I’ve been through Agricultural Inspection, have checked my bags and gotten my boarding pass. There’s still an hour before my flight Honolulu-San Diego is ready for boarding so I have plenty of time. I go back to the coin locker where I had my shoulder bag stashed and check the contents. Okay, there's a quarter pound of Maui-Wowie, two one pint jars of Majick Mushroom Honey (receipt follows), four airline size bottles of Rum and a prescription bottle of 10 mg. Valium. With let's see, 6 of the 10 tabs left that I talked a doctor into giving me for my fear of flying. Yup, it all seems to be in order and, oh yeah, just in case of emergency, a windowpane of Clearlight in my shirt pocket. Yes, we're ready to fly high.
I go to the snack bar and buy a coke. I tell the girl not to fill it all the way up because I wouldn't want to spill it then it's off to the men’s room where I add a teaspoon of honey and one of the bottles of rum. I pop a Valium and drink the coke to wash it down. I wonder if I can risk smoking a joint in one of the stalls but no, it's a little too crowded and besides, I’m good for now. I head for my gate, the only thing left is the Security Check. I've been through them lots of times and there have never been any problems.
Once, one of the guards pulled the bottle of honey out, looked then laughed and showed it to the other guards. She gave them back to me and wished me a good trip but most of them are even too bored to look, if it ain't a gun or a bomb then it 's not their problem. I breeze right through but what the hell is this up ahead?
Secondary Agriculture Inspection Station? Shit! And me with that quarter pound in my bag. Well, I can pretend that I forgot something, turn around and go back to the men’s room then tape it to my body. But that still leaves the honey, or I can just brazen it out. The Valium and the rum have kicked in. And besides sometimes you just got to have faith. So Fuck It! Here's goes nothing. "Morning gentlemen, what's happening?” I ask.
There's a couple of young dudes on duty, "We're here to make sure that you're not taking any agricultural products back to the mainland with you." says one of them.
The other's trying to be funny says, "Wouldn't want any nasty old bus destroying our crops, ya know."
So I say, "What about all those boxes of fruit and flowers they sell in the gift shop here?"
He says, "Oh, they've been inspected and approve."
Yeah, I just bet.
One asks me where I'm going.
San Diego, I tell him.
Then he asks, "What's in the bag?" pointing at my shoulder bag.
"You know, personal shit." I answer looking him right in the eyes.
"No fruit or vegetables?” he asks.
"No, not a one." I answer truthfully.
They look at each other then back at me and say, "Have a nice flight."
And I'm through and home free.
The flight is called and we board. I'm seated next to a straight looking guy about my age who says his name is Brian. After we take off I start chatting with my new companion and find out that he's a doper. He had just cut his hair and shaved to avoid the hassles. I buzz the stewardess and ask for two cokes. After she brings them, I add a teaspoon of honey and 1/2 a bottle of rum to each one, "Cheers!" We drink and my new friend admits that that was pretty good so I order two more cokes and we do it again. We bullshit for half an hour, feel the buzz and decide that as long as I have one more bottle of rum, what the hey!
By the time is served lunch we're both in fine shape. We must be having fun because every time the stew passes us she gives us a troubled look. After lunch Brian decides that since I was so generous with my stash that he will reciprocate and orders two more rum and coke but this time no honey, he's buzzed enough already. The movie starts and we order another round to see us through it. We must be getting a bit too loud because the stew comes by and asks us if we'd like to watch the flick.
"Not for a $2 headphone fee." we say so she offers them to us for free. We go, "Okay."
But after awhile we get bored with the movie and order two more drinks. The stew tells us that these will be the last two, and that we're getting too loud and are bothering the other passengers.
We promise to be good saying, "Sorry." but the stew look doubtful because we're also laughing at the same time.
The flicks over, we're getting no more booze and still have over an hour of flight time left. Brian leans over and asks if I’d like to do a little coke. He's says that he has some ultra fine Peruvian Flake.
I say, "Sounds good to me, let's do her."
The plan is: He'll go into the toilet, chop some up, do two, then chop some up for me and when he comes out, I go in and they’ll be a couple lines on the counter waiting for me. Sounds like a real good plan to me. We go to the forward lavatories.
He goes in while I guard the door. But what's this? The cabin door to the cockpit is open and there's the crew, laughing, joking and having a good time. I think that I'll join them. I enter and say, "What's shaking guys?"
They stop laughing and ask what do I think I'm doing in there.
I say, "I just wanted to stop in and say "Hi" and to check out a big jets cockpit, seeing as how I've never been in one."
They tell me I can't be in there and that I have to return to my seat
"But you let the little dudes come up here for a ride and even give them some wings." I protest.
Someone has a firm grip on my arm from behind. It's my stew. She says I must return to my seat at once.
"I just wanted some wings." I whine as she's pulling me out the door.
One of the pilots says, "Give that asshole whatever he wants, just keep him in his seat."
As she guides me past the toilets I remember, the coke! I tell her that I have to use the can and step in front of the one that Brian's in.
She looks and says that the one next to it is vacant.
I tell her that I know that, but I want to use this one.
She's got work to do and she's tired of playing around with me so she makes me promise that I'll return to my seat as soon as I'm done, and if I do then she'll have a pair of wings for me.
I promise.
She looks doubtfully at me, she's seen this kind of trouble before but then she turns and leaves.
Brian is out the door and gives me the high sign. I go in and there are two fat white lines on the counter, which I immediately snort. I look into the mirror, not too bad. I start feeling the rush. Man, this is good coke. Geeze, what a rush and...
Who the hell are all of these people (?) and why are they staring down (?) at me? And where the fuck am I anyway?
Let's see, I was on a plane to San Diego, and this is definitely not an airplane. So it must be San Diego. But who, and more importantly, why, are all of these people staring at me? And why am I looking at the ceiling? Oh oh, now there's a cop and he's talking to me, and he's going to want some real good answers.
So, first thing to do is, decipher just what the cop is saying. "Are you hurt? Do you need a doctor? Can you understand me? You've fallen onto the carousal. Can you get up?"
I understand! Now, it's always been my policy to always tell the cops the truth. Well, as much as possible anyway. Because they always know when you're lying to them so I say, "They gave me too much liquor on the plane and now I'm as drunk as a skunk!"
The cop is relieved, this is something that he's seen and has dealt with before. "Can you get up and walk?" he asks.
I hold up my hand and he jerks me upright. My pack is half on, half off my shoulder. I must have fallen picking it up. I wonder how many times I went around on the carousel before they cut the power. I tell the cop that I'm all right.
He asks me what I plan to do now.
I tell him, "I just want to call my Mommy and tell her to come and get me and take me home."
The cop is thinking: Either he can arrest this prick for being drunk in public, which means paperwork for him and maybe trouble for the airline, or he can pawn the problem off on somebody else, i.e. the jerks mother. Since he doesn't know that the jerk is loaded down with all kinds of illegal substances, his choice is simple.
He leads me to the phone banks, gives me a dime and I dial. "Hi Mom. I'm at the airport.---I thought I’d come home for Christmas.---Yeah, San Diego.---There's a cop here who'd like to know if you can come and get me?"
The cop takes the phone "Hello.---Yes, your son's here and he has had a little too much to drink and needs a ride home.---Yes, I understand.---Yes, I'm sure you are.---He'll be at the baggage claim area's phones.---Okay, thank you Mam." He hangs up. "Okay, your parents will be here to pick you up in half an hour. I want you to sit right here and wait. If I come back here and you're not here then I'm going to arrest you. Understand!"
I hang my head contritely, "Yes sir, I understand."
As soon as the cops out of sight, I am out the door. Fuck him. I ain't waiting inside when it's much nicer out on the curb. If he bugs me I'll just tell him that I had to puke.
Man, it's been a mighty long half-hour but here comes P and M now, and they don't look too happy. "Merry Christmas!" I say.
"Where have you been?" they ask. "We've been looking all over the airport for you for over an hour."
"I've been right here waiting for you. "I answer.
"You were suppose to be inside. We even had you paged a few times and the cops are looking for you too." they tell me.
This is not good news so I stand up then say to them, "Well then, let's go."
"Are you sober, can you walk?" they want to know.
"Hell yeah, I feel fine! It's good to see the both of you again. Let's go home." I say and give the each a hug and a kiss.
They hug and kiss me back then say, "Okay Son, let's go home. Oh, should we tell the police that we've found you?"
I tell them that we don't need to bother them, they already have enough to do. As we walk away, I reach into on of my pockets and there's a plastic pair of airplane wings in it. Merry Christmas Everyone!
RECIPE FOR MUSHROOM HONEY
If you have a good source of psilosybin and don't have the time or it's too humid to dry them, then this is the next best way to preserve them: Get a clean glass wide mouth jar with a tight fitting screw on lid. Fill it about a quarter full with light honey (Orange blossom is good). Pick the shrooms and put them into the jar until it is completely filled, then shake vigorously until all of the mushrooms dissolve. This will turn the honey black and raise the honey level higher. Repeat until the jar is full of black sweet liquid. This will last indefinitely. My favorite way to take it is, keep it by your bedside and take a couple tablespoons as soon as you get up in the morning. It sets up your whole day and there's not a better way to start one except for maybe Peyote Tea.