I've know Bob for over 20 years, back in the time he was known as Dirty Bob and not because he wasn't clean but because he was crazy and nasty. About a dozen years ago he met Carol and they moved in together, cleaned up their acts, got good jobs, had two kids and bought a house out in the east bay, in other words, became yuppies. I hadn't seen them for a few years due to Kelly and me constantly traveling but the next time we passed through the bay area we stopped in for a visit. I called Bob and he said to come on over. We did and when we walked in, instead of Carol and their two kids, there was a woman that we had never met and two more kids.
I asked Bob where’s Carol.
All he said was, "We're not together any more. I’m with Alice now." Then he asked how we were and where we had all been, effectively changing the subject.
We all had supper together then Bob said that he was the horn player in a jazz band and had gig tonight so he had to get ready. He told us to come over to the bar he was playing around 10 p.m. then we could party after.
After he was gone we got to know Alice. We sat around chatting and smoked grass. We asked her what had happened to Carol?
She said, "It's a long story."
We told her we had nothing better to do for the next couple hours so she said okay then started: "I used to be married to a guy named Ted. He and I were High Priest and Priestess of a New Age church that had about 30 full time members. Around two years ago, Bob and Carol started coming and soon after joined our church. After that we became real good friends, hanging out and doing things together a lot. One day Carol and I were in the kitchen and she saw some bruises on my arms and asked how I had gotten them. I told her that sometimes Ted like rough sex and gets a little wild, but that he didn't mean to hurt me."
"Carol looks at me and says, "Oh really!" Then she tells me that she wouldn't mind a little rough sex herself because Bob and her, due to their jobs and the kids, now only have sex a couple times a month and even then it's not very exciting.
I tell her that I really don't care for the rough part and would like a more gentle lover. We're quiet for a moment then she changes the subject."
"A year later I come home early from work and when I walk into our bedroom there's Ted and Carol fucking right on our bed. Carol jumps up and comes over to me. She asks if I want to join them, but I am too stunned to speak."
"Then Ted comes over and tells me that he and Carol have been having sex for the last 6 months and that he's actually glad that I caught them."
"I am so embarrassed and mad that I can’t even speak, and they're not even ashamed standing there naked talking to me."
"They tell me it's their plan, that after the holidays that Carol is going to get a lawyer and sue Bob for palimony taking him for everything's he worth. And that I can either join them or else Ted will divorce me and try to get every thing that we have. And if I tell Bob anything then they will get me real good."
"I don't know what to say or do, they just laugh then go back to the bed and start making out right in front of me saying, “Sure you won't join us?”
"After that Ted was always threatening me. I was so scared that I didn't say anything to Bob."
"Three weeks later, a week before Christmas, Carol tells her shrink of the plan and even records it, then accidentally leaves it on her dresser. Bob comes home, sees the tape and thinks it's one of his bands, so he plays it. After he hears it he's so mad that he leaves the house, goes straight over to see his lawyer and play the tape for him."
"His lawyer tells him to make sure that everything's in his name, to close out all of his bank accounts and to cancel all the credit cards before he confronts Carol. He does it the next day, then confronts Carol with the tape that night.
"She just laughs at him, telling him that he was a lousy lay and that she is going to screw him good."
"He orders her out of the house so she splits and comes over to our house and tells Ted what's happened. They then confront me, saying I now have to choose. I can either join them or get the hell out. Since there's no way I’d stay with them and having no other place to go, I come over here and ask Bob if I can stay here for a while until I can figure out just what I want to do. Bob being a real gentleman, says that I can. After a couple days we start sleeping together and have been together ever since."
"A few days later Carol comes over and is really pissed off about the closed bank accounts and canceled credit cards. She tells Bob that she's taking the kids and if he ever wants to see them again then he had better not fuck with her anymore. What she doesn't know is that this time it's Bob who's recording the conversation which he turns over to his, and now my, lawyer. Anyway, he lets her take the kids who after hearing Carol's tape now hate her and blame her for everything."
I break in saying, "Well, it was 100% her fault. What a bitch! Couldn't she have at least waited until after Christmas."
Alice looks at me, shrugs then continues, "Anyway, both her kids (a girl 10 and a boy 8) and my kids (two boys 6 and 8) are now sharing a bedroom at my old house. Our lawyer gets an order granting us visiting rights for our kids so Carol brings them all over for a visit. The kids tell us that all Ted and Carol do, is have sex all over the house, and that they even have it if front of them not even bothering to try and hide it. They tell us that Ted and Carol don't even close their bedroom and the bathroom door while their busy in there. The kids hate it there and ask us to get them out. Bob is really upset and has the kids tell their story to the tape recorder then tells them that Monday he will take the tape to the judge and get custody of them, and not to tell either Carol or Ted about it. The kids say all right."
"Bob takes the tape to our lawyer and the lawyer takes it to the judge. After the judge hears not only the kid’s tape but Carol’s shrink tape, he sets a hearing for a couple days later. We all got to court and the judge plays both tapes, then asks the kids to be brought in and asks them about living with Ted and Carol. After that he asks Ted and Carol if they have anything to say. They don't, so he gives Bob and me full custody of the kids, but still grants Ted and Carol visitation rights telling them that they had better behave themselves in front of the kids or he'll revoke it."
“After that things go pretty smoothly for us. With the tapes in our possession Ted and Carol do not contest the divorce. Bob gets full custody of his kids, gets to keep the house and doesn't have to pay Carol any alimony. I get full custody of my kids, Ted's and my old house which I am letting them live in, and Ted has to pay me both child support and alimony."
I ask if Carol has to pay Bob anything.
She says, "No, Bob told her that as long as she's good to the kids and doesn't bother him then he won't seek any since he makes plenty of money and doesn’t need it."
Wow! What a twisted tale.
I tell Alice, at least it had kind of a happy ending with the bad guys getting the shaft which is real unusual in California courts then I say, "And whatever happened to you guy’s church?”
Alice says, "Well, Bob and I quit, that's for sure, and so did about half the other people when they heard the story, but the rest are still going and they even have some new members. Carol is High Priestess now."
I say, "How could anyone still go after hearing how rotten their High Priest and Priestess are?”
Alice says, "I asked a few of them that, and they told me that they forgive Ted and Carol because they're only human and it has nothing to do with the message."
I say "Just like Jimmy Swaggert. Man, people are such fools."
Alice just shrugs and says, "Yeah, I guess." It's getting late so Alice says, "You guys want to go see Bob play?"
Kelly and I say, "Sure."
We have a really good time listening to Bob and the band get down.
Kelly and I stopped in on Bob and Alice a year later and I am happy to report that all is well between them, and that all the kids seem happy and well adjusted, they even enjoy visiting Ted and Carol who are also still together and running their church. Life is just too funny to believe sometimes, but it’s all we have and it is always interesting.