A WEDDING
My true love Kelly and I are high up in the Golden Triangle staying with Pen and Kit some Thai friends of ours. They have a couple of bungalows in back of their house that they rent out to passing Falangs. We've known them for years and always stay with them when we're in the area. They live in their house with their brand new baby girl and Pen's grandfather. Pen's an artist who a raises fighting chickens and he only deals with Falangs when he needs a little extra cash. Kelly and I are up there to score some Thai weed because it's real cheap up here as opposed to the beaches where it's a dollar a gram.
We tell Pen what we need and he, being a smoker himself tells us no problem. The next noon Boon shows up in his police uniform with a kilo of spears about 18 inches long. We all sit around and test out the weed. Boon tells us it is the best around right now, he knows because he gets it from the army who controls all the dope in Thailand.
We ask how much?
He says, "One thousand Baht." ($40)
It's so good that we don't even try to talk him down. We give him the cash and he gives us the grass. As we're sitting there smoking Aka Boy comes along and tells us that he's getting married this weekend at his village and we are all invited.
We ask who's the lucky girl.
He tells us that he hasn't met her yet but he has seen her picture. She is pretty and has just turned 14. (Aka boy is 16.)
We congratulate him and tell him maybe we'll come, then we continue smoking the dope.
Kelly and I set to cleaning the kilo. Thai's don't smoke grass that doesn't have seeds in it because they're afraid it might have been sprayed with Paraquat, with seeds they know it's mature. As we're sitting on the porch Pen comes over and tells us that he's just met a German couple and they want a guide to go trekking and see some hill tribe people.
Since Aka Boy's wedding is happening he thought it was a good idea to take them there, then says "Tai, would you and Kelly like to come too? I don't want to be stuck entertaining a couple Germans, you know how they are."
I laugh, yeah I know.
Kelly says, "No way am I going. I have this kilo to clean and smoke. Why should I tramp around the hills when I can stay right here and be happy, anyway they're your Germans."
Pen says, "What about you Tai, want to go?"
I ask for how long?
He tells me, "We leave early Friday morning, spend the night and come back Saturday afternoon."
I tell him, "Okay, let's do it."
We smoke a J and Pen leaves.
A bit later Pen and Kit come over with a big papaya. Kit slices it up. As we eat it, Kit says, "Tai, Pen didn't tell you but we're charging the Germans 1200 Baht each for the trek so you pay us 600, okay?"
I laugh saying, "No way. Pen wants me to go along and help him baby sit, so I ain't paying anything."
Kit picks up the butcher knife, starts waving it in the air saying, "You must pay. We have expenses, the taxi, the food, the lodging. Very expensive!"
I say, "Kit, I know what things cost in Thailand and for two days for all of us won't even cost you 1000 Baht."
Kit goes, "Aiee, but you must pay something."
So I tell her that I will pay 400 Baht or I won't go and Pen can have the Germans to himself.
Kit sticks the knife right in my face twisting it and says, "Okay 400 Baht, but if the Germans ask, you paid full price."
I tell her, "No problem."
She puts the knife down then says, "Oh, I'm bringing them here today so talk to them, okay?"
I say, “All right, but if they want any grass then it comes out of your stash."
The Germans show up, they’re a young couple named Eric and Rita. They are all excited about going because it's their first time in Thailand and ask me what to expect.
I tell them that it will be interesting and just to relax and enjoy it.
Friday morning at dawn Pen wakes us up telling us to hurry, the taxi is coming. The taxi, a mini-pick up truck, shows up and we all pile in. We ride for about an hour up into the mountains on a dirt track until it's too rutted for the taxi to go any farther then get out and start walking.
Pen tells us that it's about a two hour hike mostly up hill so we should take it easy since we have plenty of time, but the Germans being young and excited race ahead of us then wait until we catch up. We walk through a few other villages of different kinds of hill tribe folks, each with a different dress, different language and different style of house. Some villagers greet us as we pass, totally ignore us.
We get to Aka Boy’s village before noon. The headman greets us and tells us that we'll be staying with him in his house with his family then show us where to leave our stuff and introduces us to his family. He then feeds us some papaya and meat while the entire village stands around and watches us. The Germans try to talk to them but they're too busy watching us to answer. Pen gets up and passes out candy to everyone and after they eat it they go about their daily business. Pen shows us around the village then takes us over to where the wedding will take place. The men are there with a big pig that they are preparing to slaughter.
I tell Pen that I have worked as a butcher so he tells the men who then ask me if I want to help.
Sure.
We hold the hog while the headman slits its throat then catches the blood in a bowl. Then we gut it with the guts going into another bowl. Then a man with an ax simply chops the carcass into manageable pieces. The Germans just watch while the rest of us strip off the skin, cut off the meat then break the bones, all of which go into separate pots with another pot for the head, tail and feet. After that workout it time for a bath. Pen takes us Falang to the nearest waterfall for our shower while the villagers bathe in the Thai style in their homes.
After the waterfall it's just hang around and wait until the bride arrives, which will be right before sundown. In the meantime the kids ask for more candy and the woman try to sell us things that they've made at ridiculously cheap prices so we all buy something.
We hear a great racket coming up the trail. It's the villagers from the bride’s village coming and they're all talking loud and yelling. Our villagers meet them in the center of the village and now everyone is shouting and hollering at one another.
We ask Pen what’s happening.
He tells us "Our people are telling them to get that lazy barren slut out of here, they don't want her stealing Aka Boy. They other villagers are say that Aka Boy is nothing but a sterile lay-about who only has sex with whores and gambles all of the money their hard working daughter will bring into the home, and that Aka Boy is not even good enough to marry one of their dogs."
Wow! And this goes on for over an hour until the sunsets then everybody mingles and starts hugging saying how fortunate this union is.
I ask Pen why all the commotion.
He tells me it’s to drive away evil spirits.
The women are in their traditional dress, the kids mostly naked or in very old torn clothes and the men in western wear. We all troop over to the wedding place. All the pots of food are laid out and there is Aka Boy and his intended. The village priest steps up to them and says a real long prayer, lights incense, rings a bell then says something real short to Aka Boy who nods, then to the bride, who barely nods.
The priest then says, "You’re married" ending with another long prayer.
When he's done everyone crowds around the happy couple giving them money.
After that the feast begins, first course is pigs blood with a bit of lemon in it so it won't coagulate. It's dark now so the blood looks like chocolate and tastes like a Bloody Mary without the vodka. Everything is served Thai style, everyone gets a spoon and everyone eats out of the same bowl. I know what this is so I just take a small spoonful to be polite but the Germans don't, so they taste it and like it then eat more of it. Next course boiled pigs skin, which is tough, chewy and flavorless. Next pig meat boiled with banana flowers, not too bad. Next the head, boiled, and lastly rice that had been boiled with the bones. What was done with the guts I don't know. I ate just enough of each dish to be polite but the Germans seemed to like the food and ate with gusto.
After dinner everyone just stands around and talks. The Germans then ask me if there was any opium to try.
I tell them I’ll check.
Pen tells me, "No problem" then goes for the headman who took us to the village opium den.
Inside is the pipe master and a female helper. We all lie down on the mats and the master asks if we want half or pure. The Germans ask what that means so I tell them. They ask the dose: five pipes, a half-gram of pure Opium.
They say okay.
Eric goes first, then Rita, them me and lastly Pen. After we had all have five pipes, Eric says he don't feel a thing. Rita says she don’t feel much either. So I tell them to smoke five more and they do. Rita says she now feels it but Eric says that he still doesn't. As he's saying that though, he's scratching his nose and head and his eyes are just slits so he's really loaded, he just don't know it.
I tell him to go ahead and smoke some more.
He says he'll try the half pure and smokes five pipes of those.
Pen tells me that we should get them out of there and into bed before they're too stoned to walk.
I tell them that it's time to go. They get up and we leave but before we're half way to the headman’s house Pen and me have to help Eric with his walking. I ask if he feels the O.
He says he sure does.
After taking them over the bushes to puke, we get to the headman’s house where he has lain out two sleeping pads for us to lay on then gives us a couple blankets. We all lay down together and are soon in dreamland.
I wake up a little later with a raging hard on. I move to the edge of the pad and jack off as quietly as I can using the technique I’d learned from a rock so I can have an orgasm but not cum. I finish, but the boner just won't quit so I just ignore it and go back into the dream.
In the morning the headman wakes Pen and me at dawn. We try to wake the Germans but they are still way too stoned to move and tell us to leave them alone.
Pen says that we have to get them moving because the taxi will be at the rendezvous point at 4 p.m. and if we miss it, well, it's a long walk to the main road. Pen tells the headman to make a lot of real strong coffee then we force the Germans to drink it.
An hour later they're still stoned but at least they're ambulatory. The head man gives us some breakfast then we spend the next hour getting the Germans ready, making them drink more coffee then we're off. The two-hour uphill journey there turns into a four-hour downhill journey with Pen and me cajoling and threatening Eric and Rita to keep moving. Also, Pen is into orchids, at his house there are orchids where ever you look so whenever he see one as we travel through the jungle, he goes over to it, cuts it down and puts it in his bag to take home to replant.
We get to the pick up area at 3 p.m. in plenty of time. The Germans flop down on the ground under a tree and go to sleep. Pen and I just sit, talk and smoke some weed. The Taxi shows up only a half-hour late and we all pile in. An hour later we're back at Pen and Kit's. The Germans go straight to bed. Kelly asks me for a report and I tell her of our adventures.
Next morning Eric and Rita are all packed and ready for the bus ride back to Chaing Mai.
I tell them that they are still high and should wait another day, but their minds are set to go, so good bye.
Kelly and I stay with Pen and Kit another few days while we finish cleaning the kilo which leave us with about a half pound of pure smoking pleasure then it's off to Chaing Mai for us too. We bid our friends, "See ya next time" and head out.
A week later we are walking down the street and who do we see coming our way, why it's Eric and Rita.
We all say, "Hi" then I ask how they've been and how did they like the opium.
Eric says, "When we got here we checked into our hotel then went to bed and slept for the next 24 hours then woke up feeling a little ill."
I tell him that was just part of the tripp but if he had of smoked some grass then he would of felt much better.
Rita says, "I really like the high. I think maybe it was the best I've ever felt, so calm and so peaceful. Although the hike back wasn't much fun."
I say that next time they smoke O they should do it somewhere they can spend a few days so they can relax and really enjoy the high.
Eric says that he had heard of a village right on the main road that you could go and smoke O so he thought that Rita and him might check it out.
Rita says, "Jah, I really want to try it again."
I asked them name of the village.
They tell me and I say, "Yeah, that is a good place. You can spend days there and get nice and high and no one will bother you."
We all chatted a bit more unit was time to say good bye. We each went our separate way and never saw one another again. I hope they enjoyed their holiday in Thailand, because Kelly and I always do.