8

I can't believe that I actually feel good about being back in Irvine, after many years of loathing and misprizing this city. Throughout the drive home and during dinner, plus the entire night without much sleep at all, I've been thinking about what to say to Emilie. I know I'll see her in class later today. I guess I'll just have to play it cool, then again, I'm not cool, so I'll just be nice. But pretty girls hate nice. Maybe I'll just skip class today so I don't have to deal with this, but then she'll just forget about me entirely. Man, I hate worrying about this! All this pressure and there's still nothing going on between us. I guess this is romance. But then again, I read a book by the Dalai Lama, in which he explained that romance is an illusion and a fantasy. If you look up the word romancein the dictionary, you'll get the definitions: imaginative fictitious,and the aforementioned fantasy. In other words, romance isn't real, just like Hollywood isn't real. I'll quote the Dalai Lama from his book, TheArtofHappiness

“ The idealization of this romantic love can be seen as an extreme. It cannot be seen as a positive thing. It's something that is based on fantasy, unattainable. So, on that basis it cannot be seen as a positive thing."

This is why the divorce rate is now over sixty percent, according to a friend of my parents, who happens to be a marriage attorney. Please understand that I think relationships are definitely okay; I obviously have nothing against them. But when a girl wants a guy to do everything for her or when a guy waits hand and foot for a girl, that is obsession, and as the Dalai Lama stated: "...it cannot be seen as a positive thing." That's why relationships fail all the time; that's why marriages fail all the time. A relationship based on genuine compassion and mutual respect is what maintains a strong relationship, not romance. So I guess I better show Emilie respect first, before anything else.

My early morning drive to UCI is as tedious as watching senior citizens play miniature golf, in other words boring as hell, especially driving the same, mundane route and seeing the same, old scenery. What makes it worse is the heavy traffic, as you already know. But the good thing about getting here early is getting a great parking spot, right in front of the School of Biological Sciences. Now I have all the time in the world to plan out what to say to Emilie.

I'm in my first class of the day, biochemistry, feeling very tense and anxious. Time is a killer especially when you're waiting for the big moment. So I decide, for the very first time ever, to get out of class early just so I can go to the bathroom to freshen up, you know, to work my magic and get ready for Emilie.

“ ”I'm standing at the urinal doing my thing when I notice, at the corner of my eye, a guy standing right behind me, looking rather pensive and uncertain. There are a total of five urinals in the men's bathroom, with me occupying the one farthest to the left, the remaining four are empty. For you ladies out there, please understand that a guy should never stand

—behind you if the other urinals are empty that's what we call gay. Anyway, I finish doing my“ ”thing and as I leave the bathroom, I see the guy immediately dashing to the center urinal, to “do his thing.”

 

I ponder for a moment about his bizarre behavior and then I realize that this guy suffers

— from shy bladder syndrome supposedly a new disease according to a news article I read a —few months ago in which a person experiences trouble peeing when there are people around him. I can't believe this is actually a disease. For crying out loud, AIDS is on the rise, cancer is everywhere, but we now have a more serious disease known as shy bladder syndrome! Are you kidding me? What's so shy about peeing? There's a very easy way to resolve his shy bladder syndrome and since I'm so nice, I'll help that guy out: I'll let him hold my penis while I pee, just to show him that there's nothing to be shy about. If I can do it, anyone can! Okay, maybe I won't let him hold my penis actually, hell no I won't let him but if— — shy bladder is a big problem for him, all he needs to do is drink massive amounts of water, then his body will have no choice but to pee, even with people around. Do it enough times and it'll break the mental block, like the mental block a professional baseball player experiences during a slump, in which the skill to hit is there but something is just in the way mentally. By drinking massive amounts of water over time, he'll start peeing in front of people and eventually break the mental block. After time, he'll start peeing normally with no more shy bladder. Who needs medical school if someone like me can start curing diseases like shy bladder syndrome? Anyway, I'll stop playing doctor since I need to get ready for my big moment: Emilie.

Rushing to my molecular biology class, I get there half an hour early and much to my surprise, I see Emilie sitting in the back row, beautiful and captivating, as the clouds rip open the sky, allowing the sun to shine brilliantly with its radiance upon her heavenly presence. Alright, I sound like a damn romance novel, but I can't help just standing there, silent and motionless, with a totally stunned look on my face the look of love.—

“Emilie looks up and smiles. Hey Johnson. Why are you just standing there by the ”door? I really hope I don't blow this.

“ I just realized that I forgot something in my car, I stammer, hoping that she didn't”
catch me staring. I really hope I don't blow this. But it's no big deal. How are you doing?“ ”
“I'm doing good. How about you?”
“I'm doing great, now that you're here...to help me with my...homework of course. I” think I'm really blowing this.
Emilie just smiles. I walk towards the back of the room and take the seat right next to —her that's one small step for a man, one giant leap for Johnson!
“Alright. Let me take a look at your homework, Emilie says, as I hand her my”
notebook. Just so you know, I purposely missed some answers, to make it look like I really need tutoring. Truth be told, I'm maintaining a 4.0 in the class or else my parents would—
bring back the old feather duster for you-know-what.
Emilie looks over my homework, with meticulous eyes and as I expect, she points out my erroneous answers and helps me correct them. After she finishes, we start chatting a little about our past weekend in Palo Alto. Did you have fun hanging out with“ Auntie”, Emilie says, trying to keep from laughing too hard. I'm going to kill Gabriel for having such a big mouth.
“My auntand I didn't do too much. We just went shopping for some things. She criticized Gabriel most of the weekend. That part I actually liked.”
“Did Gabriel tell you that we use to hang out when we were kids? It's been so long since I've spoken to him.”
“Yeah. He told me that you stopped hanging out with him because he was a loser. And you're totally right.”
“Haha. No, Gabriel's a sweetheart. I love his upbeat attitude and his disheveled hair, even his nasty beard. He's a cool guy.”
“You wouldn't say that if you see the way he drives, I joke, using my humor and”
“charm to win her over. By the way, did you have fun hanging out with your boy toy, Ronald?” I'm trying to find out if they're really going out or not.
“It was okay. Ronald's parents are good friends with mine. He's been asking me out for the longest time, but I don't like him. My parents cajoled me into hanging out with him for the weekend since he knows a lot of people at Stanford Medical. I'm hoping to get in after I ”graduate here. This is exactly what I want to hear: I don't like him.“ ”
“ ”So you two aren't going out? I ask with a little too much excitement, hoping she wouldn't pick up on this.
“Would you like it if we were going out?”
“I would like it if Ronald and I were going out, I joke, catching her off guard.”
“Oh really?! Why don't I arrange a date between the two of you? It would be my ”absolute pleasure, Emilie exclaims, displaying her good sense of humor. I like a girl with a good sense of humor.
“Then it would be my absolute pleasure never to talk to you again, I counter. We both”
laugh out loud, attracting several stares from those around us. Luckily, class hasn't started yet or else we'd both be asked to leave.
Much to my surprise, Emilie tilts her head slightly and closer towards me, her eyes locking with mine. I can sense that she's about to ask me something important. So Johnson,“ how come we've been in the same classes since middle school, yet, this is the first time we're ”actually talking? Her question catches me off guard, since I had no idea that she even knew that I existed all the way back in middle school. Hell, I didn't even know I existed all the way back in middle school.
“ ”I'm shy because girls find it endearing, I say to play it off. Emilie starts laughing at my remark.
“Well, endearing or not, we should talk more, Emilie says. I can't believe it! Things are”
really starting to look good for me!

— —After two hours of torture I mean lecture class is finally over. It's now or never so I work up enough courage to ask Emilie for her number. She grabs my left wrist, forming a tight grip as if she's afraid that I'll escape and writes her phone number with her Hello Kitty pen, in big loopy letters on the top of my hand. Don't wash your hands, Emilie instructs, and you“ ” “

”better call. She smiles with a hint of seriousness.

I pull out my mobile phone from my right pocket, scrolling down to select the camera option. With the click of a button, I take a snapshot of her number on my hand. In the event“ that my left hand gets chopped off, I can still call you with my right.”

“ I like a guy with a sense of humor. Anyway, I gotta get going. Do call me. Emilie” departs through the door, looking fantastic in her ass-hugging jeans. I like ass-hugging jeans —correction: I love ass-hugging jeans.

I can't believe what just happened! I don't know how, but I think I got lucky. Actually, I

 

—

know I got lucky. How could I, a certifiable loser as verified by my parents and numerous —other sources get the phone number of literally the most beautiful girl at UCI? What can she
possibly see in me? It can't be because of the size of my you-know-what because everyone
knows that Asian guys are small you-know-where. All jokes aside, can it be that Emilie
empathizes with me, sharing the same parental pressure of becoming a doctor, thus, forming
a common bond altogether?
Maybe I shouldn't ask so many questions and just be happy with my situation. And I
should be happy that things are really changing for me, for the better, much better than I can
ever hope for. I've let my parents control me all of my life and in turn, inducing my criticism of
Asian culture. It will be different now, since things are really looking up. I'm starting to feel
much better about my life. Perhaps it's not so bad to be Asian.