Chapter Five – What Makes People Choose Infidelity As An Option For Relationship Correction?
This is not exactly the same as asking the ‘oh so famous question of why do people cheat?’ This is more asking the question of why do people decide to cheat in an attempt to fix their relationships? Now as everybody with half an ounce of common sense should already know, there is no one answer for this question which will suffice for everybody or for every situation. And even if there were, people still would not accept it because infidelity cannot be explained with a one word answer or one sentence explanation. People, no matter how much they lie about it, need to have a full and complete understanding of why the act occurred. They need to be confident in knowing the one thing, which everybody who has been involved in an infidelity situation wants to know – and that is that they had little to no responsibility in causing the indiscretion. What people will say when the act of infidelity occurs is that they desire nothing more than distance from the one who initiated the act. A few of them may say that they desire revenge. But the overwhelming majority wants to know the not always so simple question of why. Think about something; when a person gets caught in the act of cheating, whether they get caught in the actual act or whether it is months or years later, the first thing they want to know is why and this is because like everything else in life, if an individual does his or her best at something, he or she will expect that the end result will be positive. They will not expect to work hard and have whatever endeavor they are undertaking fail. They will wonder why because as stated above, they want to make sure that they are in the clear as far as being able to say that the relationship ended because of them. People choose infidelity for a myriad of reasons, when it comes to relationship correction, the least being unhappiness in the sex department. But while we are here let’s focus on that reason for a second. It is no secret that many people get involved with others for every reason under the sun except for what I believe the only reason should be and that is love. It is also no secret that people remain in these relationships because while they do not provide everything that the other is looking for they do provide certain relationship amenities that the other cannot do without. There are in certain instances where the lovemaking is not stellar or not as stellar as one or both of the parties may be used to and instead of going the traditional route of working together to make the sex better for both, the participants will go the selfish route and make it better for themselves. This is one of the reasons infidelity is perpetrated. When it comes to some relationships, many people will base their relationships on little more than how good or how frequent the sex is. Some will even base the potential relationship on the prospect of how good the sex might be. They will not count the fact that the man or woman they are involved with is a good person, an honest person or even a God fearing person. All that will matter is the fact that there is a whole lotta sex going on. This should give much insight into the mindset of the people in some relationships. Now being that sex is given such a high degree of importance in the relationship, quite often the participants in the relationship are led to believe that to make the relationship better or fix any problems in the relationship all that’s needed is more sex with the significant other or more sex with somebody new. This is what’s called a quick fix or more commonly, a band aid. Sex with somebody new will many times make an individual feel better and in the case of people who are already in a relationship, it may temporarily quell the unhappiness that one or both parties are experiencing. This is because when a new person is introduced, quite often that new person will introduce new sexual techniques and ideas to the cheating partner that he or she may introduce to the significant other. But note again that this is a temporary fix. Just like drugs and alcohol, once the ‘high’ from the stimulation goes away, the problem, which required the indulgence will still be there. In the case of somebody new, unless it is a case of one dealing with a sex worker, or someone who is just giving their body away for free and without commitment, there will always be problems – and nine times out of ten those problems come in the form of feelings. From my experience I have noticed that people are not really accustomed to the before, during and after of relationships. I mean they do know some basic things, which go on like for instance that in the initial stages of a relationship there is almost always a period of insecurity. And sometimes these people will give the insecurity label to anything that goes on in the relationship that they do not fully know the answer to. They also know that in the during phase they will go through all types of feelings including the flurry of emotions from happy to sad to mad and back to happy again. They are even aware that when a relationship is over, it is commonplace to become upset – not at the fact that the relationship is over but upset at the other party. But the one thing that people are not really used to when it comes to relationships is the fact that a relationship is like any other venture in life. It needs to be practiced before an individual can excel at it. The one overused example, which I really hate to overuse anymore, is the comparison about a relationship being like a job but this comparison is so true. The ratio of people securing a job and excelling at that particular job without having any prior training in that job is about the same as somebody who has never driven or been trained in the art of driving, getting into a vehicle that they have never seen before and successfully driving that vehicle without having any accidents. Slim to none. Now focusing on this example for a second, it should be stated that an individual can do well at a position if that position is one where the employee is told everything that he or she needs to do and that employee does it each and every time he or she is told to do it. The only difference with this and relationships is that in a relationship nobody wants to be told what to do to make the relationship better and almost nobody wants to be the one to keep telling another what to do to achieve the same goal – except for maybe a few of the women I’ve dated lol! What people do not always want to realize is that they need training when it comes to getting and keeping a good job and not only that, they need to continually update their skills to maintain the job that they do have. This is the exact same thing with relationships. The only problem is that people feel a relationship is the one thing in life that needs no work or instruction. They feel that just like many people who have perpetually low paying jobs and many NYC cab drivers they can just get in a car and drive or just start with no skills and work forever and be happy. This is the problem. People don’t usually realize that relationships need instruction until after problems enter the relationship. They don’t realize that relationships, no matter how well they may seem to be going in the beginning stages will eventually need to be worked on just to maintain the happiness which was readily available in the beginning stages. In other words, the parties will have to reinvent what it is that makes each other happy. In other words, just like the job they will have to study and learn more about the position just to keep the same position.
When people choose infidelity as a fixer of relationship problems, it many times shows how much value or importance is placed on several aspects of the relationship. It shows that communication is not that high on the totem pole because as with any successful relationship, that should be the first if not only option. It shows that sex is given a higher precedence over any possible cure and it also shows that sex was a foundation layer in the beginning of the relationship. By foundation layer I am referring to how some people will have sex in the beginning of a relationship and believe that the other enjoyed it so much that if any problems were to ever occur later on in the relationship, the sex or memory of the sex would fix it right up. We all know this is bullshit but more than the fact that it is bullshit is the fact and proof that many initiate their relationships on misconstrued priorities. Everything in this world starts. No that is not a fragment of a sentence I forgot to finish, it is exactly what I meant to say. Everything starts. What many people do not seem to want to understand is the fact that everything that starts, continues and ends. These people also do not always seem to understand that when it comes to things like relationships, how they are started is often a good indicator of how they are going to continue and end. And by this I do not mean that if they start out happy they will continue on that path, I mean if a relationship has a foundation where it is accustomed and not only accustomed but mandatory to speak to one another during happy times as well as sad, good times as well as those dealing with adversity, then there will more than likely never be a situation where there is a lack of communication. There will more than likely never be a situation of ‘wow, I never saw that coming!’ When a child is born, for that child to be an intelligent, productive and responsible member of society, he or she must be groomed from day one. The child must be read to, the child must be nurtured and the child must be shown love so that he or she can do and return these things to others. The child may still become an intelligent, responsible and productive individual if the parents wait for the educational system and everybody else to teach him the things that they could have at home but if this child is delayed with receiving these things as opposed to a child that receives them well in advance of the other, which one would you say will have a better chance at success? The same holds true for relationships. People can wait to fix a problem after the fact but the most successful relationships I have seen always seem to take a proactive role in weeding out and eliminating problems before they occur. There may be thousands of reasons why the act of infidelity occurs but one of the best ways I know of to fix this scourge is by prevention. If at the beginning of relationships, people talk to each other about those issues, which really matter – those issues, which can basically end a relationship if they were to ever come about, such as the issue of infidelity, more relationships would last. If a person were to ask the man or woman they were in a relationship with or contemplating being in a relationship with what would they do if infidelity was to ever become a part of the relationship, and that person were to answer truthfully, the other would have a great deal of insight as to how the other would possibly handle adversity. But remember I said truthfully. Many people will lie just to pacify the significant other or potential significant other. Many times these people will say things like ‘I will never cheat on you’ or they will say things like ‘if I do cheat I will come and tell you because my love for you is too strong’ or ‘my conscience is too weak to hide such a secret as that’ but here is the thing that helps these people commit infidelity; all of these things are either lies or things which can be done after the fact. The only thing that an individual in a relationship or an individual contemplating a relationship should be hearing or accepting when it comes to relationships is that the other will always be open and honest to talk about any and everything that goes on in his or her life. This means that if somebody at the job flirts a little too much, it should be discussed. This means that if one person in the relationship feels that they are having either an emotional connection with someone else or they are having a physical attraction with someone else, it too should be discussed. The big problem in relationships is the fact that everybody is afraid to hurt the feelings of the one they are interested in or involved in a relationship with. They feel that when they are in a relationship, there is no more being attracted to another person. They feel that they must have tunnel vision to their partner in regard to every other member of the human race. This is ludicrous. However, this is what people are expected to do in relationships. Now here’s the crazy thing about this expectation: it is not a reasonable expectation nor is it even a feasible one. This is why relationships are going to continue to fail at the rate they often do. Some people are too sensitive. They feel that just because the significant other expresses interest in another person, that that interest has to be sexual. There is no superlative when it comes to a person’s appearance. There is no superlative when it comes to a person’s physique. What this means is that there will always be somebody who looks better than the one someone is involved with. This means that there will always be someone who has bigger biceps or a fatter or smaller, well proportioned booty (depending on your preference) than the significant other. As stated above, people need to talk about how they intend on responding to future adversity. They need to talk about how they have responded to it before. They need to talk about each experience they have in the relationship and outside of the relationship because when secrets and the hiding of things just to make the other like them more or feel good begin, the relationship will be on the decline all the way to termination.
Another reason people decide to cheat when problems occur in a relationship is because many times they do not consider the relationship as a traditional relationship. It is very easy for this scenario to come into play because many people have different interpretations of what a relationship means to them. A lot of women will surmise that a relationship is initiated before sex and solidified once the sex takes place. A lot of men will believe that a sexual relationship is in place once the sex has been had but as far as an actual relationship, this will not come about until there is a discussion and acceptance of before they call it a relationship. In most successful relationships – no scratch that. In any successful relationship, whenever a problem occurs, the most important thing and the most often done thing is the communicating of the problem to the other party. One person in a relationship cannot fix a problem between the two if the other is unaware that there is a problem or if the other is unwilling to help fix the problem. But this is often confusing because when people are involved in relationships that they are not in complete agreement of the fact that they are in a relationship, they will rarely feel that the other is worthy of communication. This is basically the prostitute and the john philosophy. Many guys who patronize these types of businesses do so for (besides the obvious reason of sexual intercourse) the complete freedom from commitment and the not having to talk about anything that they do not want to – something that is almost impossible to do in a regular relationship. But getting back to people’s interpretations of relationships – just imagine if you were in a relationship with somebody that you absolutely loved, worshipped, couldn’t do without and all that good stuff but there was only one thing keeping you away from complete happiness, and that thing was sex. And you met up with somebody who just so happened to provide you with the best sex you ever had. And not only that but you made it explicitly clear (or so you thought) to this person that you were involved a relationship that you had no intention of leaving. This person expressed acknowledgement and understanding and acceptance. But here comes the strange part – this person completely flips out because he or she sees you with your significant other. This person accuses you of cheating because he or she believed that you and him or her were together in a relationship capacity and now they believe that you have violated their trust because you didn’t immediately leave your significant other for them. I know that the above is a tad bit off the topic but I feel it is something that needs to be said. Many people will let their mistaken interpretations fuel their idea of what their relationship status is. This is a big problem. It is a problem because they, thinking you cheated on them may try and cause you or your significant other bodily harm. Trust me, I have been in this situation more times than I care to share. The bottom line here is that people do not consider cheating, cheating if they are not in a relationship with the other person. Its like I can’t be accused of armed robbery if I don’t have a weapon. Cheating in this respect is up to an individual’s interpretation of what the actual level of commitment is. In other words, if I only consider you a sex partner, then having relations with someone else is doing nothing more than enjoying sex with another sex partner.
Another one of the reasons infidelity is perpetrated is because of the belief that one party does not have enough of a hold on the other – or because one party gives the other too much freedom. Now when you examine this from a somewhat logical perspective, it is kinda understandable because when you give someone free range to do whatever they want, it will be totally up to that individual whether or not he or she decides to be faithful. But – if infidelity were to occur because of this scenario, the blame would be primarily on the one who committed the indiscretion, not the other way around. And the reason why is because whether a person has a leash on them (not literally) or not, that person still should be expected to exercise some self restraint. This is basically the same thing with the free will that all people are born with. We can do whatever it is that we want to do, it’s a perk of being human, but at the same time we must not only be able to differentiate between right and wrong, we must also choose the most productive option because we are aware of the potential and actual ramifications of our actions. Now on the same note, a person in a relationship cannot just give the other all the freedoms that he or she may desire because this may be confused with that person not caring at all about what the other does. Think about it: if a person in a relationship were to say honey I’m going to the strip club on Monday. And then that person was to say honey I’m going out again on Tuesday. And this person were to continue this pattern every night of the week, even if the person was not doing anything sexual, the thought would be lingering that he or she was – and not only that, the one who is left home might just use that lingering thought as reason to respond to infidelity – even if it was never proven. But all of this goes back to two things: 1) people not being completely open and honest about what they truly desire and are willing to accept in the beginning of relationships and 2) allowing society to dictate what a couple’s relationship is or isn’t. Another way the air of non concern could be established is by one partner in the relationship having too close a connection with the opposite sex, as in having random pictures in the cell phone, wallet or purse and the significant other knowing about it but not doing or saying anything about it. This by itself will rarely make another cheat but it will generate the thought in the other’s mind that something derogatory is going on or something more than what actually is going on is going on. Many people respond to the thought of infidelity rather than the actual act of infidelity because of two main reasons. The first is because they don’t always know what actual infidelity is as opposed to a situation which resembles it and the second is because they want to protect their hearts from the pain that infidelity is sure to cause provided they are right about the act actually being infidelity. The most common ways people protect themselves are by exiting the relationship and or cheating before they have complete proof that a transgression actually occurred.