This is for all of you cry babies out there that I meet traveling who sing this tired song, "It's nice here, but I can't believe how touristy it is. It must have been really fine before "they" got here and ruined everything." Or worse "I hated it. I will never go back. There was nothing there but tourist."
Well my friends, you are the ones who "ruined" it. You are the tourist who demand and can pay for your western style comforts. Me? I love what tourism has done for the third world. I love the more modern convinces that tourism has brought. I love the privileges that are bestowed upon me as a tourist, but then maybe I am just getting old and soft. Maybe you are right, maybe it was better before you and your Lonely Planet guide showed up. So let us join Mr. Peabody and his boy Sherman in the way back machine and travel back to pre 1985. To the fairly untouristic third world before the Shoestring Guide appeared and see how good the good old days were...
First of all, you are going to have to learn some of the native language because once you leave the big cities almost no one is going to speak English. There is only one hitch, unless you're going to some where that speaks Spanish, German, Italian or French, there are no phrase books or even English/Foreign dictionaries, plus there are no guide books except maybe Fodors and unless you're planning to stay at only 5 star hotels, they're useless. So what to do?
Well, as soon as you get to the first major city you find a friendly native who speaks passable English. Ask him to have lunch with you then for the next couple hours ask him, "How do you count to 100?" "How do you say "How much?" "How many?" "Where is the... "“Please and thank you?" Write everything down in your little notebook until you have your very own phrase book, which you can add to as you go along. Of course, there will be regional variations and pronunciation may very but hopefully it will be good enough to get you by. Thank the guy and pay the bill.
Or maybe you want to go to an "English" speaking third world country. The only problem here is that your English and their English is not the same English. In fact, it will take you week or more before you will even be able to understand what they’re saying and then it will be like Spanish-Portuguese, close but still lots of room for lots of misunderstandings. Also, third world countries have totally different concepts of space and time than you do. Close to them might be 10 miles away while far away could be on the next block. Or you could ask someone if something is close by and they'll answer you "No, I think it's open now." so dust off your pantomime skills because you're going to need them and if you're the type that gets easily frustrated then just stay home. But you say, "No big deal. I can handle it." so let's go.
Okay. But unless you're going to Mexico (from the US) or North Africa (from Europe) there are no direct or even cheap flights. It's going to cost you a lot and take a long time to get there. Any flight there is today between you and your favored destination, double the flight time and triple the number of stopovers. Your ticket price won't cost much more than today’s price but remember 1975 dollars were worth a lot more than 1995 dollars, however it will be cheap once you get there, that I can guarantee you. It will be real cheap, but just remember the old adage, "You get what you pay for".
Unlike now days there are no overnight luxury coaches or superfast express trains, they are all locals. That 500 miles you have to go that would take 8 or 10 hours in the west is going to take you, if you're lucky and depending on what country your traveling in, anywhere from two to five days. Kelly and I once took a local mini bus from Lumbini, India to Pokhara, Nepal, a distance of around 100 miles. It took a mere 13 hours, and we were lucky because the bus had no brake downs or flat tires and there were no road washouts, all of which are very common occurrences. Also, once you get out of the cities the pavement ends and all the roads become a one lane so it'll be dirt, dust and danger all the way. Your bus is going to be very old and very uncomfortable. The interior will be to short to stand up in, the seats will be wooden planks some with backs and there will be absolutely no leg room. Seating will be 6 across, 3X3. If it gets really crowded there will be someone sitting on your lap. Since it is a local you'll also be riding with chickens, goats, dogs, pigs and calves on board, though they usually ride in back but it will be cheap!
"Well" you say, "If there's a train going there it has to be better." and it might be.
Of course, in the good old days all the trains were steam trains, romantic no? But steam trains burn coal and if the wind isn't blowing the right way then by the end of your journey you will be covered with soot from head to foot and your clothing will be full of holes from where the burning embers hit them. It might not even be faster, local trains can average only 15 mph. But even before boarding you have to buy your ticket which will involve at least three to four hours of standing in line. No tourist windows, no tourist offices and no tourist quotas. You'll get the very next available seat anywhere from three days to three weeks away but again, it will be very cheap, even cheaper than the bus. There have been plenty of times that we’ve ridden over 500 miles for as little as a dollar. Now all you have to do is to get on the train, which is easier said than done.
Busses run all the time so seating isn't too much of a problem once you get on, but trains run only once a day or even once a week. See all those folks standing on the platform with all that luggage? About half of them are waiting on the same train as you so sharpen your elbows. Your train is pulling in, quick rush the door if you want a seat for the next 24 to 72 hours and show no mercy. See that granny, give her a knee to the groin, the lady with the baby, a shot to the ribs. There's a guy whose taking the very seat that you've got your eye on. And it's the last empty one, step on his foot, shove him out of the way then slip into the seat, smile and say, "Sorry."
The seat will be a wooden slat bench but it's all yours. If you don't get a seat, don't worry you can always sit on the floor, on the luggage or on someone else lap, after all, they are going to do it to you so no harm no foul. It's your stop, now all you have to do is get off. Remember how you rushed the door to get on? Well, you are going to have to fight your way through that to get off. Good luck, hope you make it off, if not, don’t worry you can try again at the next stop. You made it except where you want to go is another 50 miles with no bus going there
No problem, just flag down a passing truck, hope your language skills are good enough to tell him where you're going, and that he's going your way. Negotiate a price then hop in front if there's room otherwise it's either in back or on top the load for you. Four or five hours later there you are unless it's an island you're going to. If it is then its stand on the dock until a fishing boat is going your way. Settle on a price and you are home free.
You are in that really bitchen place and if you're lucky there will be a hotel. In the day it will be quiet enough but at night it will double as a whorehouse so take a nice long nap. Plus, at night is when all the bugs come out and you'll want to be well rested for that action. Check out your room. A small square made out of either wood or concrete cinderblock with short rope beds covered with a rough cotton spread and maybe a rock hard pillow. Depending on where you are you may or may not have; a table, a fan, a light or a mosquito net. The bathroom, if there is one, will be outside.
If there isn't then just use any bush and hope that you won’t be the natives entertainment. For washing up there may be a bucket and hand pump or just a bucket on a long rope for the well. To take a bath you have to wrap a sarong around your body and wash out of that bucket as best you can. Forget about toilet paper, there won't be any and anyway, it's better to use soap and water.
Hungry? It's suppertime, no restaurant though. You eat what they eat; yak, water buffalo, chicken, dog, monkey, pig, goat, whatever. Plus it’s all either barely cooked or burned to a crisp and all served with rice and watch out for small rocks. I’ve broken more that one tooth while eating rice. If you're in veg country like trekking in Nepal, it's rice, dal and chilies with tea to drink for breakfast, lunch and dinner. No bottled purified water either, it's drink right out of the well, stream, river or lake but hopefully, you brought your halazon tablets so no problem.
Back to your room, let’s check out the ceiling. Chances are it's made of palm fronds, hope you have a mosquito net because there are all kinds of nasty creatures living up there, like snakes, scorpions, rats and the dreaded centipede. If one falls on you at night you will get stung and it's going to swell up and hurt like hell for days. If there is no hotel or bungalow then you are going to have to stay with the headman of the village and his family. Maybe he has a separate hut for you but if not, don't worry, you can sleep on his floor with him, his wife, his kids and some of his animals. Of course, there is no TV or radio so you get to be the center of attention. The whole village will simply sit around and stare at you. Got to go to the toilet? Hope you enjoy the audience. You're only saving factor will be that you don't speak the lingo so you won't be able to share in their delight and laughter at your expense.
Well, it's bedtime. Don't let the bed bugs bite because they will. It doesn't hurt when they do but you can feel them crawling all over your body sucking out your blood from below in competition with the mosquitoes who are buzzing in your ears also sucking out your blood from above. In the morning you'll look like you have the pox and will itch like crazy. Did you remember to bring the Caladyrl? Because if you scratch them bites open then you will get a Staph infection in them which is a motherfucker to clear up and until you do you'll have big open running sores that only get bigger and really really hurt if you even touch them.
Other things you can expect if you travel a lot in third world countries are: Scabies, which are mites under your skin that itch really bad and are almost impossible to get rid of. Also, there are lice, fleas, ringworm and intestinal worms. Maybe you’ll get giaridia or amoebic dysentery. You don't know the meaning of the verb "to shit" until you catch one of these. Then there's just plain old diarrhea, or constipation, gastritis, bronchitis along with a host of others. Most of which are easily cured IF you are near a chemist. Kelly and I have suffered from all of these and more many times, it's just part of your third world adventure.
And we consider ourselves lucky because there is some really bad shit out there: Real killers. There's AIDS, rabies, hepatitis, malaria, cholera, tetanus, typhus, yellow fever, dengue fervor, typhoid, plague, DEATH! Kelly caught typhoid once and it took her over six months of taking some really powerful antibiotics to get well. Besides these bad boys, there's other more exotic stuff, some of which are real bad like Tuberculosis. Some just plain painful like furniture bugs. In some countries everyone carries a newspaper but not to read. Instead you sit on them because if you forget to, then the furniture bugs will go through your pants and gently bite your butt and thighs. You won't feel a thing until you get up, then your butt’s on fire. The pain only lasts a few minutes but the itch will last you for days.
But again, your lucky. The locals catch much worse things like: Leprosy, where all your appendages simply rot then drop off. Or elephantiasis, where your limbs swell up to five times their usual size and get all scaly then you go insane and die. Or goiter, which is like having a grapefruit hanging off of your neck from lack of iodine. Or blindness caused by a simple lack of vitamin A or by birth. Or rickets, again a disease caused by lack of vitamin C. Then there’s something I don't know the name of that causes babies to be born with their knees backwards so the kid's leg’s bend the wrong way. They have to spend their whole live scooting around on their butts. Or pinheads who have some weird disease where a persons body grows regularly but where the head stays small. Then there are the regular cripples and amputees on skateboards or just crawling through the dirt. Or there's the ones born with birth defects who look like monkeys or space aliens. And let's not forget the true basket cases. People who have either lost both their arms and legs or simply weren’t born with them. Someone puts them out on the street each morning so the healthy can throw coins at them all day then picks them up at night. Lastly there's all the people who have minor lingering diseases who simply can't afford the medicine because they’re too poor so they just suffer with what ever it is.
The biggest killer in the third world in the good old days was simple dysentery, plain old diarrhea. Since everyone was sick and starving to one degree of another, if they got the shits for as little as three days they could die from it. So tell me all of you who hate tourism now days, how would you like to experience watching somebody suffer and die right before your very eyes because they were just too poor to afford the medicine? Now that what I call real entertainment!
Beggars are another thing that tourist always complain about. Hell, now days there are hardly any because the folks working in the tourist areas are all fairly well off. Less poverty equals less beggars, less disease, less birth defects, better medical treatment, better food and better hygiene. Back in the good old days there were thousands of beggars where ever you went and they would pester you, sometimes in large groups for blocks for just one stinking penny because that penny meant whether they and their family ate or not that day.
Are we having fun yet all of you whiners and complainers. How’s the glorious past sound to you now?
I am so happy to see the native population doing better these days. Most are now better dressed, better fed and are prospering because even though traveling was hard in the good old days seeing the poor people sick and hungry and wearing nothing but rags, especially the children, was a lot harder. Just think all you cry babies what you are spending on you're little vacation could feed, house and clothe an entire family for a year or more! So next time you're sitting in a restaurant eating a big meal, drinking your expensive beer or wine and some poor beggar asks you for a lousy penny. Instead of being annoyed and arrogantly shooing them away, smile, give them a coin and wish them good luck because except for an accident of birth. It just as easily could have been you!
But I won't lie to you either, it was extremely bitchen going to places that almost no other westerners had been to and seeing all of the beautiful and strange people in their native costume with their totally alien ways. It made all the hardships of travel well worth while, but to go back to it. Never! And anyway, those places still do exist. All you traveling tourist haters got to do is: First, throw that fucking guidebook away. Pick a spot on the globe that no ones goes to, one you have never even heard of. Then go there and walk off into the countryside because it is still all there waiting for you. All you have to do is have Faith and Go.