Kelly and I are driving up a pretty little river valley in the Sierra's on our way to one of our favorite free Forest Circus campgrounds. It's about 20 miles from the nearest town on a narrow winding but paved road. The river's big enough and warm enough to swim in and there are springs to get pure mountain water from, waterfalls you can hike to and even a warm soda spring to bathe in. When you sit in it, your body hairs trap all the little bubbles so it's just like bathing in warm Perrier. We got enough supplies for a week so we're set. As we're going up the road an ambulance then a fire truck pass us going the other way, then a CHP, some Sheriff cars and a bunch of Forest Circus Nazi's. Oh, oh, looks like big doings up ahead, hope it doesn't affect us.
We pull into the campground and sure enough there's still some Forest Circus trucks and a Sheriff's car. We see some folks that we know and have camped next to before so we pull into the space next to theirs. They're an older Christian couple who, after their own children grew up and moved away from home decided that they still wanted to have some kids in their lives so they adopted two Korean orphans to raise and call their own. The kids are great, they've had them since they were babies and the boys, now 6 and 7 years old are your typical American boys.
We hop out of the van and say, "Hi, how are you doing?" Then, "And what's with all the cops."
They tell us a tale that is truly weird and being Christian, I’m sure they left a lot of the gory details out but it's still one of the strangest tales that I've ever heard.
"There was a man down in the toilet!" they both say at once.
We say, “What?”
"He was down in the pit trying to kill himself." they say.
This is considered a primitive campground, no electric, no tap water and no sewer, which is why it's free. The shitter is a big cinderblock house with two doors, one marked ‘Men’, the other ‘Women’. The toilets are outhouse style with plastic seats. Everything falls into a common pit, which is pumped out by a "Lil” Stinker once a week. We pull up a chair and listen to this bit of strangeness.
The wife Bev says, "You go ahead and tell it Phil."
So Phil does, "When we were eating breakfast this morning we heard a woman screaming, so we went outside to see if someone need help. There is a woman standing outside the toilet yelling, "There's a man in the toilet!"
"We think that she probably just forgot to lock the door and some man walked in the wrong side by mistake and scared her. Some people go over to her and try to calm her down, but she keeps yelling, "Don't you understand, there's a man in the toilet!"
"A couple men go into the ladies side to look around but they come back out and say that there's nothing in there."
"The woman says, "Did you look down into the toilet? He's inside of there."
"By now the whole campground is standing around the woman and she's still insisting about what she's seen so some of the men go and get their flashlights then go back into the bathroom. Pretty soon we all hear someone cry out, "Go away! Leave me alone!"
"One of the men come out and says, "Sure enough, there’s a man down in the pit."
"At first no one wants to believe it. What would somebody be doing down in the pit? A lot of the folks go to get their flashlights and go in to see for themselves. Then we hear that poor soul crying, "Go away! Leave me alone! This is all I deserve, so please just go away!"
I ask them if they went to look.
Bev says, "No sir, and I kept the kids away from there too."
Phil continues, "Someone said that we should call the police and a guy says that he's already alerted React on his CB. Another says that we should leave the man alone or he may try to hurt himself. Most folks do so we all stand around waiting for the police to show up. Twenty minutes later the first of the Ranger’s come along and asks what's the problem. After we tell him he goes into the toilet to see for himself. He comes back out shaking his head saying, "Why would anyone want to be down in the SH-T." then tells everyone to stay out until he can get some help and figure out just what to do about it. Someone asks him about using the toilets. He tells them that there are a couple Port-A-Potties a quarter mile up the road and to use them or the bushes. Then he goes to his car and radios in.”
“About half an hour later there's every kind of policeman here, plus a fire truck and an ambulance. The Forest Service guys have removed the toilet and the police are trying to talk the man out of the pit, but the man just keeps crying at them to leave him alone and to just let him die down there because it's all that he deserves. The police tell him that's not going to happen so he might as well come out of there. The police and firemen standing around are all saying that there's no way that any of them are going to go down into that pit and bring him out and as far as they're concerned, he can die down there. The ambulance attendants are even saying that if he does come out, they do not want him in their ambulance so they are leaving. The police tell them to stay, they grumble but they do. After an hour or so the police have finally talked the man into coming out. They promise not to hurt him and that he'll go to the hospital, not to jail because as far as they know he hasn't broken any laws, but he does need to be checked out by a doctor."
"The man comes out and is dressed but he's covered in SH-T. You can smell him from a mile away so every one gives him plenty of room. The police tell him to go down to the river, take his clothes off and get in. They ask if anybody's got some spare clothes and some soap that they're willing to part with, and a bunch of people go and get some. When he gets to the river a ranger tells him to put his clothes into a big plastic bag, which he does. He seems to be all right now, at least he's not crying anymore and he does what the police tell him to do. After he washes up, he puts on the donated clothes. The police handcuff him and lead him over to the ambulance. He and a policeman get in back and leave. We asked a policeman just what's going to happen to him."
"He told us, "That one's going straight to the nut house." Then all the rest of the police and rangers leave except for a few who stay to take statements." Phil finishes.
Wow, what can we say except that it's unbelievable that anyone would actually try to drown themselves in shit. I asked Phil did anyone know why he did it and how long he was down there?
Phil says, "The police asked him when he came out why he did it. He said that he was down there for since yesterday and since his life was SH-T that he though he mise as well die in it."
Well, what can you say to that?