My girlfriend Kelly and I have a friend named Tom who lived in a small southern Oregon town. He’s a good looking guy in his mid 30’s who has never worked a day in his life because he has rich grandparents who give him $1000 a month so he can be an artist living the bohemian lifestyle. He usually lives in some cheap ratshack outside of the city limits because he’d much rather spend his money on pot and young girls. He has certain rules in his life that include smoking grass each and every day, playing poker with his male buddies once a week, which includes me, and dating only cute petite babes between the ages of 18 and 24, but only for a week or two at the most. He lead a pretty idyllic life until he decided that living in a ratshack was getting a little old and move into a brand new 2 bedroom townhouse right in the middle of town with his 2 cats and his pitbull. Since the rent was $800 a month that meant he either had to get a job or a roommate. The choice was simple. He asked Kelly and me if we’d like to move in but we told him, no way. Not only was it too expensive, but it was way too square for us, so he advertised. Most folks who came to look at the place saw the cats and the pitbull and that was enough for them. A few didn’t leave until he told them about the dope smoking and the weekly poker games. Tom was an honest guy and he didn’t want no trouble later down the road.
One day a woman in her late 20’s came over to check it out and said she liked what she saw. He showed her the animals. She said she liked them. He told her about the pot and the poker. Debra said no problem. She told Tom she had an ex-husband, who she was still friends with, and two kids living in the next town. Debra said she would be spending most of her time over there. She’d probably only be sleeping here. He asked what she did. Debra told him that she was a secretary at the forensics lab in town. Tom really didn’t want a female roommate but by now the rent was due and he was getting desperate. At least she was over 25 so he wouldn’t be sexually attracted to her. He told her okay. She gave him the first months rent and told him that she would pay him the security deposit and lasts months rent within a couple weeks. Debra moved in the following Saturday. Kelly and I met her and she seemed nice enough for a straight person. Tom was happy for exactly one day.
Monday morning bright and early as Tom was having his morning coffee, Debra came down the stairs dressed in a police officer’s uniform including badge, cuffs, mace, billyclub and gun. Later that morning as we came in for our daily visit, we were living out in the woods in our VW Van, Tom told us, “Man, I couldn’t believe it. She walks in dressed in full cop regalia. She smiles at me and says good morning. I almost choked! I asked her if this was some kind of joke. She told me no, that she had just become a cop. She only told people she was a secretary because nobody would like her if they knew she was a cop. She then asked me if I would have rented to her if I had known what she was. I told her not a chance. She told me it was good she lied to me because she really needed a place to live while she was going through her divorce. Then she said not to worry. She was cool with my smoking marijuana and my gambling. She made herself some breakfast and ate. She left telling me, “See ya tonight.”
I’ve been sitting here ever since trying to figure out what the hell I’m going to do.”
Kelly told him, “Sounds like you are fucked to me.”
I had to agree.
Tom said, “Yeah, don’t I know it. If I move out then I lose all the security deposit and the last months rent. If I tell her to move out she just might get pissed enough to have me busted. Then I’d still lose this place and all my money. I guess I’ll just have to try and live with her."
Kelly said, “Well Tom, if she’s living here then I sure ain’t coming around any more. Nothing personal, I just won’t have anything to do with cops.”
Tom looked real sad saying, “But we’re friends. Come on Kelly, it’s not that bad. Why, she’ll hardly even be her.”
I said, “Well then, we can come over when ever she’s not here. So from now on we’ll call before we come.” Kelly and Tom both said that sounded okay with them.
And for the first month everything did seem to go well. Debra was hardly ever there. She just came home to sleep and change clothes spending most of her days off with her ex and her kids, so the pot smoking, the poker games and Tom’s other salacious activities when on unhampered. But then Tom started getting harassing phone calls from creditors and local merchants with bad checks who were looking for Debra. Plus, she still hadn’t paid him any of her part of the security deposit and last months rent. Tom started bugging her about the money she owed him and for her to pay her bills because he certainly didn’t want to be hassled over them. Debra basically told him that she’d decided that she was not paying him any security deposit or last months rent, but she did give him a check for this month’s rent which was now due. She then told Tom to mind his own business about the bounced checks or she would have him arrested for drugs, gambling and morals violations. Now Tom was pissed. He told her to get the fuck out.
Debra just laughed in his face and told him, “We’ll see who has to get the fuck out.”
Within a week it starts. Tom tells us that now every 2 hours a cop car cruses very slowly past his house making a point to look in his front window. We ask him what’s he going to do. He doesn’t know.
I tell him, “Sorry Tom, but we ain’t coming’ over here any more. We’ll give you a call every day just to see what’s the haps, but if you want to hang out, your going to have to come to our camp.”
He says he understands.
Two days later we see him in town at the coffee shop by the college he hangs out in and where he picks up most of his cuties. He tells us he has a plan.
Last night he called Debra’s ex and had a long chat with him. It seems that the reason the hubby is divorcing Debra is because of all her bad debts. She’s maxed out all of her credit cards. She’s knowingly writing checks for which she has no funds. She’s still collecting AFDC and food stamps for the children and not bothering to tell welfare that not only does she have a job, but she no longer even has custody of the kids. He said he’d like to turn her in but he’s afraid it would jeopardize the divorce and child custody proceedings since she’s a cop. He also tells Tom that Debra has turned his name into the Narco Squad as a dope dealer and that’s why the cops are watching him. He wishes Tom good luck then asks Tom not to call him again because if Debra found out then she might make trouble for him.
We ask Tom what’s his plan.
He says, “First I’m going down to Social Services and turning her welfare cheating ass in. That should really get her in trouble since that’s a federal beef. Then I’m calling the Narc’s and turning myself in. If they got any evidence against me then they can come and arrest me. If not, then they can just fuck off. Don’t forget, I have very rich grandparents who love me. If I get busted you can bet your ass they will get me the best lawyer in the state.”
Kelly and I laugh. What a pair of balls, we wish him luck.
A week later Tom comes out to our camp. He’s bought himself an old VW Bus that’s in pretty good shape and, he tells us, he’s moving into it. We ask about Debra, the Narc’s and the townhouse.
He tells us the story. “Well, after I saw you guys I went straight to Social Services and ratted the bitch out. They were very interested and asked if I’d sign a complaint against her and testify in court if I was needed. I told them damn straight I would. They had me come back the next day and talk to their chief investigator. He had me sign some papers and said that he would look into it. The next morning I called the cop shop and asked to talk to the head Narc. I told him who I was and about my trouble with Debra. Then I asked him if they had a warrant for my arrest. He said no, they were just watching me. I asked him how we could negate the situation. He told me if I would allow 2 of his men to search my house immediately, then that would satisfy him. But he warned me, if his boys found anything, then my ass was going in to the can. I told him to bring them on because it was better being busted than being scared. Also, I knew that I didn’t have anything lying around the house. Ever since that bitch had threatened me I’ve kept the place pretty clean. Anyway, less than 10 minutes later a cop car pulls up and 2 regular cops get out. I answer the door and before they even come in they again inform me that if they find anything then I am going to jail. I tell them they have my permission to search the premises."
"They enter and proceed to tear the place apart. As their working I ask them if they know about all the shit Debra is pulling. They say, yeah they know. I ask how she can get away with that crap. They tell me the new police chief is a woman and she wants more women on the force so...”
“An hour later they found a small pipe and an almost empty baggie with less that 2 grams of pot in it. They gave me a receipt for it and left saying I’d be contacted shortly. Not wanting to wait, the next day I called the head Narc. He told me he had turned the pot over to the DA and now as far as he was concerned, the investigation of me was over. However, he did warn me about the weekly poker games saying that if money was involved then they were illegal, and he said, if they ever found out that I had sex with anyone under the age of 18, then I would for sure be going to jail. I then called the DA. He told me that even though there was enough pot for him to charge me, it wasn’t worth his time to prosecute me. As long as I didn’t get into any more trouble then he was finished with me. I ask him about Debra. Did he know about the welfare fraud and the bad checks? He said he did, but that wasn’t any of my business.”
“Wow man, you were really lucky.” was all Kelly and I could say.
“Don’t I know it.” Tom answers, then, “But I lost the townhouse and all my deposits.”
We ask how that happened.
Tom says, “That very afternoon the landlord comes over and says he heard that cops had been there. And by the way, did I know that Debra’s rent check had bounced so that only half the rent is paid? Well, he sees not only the mess the cops made but the rug the cats clawed up and the woodwork the dog chewed up. He told me I had two weeks to get out or he’d call the cops and have them evict me, then he’d sue me for any damage the security deposit didn’t cover. I called my grandma and told her what happened. She wired me the grand that I bought this bus with, so until I can find another cheap place, I’m homeless just like you guys.”
I asked him what happened to Debra.
He said, “Fuck if I know or care. That bitch is out of my life and that’s good enough for me. Of course, if they ask me to testify against her for the welfare fraud I most certainly will. I would really love to see her lose her job, her kids and go to prison for a long long time, but right now I’m just happy to be out of it.”
After a couple weeks later Tom found another cheap shack to rent a few miles out of town.
Kelly and I were friends with Tom for years afterward visiting him whenever we passed through Oregon. Then one day he moved to Colorado and we haven’t heard form him since. But who knows, maybe one day...