“ ”So how'd you do? Gabriel asks, anxiously waiting for my answer.
“ ”Uh... I drone sullenly.
“ ”Johnson, how'd you do? Gabriel repeats, again waiting for my answer. “ ”Uh... I drone again sullenly.
“ ”Here, drink this, Gabriel instructs, giving me a bottle of beer in order to comfort me. We're sitting here drinking at the bar in Gabriel's favorite restaurant, Che, named after
Che Guevara, an Argentine Marxist revolutionary leader, also a guerrilla warfare commander, aka terroristic mass murderer. I see so many people wearing Che shirts, like they're so cool, but they don't realize that Che murdered and promoted the execution of many innocent people, people who did not follow him. People need to read their history but in order to do so, they must first learn whatto read. Anyway, I'm too angry to talk about this since I just bombed the MCAT. It's surprising to me that Gabriel is taking things lightly, since he also bombed it. Sometimes, you just know even before finishing a test that you bombed the hell out of it.
“I'm going to need a lot more than just one beer, I fuss at Gabriel.”“ ”I'm way ahead of you, Gabriel shoots back, an urgent smile on his face. I just“ ordered six more.”
“I'm going to need a lot more than just six beers, I fuss again.”
“Look, drinking away your sorrows won't get you a high MCAT score, Gabriel” reasons, trying to make me feel better, even though he's failing.
I lift my head with a stern look in my eyes, as I point to Gabriel with my right index finger and say to him, "You're right."
“ ”I know I'm right. I'm always right, Gabriel arrogantly confesses. Well, except for the“
MCAT. I didn't get too many right on that.”
“What are we going to do? I ask Gabriel.”
“What can we do except take it again?”
“But we both studied our asses off. Well, at least I did. There's no way we're going to do well the second time. Plus we'll just lose face by taking it again.”
“Well, let's not worry just yet. I mean, we still have to wait about a month for the results, right? Who knows, we may be totally wrong. We might even get a 45T!”
“I know you're an optimist, Gabriel, but you're also an idiot. I'll be lucky to even get a 25J. I studied so hard...for nothing.”
“Look, not everyone's cut out for medical school. You can always go take the LSAT and get into law school.”
“You know how I hate court. You do, too, Mr. I-Spent-A-Week-In-OC-Jail. There's no way either of us are going to law school.”
“Then what other options do you suggest, Johnson?”
“Well, I would suggest engineering but it's too freaking late for that. Plus, my parents would literally kill me for taking the 3rdplace option. Your parents will kill you too, I remind” Gabriel.
“Then I guess we'll have no choice but to wait until we get our results, Gabriel” concludes, wanting to change the subject.
“Dude, listen. If we get below a 25, the repercussions are extremely serious. My parents are going to go ape shit and yours will too.”
“I know, Johnson. But don't worry about a thing; everything will be fine. And again, we have to wait until we get our results. So let's just chill out and relax. Gabriel's right; he's”
always right, except for the time that he told me that Jane Tanenbaum liked me in 4thgrade— lie; and the time that he told me that girls had a vagina anda penis, when we were in middle
—school lie; and the time that he told me that Stanford University will accept anyone as long —as they're Asian, to fulfill a minority quota lie. Now that I think about it, he's rarely right. He lies a lot. I just hope he's not lying about how everything will be fine once we get our MCAT“ ”
scores.
After about an hour and about a hundred beers in our stomachs, we both continue sitting there, sobering up and thinking about how we'll tell our parents the bad news. I like Gabriel's approach: lie. I think I'll do that because I can stall my parents until I decide whether or not to take the MCAT a second time. Then again, they'll ask for the results of the first one, which will be in about a month. I think I'll just tell them that I did fine, since that'll buy me some more time to come up with a better excuse, when they do indeed find out that I bombed it.
I arrive at my house late in the night. To my surprise, I don't see Mommy or Daddy not — even Jordan. I walk upstairs to the game room to watch TV and suddenly, I hear “ ”Congratulations! All three of them are standing there, next to a celebration cake on the circular game room table. I can't believe that they're doing this for me!
“ ”Dr. Johnson, my parents both say, patting me on the back, the most affection that I've “ ”ever received from them. So how the MCAT? Daddy asks first, Mommy coming in a close second.
“ ”I think I did well, I lie, rapidly chewing my gum in order to neutralize my beer breath.
“ ”You think or you know? Daddy asks, almost turning his smile into a scoff.
“What I mean is that I know I did well. I'm just saying 'I think' because I won't know the ”results for a month, I lie again, better than any politician on Capitol Hill.
“Okay. Remember, you need make us proud, Daddy exclaims, all my life reiterating”
that same proverb over and over again.
“
Yes, Daddy, I acquiesce.
“ ”So you do good on MCAT? Mommy asks, as if she hasn't been paying attention. “Mommy, I'm sure I did very well but I still have to wait a month for my score.” “That means your date of execution will be in a month, Jordan insults, like always.”
“Har, har. That means your date of ass-whooping will be in a month afterI get my
awesome test results, I counter back. ”
“ ”You two stop, Daddy demands, while pointing at me and not at Jordan. “ ” “Yes, Daddy, I acquiesce again. Please don't worry. I'll get into medical school just
“ ”It's not we want, Mommy interjects, because it about“ yourfuture. You must prepare
” your future. Like I haven't heard this before. My future? My future is suppose to be me as a writer, not doctor. They won't admit that it's their future, since I'm their future retirement fund. “ ”Yes, Mommy, I acquiesce to the other parental unit.
“You need to listen to your little sister and stop being a loser, Jordan adds officiously,”
butting in by throwing another insult. I stick out my tongue at her, like a spoiled, callow toddler. I start to raise my middle finger at her as well when Mommy tells me to come over and cut the celebration cake. Damn the cake looks good: tall and dense with fluffy white frosting all over, toasted almond flakes along the sides, an assortment of fruit at the top in cascading layers—
—sliced peaches, kiwis, strawberries and written in royal blue icing: Dr. Johnson, next to a“ ” cute, little toy stethoscope and head mirror. This cake sure as hell ain't organic!I cut the cake into several pieces, giving the biggest slices to Mommy and Daddy. I give Jordan the smallest, and she immediately grabs the knife to cut an even bigger slice for herself. I decide to eat a small slice, since I feel really bad about the whole thing. It's not like I
— lied to them actually, I did. I just don't want them to be angry with me. I look up to see the smile on Daddy's face and Mommy laughing out loud even Jordan's enjoying the occasion.—
I'm smiling as well, thinking to myself that this is the happiest moment in the history of my family. It's just too bad that it all comes from a lie well, half-lie (Yeah, yeah, I know: a lie is a—
lie.)
After I finish my small piece of cake, I excuse myself to my room, carefully thinking about what to say to Emilie. If she finds out that I bombed the MCAT, then she'll drop the bomb on me. I wonder how she did, probably a hell of a lot better than me. She called twice earlier, but I didn't pick up because I was drinking away my problems with Gabriel. Now I have to call her back or suffer the polemical wrath of a Korean girl.
“ Hey Emilie.”
“Hey Johnson. So how'd you do?”
“I think I did okay.”
“ ”You think or you know? What is it with everybody? I bombed, okay?! “Well, I won't know until a month from now. So how'd you do?”
“Not to toot my own horn but I know I aced it. There was not one question I had trouble
with. I really think I got the prestigious 45T! Emilie brags, clearly tooting her own horn. “Wow! That would be amazing! I've been told that only a handful of people have ever
achieved that.”
“Yeah I know. It would definitely be amazing if I got the 45 also. Oh, by the way, did you
get my messages? I called you twice earlier but you didn't pick up.”
“Oh yeah, I did. Sorry about that. Gabriel did really bad so I had to console him...at ”the...library, I lie once more.
“Poor Gabriel. I guess he goofed around too much.“
“Yeah, he should've studied as hard as me or else he wouldn't be in such a big mess,”
I say, going along with Emilie as if I did just as well as she did on the MCAT. “Or at least study just a little. Seriously, Johnson, if I was going out with Gabriel and I
found out that he did poorly on the MCAT, I would dump him. I don't like screw-ups. I can't”
believe what she just said! What a prude!
“How can you say that, Emilie?”
“What do you mean? Look, if he wants to be a screw-up, that's fine. I'm just saying I
wouldn't want to be with a screw-up.”
“Okay, so I guess everything for you is based on status, huh? You're such a typical
Asian.”
“ ”Excuse me, Johnson? Emilie asks, not believing what I just said.
“You heard me. I thought you were different, Emilie. I thought you were better than
that. I guess I was dead wrong.”
“Fuck you. How dare you talk to me like that?”
“How dare I? Did you even hear what you said? You sound like the typical Asian and
you know it. You want to know something else? I bombed the damn MCAT. I did miserably on
it. So since you wouldn't want to be with a screw-up, then that means you don't want to be ”with me. There's a long pause, longer than anything I've ever waited for.
“ ”No, Emilie mutters, finally saying something.
“No, what?”
“No, I don't want to be with a screw-up. So goodbye. I can't believe this. First I do”
miserably on the MCAT and now my girlfriend breaks up with me. Fuck the MCAT and fuck
her! I can't believe all this shit is happening to me. One day everything is great and the next
day, everything sucks ass. It sucks to be me! It's sucks to be alive! Today is the worst day in
the history of the world!