My girlfriend Kelly and I got this letter from her Mother Vera, who live in a small town in Illinois. This is how it began:
***
Dear Kelly and Tai,
How are you doing? I am doing fine except you’re not going to believe what happened to me. June, a friend of mine came over last week and told me she had heard there was a movie house in Chicago that actually showed people ‘doing it’. I didn’t believe it so I asked her if she’d seen it for herself. She said no, but now days anything was possible. A couple days later Martin (her boyfriend) came over so I asked him if what June had told me was true. He said yes. I asked if he’d seem any of them movies himself. He seemed kind of embarrassed but then admitted that he had. I told him I didn’t believe there were such movies that he was just joshing me. He said there was so. I told him then if there really was, then I wanted to see one for myself. He said I wouldn’t like it, but if I really wanted to see one then he would drive me to Chicago and we could see one together. Since I thought he had to be kidding I told him I wanted to go.
A week later we went to the city. Martin drove us to this real seedy part of town and asked me again if I really wanted to see one of these ‘blue movies’. I told him yes. He parked then we walked to the theater named “The Pussycat” with a movie called “Behind The Green Door” playing. Martin bought us the ticket’s that cost $5 each. I though this had better be a good picture for that price. When we walked in I asked the ticket guy when the movie started. He just laughed. Martin told me with these kind of picture’s it didn’t matter when they started and stopped. Before going in I bought us some popcorn, 2 soda’s and some Junior Mints.
Then we entered the theater and I froze because I could not believe my eyes. At first I thought they were playing tricks on me because there on the screen was a man’s giant thing going in and out of a woman’s private parts! Why, you couldn’t even see their faces. Only private parts doing it! Then I heard the sound and that made it even worse! A woman’s voice was telling the man to do all sorts of nasty things to her and using real bad language too! Plus, there was a lot of just plain moaning and groaning! I don’t know how long I stood there when Martin bumped me and said we should find a seat.
Well let me tell you, there was no way I was staying and watching that filth a minute longer so I told Martin right then and there that I’d seen enough and I was leaving. But, he said, Vera we just got here. Don’t you want to stay for the whole movie? I told him I was leaving and if he wanted to stay then I would meet him in the car. Martin laughed and said he was just kidding me so we turned around and left. On the way out, the ticket guy asked why we were leaving so soon. I told him that I couldn’t believe anyone would make a movie like that. And where did they get people to star in them anyway? He just laughed then he even offered to return out money. I told him no, it was worth the $5 to just to see something like that. We drove back home with Martin Joshing me about, how did I like that picture? I felt kind of foolish for being so naïve.
When I got home I called June and told her about the whole thing. She said she was glad that went and not her because she would have been too embarrassed to talk about it. Can you believe it? Have you guy’s ever seen such a thing? No, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know. (Here the letter turned more to regular family matters.)
***
Kelly and I got a real kick out of that letter. We could just picture this totally straight 65 year old Midwestern woman walking into a prono flick for the first time. The shock on her face must have been classic.