I'M NOT DOING THIS ANYMORE!
It's a beautiful Easter Sunday morning in Paradise. I got up at 5 a.m. so I could attend Sunrise Service at my favorite place of worship. A little place called Highgate located in the uplands on the island of Kauai. This is a very special church, it covers acres and acres, is populated by hundreds of cows who drop thousands of pies that, after being washed by the gentle rain and kissed by the sun, produce The Host, millions of Majick Mushrooms. Plus, I've just spent the night with a hot young babe who didn't want to get up so early but has made me promise on pain of death to come back to her later bringing her some shrooms.
I'm walking down the road and there are not many cars out this time of day but I have no doubt that I will get a ride. In fact, here comes one now. I put out my thumb and it stops. I go up to the window and there are two very straight looking people in it. The guy's about 50, the chick 30 at the oldest.
I say, "Good morning and Happy Easter."
They just smile and nod so I ask, "Where are you going?"
The guy after a beat says, "Do you know where we can get some of that Kalalau Red Bud?"
I laugh. "Not at six in the morning I don't. But, " I continue "I do know where you can get all of the majick mushrooms you could want, and they're free just for the picking."
They talk it over then say, "Okay let's go, but do you think you can get us some bud later?"
I assure them I can and get in.
Now they get friendly. He's Tom, owns a business in New York, she's Bobbie and she helps him with the business. They are tourist and are here for two weeks planning to go to each island for three days then fly home then go back to work.
I tell them that don't sound like a vacation to me. I tell them that a real vacation is laying around on the beach doing as little as possible for as long as possible.
They tell me different strokes
I say whatever.
They want to know about the shrooms so I give them the skinny.
There are two kinds of mushrooms and they both grow on cowpies. One that will gets you off, the gray ones with chocolate gills and purple spores, and other ones that don't but won't hurt you if you eat one, the gold ones with gold gills and whitish spores. Don't look for them on fresh pies either. Instead look for circles of grass a little higher and a little greener than the grass around them, they'll be old pies in that grass and shrooms on those pies. Tap the top before you pick them to help release the spores for the next generation. The dose is 4 to 44, and contrary to popular belief it's better to eat them on an empty stomach. In fact, I fasted all day yesterday to get ready. I tell them not even to look for them, just wander around the pasture whistling the meadowlark’s song. The mushrooms will hear you and majickly pop up right before your eyes. Take a plastic baggie with you because they'll be lots and you may want some for later. Got that
Yeah, they got it.
Okay, pull into this dirt road and park because here we are. We get out of the car and we are entranced and amazed. It's Easter morning, the sun is just up. And it has a double rainbow all the way around it! This is going to be one majickal day. We climb the fence and wander off on our own whistling like the larks who are whistling themselves. Mushrooms pop up before me and I partake of the Food of the Gods. I'm already in Paradise, soon I'll be in Heaven. After an hour or so we find each other and I ask if they were successful. They each give me big stupid grins while holding up a baggie full of shrooms.
"How many did you eat?" I ask them.
Tom says about 10.
Bobbie says 6.
Tom says he doesn't feel high yet, do we?
Bobbie says she feel great.
I ate a lucky 13 and am feeling in fine shape.
Tom's high, he just don't know it yet.
What do they feel like doing next? We could hang out and just groove on all this beauty or...
Tom tells us he's hungry and would like to eat some breakfast.
Bobbie says she could eat too so okay, Sunrise Kitchen here we come.
The Sunrise Kitchen is the most famous breakfast joint on the island. It's on the Hiana side, is hippie owned and run, is only open from 6 a.m. to 1 p.m. and it only serves breakfast but one so huge that it will last a grown man all day, plus they take food stamps. This being Easter Sunday it might not be open, but when we get there we're in luck, it is. Tom and Bobbie each have a big breakfast while I have a glass of orange juice. Tom's keeps saying that he doesn't feel high so he's keeps eating the shrooms at a pretty good clip. He's up to 20 now, a very healthy dose. After breakfast I tell them let's go down to Hiana beach where we can hang out tripping until the bud man arrives. Tom, who is now definitely feeling the shrooms and the food digesting in his stomach, says that sounds good to him, and Bobbie agrees.
Hiana is the famous puka shell beach so while we're waiting for the grass to show up Tom and Bobbie buy a couple puka shell necklace, very pretty, very handsome indeed. Around 11 the pakalolo man shows and, yeah, he's got some Red Bud for $40 an ounce. Tom asks me if I think it's worth it "Shit man! This is the best in the world!" I tell him. He cops, we twist up a number, fire that puppy up and, Ouu-Wee-Ahhh, the day just keeps getting better. We hang at Hiana the rest of the day, trippin’, groovin’ and enjoying a wonderful day on beautiful Kauai.
It starts getting late and I do have that cute babe waiting for me so I ask Tom for a ride back to her place. He says okay, collects Bobbie and we split. On the way Tom thinks that he's coming down so we smoke another doobie and he eats some more shrooms. Bobbie sees a Chinese restaurant up ahead and she's hungry and wants to eat again. We park the car and go in. Tom tells the waiter that he wants to see the manager. The manager comes over and asks how he can help us. Tom says he wants the best meal in the house and he doesn't care how much it cost or how long it takes to prepare it, he wants the best. The manager calls out the cook. They confer then tell Tom the menu. Tom asks them if that's the best they can do? They say yes, so Tom confers with Bobbie. They say okay, and if it's really good they tell the cook, then they’ll leave a big tip too. It takes over an hour for all the food to come and I have to admit that it was the best restaurant meals I have ever eaten in my whole life. After dinner they takes me to the honey's pad who, not only been waiting for me and the shrooms, but is hot to trot too. We say good bye, nice meeting you and they leave me in the clutches of that wild babe. As I said, the day just kept getting better.
Two years later... I'm sitting on the road about half way between Pahia and Hana on the island of Maui. I had just finished checking on some plants I was growing in the jungle and was hitching a ride back to Haiku when a brown station wagon going in the opposite direction comes screeching to a halt.
Tom jumps out yelling, "Tai! Tai! Man, am I glad to see you!"
He still looks straight, but island straight instead of tourist straight. After we exchange greetings, he tells me that he's moved to Maui and bought himself a restaurant in Kanapali. He says he has a really good story to tell me but right now he has a car full of people waiting on him. He gives me his address and makes me promise to visit him and Bobbie as soon as possible. He says. "See ya.” then he jumps back in the car and is gone.
A week or so later I'm in Lahina so I go to the address that Tom’s given me which is a real nice bungalow right on the beach. Bobbie answers the door and gives me a big hug saying how happy she is to see me and that Tom found me. Toms home so we all sit down in the living room where they give me a glass of wine, roll a joint, light it, then tell me this story.
Tom starts, "After we dropped you off I started driving back to our hotel."
Bobbie interrupts him saying, "Tom, you don't remember it anyway, so let me tell it."
Tom says, "That's right, in fact, I don't remember most of that day. I must've been higher than I though."
So Bobbie continues, "Tom was driving back to the hotel when all of a sudden he turns to me and says, "Bobbie, I'm just not doing this anymore." then passes out cold. We were going around 50 mph and heading straight for a canal, so I grab the wheel with one hand and put the car in neutral with the other, then I jerk up on the emergency brake. When the car finally stops the front wheels are hanging over the edge of the canal. I try to wake Tom up, but he's out cold. Another car comes along. I flag it down, tell them we need help so they go and call us a tow truck to pull us out. I finally get Tom to wake up a little and after we're towed out of the canal I drive us back to the hotel then put Tom to bed. Next morning he doesn't remember a thing."
Tom now picks up the story, "Next morning Bobbie tells me what happened. Soon as she told me about saying 'not doing it anymore', even though I don't remember saying it, I knew what it meant. I told her to cancel our trips to the other islands, that we were spending our entire vacation on Kauai. We drove around looking for you but never did find you. We even went to Highgate and Hiana a few times too. I told Bobbie that as soon as we got back to New York I was selling the business and everything else we owned. That we were moving to Hawaii to open a restaurant which was always my life’s dream. It took us a year to get rid of everything. At the same time I had a real estate guy here on Oahu looking for a place where we could open a restaurant. He found us a half block here on Maui up in Kanapali that already had a restaurant on it. Their lease expired two months ago so they are out and we are in. We've been renovating and think that we'll be able to open in a couple more weeks."
Bobbie says, "We're ready to open now. We're really just waiting for all the permits."
Tom tells me, "It's called "Bobbies" after you know who. Let's go take a look at it."
Tom drives us over to it. They show me around then show me their menu which is mostly yuppie food, good but expensive. I tell them that it's great they're doing what they want and living their dream. After awhile I tell them I have to be heading back to Haiku where I'm living in a tree house. They make me promise to attend the grand opening and to stop by when ever I'm in either Lahina or Kanapali. I say okay.
Even thought I saw Tom and Bobbie fairly often after that we never did become close. They were business people with money and I was a hippie beach bum, and the two really don't mix. Last I heard of them was they are still running that restaurant in Kanapali living their dream, and you can't do better than that.