DEADBEAT DADS
Here's a few stories of some of the deadbeat dads I've know and I've know many of them hiding out in the desert. These tales are typical of how most of these dad's were treated by their ex's and how they feel about their children.
1) Paul who used to be a straight guy with a really good paying job in L.A. with a wife, two young kids, a girl and a boy, that he dearly loved and a home he bought will never hold another “real” job again. After ten years of marriage his wife told him she was bored with their sex life and wanted to try swinging. Paul told us he reluctantly agreed just to keep his wife happy. At first it was really exciting for the both of them meeting and fucking new people. But then his wife found a partner she like a lot and told Paul she only wanted to swap with this one other couple. Since Paul like the other guys wife he again agreed.
However, after a few months wifie announced she was divorcing Paul her swinger boyfriend was also divorcing his wife so they could be married. Paul was devastated. He wanted save their marriage and go to consulting. Wifie said no. She wanted him out of the house, now. So after a lot of arguing and crying he left and moved into a small apartment. Wifie and her dude both divorced their spouses with Paul's now ex-wife getting full custody of their kids plus alimony and child support.
Paul said after getting over the shock of the divorce at first it wasn't too bad. He had full visitation rights and used them to the fullest. But then one day ex-wifie tells Paul that her new hubby got a promotion at work and it involves them moving to Vancouver B.C. Canada, and she's taking the kids..Paul immediately went to court and got a restraining order against his ex from removing his kids from the L.A. area until a hearing could be heard before a judge. The order was duly presented to his ex and she just as duly ignored it and left with new hubby to Canada.
Paul was outraged! He went back to court and saw the judge who issued an arrest warrant for violating his restraining order. Paul also wanted to file kidnapping charges against his ex but was told since she had full custody he could swear out charges but no law enforcement agency would honor it. So Paul went back to his apartment and his job to restart his life. He also, quit paying both alimony and child support. His reasoning being since he could no longer be involved in his childrens lives why should he pay. Let the new hubby with his big promotion support his kidnapping ex and the kids.
A few months later Paul get a letter from the Canadian courts reminding him of his of his money commitments to his ex and kids or face charges. Paul goes back to court in L.A. asking what's this crap! His ex is not only violating the restraining order but is technically a kidnapper. The judge tells him that even though it's true he still has to pay or face jail time here because even though the Canadian authorities won't enforce his order and warrant the American authorities will enforce Canada's request. Since the divorce decree was made in L.A. Paul is still bound by it even if his ex is a criminal. Paul is outraged once more and vows never to pay his ex another penny!
Paul quit his job, sold all his stuff that didn't fit in his car, moved out of his apartment and is now one of the many deadbeat dads living out in the desert. How does Paul feel about it?
Paul says, “Ya know, I'd much rather be a working guy paying the alimony and child support and be a part of my kids lives. It really hurts me never to see them and know they're being raised by another guy. But I sure as hell ain't payin' that kidnapping bitch a penny if I can't see my kids.”
Paul never saw his kids again until they were 18 and wanted to re-connect with him. They found him and are in contact with him.
2) Dwayne was a logger in his a native Alaskan. When Alaska had a lottery for all it's native born for homestead sites Dwayne really lucked out. He drew 160 acres right on the beach about 10 miles out of his town. All he had to do was built a house on it and live there and the land would be his for free. For the next 5 years Dwayne when he wasn't logging built his house and cleared the land around it. Fulling his obligation t the state the land became his. After that all he had to do was pay his yearly land tax to keep it.
A couple years after that he met, fell in love with and married a woman lawyer who happened to work in the Districts Attorney's Office.. He told us he was really surprised that a woman like her would actually go for a guy like him but she told him she like the real he-man types. They moved into Dwayne house and for the first few years of their marriage they got along fine.
Then a happy event, she got pregnant. She worked until she 7 months preggers then took a years leave of absence so she could have then raise their child for at least the first six months of it's life then she would go back to work. They had a baby girl and all were very happy.
After her leave of absence wifie went back to work not because she had to, Dwayne made plenty of money to support the three of them, but because she loved her work. Dwayne supported her decision even though he said he'd rather have had her stay home a little while longer to take care of their daughter. So they found a nanny and off to work wifie went. However, once his wife went back to work everything change between them.
She was always tired, she was always bitchy, the baby took so much of her home time that she no longer wanted or would have sex. Dwayne said he helped out as much as possible and the nanny did most of the work relating to the care of their baby girl during the day so he couldn't see what she was complaining about. Soon they were arguing especially about the no sex. Then it escalated into verbal fighting, name calling and screaming at each other. They tried consoling but when the consular told Dwayne that he'd just have to wait until wifie felt like having sex that he couldn't force her to. When they got home Dwayne told wifie that it was either start having sex again or get a divorce. Wifie picked divorce.
So they go a divorce with the wife getting full custody of their daughter plus child support. Dwayne got full visitation rights and didn't have to pay alimony because his now ex made way more money than him. However, wifie wanted the house and land but the judge told her that since he had the house before they were married and hadn't put it in both their names the house and land was Dwayne's. Dwayne said when wifie heard that she had a shit fit but what could she do.
So for the next year or so thing went fairly smoothly. His ex moved into a big apartment in town and was even quite civil to him when he came to pick up his daughter. Dwayne made sure to send his ex the child support payment every month. He told us the only funny part was his ex wanted the support payment sent to her office instead of her home. Dwayne thought the checks was probably easier to cash from work.
One day there’s a knock on Dwayne's door. It a process server telling him he has to be in court in a week to explain to a judge why he hasn't been paying any of the ordered support payments. He tells the guy he has but the dude tells him to tell it to the judge because it ain't his job to listen to excuses.
Dwayne goes to court. In there are his ex and another lawyer. The judge asks his ex about what's happened. The ex's lawyer tells the judge that ever since the divorce ex wifie hasn't received even one support payment from Dwayne. The judge reads a bunch of legal papers the ex's lawyer has given him then turns to Dwayne to explain himself.
Dwayne assure the judge he's made every single one and on time too. The judge ask for proof. Dwayne show him his check register. The judge says they are self serving therefore useless. Can Dwayne produce any canceled checks or bank statements showing these checks were cashed.. Dwayne don't have any of those with him. The judge tells him to bring them in tomorrow then adjourn until then.
Dwayne goes home to look for proof. When he does find his old bank statement he finds none of the checks he sent were cashed! He has absolutely no proof he ever sent the checks. He knows he is royally screwed.
Next day the judge ask him for his proof. He has none but tries to explain that he really did send them and how he didn't notice they weren't being cashed because he never looks at his bank statements. He just figured they were right.
The judge very sternly tells Dwayne that he doesn't believe him. And he's not going to listen to such a lame excuse so he's taking a recess to figure out just how to meet of justice. An hour later they are all back in court. The judge tell Dwayne that with the missed payments plus interest Dwayne owes his ex some mighty big bucks. Does Dwayne have access to such a sum?
Dwayne says, 'no'.
Can he borrow these funds?
Dwayne says 'no'.
The judge asks if Dwayne would like to go to jail instead of paying even though when he go out he'd owe his ex even more money.
Dwayne says,' no'.
Here the ex's lawyer jumps up and says to the judge that perhaps a settlement of some kind could be worked out. The judge say let's hear it.
The lawyer say his client would be willing to drop all charges against Dwayne if he would sign over his house and land to her plus relinquish all visitation rights to see his daughter.
The judge says that sound fair and what does Dwayne think about it.
Dwayne is outraged! He see's the whole plot now. All this legal bullshit was just to steal his house and land from him. He tells the judge about his ex wife wanting the house and land during the divorce and how mad she was when she didn't get it.
The judge stops him telling him even if it was true he has no proof. Dwayne’s choice is either pay up now. Or go to jail where he would lose the house anyway and when he got out owe the ex even more and if he didn't pay again could be put back into jail again. Or, give up his house and land.
Dwayne want to know about his visitation rights.
The judge tells him if he makes restitution and then continues to make his child support payments on time, this time to the court, then maybe he can start seeing his daughter again.
Dwayne knows he's beaten and beaten bad. He agrees to everything telling the judge he'll need a few days to get everything ready. The judge says that's fine and set a date a week hence for Dwayne to sign over his place to the ex.
Dwayne goes home and gets stinking drunk. Next day after he sobers up he thinks about what he can do. Anything he does though he is still rat fucked to the max for he will lose everything he has so he gets drunk again. After another day of this he comes up with his own plan.
He packed everything that he owns that will fit into his pick up then goes through the entire house breaking every that can be broken. He gets out his chainsaw and has a go at the wall, floors and ceilings. Lastly he douses the whole with gasoline, starts his truck then tosses a book of lit matches into the house. He said it immediately became a raging inferno. The he jumped in his truck and got the hell out of there before the cops and firefighters got there. He made it to the highway turned south and even though he was crying like a baby over all he had lost, never once looked back.
Dwayne now lives around in the desert in a shorty school bus. When he tells this story he says Dwayne's not his real name and he won't say where in Alaska this took place since there are numerous arrest warrants out for his capture. Plus, he don't stay in one place too long, just in case.
He always ends the story with, “Ya know, I'm really sorry about what I done. Burning down the house was just stupid because now I'll never see my daughter again and that is by far is the worst part.
3) Kelvin and Alicia a couple in their mid 30's lived a happy life together for 12 years in un-wedded bliss and had agreed not only was getting married a waste of energy but not to have any kids either since life was so great just as it was. They both had good jobs so they had plenty of money to indulge in anything their hearts desired. A big expensive apartment filled with neat stuff, a high end car each and an exotic vacation every year.
One day, according to Kevin who now lived in the desert in his van, told us that Alicia asked what he thought about having a baby?
He asked her why.
She said they were getting older and she'd just like to have one.
Kelvin told her why mess up a good thing.
For the next year Alicia would ask Kelvin every so often if he'd changed his mind about having a baby yet?
Kelvin said his answer was always the same, no, he did not want any kids.
They even discussed splitting up so Alicia could have a baby and Kelvin could go on with his life. But they loved each other so the year passed with this issue between them unresolved.
Kelvin came home one day and saw Alicia sitting on the sofa looking very happy. He went up to her, sat next to her, kissed he then asked her what was up?
Alicia smiled at him and told him that she was pregnant and they were having a baby in about seven months.
Kelvin said he felt very mixed emothions. On one hand he was happy because he saw how happy this was making the woman he loved. But on the other he was kind of angry because the last conversation he remembered having with Alicia about this subject was they weren't having any babies. So he asked her how this could have happened? Was she still on the pill.
Alicia smiled at him telling him well maybe she might have forgot to take one every now and then but she certainly hadn't planned this. It must be a miracle.
Kelvin smiled back but he said he was thinking, 'yeah right.' and knew there was no use bringing up the subject of getting an abortion. So he accepted it because he loved her and wanted her to be happy. Maybe things would change that much. Boy was he wrong.
Alicia had been raised a strict Catholic who had been the disgrace of her family for living “in sin” for the last 13 years and had never mentioned religion ever since she an Kelvin had moved in together. She called her parents with the good news.
They told her if she wasn't married before the baby was born then not only would she ex-communicated but the kid would be a bastard. They begged her to get married and come back to the church.
She then brought that subject up to Kelvin who as he told us was totally against it. Not only had she gotten preggers without his consent but now she wanted to go all religious, no way. After a huge argument where he said he'd leave rather than start going to church. Alicia seemed to give in.
However, “the discussion” because more and more frequent. Finally a compromise was reached between them. He would marry her in a Catholic church but he would never go again himself. Plus Alicia could not take kid to church until it was old enough to make up his own mind about religion.
Alicia reluctantly, agreed and peace reigned again in there home. And a few weeks later they got married in a Catholic church with all the trimmings.
The baby was born, a little girl they name Sofia. Kelvin said at this time he really was happy. He couldn't believe all the joy he felt holding his child. He said he even thanked Alicia for having this beautiful baby. Things were wonderful for about 6 months then everything changed.
Alicia who been on P.G. leave from work was suppose to return after the 6 months or lose her job, but Alicia didn't went to go back to work. She wanted to stay home with her baby and that's what she told Kelvin. Kelvin told her that would be okay with him but they would have to make some major changes in their lifestyle. With only his income coming they'd have to not only move to a smaller, cheaper apartment but get ride of a lot of their toys and maybe even lose one of the cars. Alicia was not happy with this info. But Kelvin told her with only one income it was the only way. If she wanted to maintain this life style then she had to go back to work. After some discussion Alicia decided she rather stay with little Sofia and live a simpler life than miss out on being a full time mother. So again even after the downsizing thing were pretty good, for a while.
It started slowly at first, why couldn't Kelvin get a better higher paying job? Or maybe even a second job so they could live a nicer life?
Kelvin told her he liked his job plus if he quit he'd lose all his benefits and pension. Also, a second job was out of the question because then when would he see Sofia.
But Alicia kept at him. She argued with him more and more frequently, telling him he really didn't love her or Sofia, calling him lazy, a bum, worthless as a husband and father.
Kelvin kept telling her to go get a job if the material things mattered so much to her.
Alicia told him he's the man, he's the provider so provide!
After months of this constant battle they tried consulting. Kelvin said the consular was sympathetic to Alicia but basically to either be satisfied with what she had or to get a job. Alicia did not want to hear that so the fighting and arguing continued.
One day when Kelvin came home from work he saw his suitcases and a bunch of boxes on his front porch. When he tried his key it wouldn't open the door. He knock on the door and rang the doorbell and finally Alicia came to the other side of the door. Through the door she told him she was divorcing him and to get his stuff off her porch of she'd call the cops. Kelvin told her to go ahead.
The cops were called. They listened to the torrid tale then told Alicia to open the door because she had no right to lock her husband out. They had to tell her a couple times before she complied. After Kelvin got inside and the cops left Alicia raged at him. She wanted him out, now! He stayed the night on the couch but it was apparent to him he couldn't stay. So he packed up his stuff and moved into a really cheap place.
The divorce was not amicable. In the end Alicia got all the household stuff, the car and of course, alimony, child support and full custody of Sofia with Kelvin getting full visitation rights. But right away Alicia started making up excuses as to why Kelvin couldn't have Sofia on his days. She was sick, she was invited to a birthday party, she was visiting grandma, etc. etc etc........ Until Kelvin was lucky to get her even once a month instead of every other weekend. Plus Alicia threatened him, if he was one minute late then she was calling the cops.
Kelvin went to court and the judge ordered Alicia to keep to the agreement. But she didn't. So he went to court again. However this time the judge told him that unless he could prove either Alicia was deliberately with holding Sofia from him or was an unfit mother there was really nothing he could do. She was the mother and she had full custody.
After another year of this with things getting uglier and uglier between them Kelvin decided to call it quits. So like so many dads before him one day he quit his job, sold his stuff got in his car and left his ex wife and child in the wind. He told us he saw no other way, Alicia wouldn't abide by the custody terms, the court wouldn't do anything to her for not obeying and worst of all, it hurt him so much to have Sofia see mommy and daddy fighting for her right in front of her. Plus he was sure Alicia was telling Sofia all kinds of terrible things about him because with each visit Sofia became less and less friendly towards him.
However, like Paul in the first story he too says, “Ya know, I'd much rather be a working guy paying the alimony and child support and be a part of my kids lives then livin' out here alone. It really hurts me never to see Sofia again.” But maybe, Kelvin, just maybe like Paul, Sofia will come into your life again after she turns 18.
Of all the deadbeat dad stories I've been told this last one is by far and away the most typical. I'd say the great majority of men who run out on their familial financial responsibilities are because the ex makes it almost impossible for them to see their their children without involving a major hassle which the kids as witness. Since there's nothing they can do to remedy the situation because the cops, then lawyers, and the courts will do absolutely nothing to help the fathers, they find it just easier to disappear. In fact, that was one of the reasons I became a deadbeat dad. And yes, I did see my daughter again and now we are friends.
Also, the reason there are only deadbeat dads is even now in the late 20th century women still 85% of the time gain full custody of the children in a divorce even though every recent study ever done show that it doesn't matter which single parent raises a child over 2 years old. Single dads do as well as single moms. While most crimes are committed by men, when it comes to both physical and mental child abuse studies show men and women are just about equal. In fact it's one of the very few crimes that women are as good(?) at as men are.
Finally the reason there are no deadbeat moms is; the few mothers who lose custody of their kids in a divorce, and they have to be found pretty much incompetent to do so, are never ordered to pay child support. I personally know of at least six fathers who have full custody of their children and not one of them collect a penny of either child support or alimony even though in one of those cases the mom makes more money than the dad. Therefore you will never hear any stories about deadbeat moms.
Now a tale of a loving mature couple who handled their separation with wisdom, dignity and grace.
Erick and Abigail with their son and daughter have been coming out to the hot pools for years. They're hippie snowbirds. In the summer they live on some land they rent up in Washington making and selling crafts at different crafts fairs in the pacific northwest. Erick does leather work and Abigail makes pottery. They also grow a little herb which they sell in the winter to us hot poolers to supplement their meager income. I say meager because year round they live in a school bus that they fixed up into a pretty nice home. They and their kids seem to be just your regular happy hippie family.
One fall Erick shows up in the bus but he's alone so of course we all want to know where are Abigail and the kids. “Well,” Erick says, “Abbie told me this summer we needed a break from each other this winter. Because she says she was tired of livin' in the bus, so she rented a little place up there for her and the kids to spend the next few months in. But I'll be goin' back early this year to see what's the what.”
Oh well, these thing happen to couples who are always together so probably no biggie because most do get back together. By the way, how was your pot season this year? He tell us it was good as usual. Well then let's all fire on up just to test it. And, ahhh...... it was good.
Erick only stays until lat January then splits for the cold white north.
In March we see a van coming down the road. It parks by the pool and out hops Abigail and now she's alone. Now we all want to know the haps with their family.
After all the 'Hi's' and “How ya doin's' we as her for the latest update. Abigail tells us, “I'm sorry to say it but it's over between Erick and me.”
We want to know why.
“Well,” Abigail continues, “I just couldn't take Erick's cheap penny pinching way any more. I know you guys don't know this about him but man, is he a tightwad. In the summer we couldn't have an an air con , it was fans only. We have a hot water heater in the bus but we couldn't turn it on so it we had to use cold water for everything because Erick didn't want to pay an electric bill. It was lucky we spent the winter here since it's fairly warm but even on the coldest days we could only use the stove for cooking never heating because Erick didn't want to waste wood. What we couldn't barter for and had to buy it was always either used or the cheapest they had. Erick's really a good guy and a great dad but I just couldn't take it his cheapness any more so we're no longer a couple.
When we asked about the kids she said, “Since we're not legally married there's no hassle in the break up. We decided to share the responsibility and raising of the children. I'll have them from August to the end January and Erick will take them from February to end of August. That way they can stay in the same school with all their friends.”
School! We all thought they were home schooled like almost all the hippie kids were.
Abigail smiles and says, “ Well they were, but now that they're older they want to go see what it's like to to to a real school like regular kids. So this works out good for them too.”
Being nosy we ask about the money situation and Abigail answers, “That one was easy. When I have the kids then I take care of them and all their needs and when Erick has them then he does. Except for the grass which we'll split, we make about the same amount of money on our crafts so no problem. And if one of us has a problem then we'll just ask the other of a little extra.”
We all congratulate her and Erick for being so reasonable and sensible in dealing with a difficult situation but Abigail just waves it off with, “We still love each other and both of us want what's best for our kids so this just seemed like the best solution. Even the kids, after they got over the shock of us breaking up, now like it because they still have both parents who they love taking care of them, get to have a stable home and they can even try to play me and Erick to get what they want.” she laughs adding, “But me and Erick have already discussed that so they can try but it ain't gonna happen.”
I am happy to report that it's now been four years since Abigail and Erick broke up. We still see them each separately for a month or so each winter and according to each of them everything is going really good for the whole family. They are each getting along with their lives and their kids are still happy to be going to school and having friends their own age. They still have the same six month on/off with their kids deal and money set up. About the only complaint we've heard is, Erick even though he has a new girlfriend still misses being with Abigail. And that sad to say, no one or nothing can help him with that except maybe time.
Of all the divorces I've ever heard of, and I've heard of hundreds, this is the only one that has made sense to me. Even when the split couple remain 'friends' there's always some tension due to who has the main custody (the power) of the children and there's always, and I mean always, money issues. It's either he's not paying on time/enough and/or she's not spending it all on the kids. It's really both so sad and too bad every divorce can't be handled as well and as fairly as Abigail's and Erick's not only for the adults but for the children as well.