— My phone is ringing off the hook and not in a good way. I know it's Gabriel that keeps calling, since each call is exactly one minute apart. Apparently, he's using the auto-redial feature on his mobile phone. I just don't feel like talking to anyone. It's been three days since I took the MCAT and I still feel miserable. I just want to be alone right now, right here in my room. Being
— lonely is a blessing in disguise no one bothers you, no one asks you for any favors, and most importantly, no one criticizes you. That's how so many Asians truly are: lonely. They may have a lot of friends and live in a big family but deep down they are truly lonely because they have no one to share their problems with, no one to confide in, because they are too ashamed to talk to anyone about their personal issues, in order to save face. I know because I'm that way. I can't talk to anyone about how I truly feel, even with Gabriel. We both share the same problems yet we don't talk about how we truly feel, because both of us have been indoctrinated with saving face. I swear, Asians save face just to save their own asses!
“ ”What? I ask, finally picking up the phone.
“ ”Since when are you so rude, Gabriel snaps back, ready to fight.
“ ” “Since... I pause for a moment, look, I'm sorry. You're the one person that I shouldn't
be an asshole to. ”
“No problem. I know you're upset. To be honest, I am too. But there's no use in
worrying about the MCAT. What's done is done. We just have to keep our heads up. So let's
go out tonight. We'll go grab some dinner and go clubbing. A friend of mine is working the
door tonight.”
“I'm not in the mood.”
“Neither am I. But who cares? Let's just go out and have fun. Gabriel's right; he's”
definitely right.
“So is this a date? Because if it is, then I better get someat the end of the night, I”
joke, lifting up my own spirits.
“Sure, you'll get some. Some of your left hand or right hand. I'm not sure which one—
”you use regularly, Gabriel snickers, already lifting up both our spirits to normalcy. “I use both hands regularly on your mom.— ”
“You really need to get out because your comebacks are getting horrible.” “Give me a break, I've been trapped inside my stupid house for three days.” “So have I! But I'm still funny, unlike you, Johnson.”
“You're funny looking!”
“See what I mean? Horrible. I'm coming over. Gabriel hangs up the phone quickly,”
without the chance of me changing my mind. I really don't want to go out but I might as well. I —have no girlfriend, no future, no life all I have is Gabriel. I really am a loser. Gabriel comes over and heads straight into the kitchen, right for the refrigerator. He
grabs a loaf of organic rye bread, a red ripe tomato, some fresh green lettuce, a pack of
organic turkey deli meat and a jar of mayonnaise. He starts making himself a sandwich and all
this time he has only said one word: Hello.“ ”
“If your parents aren't feeding you, I can call CPS and have them arrested, I kid,”
watching him pig out on his sandwich.
“ ”You'll be doing me a favor, Gabriel laughs, his mouth still full of chewed-up food.
“Where are your parents?”
“They went up to Palo Alto to talk to Jordan's advisor about getting her into Stanford
Medical.”
“I thought Jordan's only a freshman.”
“I thought so, too. Apparently, that's not too young to start applying for medical school.” “You know what would piss off your parents? Gabriel asks, changing the subject. If I” “
started going out with Jordan. Actually, that would piss you off, too, so that's a double”whammy for me...wait...a triple-whammy! Gabriel exclaims, holding three fingers to signify
Daddy, Mommy, and me.
“You'll be doing me a favor. Go out with her so that she'll be miserable, because that
makes me happy.”
“Well, if that makes you happy, then forget it, Gabriel concludes, dropping the subject”
of hooking up with my little sister how disgusting!—
“Anyway, why are you eating? I thought that we're going to go grab dinner before we ”head out clubbing, I say to him, leaning over on the kitchen counter.
“Yeah. This is a snack. I'm a growing boy, Gabriel jokes.”
“Sure. Look, I'm going to go get ready so just hang around and do whatever. But don't
surf porn on the computer. My dad keeps complaining to me about all the lesbian and gay
porn pop-up ads and I have to keep telling him that it has to do with Microsoft's security
vulnerabilities and bugs.”
“First of all, a little porn never hurt nobody. Second, those gay porn pop-up ads belong
to you, not me.”
“Third, you used a double negative in a sentence. You have to say 'a little porn has
never hurt anybody ”', I correct Gabriel, looking at him as if he just failed a writing
assignment.
“Yeah, people love to be corrected, Johnson. Keep it up, I just love that you keep ”correcting me, Gabriel stresses sarcastically, still munching on his sandwich. “With my best Southern accent, I drawl, Well caution then. I won't learn you no more
since you don't like no grammar and all that fancy book learnin'. I am sick of Gabriel's”
shenanigan so I head upstairs to get ready. I'm just glad that I changed the password on the
computer before he arrived.
— —I decide to take my car I mean, my parents' since Gabriel will drive more recklessly than ever, knowing that a bad MCAT score means a life not worth living. I head straight onto interstate 5, going northbound, all the way up to LA.
“ ”You should let me drive, Gabriel insists, not giving up.
“ ”You should shut up, I say, my voice very steady.
“I will. Just tell me where you want to eat.”
“Anywhere, it really doesn't matter. As long as it's not Korean. I'm sick of Korean food
— and girls.”
“I told you to be careful with Korean girls. Gabriel's right.”
“And I told you that Emilie's hot.”
“She's not worth it. No girl is worth all that trouble.”
“I think every guy knows that. But guys just can't help it.”
“ ”Women... Gabriel murmurs, turning on the radio. We both hear The Stooges and
We both decide to go eat in Little Tokyo, the Japanese district of downtown LA, before heading to Club Mode in Hollywood, which is about twenty minutes northwest. Gabriel knows the best Japanese restaurants since he use to come here all the time not anymore because—
— he's sick of Asiatowns so I let him take command by choosing our place of dining. We walk past the Japanese Village Plaza towards a wide promenade full of restaurants. Gabriel points to the gourmet restaurant, Seppuku, which he claims serves the freshest sushi and sashimi in all of California, even though he's never been inside. There are several hostesses standing outside, all wearing silk furisode kimonos in various bright colors and wooden Geta sandals, with tightly braided hair in the style of geisha shimada. They greet us in Japanese and welcome us in. Gabriel reciprocates by speaking Japanese and they all start waving their hands, signaling that they don't understand. As we head inside, Gabriel turns to me and says,
“ with a surprised tone, Those lying motherfuckers. They're fake Japanese!” “Haha. What do you expect? You're dealing with Asians, for crying out loud. They'll just grab a bunch of immigrants, pay them crap and teach them a couple of Japanese phrases, just to provide the Japanese appeal for customers. It's always about the money.”
One of the hostesses leads us to the back of the restaurant, to a very dim room, with the only light illuminating from candles on each table. Before sitting down, we both notice a red rose with white filler flowers in a small, clear vase, in the middle of our table. The hostess giggles a little to herself and leaves the room before I can say: We're not gay!“ ”
”A little gay never hurt nobody! Gabriel laughs hysterically, getting me back for “correcting him earlier at my house. “She thinks we're
“ ”Oh yeah, Gabriel concedes. ”gay, not just me, I retort, with a look of reproach.
“ We bombed the MCAT and now people think we're gay. Our lives can't get any worse ”so who cares. Let's just eat. Before I sit down, I grab the vase with the rose, moving it over to the table behind us. I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea, not that there's anything wrong with that idea.
I let Gabriel order because he has a culinary eye for Japanese cuisine since he is — Japanese. As Gabriel peruses the menu, I look around the room to check out the other customers. I see a Spanish couple to my right, an Asian couple across from us and an African American couple behind them. We're in a room full of minorities. I hope this isn't intentional segregation by the restaurant. I find it interesting that minorities all have black hair: Spanish, Asian, African, Native American, even Jewish. I wonder if it's some ploy to relegate people with black hair.
Gabriel finishes ordering and tells me that this will be the best dinner that I'll ever have the pleasure of eating. I tell him that it could be the worst dinner that I'll ever have the displeasure of eating, as long as he's paying. I'm really not that picky, but Gabriel is a connoisseur of fine dining, like many native Japanese.
The hostess that presumes we're gay, brings in another couple into the room, a Caucasian couple this time, to seemingly fulfill the affirmative action quota. We're in a room“ full of couples, too. You know, Gabriel, we're the only two guys sitting together. This doesn't look good.”
“Quit being such a homophobe, Gabriel urges.”
“I'm not. I love the gays. I'm just saying this doesn't look good.”
“Have you noticed that none of the couples is wearing a ring? Look at their ring
” fingers, Gabriel directs observantly, with his habit of changing the subject.
“You're right. Well, we are in LA. No one gets married until...death.”
“I just think it's funny that everyone waits to get married in LA and everyone rushes to
get married up North. ”
“That's the same with the Bible Belt states. I know a guy in Texas that just got married,
even before he graduated from college, just because he felt pressured from his other married
friends.”
“Yeah, people just follow. They see their friends and family members getting married so
they get pressured into following. Just like everyone here not getting married, so they follow
each other not to get married, Gabriel assents.”
“Marriage is so overrated. And so antiquated. People think that getting married will
solve all their problems, that they'll live happily ever after, like in a fairy tale. Then why is the
divorce rate over 60% and more people seeking marriage counseling than ever before? Hell, I
know several people that are married and are completely miserable.”
“Because being miserable with someone is better than being miserable alone, Gabriel”
kids, laughing at his own joke.
“Well, we both know that marriage won't help them solve any real problems, even their
insecurities of succumbing to peer pressure. In fact, marriage just creates a myriad of new
problems.”
“People give in to marriage and settle with one another, particularly with Asians. Of
course, there are people that are truly happy being married, like Congressman Ron Paul and
his wife, Carol Paul. But for the most part, people just do it because they see other people
doing it, to maintain the status quo, Gabriel adds.”
“Yeah. Let's not talk about marriage. I get enough of that crap from my parents.” “Me too. Let's just talk about banging chics. I think we can both agree on that.” —Our waiter, also not Japanese even though he's wearing a traditional Jinbei male —kimono brings out a huge sushi boat, full of an assortment of delectable items: rows of
sashimi consisting of tuna, yellowtail, snapper, albacore, and mackerel; many pieces of sushi
including red salmon, sea urchin roe, and cuttlefish; small side dishes of seaweed, tofu, and —edamame green soybeans simply outstanding! The boat itself is actually a small replica of a
pirate ship, with all the main parts: sails, masts, a ship steering wheel, an anchor, even a — “white skull-and-bones black flag very impressive! This is just for starters, Gabriel says,”
smiling with glee.
After we sink the sushi boat with our ravenous appetite, the waiter comes out and
serves our entrées: for me, wagyu beef tartare with white alba truffle pieces in a light aioli
sauce dressing, plus, cilantro seasoning; for Gabriel, unagi with foie gras, covered in a rich,
savory kabayaki sauce, also with cilantro seasoning simply marvelous! Gabriel mentions—
that our dessert will be green tea sorbet, topped with vanilla ice cream and covered in anko —red bean mousse sauce unfurling waves of paroxysmal pleasure go through me, as I make
a drooling sound like Homer Simpson.
This is truly the best dinner that I've ever eaten in my entire life. I'll give it to Gabriel;
he's definitely an expert when it comes to fine dining. I just wish he's an expert when it comes
to the MCAT instead!
We leave the restaurant, full to our stomachs and full of elation, and head over to Club
Mode in Hollywood. Most people think of Hollywood as the movie capital of the world, where
actors and actresses flow like water from a fountain. That's true, for the most part, except
most people don't know that Hollywood has the most crazy people in the world no joke. I—
remember seeing a guy walking down Sunset Boulevard in a skiing outfit wearing actual skis—
on his feet! I remember another time seeing a little person dressed up as Yoda from Star
Wars, painted green all over, carrying the classic wooden cane and it was not Halloween.—
Hollywood is fucked up but it's also a lot of fun. That's why we're going there tonight. We arrive at Club Mode, in the heart of the Sunset Strip, and decide to skip the valet
because we're not a couple of prudes. And wouldn't you know it the line at the door is full of—
Asians. In fact, every single person is Asian and the vast majority are guys. Any girl that's
there seems to be with a guy already. I swear every time that I go clubbing, it's always a
sausage fest, aka swordfight, especially at a club full of Asians, with the average guy-girl ratio
being 100 to 1, very slight exaggeration, of course. I guess most of the Asian girls are locked
up at home by their parents. And I find it interesting that there's always an Asian Invasion“ ”
whenever I go clubbing. Asians like to show off their money and status and there's no place
better than at a club, where drinks at Club Mode are at least twenty dollars a shot. Plus, this
goes back to my whole theory on Asiatown, like Koreatown and Japantown. Asian people
congregate together because they are insecure and too afraid to be different, because of the
pressure to conform. They can't be unique so they have to share the same, common
archetypal culture, just like those Asiatowns. Why be a pauper fish in a big pond when you
can be a king fish in a small pond?
Gabriel and I head straight for the door, avoiding the long line of Asians. We get stone—cold stares similar to the one that I got from the old man with the CIA shirt as we get to the—
front of the entrance. Gabriel introduces me to his friend, James, the manager of Club Mode.
James tells us to go in and we are immediately swarmed by Asian people, as if we're
celebrities walking the red carpet. Even a little thing like being on the guest list is enough
status to attract attention from Asians. One Asian guy comes up to me and says that he'll buy
me drinks, if I let him come in with us. Another guy comes up and tells me that he'll get me a
table, which provides an ample selection of vodka and wine. I politely decline both offers and
as I walk in with Gabriel, two very beautiful and tall Asian girls grab the both of us by our —waists tadow! Both of them are wearing snug-tight camisole tops, ass-hugging flirt skirts and —stiletto pumps with straps oh please have mercy on me!
“ ”You're cute, one of the girls says to me. She's cuter.
“ ”Take us with you, the other girl insists, pulling Gabriel in. Whom are we to decline? All four of us walk in together. There's no better entrance for two guys than with two —gorgeous girls maybe three gorgeous girls, or four, or how about a hundred? Gabriel and I
introduce ourselves to Shirley and Janine, our newfound damsels of the night. I ask the three
of them what they would like to drink before I head over to the bar.
“ — ”A beer any kind, Gabriel requests.
“ ”A vodka tonic, Shirley requests.
“ ”A Perfect Pussy, Janine requests whoa!—
“ ”Excuse me? I ask Janine, making sure that I heard right, hoping that I heard right. “Perfect Pussy. It's my favorite drink.”
“ ”It's my favorite now, too, I happily announce. I'll be right back!“ ”
I order the drinks and bring them over. Shirley and Janine excuse themselves to go to
the bathroom. Gabriel and I tell them that we'll be waiting on the top level upstairs. “ ”So which one do you want? I ask Gabriel, hoping that he picks Shirley so that I can —get Janine and some of her favorite drink at the end of the night.
“ ”I want Janine, Gabriel answers briskly and adamantly, without hesitation. I knew he
was going to pick her!
“Damn it! Let me have her.”
“No.”
“I just broke up with Emilie and my parents are going to kill me for bombing the MCAT.” “I haven't gotten laid in a year and my parents are also going to kill me for bombing the
MCAT. I win.”
“Actually, we both lose.”
“ ”What? Gabriel asks, caught off guard by my statement.
“ ”Look below, I direct, pointing my finger at Shirley and Janine dancing with two other
guys.
“ ” “Bitches! Gabriel yells in disbelief. They played us like two cheap hookers.” “Actually, expensive hookers; those drinks alone were a hundred bucks.” “ ”Women... Gabriel laments.
“Bitches!”
We decide to drink a couple of more beers before we head down to the dance floor. Club Mode is actually rather spacious, with two levels and four bars, two at the bottom, two at the top. There's also a huge lounge area next to the dance floor and a lounge area here at the top. Most importantly, Club Mode provides a bountiful harvest of scantily clad Asian girls, wearing the sexiest and skimpiest outfits: lacy halter tops, strapless corset dresses, skinny satin pants, seductive swing skirts, and the most erotic of all, come-fuck-me shoes stunning— spike heel platforms, peeping-tom pleaser pumps, thigh-high leather boots, strappy stiletto
—sandals oh please have mercy on me!Gabriel taps me hard on my left shoulder and points to a go-go dancer up on stage near the mezzanine. She is definitely gorgeous, amplified by the fact that she's almost naked, wearing only a pink bikini bra and panty with white knee-high stripper boots.
“ ”I want to marry her, Gabriel maunders, the girl's ass-shaking dance spell hypnotizing him into a trance.
“You want to marry her? No, you don't. You want to fuck her. Let's get that straight. Would you really want to bring her home to meet your parents? Would you really want her to take care of your kids? How about taking her to church? So no you don't want to marry her. ”You want to fuck her, I exact, gladly correcting Gabriel yet again. I hate it when guys say that they want to marry a girl but in actuality, all they want is to do her.
“ ”I want to fuck her, Gabriel maunders, accepting my correction, the go-go dancer's ass-shaking spell still hypnotizing him into the same trance.
We decide to stop being wallflowers and go down to the dance floor. There's a sea of Asian girls dancing one-on-one, grinding against each other, their bodies inexorably chafing in heat, as if the friction itself will seemingly cause a fire to ignite oh please have mercy on me!—
Gabriel squeezes his way in and starts dancing with two girls, hoping to start a fire himself. I look around and see a voluptuous Vietnamese girl dancing by herself next to the stage. I walk “ ”up to her and say Hello. She stares me right in the eyes, then looks me down from head to toe and on the way up, she gives me a disapproving look and shouts, Hello my ass!“ ”
“I'm a doctor, I lie.”
“ ”Really? Oh sorry, what's up? she politely greets, changing her tone of voice.
“ ”I will be a doctor, I truthfully say. Actually that's a lie, too, since I'm sure that I bombed the MCAT.
She turns her back to me and proceeds to walk to the lounge area. Excuse me,“ ”princess! You midget hoe! I scream out, as she disappears into the crowd. See what I mean about Vietnamese girls? They are short, small and grow up not having anything so they put up a front to make people think that they're hot shit, like with so many Asian girls. And coincidentally, when you tell them you're a doctor or lawyer, they'll give you the time of day all of the sudden, letting down their defensive guard of insecurity. It's always about the money.
I rush over to Gabriel and push him out of the way so that I am sandwiched in between two lovely ladies in a delicious "dancewich." Gabriel laughs and starts dancing with one of them from behind. We both grind our way into oblivion oh what a night!—
Exhaustion overtakes us from dancing non-stop, so we head straight for the bar to get drinks. Gabriel orders several more beers and I start talking about how much I miss Emilie. He tells me to quit whining and bitching but I just can't help it. She dumped me because I did —poorly on my MCAT and I still don't know my score! That's probably the absolute worst —dump in history to get dumped for something that hasn't even happened yet. —After about eight beers no...twelve or maybe fourteen...I lost count I am completely— drunk and so is Gabriel. Gabriel maunders to me about how sober he is to drive. I tell him that I'm sober enough to kick his ass if he drives, so he decides to talk to James about crashing at his place, since he lives in Hollywood. Gabriel stumpers back, dangling a key and says that we can go straight over to James's place. That's good news. I'm sick of all these Asian girls— Asian prudes, I should say anyway.—
We leave Club Mode holding one another, with one arm across each others' shoulders, because we are inebriated beyond our normal functions. As we walk together, I overhear a girl “saying, Yeah, I'm going to fuck him. 'Cause he's rich. First of all, I hate it when girls say they”
are going to fuck a guy. They can't fuck a guy because they don't have something called a penis. The guy does the fucking and the girls get fucked. Girls always think that they control everything. Second, girls will fuck anything that's rich. Here's a joke, though I may be too drunk to articulate:
A very rich, old man walks up to the youngest, most beautiful college girl that he's ever seen and flat out asks, "Would you sleep with me for one million dollars?" She looks at him for a moment and answers, "Nothing after that? Just one night of sex with you for one million dollars? Hell yes I will!" The man then asks her, "Okay, how about for twenty dollars in the back room over there?" The girl is completely in shock. "I would never! What kind of a woman do you think that I am?" The man smirks and says, "Oh, we've already established what kind of woman you are. Now we're simply haggling over the price." It's always about the money.
Gabriel miraculously guides us all the way to James's apartment, right off of Sunset— and...crap, I can't make out the sign I'm too drunk! Luckily, Gabriel has a higher alcohol tolerance, so we reach the elevator to get up to the fifth floor, the floor of James's apartment. We both stagger down the hallway, and I finally notice that James's place is really nice and looks really expensive. I wonder whom he had to sleep with to get his apartment.
"Come on now!" Gabriel commands, holding my waist tightly with both of his arms to keep me from falling.
"'Come on now?' Why would you have to say 'now?' Is there ever a 'Come on later?' Just say 'Come on' because 'now' is implied, thus making it superfluous, so that in itself would be grammatically "—
"Johnson, you can 'Come on' and shut the fuck up ' now,' because we're here."
Two locks click and the door opens, as we rush in. Gabriel and I stumble over to the couch and pass out.
It's bright and early morning now, as I hold my head tightly because of an intense headache, probably due to the hangover that I'm suffering at this moment and most likely for the rest of the day. Gabriel's still asleep, not moving as I nudge him on the shoulder. During
— the night or really, really early morning, I should say I heard moaning and squealing noises—
coming from the bedroom, presumably because James was banging some chic lucky— bastard. I walk over to the kitchen and open the refrigerator door. As I look for bottled water, I hear the bedroom door open and someone walking to the kitchen. I look up to see the same voluptuous Vietnamese girl who blew me off at the club what a small world!—
I stare right into her eyes, then look her down from head to toe and on the way up, I “ ”give her a disapproving look and shout, Hello my ass! Payback's a bitch, bitch!