KISS OFF OF THE SPIDER WOMAN
She's been coming to the parties at the 22nd St. commune for at least the last six weeks. They have a big one every Saturday night that includes lots of loud music, sometimes live, plenty of beer and wine, even more dope, every type of freek that you can think of and if you’re lucky, sometimes wild sex, but she's different. First of all, she's from Berkeley who most us San Francisco freeks don't get along with real well because they are into revolution and social change, while all we care about is sex and drugs and rock and roll. Secondly, she doesn't indulge much in the booze, dope or sex, mostly she just talks with us. Also, she's older than most of us, in her early 40's while most of us are in the 15 to 35 range. We think she might be doing a paper on the wild life of San Francisco hippies and is just here observing and gathering material.
She always arrives early, around 9 p.m. because she comes by AC Transit, and leaves early by getting some poor sucker (male) to drive her home no later that 1 a.m. Here's how she works it: Around midnight she'll pick a single male who's just slightly buzzed and start chatting him up. She'll ask if he's got a car, if not then it’s good bye and goes looking for another victim. When she finds Mr. Right, she'll get real friendly with him, smiling, flirting and lightly touching him. Around 1 a.m. or whenever he's ready, she'll tell him that she lives in Berkeley. That it's way too late for a poor little defenseless woman to ride the bus home alone this time of night, and if he'd be so kind as to give her a ride home, then she'd be so grateful that he can spend the night at her place. The sucker thinks 'Oh boy, I am getting some tonight’ so of course he agrees and off they go.
Now we switch to one of the victims stories of which were all pretty much the same, "We get to her house, a small single with it's own yard and she invites me in still acting friendly like. She sits me down on the couch and gets me a beer, then says she'll be right back. I think that she's going to slip into something conformable so I'm planning my moves."
"But no, she comes back into the living room with an armful of pillows and blankets, tosses them to me saying, “Thanks for the ride home.” You can sleep on the sofa if you like. Good night."
"She goes back into her bedroom, shuts and locks the door. I'm sitting there going ‘What the Fuck?’ so I yell out, "I though we was spending the night together."
"She calls back out through the door "I never said that. All I said was that you could spend the night at my house, which you can. If you decide not to, or leave early, would you please turn off the light and lock the door when you go. Thanx and good night now."
"I'm going ‘ Well Fuck Me.”(Some of the suckers spent the night and even had breakfast with her the next morning.
However, most drove right back to the party to tell us their tale of woe. We'd all get a big laugh out of it and tell the victim that he wasn't the first. He'd always ask why didn't somebody warn him.
We'd laugh again, and say, "What, and miss all the fun? You must be kidding, and anyway you can watch her work on next Saturday’s sucker."
Although what she did we all thought was chickenshit, we also had to admire her for the way she worked, but then one Saturday night she picked the wrong dude. Mad Max didn't know her trip because he always came to party late, very late, so she had been there and gone by the time that he arrived. One Saturday Mad Max came early. The Spider Woman saw him and got friendly, does he have a car?
Hell yes! A bitchen’ black Camaro.
Could he take her home?
Out the door they go together, the happy couple.
A couple hours later Max comes in and he’s hot. "You know what that BITCH had the balls to do to ME!"
Yes Max, we know, we say as we're laughing at him.
"Well then, why don’t ya come out to the Camaro and laugh at this Motherfuckers." Max says, so we all troop out to Mad Max’s car. He opens the trunk and inside it is jammed packed with all kinds of household goods. Max says, "That ain't nothing." He walks over to the passenger door, opens it and says, "Take a look at this." We look and in the back seat is a TV, stereo and even more household stuff. Now it's Max who's laughing. "I was so pissed at what that bitch did to me that I went and banged on her door and told her to let me in her bedroom so she could pay up. She told me to either go to sleep or leave, and if I didn't quit bothering her then she'd call the pigs. ‘Well,’ I think, ‘she's getting fucked one way or another’, so I go lay down and pretend to sleep until it get real quiet. I go and listen at her door until I can hear her breathing regular so I know she's asleep. Then as quietly and as quickly as I can, I took every thing that wasn't nailed down and that would fit in the Camaro. Then I turned on every light in the house and when I leave, I left the front door wide open so when she wakes up she'll know she's been ripped off, but she won't know by who. Pretty good, huh?" Mad Max says.
He then asks us if we'd like any of her stuff, it's real cheap he says with a smile, on sale even.
Well, we never did see the Spider Woman again. And when I asked Mad Max if he ever heard anything from either her or especially from the cops, he just said, "Nope, not a thing."
So we guessed that she had learned that old adage: “That you can fuck some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fuck all of the people all of the time without getting some karma back.”