THE HEART OF ALL MATTER
Kerry had asked if she could go hitch hiking with me. Being a hippie chick she had hitch hiked a fair bit but always with a destination in mind so she wanted to see what it was like just to go and to see where she would end up. I had been following my Fate for a solid two years now with my only full time companion the I Ching. And I’ve had generally had a good time although I was extremely poor (in 1973 I kept track of all of my earnings including food stamps. It came to a grand total of $552.00 with Sept. being the lowest month when I lived on just $27 for the whole month). Sometimes I’d meet other hitchhikers and we'd hook up together for a short time but this was the first time that anyone I knew well had asked to go along. Most of my friends thought I was crazy, stupid or just plain weird. They all just wanted to stay in the City and Party! Some had even told me that they did not want me around anymore until I "got my shit together" so when Kerry asked, I said it would be a pleasure.
To start we simply flipped a coin, north or south, south it was. We walked to an on ramp, stood and waved at the passing cars (I didn't stick out my thumb anymore). By the end of the first day we were sleeping on the beach in Pismo. The next day we ended up in San Diego where we slept at my parent’s house. The next night we were in Borrego Springs, the next, Palm Springs where we were stuck on the freeway for three hours and didn't get a ride until Kerry started hitching topless then we got a lift in five minutes. The following night we were just north of Flagstaff, gateway to The Grand Canyon, one of my very favorite places on earth. That night as we went to sleep in the pine forest that surrounds Flag, I told Kerry that tomorrow would be really bitchen. Little did I know or expect that it would be the hinge of my entire life and that nothing would ever be the same for me again.
We woke up and it was a beautiful morning. I did yoga and meditation then spoke with my friend and advisor, the I Ching. It told me about dissolution, which I understood immediately to mean that I should take a light dose of acid, just a nurdle to set up the day. I didn't bother telling Kerry, it was no big deal. We packed up and started walking toward the Canyon. There was some traffic but no one stopped. We came to the Flagstaff Museum and I said to Kerry that we should check it out as it was still early and we had all day to get to the Canyon. I figured we would spend the night on the rim then hike down into it the following day. I had done it before and it was a motherfucker of a hike with the going down as bad as the coming back up but it was so incredibly awesome that it was well worth the effort.
As soon as we walked into the Museum I felt the acid kick in. They had just opened so there was no body inside except for the receptionist, a young woman with extremely garish make up on. She had so much on and in such bright colors that it looked like a mask but she was pleasant to us and bid us welcome. We spent an hour inside looking at the exhibits. The ones that impressed me most were: The Amanita Muscaria display. A diorama depicting the original inhabitants of the area that described them as a nomadic people who lived off of the land then disappeared leaving almost no trace of their passing, which sounded like the kind of life that I wanted to live. A room full of crayon drawing’s done by Indian children from a local elementary school. And the petrified skeleton of some huge armadillo type creature.
When I saw the skeleton I was immediately drawn to it. I saw a small hole in the middle of its forehead and knew that was where all the nerves went through the face into the brain. I knew that was the center of where all its consciencesness was concentrated so I put my forehead right against that pinhole and was instantly electrified. For a split second in eternity I became that animal digging in the ground looking for food four million years ago. Kerry who was standing right next to me said, "Wow! What just happened? I just got a big flash of energy off you."
I told her, then said that we should leave now. I had to get into the trees and digest this experience.
We said good bye to the receptionist who seemed glad to see us go even though we had caused no trouble and had been the only ones in there the entire time. We walked up the road until I saw a field with a large pine grove in it then told Kerry that this was the place.
We went into the trees and I told to Kerry that I had to be alone of a few moments to meditate. However, instead of assuming the lotus position as I usually would, I lay down on my stomach stretched out on the grass with my forehead pressed against a black rock that was jutting up out of the ground. As soon as I closed my eyes and stopped my thoughts, my forehead opened up and I went through the hole down into the blackness. There was no light but I could still see, and what I saw was The Black God whose material form in the west anyway, is the Minotar. He stood there all black in the blackness. His stylized bull’s head sitting atop His perfectly muscled mans body.
He said to me, "Congratulations! You have made it through the maze. Welcome to The Heart of All Matter!"
I was amazed and said, "Thank you, but why am I here?"
He replied, "Why, to receive your prize of course. Here it is, take it." He held out both His hands in a cup shape. I put out my hands in the same position and He placed The Power into them and said, "You can now do or be anything you wish. Again, congratulations! Not many make it this far."
I looked into my hands at the Power gloriously glowing, twisting and turning in on itself in constant motion and I was dazzled by it, but I also knew that I could not control it. Well, maybe at first but sooner or later it would eat me alive and I thought 'absolute power corrupts absolutely' so I handed I back the Minotar and said, "Thanx for the honor, but I don't need it. You keep it."
The Minotar grinned and asked me, "Are you sure?"
When I said that I was, He took The Power back and said, "Thank you. Since our business is now finished you may return to your world." and in a flash I was back laying on my stomach with my forehead against that black rock in the pine forest.
I sat up and felt really great but also a bit empty and disappointed. I had really wanted that Power and now it was gone for good. When I went and told Kerry what had happened she said, "Well, you made I through the maze once, so why can't you do it again? Let's smoke a joint because I am getting a real good contact high off you and that should really improve it."
As we smoked that number I thought 'yeah, I know the steps now so when I become strong enough, and perfect enough, I can go back to The Heart Of All Matter and get that Power back from The Minotar'. After we finished the doobie I held the roach up in the air and said, "This roach is a symbol of my life, which I pledge to make perfect or die trying. I will not smoke marijuana again until I accomplish this goal." Then I picked up a rock and put the roach under it and said, "So be it!" I felt wonderful, my life now had a purpose, a point.
Kerry shook her head and said, “I don't know if you should've done that Tai."
But I said, "You gotta give up something you love in order to get something you want." I told her that it was time to go. We shouldered our packs and walked away, but the farther I walked away from that spot the weirder things got.
The world started breaking apart, a strong wind blowing against me came up and there was laughter in the air all around me. I suddenly knew that unless I got that roach back that I would die. That roach really was my Life! I looked back towards that spot but the entire scene had shifted and changed. It was now a field of exactly the same size and shape black rocks, and I saw myself as a crazy old man muttering to himself, "no, not this one" as I turned over another rock. I knew that I was forever lost. Soon as I realized this, the Minotar laughing came in on the wind hitting me full in the chest and knocking me backwards through the air about 10 feet, roaring as He passed over me.
Kerry ran up to me, looked down at me, and said, "Jesus Christ Tai! What the Fuck in going on!"
I looked up at her and told her in a voice that was no longer my own, to get away from me as quickly as possible, that I was entering another, more powerful world that she could never understand, a world of Chaos and Death and Destruction. A world in which I would soon be crushed like an insect. It would then split open and swallowed me whole. I was beyond thought and beyond time, there was nothing but the wind roaring through me. I jumped up and started running down the road away from Kerry.
She called to me "TY!"
I turned around and shouted back to her, "GO NOW! For the next time you see me I Will Be DEAD!" Then I turned and ran back into that field to await my Death.
The world was fragmenting at a tremendous rate, braking down into it's most basic components. The wind was a fierce blowing gale against me. Everything was becoming pure energy that would soon annihilate me. I could see through the sky into the blackness of space and down into the earth itself, all the way down into The Heart Of All Matter where there was nothing but The Power. I barely made it back to the pine trees before the universe exploded, leaving me to await my Fate, my Death.
How long I was there I do not know, but when I opened my eyes again it was late afternoon. I was surprised to still be alive but knew that it was just a brief respite, Death would be coming soon enough. And if He didn't, then I would have to kill myself and go to Him. I knew that my Life on this beautiful earth was over. While waiting I got out my friend and advisor and threw Breakthrough with all of the lines moving so that it became Splitting Apart. I then knew that I was not to die here, that I would have to seek out the right spot, then Death would come. I would have to follow my Fate one last time.
I walked back into Flag staying off of the main streets, keeping unseen whenever possible. Soon though, I came into the down town area and had to use the sidewalks. As I was passing the Greyhound depot I felt thirsty and went inside. I asked the manager if I could have some water, use the toilet then sit inside and rest awhile. He looked at me and said, "As long as you don't cause any trouble then you're welcome here."
I thanked him and after I’d finished using the men’s room I sat down to try and figure out what I should do. At sunset I left the station and walked to the south end of town where I had planned to spend the night in the pines. I would then have a fresh look at things in the morning, not that I had any hope about the future, I just didn't know what else to do and it felt right. Just as I was about to walk into the woods a car stopped on the freeway, honked it's horn and blinked its lights at me. I thought, ‘it's starting already, well here goes...’ I walked up to the car and looked in.
The driver, a straight looking guy about my age said, "I'm going to Gila Bend. Need a lift?"
I said, "Sure" and got in.
As we drove along the driver said I looked troubled and asked what was bothering me, so I thought 'what the hell' and told him the whole story and of my plans to seek out my Death. I thought the dude would kick me out of the car for being crazy, it had happened numerous times to me before when I’d talked to straight folks, but he just looked concerned, like I was telling him about an operation I had to have. He listened and when I finished he told me not to worry, that God's Love can heal anything. I told him not this time. I had fucked up big time.
He said, "You will see. If you believe in God's Compassionate Love and His Power to Forgive, then everything will turn out fine for you."
We then rode in silence most of the way. When we got to Gila Bend he dropped me at the west edge of town. I was so tired that I just walked a hundred feet off the freeway into a field of freshly plowed dirt and went to sleep and didn’t dream once all night.
At dawn I got up and walked to the on ramp. As soon as I did a cop pulled up. He got out and told me I was standing in the wrong place. He said, "See that last light stanchion? Go stand by that."
I walked up to the stanchion as the cop roared past me and even before I could unstrap my pack, an old man in a pick up stopped and said that he was going to Alpine. I thanked him and got in. He too, asked why I looked so down in the mouth. I told him the story. He just laughed and said, "Shit, you young people make a big deal out of everything. Don't worry about it boy, it'll pass."
He dropped me at Alpine and told me to stand by the freeway sign and said, "You'll get a ride soon enough.” and soon enough was right. As soon as I got to the sign the first car with a young dude driving stopped and told me he was going to Mission beach to spend the day. This sounded good to me too so when we got to the beach I decided to hang out there all day myself.
However, even though I wanted to be alone people kept coming up to me chat a bit then give me food or drinks. One young couple started talking to me and after hearing my story, even invited me to spend the night at their house, which I did. When we got to their place we had supper together. Then they said that they were going out to a party and that I could stay there and rest if I wanted, me a total stranger with a crazy story left all alone in their home with all of their stuff. I could hardly believe their Faith and Kindness. They left and I showered then consulted the I Ching. It told me to quit fighting it, just to go with it but I though, 'easy for you to say. You've been around for 5000 years and are in no danger of disappearing forever form this wonderful Earth'. I then went to bed but just before I got to sleep, the room filled with a deep blackness and a voice whispered, "SOON!"
Then the blackness contracted to a single point and disappeared. I fell asleep and slept so soundly that I didn't even wake when they came home. Next morning after breakfast I thank them for their kindness and left.
As soon as I got to the street and started walking down the sidewalk a white van pulled over and honked. A freek hung his head out the window and asked, "Hey man, I'm on my way to Ramona. Like to join me?"
I said okay and got in.
Soon as I did, the hippie said, "Okay man, what's the problem?"
So I told him the story, adding what had happened yesterday.
He smiled and said, "Man, you ain't got no problem. You just ain't figured out yet that Gods Love is what's Perfect. Once you realize that and put your Faith in that Power then you'll be all right. I know that it seems serious to you now, but really, it's quite a funny story if ya think about it.”
I said that it didn't seem funny to me that I was going to die pretty soon.
But the freek just waved his hand and said, "No you ain't. You just think you are. Well, maybe part of you is, but it's no biggie. Here, let's smoke a joint. It won't kill ya. Hell, it might even make ya feel better."
I thought, 'well, not yet it won't' so we toked up but I didn't feel any better.
He dropped me in Romona. As I got out he said "Walk to the edge of town, you'll get a ride."
I walked to the east edge of town and as soon as I got there a car stopped with an old couple in it. They were going to Julian, but when we got there they drove through town then south, they said that they wanted to show me something. They took me to a hilltop overlooking the desert below, it had a fantastic view and on top of the hill was giant white wooden cross. They told me to put my trust in the Cross then dropped me on the road to Cuyamaca. The first car went by and it didn't stop. I couldn't believe it! Something was amiss. Then I heard a car coming from the other direction so I crossed the road and stood, the car came to a stop. Inside was a middle aged couple who said they were going to Onterio and they would take me that far.
On the ride I asked them why they stopped for me since straight couples almost never did. They told me that I reminded them of their son who they had just lost. They bought me lunch and we rode mostly in silence. It was late by the time we got to their home in Onterio they made me supper then said, "You can stay and sleep in our camper if you want to, but we think it would be better if you go."
I thanked them and left. As I was walking down the street a car stopped and the driver asked if I need a ride.
I said, "Sure.”
A young guy said that he was going to the foot of Mr. Baldy where he dropped me off.
It was now about midnight with no one around, but then here comes a black car. I just stood there in the road and it stopped. A kid rolled down the window and said, "I’d like to give you a ride, but my girlfriend is too scared to let you inside, so if ya want to ride on the hood, I'll take ya half way up the mountain to a place you can sleep."
I got on the hood and hung on. Where he dropped me I crawled into the bushes and crashed, and again did not dream. I awoke at dawn and got up to leave but when I did I found that I had slept in a field of Poison Oak. I thought, 'oh well, I'll be dead long before it starts to itch'.
Even though it was only 5 a.m. as soon as I got to the road a car comes down it. I stand there and it stops. The guy is going to Riverside to go to work. He drops me on the outskirts of the city and tells me that there is an on ramp a quarter mile south of there. I walk to the ramp and notice that I am covered with teeny tiny red spiders crawling all over me but I just wish them luck then ignore them. I have much more important things on my mind. I get to the ramp and the first car stops, the guy is going to West Covina to work. He drops me off on a corner and as soon as he does another car pulls over, it's a young dude on his way to Big Bear for the day. As we're driving along the driver and I chat and as we're getting to the foot of Big Bear Mountain I tell him the story. The driver listens to maybe half of it before pulling over and telling me to get my crazy ass out of his car. Finally I think, ‘a normal reaction.’
The next car is coming from the opposite direction so I cross the road and the car stops, and here is where it starts getting really weird, the guy, a gay dude, is going where? Why, to West Covina of course. On the way back I tell him the story. It's his opinion that I am suffering from a drug induced hallucination, a schizophrenic break with reality.
I ask him what he does for a living, psychologist he tells me, so I ask him, what about the last three days of getting a ride with first car that comes by?
He says that it is probably just a delusion but even if it is true then it's just a coincidence. But get this, he drops me on the same exact corner that the last ride picked me up at. Now that's what I call a real coincidence. He tells me that there is freeway ramp about a quarter mile south of there (another coincidence) and that I can get a ride from there. My delusion and I thank him and head for the freeway.
There's only one on ramp and it's on the same side of the street that I'm already on. I walk up it and here comes a car, whoosh, it cruises right by, whoosh a second one goes right by me, whoosh, a third, a fourth. Something is not right, whoosh, there goes another. This must not be the right spot so I turn back and walk down the ramp. When I get to the street I start following my Fate, watching cars, people, animals and lights for my cues. When I get to a stoplight, I go the way it says. An hour later I have circled back to the exact same corner my previous two rides to West Covina had dropped me at. I follow my Fate again and again following the same route as before I end up on that same corner. I follow my Fate once more and again the same exact route back to the same exact corner. So now I know that somewhere on that route that I have just walked three times in a row with no variation is the place that I will find my Death. Now all I have to do is find it. I shift my vision to look for energy spots and start walking. I keep an eye on my Fate too just to be sure that it will take me on that same route, it does.
About half way around I see the spot. There's a bridge over a small dry canal with a path running besides it and some eucalyptus that have been planted along the path. This is the place, I know it. This is where I will die, next to a drainage ditch in West Covina on a Sunday afternoon by myself. I scan the ground for the exact spot and see it. I take off my pack and sit down in the lotus. I look around for the last time saying a prayer of thanks to this marvelous Earth for my wonderful Life and to all the people and things who have helped me on this, my incredible journey. Then I close my eyes and start shutting down my body and my consciencness. I am almost entirely all shut off now. I am floating in the pure blackness of the Void. I just have to let go of just one more little part of myself and I will be gone forever, the blackness will engulf me totally, and I will cease to Exist. Good bye, Thank You All. I Love You. I turn off that last thought.
But just as I do a bright light comes rushing out of the Void. It is a white robed Angel who is holding a flaming sword. He comes up to me then He kisses me on my forehead right between my eyes, and I am filled with Love, Compassion and Understanding. He passes right through me and I shiver with delight. I open my eyes and laugh. I look out at this beautiful Earth and shout, "I AM AWAKE!" and laugh again. I no longer have need for thought, only for joyous action.
I get up, put on my pack and walk away never looking back. I come to a stoplight, which is directing me back to that freeway on ramp. I know if I go there now I will get a ride, and that ride will be with my Death. And this time He won't be playing around. Instead I reach out my hand and press the walk button. Instantly it changes to WALK. A large flock of ravens start circling me over my head and they're cawing to me, "Go baaack. Go baaack."
I thank them for their advice then cross the street. They follow me for a block circling me and cawing out to me to, "Go baaack. Go baaack."
I ignore them.
I am walking right into the setting Sun. I'm on the wrong side of the street, the traffic is against me and there is too much traffic to cross to the Other Side. When I look at the ground all the ants, beetles and other insects are crawling in the direction I just came from. I walk past a house, the music is turned up real loud and the song playing in the theme from the movie "The Exorcist". I come to a corner where the stoplight tells me to go back. Time to change Fate. Again I push the walk button and again it instantly changes to WALK and I cross the street. As I cross I see a strawberry stand on the corner, the fruit looks good too. I walk up to it, there's a young Mexican couple running the stand. They see me and hand me a box of strawberries saying, "Take this please. It is our gift to you. Go in Peace."
I thank them and take the berries. I pop one in my mouth, nothing has ever tasted so good in my entire life.
I thirst, and there's a 7-11 up ahead. I go in and ask the kid behind the counter for a 7 up. He hands my a large one and when I try to pay, he says, "That's okay man, my treat."
Thank you my friend.
As I walk out of the store a carload of young dudes pull in, they see me then say to me, "Are you hitch hiking?"
I am.
"Well, if you can wait a minute while we pick up some eats, we'll be going to LA. You can ride along if ya want."
I smile, thank them then get in the car. Just as we leave the 7-11 the sun sets.
When we get to LA the boys drop me at an on ramp going south, but I have had enough fun for one day and decide to ride the Dog down to San Diego. As I'm walking away from the ramp two robed figures come up to me and asked, "Where ya goin?"
They're both dressed like priests. The tall skinny one is in all black robes from head to toe, he has short black hair and beard. The short fat one who does all the talking, is dressed completely in blood red robes, is bald and clean shaven.
"I'm on my way to San Diego." I tell them pleasantly.
Red smiles at me and says, "Well my man, you're going the wrong way. There's an on ramp you just passed that'll take you there. Go ahead, I know you'll get a ride, easy."
I know I would too but it wouldn't be going to San Diego. I smile back at them, thank them for the info then tell them that I am too tired and it's just too late to hitch. They shrug, I shake their hands and they walk away. I get to the downtown LA Greyhound and buy my ticket.
The clerk smiles then says, "Gate number 13 at midnight. Hope you're not superstitious."
I smile back, no not anymore.
At midnight the bus is called and I board. A kid sits next to me and tells me that he is on his way to San Diego to report in for basic training. He has just joined the Navy and he's really excited about his new life. I smile at him as he talks away and think, 'you're not the only one brother'.