Chapter Six – Does Infidelity Always Mean The End Of Your Relationship?
One cannot honestly speak of the topic of infidelity without examining the barnacle like hypocrisy, which comes along with the act. This hypocrisy, while unspoken, states that the act of infidelity is the determining factor in whether a relationship should end or whether it should be allowed to continue. This is not how relationships are supposed to be. At the risk of sounding as if I am going against all major higher powers, I believe that a true relationship, one where there is open communication and constant growth can successfully get past this type of adversity if there is actual forgiveness, (not the kind where you forgive somebody for an indiscretion, then bring it up three weeks later and start an argument because of it) an understanding of why the act occurred and a willingness to change the behavior, which caused the initial indiscretion. Some religions believe that if the act of infidelity is committed, then that would be reason enough for the marriage to be considered over. It is clearly stated in the Ten Commandments for example as commandment number…well I forgot – but anyway it is a mortal sin according to Christianity. (If my Catholic schoolteacher could see me now!) Now it is true that many people who catch their significant others cheating immediately want out of the relationship but does it mean that they have to want out of the relationship? Many people are under the impression that infidelity is the one thing to which there is no retribution. Many married people or those in deep, serious committed type relationships believe that once an individual indulges in the act of infidelity, then that individual has lost any and every resemblance to a person deserving of forgiveness. But yet and still these people will swear up and down, left and right that they are in love. For those of you who may not know, love for an individual is not based on any one action. People can love what you do but that does not mean they love you as a person or that they are in love with you. The same thing goes for the opposite end of the spectrum. People will not hate others because they have done one bad thing to them unless of course it is one of the few things, which would qualify an individual for capital punishment. Aside from that, they will or may hate the particular action but that in no way means that they despise the human being. Many people have a difficult time separating the two. What many people have a bad habit of doing is placing so much value and emphasis on one specific act in a relationship, that everything else in the relationship does not matter. This is not love. Love is not based on one particular act – okay wait, maybe that is not entirely true. Love is not supposed to be based on one particular act but that is how a lot of people classify love. Many of these people feel that if somebody wants to marry you, then the only possible reason is because they love you. Many people feel that if the sex is good, rather great, then there is definitely love in the air. And here’s the big one: many people feel that if a person speaks with his or her mouth the words I love you that they are categorically and undeniably true. We all know or should know that that is not true. Love, rather true love is unconditional. This means that once a couple unites, love will assist that couple in overcoming every problem that they may have. Or so is the dream. Almost everybody in a relationship knows what unconditional means and the majority of these people throw the word around every chance they get especially when it comes to describing their love for one another. But less than half of these people who know the meaning and who throw the word around every chance they get actually put it to use when it comes to their relationships – especially when those relationships involve infidelity. When infidelity becomes a part of most relationships, one of the first things that the innocent party in the affair desires to do is exit the relationship. Some innocent parties desire to do bodily harm to the guilty party first and then exit the relationship. And some innocent parties just can’t wait to get their hands on a member of the opposite sex so that they can quote, unquote show the guilty party how it feels to be betrayed. These are feelings, which are found in the majority of relationships these days. Are these feelings normal? Of course they are. Are these feelings right? Of course they are not. What these feelings show is an immediate need for retaliation. This is not uncommon, especially with the ‘if somebody hits you, hit them back’ philosophy that many children are instilled with. When people, especially people in relationships do not respond in a manner, which is accepted or expected by most, they will be thought of as being used or worst case scenario, weak. And according to society, it is almost a mortal sin to be used by another person – especially if that person is someone you are in a relationship with. But here’s the hypocrisy, being used for something in a relationship is part of all relationships. A person in a relationship cannot say you’re not using me for my money or you’re not using me just for sex and the reason why is because when people are in a relationship these things that others will interpret as a person using another is little more than two people doing what’s necessary for the relationship to continue. A person in a relationship cannot say I’m gonna get all the sex I want for free and I’m never giving this one any money or I can go to this one’s house and eat up her food and never have to buy anything because it just doesn’t work like that. People on the outside may say that a person in a relationship is being used but if one were to look deeper he or she would see that for every action there is a reaction. When a person gets all the sex he wants without making a commitment or marrying the one who is providing the physical pleasure it could be because the one providing the physical pleasure could have all the bills paid and could be receiving a weekly stipend from the other. This is the part of using a person that people outside of a relationship don’t see. The part that they most often do see is when a person gets cheated on and they let the cheater get away with their indiscretion with only minor consequences – or they let the cheater get away with no consequences at all. Forgiving somebody and continuing on in the relationship after they have cheated is a prime example of doing just that. Many people will feel that if you let somebody get away with cheating on you without providing that individual with severe and unforgettable ramifications, then that individual has used you to the extreme but as stated before this is what forgiving somebody and moving on with the relationship exactly entails. Unfortunately people seem to have these excellent theories on how life should go for them and everybody else. If anybody deviates from what the majority of people’s theories dictate, then the deviating party or parties are wrong. This goes back to people not getting involved with others because they are in love or because they want to pursue a relationship with somebody. This is people doing exactly what other people want them to do. Ever hear the saying majority rules? Well that doesn’t just apply to voting. The majority is the determining factor in many people’s lives. And here’s a prime example of that: how many times do you ever see one person going against the many as opposed to forgoing their own opinions and desires just to keep the peace? This is why many times the ramifications of infidelity are not based on the two people involved in the relationship but on everybody else’s opinions, comments and past involvements with those who may or may not have committed infidelity themselves or on the opinions of those who have been on the receiving end of an affair. Infidelity does not always mean the end of a relationship. What it does mean is that the present relationship has indeed changed. It means that the relationship has reached a point where the couple has to examine what caused the infidelity, what needs to be done to get past the infidelity and what especially needs to be done so that the infidelity has little chance of happening again. To get past infidelity, people have to look at those who have dealt with it before, recovered from it and rebuilt their relationships and use their rebuilding techniques as an example. People cannot follow behind those who say ‘yea, I caught that motherfucker cheating and I threw his lying ass out!’ and things of that nature because it’s obvious that these people have not exactly gotten past the indiscretion. These people are still in the midst of what one could call the mad stage. Now I do not mean to imply that there won’t be anger based on the infidelity, I am just saying that an individual does not have to permanently live inside the anger of being cheated on and the other who did the cheating does not have to permanently live in fear of what action the one he or she cheated on will take as revenge. If the reason or reasons for why infidelity occurred are explored, and not only explored but also corrected and removed from the family dynamic, then they will have a much smaller chance at resurfacing and causing a problem again. I emphasized the word reasons because sometimes when a couple is searching for why a transgression has occurred, they will grab and focus on the first reason as the only reason for the infidelity. Many times infidelity is a multi faceted entity. It is almost never ‘she didn’t have sex with me so I decided to cheat’ as the only reason for someone cheating. In a situation as above, the reason(s) could be that the individual who cheated valued sex more than anything else in the relationship, combined with the fact that she refused to submit to that person’s desires and also combined with the fact that that particular individual did not possess the strength to suppress his or her animal desires. In a situation such as this or in situations, which are nowhere near this in resemblance, the one thing, which is needed more than anything else is communication. People in relationships have to talk to one another before during and after. This means that they must talk before they become involved in an adultery situation about what they would do should they ever become involved in an adultery situation. People must talk to each other during an adultery situation and this is the most difficult of the three to do because nine times out of ten, when adultery is going on, the innocent party is almost completely unaware. They may have feelings that something is going on but there is almost never confirmation. Once the innocent party becomes aware of the adultery situation, he or she needs to talk with the other about how they are going to get past this adultery situation. And finally, the couple needs to talk after the adultery situation has been corrected because if there is a one time correction without making sure that the one who cheated is not falling into the patterns of behavior which led him or her to commit the indiscretion in the first place, there will be a greater chance at the indiscretion repeating itself. This is much like what they do in many alcohol and drug recovery groups or even the penal system. In regard to the drugs and alcohol, people do not just treat you and let you go, they have ongoing support, which will prevent an individual from falling into those old habits and associations, which may make it easier to fall back into the pattern of addiction. In regard to the penal system, there is this thing of parole. This is a program, which will provide support for the newly released individual to stay on the right track – and this is done by contact with those who are intended to help as opposed to contact with those who are more likely to land the newly released individual back behind bars. Unfortunately, the problem – rather the main problem that many couples in this world have is that they do not communicate completely and freely with their significant others. They communicate somewhat or they communicate to the significant other only what they think that he or she should know while reserving the rest of the communication for the girlfriends or parents or friends or bartenders. When infidelity approaches, the people who are going to be affected by it most are the ones who need to talk about it and for those of you who may not know, the ones who will be affected by it most are the committed couple. The one who is used for the infidelity is more than likely just trying to get his or her rocks off and more than likely won’t give half a damn about what happens to the relationship of the committed couple after the boinking session is over – unless of course the boinking session was great and he or she wants to boink some more. The committed couple will be affected because they will be the ones who will have to decide if they can make the relationship work after the indiscretion. They will be the ones who will have to decide whether or not they are capable of trusting the guilty party again. Any relationship book or book on infidelity will tell you that to rebuild after an affair, couples need to talk about what caused the affair, how it made the parties feel and will probably give trust building exercises to strengthen the bond between the two which was weakened due to the affair but few will actually tell you that you have to understand that people are not perfect. People will fail at something in this world. Sometimes people will fail at employment. Sometimes people will fail at interpersonal relations. The thing, which these people do not know is that for success in life, education is mandatory. If a person does not know how to do something, that person will most assuredly fail at that particular venture. Take for instance the thing about school – from grade one to grade twelve, students are taught things which are supposed to help them excel or if not excel, then at least compete on a even level regarding life. They are taught how to count, they are taught how to read and they are taught how to weed out deception in daily life. All of these lessons are to ensure that people have a comfortable and productive life while interacting among the masses. Now here comes the bullshit: in all of the curriculums I have seen, I have yet to notice any one, which deals with relationships. If people are taught how to excel in reading, mathematics and other things to help them through daily life, chances are they will do well at these things depending upon the level of the teachings. So how is it then that people who are not taught how to exist in relationships are expected to excel in them? Crazy right? Life is a learning process. I was always taught that until the day you die, you are learning – or at least you should be. But it seems that when it comes to certain relationships, people do not want to learn anything, they do not want to talk to and enlighten the one they are in a relationship with, they just expect this individual to already know everything – like it’s supposed to be embedded in the person’s DNA or something. This is one of the reasons why peoples’ relationships will continue to fail at almost astronomical rates. Nobody talks about what’s important anymore. People in relationships talk about movies, they talk about current events, they even talk about their favorite sex positions but rarely if ever do they talk about things like what will happen if one or both cannot have sex anymore. They just feel as though if that situation were to ever arise, they would handle it at that time and more likely than not, they would just be able to forget about sex as if it were never an issue in the relationship at all. They rarely if ever talk about what will happen if infidelity occurs, other than to say ‘I’ll cut your dick off’ or ‘I’ll leave you!’ This is hypocrisy at its finest because to get into a relationship, people have to communicate. So why is it then that once the relationship is initiated, people act like they forget how? If people made promises to each other to always talk about any and everything which occurs in the relationship – whether it is good or bad, there would be no such things as debilitating, relationship ending, secrets. If people made promises to always talk, then couples would know when infidelity was approaching and not only that, they would know what steps to take to effectively circumvent it – or at least know that they need to take certain steps to prevent it from occurring. If people made promises to talk about whatever happens, especially infidelity, and kept those promises, I believe that the scourge of infidelity could be eradicated rather quickly. But this will never happen because people have a habit of trying to protect their significant others from things that they may not be able to handle. They try not to make them upset – in other words they will lie so as to soften the blow. This is what’s called a band aid, or a temporary fix. Infidelity does not always mean the end of a relationship but it needs to be fully examined, corrected and stomped out so that there is little chance, if any at all, of it returning. If more people were to make a strong plan for dealing with the potential adversity, which may come during their relationship and stick with that plan, I believe that their relationships can bounce back from infidelity stronger than ever. Now not to beat a dead horse but this is basically a recap of what I touched on in chapter four, It All Starts With The Basics. People in relationships need to communicate. They need to talk when they first get involved and not only that; they need to be able to keep that level of communication going all throughout the relationship. They need to know in the beginning of the relationship that the person they are involving themselves with will not only be the kind of man or woman to talk only when times are going well. They must learn quickly whether or not this person is the type to welcome adversity or run from it. If they are the latter, it is a very good to excellent chance that the relationship will not be one which will last.
One last note about the infidelity as a determining factor thing: As we all know, infidelity is one of the major causes, if not the most major cause of people in relationships exiting those relationships. It is the one thing, which people will not hesitate to say ‘everything else in the relationship does not matter – I’m leaving!’ But the thing about infidelity is the fact that it is the only thing on the scale of relationship infractions, which has this type of power. People can argue about bills for years upon years but they will still stay together. People will argue about the best way to take care of the kids or how the kids have been taken care of but they will still stay together. People will argue about the most trifling and illogical things imaginable but they will still stay together. However when it comes to infidelity, it is believed that there is no getting past that issue while continuing on in the relationship. And the reasons for this feeling are often valid and varied. Some people feel that when a person deals with another outside of the relationship there is a greater chance for sexually transmitted diseases to enter into the union. This is a very valid concern but from my experience – no, not from me cheating but from my experience with those that have cheated, I find that the cheaters often attempt to take every precaution necessary not to bring anything home to the significant other. And this is because while they do desire something new in the form of sexual excitement, they do not desire an entirely new relationship, which is almost guaranteed to happen if someone comes home with a STD. Some people feel that when infidelity becomes an issue in a relationship, it is because the significant other who has initiated the infidelity wants out of the relationship. In addition, there is the concern that he or she has formed an attraction to the one who was involved in the relationship. This is also a valid concern but again it is rarely the case. People will cheat for almost as many reasons as there are for getting into a committed relationship in the first place. The fact that someone decides to cheat does not mean that he or she in any way loves the individual that they may have cheated with. It means that this person cheated for a reason or reasons, which have not been but need to be fully explored. The problem with people inside of a relationship using infidelity as a determining factor as to whether the relationship should continue is bad enough but what is really damaging is the fact that people outside the relationship will do the same. They will judge somebody’s happiness or unhappiness based on whether or not cheating has been a part of that relationship. And what really makes this thing so bad is the fact that people have a very nasty habit of not being able to keep their damned mouths closed and opinions to themselves. What they often do once they find out that infidelity has been a part of somebody’s relationship is talk to other people about the couple that has had to deal with it. Then we all know what happens; the people who told others about the one couple’s infidelity situation tells the ones they told not to tell anybody else. They don’t listen. They end up telling somebody else and they tell them the same thing as the first but they don’t listen either and the next thing you know, this couple’s problem with infidelity has been magnified and compounded beyond all logical chances at repair all because people like to talk. This causes pressure. This causes pressure because everybody who now knows what’s going on will be offering their opinions on what the couple should do to fix their relationship. And here’s the thing: most of these people who talk and are so willing to give advice on what this couple should do will rarely provide options which entail staying together and working through the problem. They will say things to the effect of ‘you should leave that bastard’ or ‘you should give her a taste of her own medicine.’ Trust me when I tell you that I’ve seen it happen a thousand times. People do not usually like to go against the norm when it comes to most things in life so just imagine how hard it will be to resist the overwhelming pressure of everybody and their mother telling someone what to do when it comes to infidelity. From my experience and interrogation, most times when a couple has to deal with a bout of infidelity, the most often piece of advice I have seen and heard doled out is the one of what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. In other words, if one person in the relationship feels that it’s okay to cheat, then it must be equally okay for the other to do the same. Now I am the probably the last person in the world who would be qualified to give out sermons on forgiveness but when people are in such a vulnerable state as that of just breaking up or going through a trying time such as infidelity, they are more easily swayed to doing something negative like revenge cheating. They are even more apt to indulge in it if there is an undue amount of pressure coming from the side of so called friends. As stated earlier in this chapter, forgiveness is something, which is mandatory for the relationship to get back on the right track. I believe it is something, which runs neck and neck with understanding why the indiscretion occurred in the first place. Once there is an understanding of why the cheating occurred and there is actual forgiveness, then I believe that people can get on the road to continuing on in the relationship. People have to realize and remember that it was not one thing, which caused the relationship to be born and as such, it will not be one thing to make the relationship dissipate either.