while the nurse will come and fetch you.’
Dr Preston left and I sat numb and confused, frozen in my chair. The others were silent too, just as stunned as I was. A nurse old enough to be my grandmother walked into the room and with the sweetest voice told me I could see Dena. I lifted myself up onto shaky legs and holding onto Josie we walked slowly to Dena’s room. She hugged me at the door and suddenly I was alone. Hesitantly I entered the room that, except for the sound from the machines, was silent, with death looming in the shadows. I sat next to her bed. She was still and straight and the machines bleeped and buzzed around us. I held her hand as it rested on the bed and stared at her, willing her to get better for her sake as well as for the sake of the baby.
‘Hi Mom,’ I said, ‘come on Mom, wake up, please get better.’
I bent my head and rested it on the edge of the bed and while I prayed I cried, begging her to get better. She lay there like a corpse.
‘Mom please, please, I’m sorry we never got along but please, please get better.’
My shoulders shook as I sobbed uncontrollably, gripping her hand tightly; the sound of the machines accompanying the sound of my unhappiness.
A tap on my shoulder woke me up an hour later, my head still resting on the bed and my hand still in Dena’s.
‘Would you like us to arrange a bed for you here in the room?’
It was the same sweet lady who asked me as she checked the machines and made sure they were still bleeping out the correct rhythms.
‘Thank you that would be very kind of you.’
I went to the coffee shop to get a dose of caffeine and a blueberry muffin while the extra bed was being set up. I phoned Egan and gave him an update on Dena and, like always, he remained devoted to our reunion in the near future.
Before returning to the room I went to the bathroom and took my time freshening up. I stared in the mirror at my face and my tired swollen eyes, not ever imagining the mayhem to which I would return – a flurry of nurses acting swiftly under the instructions of Dr Preston.
‘What’s going on?’ My heart skipped a beat.
‘Vanda my dear, you should not be in here right now, please will you wait in the waiting room? I will be there shortly.’
I turned around and walked to the waiting room like a zombie. I sat down on a chair and just stared at the floor. Josie, Marco and Minister Wade had left; I was alone, alone to face what I feared most.
What is he going to tell me next? What precl…disease will he tell me she has now?
A while later Dr Preston walked in and spoke to me softly.
‘That was a little scary now wasn’t it? I’m sorry I chased you off like that. Dena’s blood pressure went a bit crazy there for a while but we managed to get it back under control.’
‘Can I see her again now?’
‘Yes, yes please do.’
I breathed out a sigh of relief. It was not what I had feared and perhaps Dena would survive this, I tried to convince myself rather unconvincingly.
Again, she was as still as a corpse as I sat next to her holding her hand. The baby moved or kicked, I wasn’t sure what they called it. The sheet shook as the baby kicked again and, as I rested my hand on Dena’s belly, it kicked once more. I jerked my hand away, amazed at what I had felt and quickly put my hand back waiting and hoping it would happen again. I guess the baby decided that was enough entertainment for the night as I never felt it move again. I phoned Josie. I had to tell someone.
‘Josie, guess what happened? I felt the baby move! It kicked my hand! It was the weirdest feeling.’
Josie just laughed and explained that it was normal and that it meant the baby was healthy and alive.
Since the baby was not going to keep me company I decided to go home to my cottage and get some much needed silent, peaceful rest. Sleeping in the bed next to Dena was not, I figured, perhaps such a good idea after all.
32.
There is nothing like one’s own bed to achieve complete and much needed rest. I allowed the covers and the mattress to swallow me as I sunk into a deep, sound, calm sleep. For about three hours.
My phone rang so loudly that I sat up straight like a pole, the covers flying right off the bed and in one movement I had the phone by my ear.
‘Hello?’ I answered, wide awake.
‘Vanda, this is Sister Weir from the hospital. I apologise for waking you at this hour but Dr Preston asks if you would please come down to the hospital immediately.’
‘What’s going on?’
‘I’m sorry, I can’t say. Please come as soon as you can.’
‘Uhm, okay. Thank you for phoning. Tell Dr Preston I will be there soon.’
I sat for a few seconds stunned, the phone still in my hand.
Was Dena alive?
Had her blood pressure gone out of control again and did she have that preecalm thing?
After pulling on a pair of jeans, a loose sweater and sneakers I thought of phoning Josie and asking her to go with me. Then I reconsidered it as Josie needed the rest too and there would not be anything she could do whatever the situation.
The city streets were quiet and dark, encouraging me to speed and I only yielded at the stop streets and robots, not wanting to waste a second.
The hospital corridors seemed longer than usual as I ran towards Dena’s room. When I finally reached it I could not help the eerie feeling that attacked me at the doorway, a feeling that something had gone horribly wrong. A nurse was standing beside the bed fiddling with a new machine with a different bleep. Dena’s skeletal body lay on the bed inflated at the abdomen by the baby.
‘I’m Vanda, Dr Preston told me to come in,’ I stuttered breathlessly.
‘Please wait here, I will fetch Dr Preston.’
She disappeared from the room and I stood there looking around at the machines and the space where the bed for me had been. Dr Preston rushed in.
‘Thank you for coming Vanda, please sit down.’
He motioned to the armchair next to Dena’s bed as he leaned against the bed, crossed his arms over his chest and looked at me. I could see he was choosing his words wisely.
‘I’m afraid your mother has made a turn for the worst. Not long after you left, her blood pressure shot up so high that she started having seizures, it’s what we call eclampsia.’
‘What?’
‘It’s the term used when seizures occur from severe preeclampsia. In other words, your mother…Dena’s condition has reached a critical stage. The seizures have put her life and that of the baby’s in severe danger. Every time she has a seizure the oxygen supply to the baby is lessened. It is a very, very serious situation.’
‘When I left here she was calm and everything was under control. How did all this happen?’
‘It is a very unpredictable condition that she has, but I’m afraid that from this point she will not recover.’
I quivered at his words.
‘What do you mean, not recover?’
My voice went up an octave.
‘What I mean, Vanda, is that we can possibly keep Dena alive on machines for another week for the sake of the baby, and then we will have to do a caesarean and deliver the baby.’
My mouth hung open and I felt my heart race at a thousand beats a second. My breaths were short and shallow as I started to gasp, trying to get a grip on the reality I had just been dealt. My skin went cold and sweaty and I could feel the blood drain from my face. I wanted to speak but no words were being released from my brain. My stomach felt hollow and the nerves took over as my body began to shake. I heard Dr Preston calling out to the nurse who rushed off and returned with water and a pill and, with some effort, managed to get me to swallow it.
What is happening? What is happening? I kept asking myself over and over again in my state of panic.
‘Vanda, please breathe, breathe my girl.’
‘She is going to die when the baby is born?’ I asked in a small voice, not wanting his answer.
‘I’m sorry Vanda but it’s almost definite that either Dena or the baby will not make it and if Dena does make it she will remain in a coma.’
‘NO NO NO NO NO it can’t be! This cannot happen!’
Dr Preston put his hand on my shoulder in a gesture of compassion. I jumped up and moved away from him, away from the bed, away from the death.
‘YOU SAID IT WOULD BE FINE, YOU SAID A LOT OF WOMEN HER AGE HAVE BABIES! YOU SAID IT WOULD BE FINE!’
Trembling, I tried to grab something and then it went dark. It felt like I was floating and then something hard touched my back and I heard voices and felt movements around me.
‘Vanda, Vanda can you hear me? Vanda?’
My eyes flickered open to the faces of Dr Preston and the sweet old nurse hovering over me.
‘Hello again dear, you fainted dear. We lifted you onto a bed in the next room. Just lie here for a while, we will be here with you.’
‘Is there someone we can phone for you?’ the sweet old nurse asked.
‘Josie please.’ I mumbled, giving them my phone from my pants’ pocket.
‘I’m so sorry that this has happened Vanda, I could make it better if Dena’s body was willing.’
I put my hand over my eyes as the sobs seeped from my shuddering chest. I tried not to think about what had happened, what had been said and what was in store for me now.
‘How is the baby?’ I squeaked finally, once the sobs had subsided.
‘She is doing remarkably well at the moment. She is under a lot of stress but she has a good heartbeat. She’s a fighter. I think she will be just fine.’
I was about to scold Dr Preston for the time he’d said that Dena would be fine when now she was anything but fine, but suddenly I realised what he had just said.
‘She? The baby is a girl?’
‘Oh, yes, sorry I thought you knew. Yes, it’s a girl.’
I tried to wrap my mind around the idea of the baby in Dena’s tummy being a girl. I couldn’t. I couldn’t think of the baby as anything other than an it. I was able to sit up without feeling woozy with the help of the sweet old nurse, who had a glass of water ready for me to drink.
‘Sometime very soon we need to discuss the baby,’ Dr Preston said quietly.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Are you going to raise the child yourself or do you want to give it up for adoption?’
I felt woozy again.
‘Me? What do I know about a baby?’
It was all just too much to digest right then and there. The anger I had managed to control for so long flew out of me with a vengeance when I realised I would never get to Ireland and to Egan.
‘I DON’T WANT THE BABY! WHY MUST I HAVE THE BABY? IT’S NOT MY BABY!’
‘No decision needs to be made at this very moment; we can talk about it again tomorrow when things are calmer.’
‘Vanda.’
I was so relieved to hear Josie’s voice I burst into fresh tears.
‘Oh Josie! It’s not fair!’ I cried as she rushed to my side and held me in her arms, still unaware of the severity of the situation.
I clung onto her tightly, as if in doing so she could erase all the horrible chaos. Josie held me and rubbed my arms and back, my tears and sobs slowly ebbing away.
‘What is going on?’ she asked Dr Preston
He explained the events of the last few hours while I held onto her tightly, shutting out his words not wanting to hear them again. I felt Josie jerk and her head bent down onto my neck. She had heard.
‘Oh Vanda, I am so sorry.’
She cried with me and I cried with her. Carefully she released her hold on me enough to phone Marco with the news, sobbing all the while.
‘Marco will be here soon,’ she said to me brushing my hair lovingly from my face.
I looked at her with my flushed cheeks and swollen red eyes.
‘What must I do with the baby?’
‘Shoo, let’s wait until Marco gets here and we can all discuss it then okay?’
Why would God give me such a burden?
The sweet old nurse went to order us coffee and Dr Preston went to check on Dena, it was just Josie and me left in the room.
‘I can’t help but be so angry. I know Minister Wade helped me through the anger but it seems to have all come back now. Why must I have the baby? What do I know about a baby?’
Marco rushed into the room and I am sure Josie was relieved that she did not have to answer my questions. Behind Marco, to my surprise, was Minister Wade. A rush of relief washed through me now that they were both there. Maybe, just maybe, sanity would prevail. We held each other while my tears kept falling and for all the words of comfort that were being uttered, all I wanted to do was -scream.
Dr Preston returned to the room and explained the situation to everyone once more, and again I found it difficult to accept the obvious outcome. We bowed our heads while Minister Wade prayed for Dena and the baby’s health and for Josie and Marco and me to reach out to Him for the strength we would need in the days to come. I felt exhausted and it was an effort to open my eyes when Minister Wade had finished praying. Dr Preston gently suggested we all go home as there was nothing more to be done except wait. We would discuss the baby’s future when we could think more rationally.
33.
After a telephone call with Glenna where I explained what had happened, I made coffee, got back into bed and phoned Egan. I knew he would be at work but I had to tell him and I needed to know how the baby would affect our relationship. I couldn’t stand the never-ending scenarios and assumptions playing games with my mind.
‘Hello my love,’ he answered.
His Irish accent was becoming increasingly thicker the longer he was in Ireland. As always he was cheerful and his voice full of positives.
Would this be the last time we spoke?
I was silent, trying to find the right words to tell him.
‘Vanda, what’s wrong? What’s happened with Dena and the baby?’
I heard him excusing himself from the office and a door closed behind him.
‘Vanda, please tell me what’s going on!’
I thought there were no more tears left in me and yet they rolled down my face, a lump and sobs choking my throat.
‘Dena, in a coma…baby okay…’ I managed to utter.
‘Oh! My love! I am so sorry. What do the doctors say?’
I took an extremely deep breath, forcing enough oxygen into my lungs so that I could explain what had happened. After relating my version of the past evening’s events I waited for his response.
‘You have to take the baby Vanda, it’s still your blood and it is what is right.’
‘I know it is, but I’m just so angry that this is now my responsibility. I just can’t understand what God is planning for me with a baby that isn’t even mine. It’s confusing and it just makes me so angry.’
As I spoke I could feel the anger towards Dena boiling through my veins. Her life was a ride of selfishness and her lifestyle of male visitors had ultimately cost her, her life and yet it was I that had to live with the consequences. I wanted to go to the hospital and pummel her still almost lifeless body just at the thought of it.
‘Don’t try to work out what God’s plan is for you. It will all be revealed to you at some stage. I know it’s easy for me to talk here, thousands of miles away, but you must trust God to get you through this His way. Have you spoken to Minister Wade?’
‘Yes, he came to the hospital with Marco last night. I wasn’t exactly pleasant, and with so many questions and the exhaustion it was not a good time to really speak to him.’
I took another very deep gulp of air.
‘What about us?’
‘What do mean? What about us?’ he asked, sounding shocked.
‘Well, I won’t be able to come to Ireland as soon as we planned, and it is already a year later than we originally planned! And now I have a baby to take care of, and that’s for a lifetime…’ I trailed off.
‘I still don’t understand what the issue is.’
‘Egan, it’s not just me anymore, there’s a baby. Are you willing to raise a baby that’s not yours? What do we know about babies?’
‘The baby will be yours and you’re all I want. I have parents that will help.’
Somehow God led this Irish lad into my life and for that I was forever grateful.
Overwhelmed with relief and gratitude, the sobs and tears found their way back to my throat and I cried over the phone as Egan tried and tried to comfort me through his own tears.
‘Vanda, my love, my life is with you, forever. If it comes with a package, that’s okay, as long as you’re with me. If it takes us another six months or another year to be together it doesn’t matter. We will have forever to make up for it.’
‘I love you,’ were the only words I could manage and the only ones that mattered.
We spent nearly an hour on the phone even though he was supposed to be working. He said once they heard the situation they would be sympathetic. I could only hope so.
I’d just ended the call with Egan when Patty phoned. Josie had phoned her to tell her the news and once again I was hit by how much I missed her. After listening to me ramble on for ages about the baby and Dena and Egan, Patty finally had the chance to tell me her news. They were on their way to a remote village for a couple of months and would not be anywhere near a phone or any sort of communication. She knew the timing was not the best and even suggested they postpone their trip. It took me ages to convince her that there was nothing she could do to change the inevitable and that Dena should not be the reason they too changed their lives. After I ended the call I felt so alone. My best friend and my partner were both miles and miles away. What would I do if Josie and Marco were not around, and if Glenna was not so understanding, or if I did not have a support group in my friends from church? I had to realise that I was not really alone at all.
The next call was to the hospital. A different nurse spoke to me and confirmed that there was no change. Then I phoned Josie. If I was going to raise this child I would probably need things, and since Dena had not bothered buying anything yet there was still nothing for the baby. Josie was delighted with the prospect of shopping. It was perhaps just what I needed to begin thinking of raising a child.
Going to the mall brought back the all too familiar feeling of days when I was much younger and Josie and I would spend a day walking in and out of shops having as much coffee at as many coffee shops as possible. To pass the time while Marco and Patty worked on their cars. I dared to think that the shopping we would be doing today would be very different, but thankfully the coffee shops would still be the same.
After deciding on a time to meet, I had a refreshing shower, feeling as though I was washing all the horror of the previous evening away. I felt more confident in the challenge of keeping the baby after my phone call with Egan. The fear of resenting the baby for ruining my forever with Egan was eliminated and it was possible that this was the reason I felt more at ease with the idea of a baby. As I walked from the bedroom to the kitchen with a clean body, fresh hair and wearing a pair of jeans, a blue sweater and pumps, I looked about the cottage. Would the cottage be big and safe enough to raise a child in, or would I have to move into the house? I did not like the house at all.
Josie was ready and waiting with a list almost two pages long of things we had to buy.
‘It’s just a baby, what on earth do we need so much stuff for?’ I glanced through the list, not recognising half the items listed.
On our way to the mall I raised the subject of the cottage versus the house.
‘For the first month perhaps you should move in with us. At least then we can help you and the baby adapt.’
‘Uhm, actually I hadn’t even thought of that. Oh Josie, how am I going to manage this? I haven’t got a clue have I?’
‘It’s going to be very difficult in the beginning but I’m sure, no, I know, you will be just fine.’
‘What if I don’t like the baby? What if I just can’t get the hang of this baby business and what if the baby doesn’t like me?’
‘Now you’re letting your mind run away with you. Just relax and let’s buy all these goodies first, and when the baby is born then you deal with all those fears with us together, okay?’
‘Thank you Josie, you know I love you. As always, you are the one that I rely on. What would I do without you?’
Although Josie simply fobbed me off I knew that she knew how grateful I was and how much I loved her as my own mother.
We stood in one of the many baby shops in the mall in complete awe of the many choices on offer. How were we to make a decision, and the right one at that? Josie was fascinated by the varieties and kept remarking how in her day there had been a choice of perhaps one or two different varieties of prams and cots, but today it was like walking into a candy store.
I was relieved to find Tali in the same store we were in and, without hesitation I went over to her pulling Josie with me and pleaded for her help. Tali smiled in amusement at our blatant lack of knowledge in the matters of baby components. She explained the pros and cons of the items that Josie and I were interested in, and after a while she’d forgotten what she had originally come to buy as she delved into our long list.
At the checkout point I looked at the heap of purchased items, at Josie and Tali and then back at the items.
‘Is all this stuff really necessary? I can understand the cot and pram and nappies and pe