Chapter Seven – Signs of Infidelity
Many of the signs, which point to a significant other being unfaithful, are not signs in the traditional sense at all. Now most people with half an ounce of common sense already know about the most popular seven or ten signs which characterize a cheater or somebody who is planning to be unfaithful – and a few of these are: becoming distant, paying more attention to ones’ appearance, change in attitude or activities. But the question I have is what about friends? People don’t always realize that friends who are legitimately friends are most often the ones who become lovers, whether those lovers are single or already in a relationship. Good friends know much about each other. Sometimes they even know more than the significant other in the relationship. This is normal. It is not good but it is normal. What is not normal is the fact that because these friends have such an attraction to one another, the significant other often realizes this and figures that any and every interaction between the friends will never be anything more than friendship based interactions. But here’s the bad thing: since friends often know so much about one another, they can use that knowledge to evade the suspicions and watchful eye of the significant other, should the friendship ever take that leap to the next level. Friends have the best readymade excuses when it comes to infidelity because if ever questioned by a suspicious significant other, all the cheating parties would have to say is something to the effect of ‘that’s my friend, I love him or her like a brother or sister. I would never have a relationship with them!’ This is player protocol 101. Since anybody in a healthy and progressive relationship knows that to keep the relationship alive, both parties in that relationship need friends, they often let the significant other hang out with the friend without question. But what happens when that friendship attraction turns into an overwhelming attraction, which then turns into the friends sleeping with one another? That is what people have to be on the lookout for. Because infidelity is an infraction, which has the potential to end a relationship as well an individual’s life, it is rarely one, which is committed without extreme planning and covertness. People who are in a relationship and cheating on the significant other will almost never make it seem like they are doing so. Friends who are cheating will almost be in such a comfort zone that they will not have to act surprised or uncomfortable when the significant other is around – unless of course they get caught in the sexual act. And this is how sexual adulterous friendships are able to be carried on for years at a time. It is more than just cheating, where a person goes and sneaks off to do the do, then return back to the relationship all the while hoping that he or she does not do anything, which will give off the fact that he or she has committed an indiscretion. This is an actual relationship, which has been in place many times before the relationship between the cheater and the significant other. This is a relationship where the sex act is not something dirty. It is just a part of the second relationship the same way the sex act is a part of the first.
The thing about infidelity is that when it comes to signs, there are few if any textbooks clues, which will definitely determine a cheater and this is because everybody sometimes does things, which can be interpreted by another as infidelity. For instance: there is the thing of change. Change is a big one when it comes to the exposing of infidelity. This change can be in a person’s attitude or activities. Most people will instantly assume that infidelity is the cause but what about a negative employment situation? People don’t always realize that when a job is in jeopardy, it will cause stress. People don’t always realize that when a person is fearful of something, whether that fear is due to a pending eviction or due to an actual person, it will cause stress. That stress may many times manifest itself into mood swings, not wanting to have sexual relations with the significant other and much, much more. You see, many people in relationships do not always talk to each other the way they should. Sometimes these people rarely communicate at all. They let their interpretation of things, which happen in the relationship, dictate the course of the relationship. If one party acts like he or she is cheating or is exuding signs, which have proved infidelity in another’s relationship, then nine times out of ten, these people will assume that there is cheating going on in their relationship. This is good but it is also confusing. As mentioned above, change is a big one when it comes to how people interpret some of the signs of infidelity but this is confusing because many people forget about the massive deception in the cheating world, which will cause an individual to remain normal. Normalcy is always overlooked when it comes to deciphering whether or not someone is cheating. And this is because people are so into this every cheater changes somewhat when he or she is cheating thing. Now it is true that in many instances of infidelity and the time surrounding the act and even the time following the act, there will be periods of nervousness, uncertainty or even distancing from the significant other, that many perceptive significant others may easily be able to pick up on. But what is not realized is that many philanderers, especially those who are experienced, will utilize every trick, tactic or method that they can think of to make sure that absolutely nothing in the relationship seems different. Infidelity is not just committed by two people doing the mattress mambo, and then going back to their relationships as if nothing happened. Nowadays infidelity is an art. People plan for indiscretions. They enlist the help of accomplices. They even make it seem that if the indiscretion were to ever go wrong, they would blame the indiscretion on the significant other. All of these are in place before the actual act takes place. Normalcy causes people to become complacent. It causes people to believe that nothing is ever going to change. It is what causes people not to look for signs of infidelity and why? It’s because people have been conditioned to believe that if a significant other never gives me reason to look for wrongdoing, then why would I? This is how infidelity goes on for as long as it does. As long as people are comfortable, they will usually never leave that area of comfort. I really hate to be the one to disrupt anybody’s silver cloud lining interpretation of what a happy and productive relationship is but the way I got caught and the way I caught others in compromising situations was by detective playing when there really wasn’t any need. People used to check my phone and find pictures. I used to check theirs and find the same and more. There were incriminating text messages to and fro. There were many things which had been going on which would have never been found out had neither of us taken the initiative to snoop. People do things because they are placed in a false sense of security. They do things because they think that the significant other will never look through a wallet or phone or purse. And the sad truth is that this is how many relationships are lived. Now I am not suggesting that anybody reading this just go and possibly mess up the blissfully ignorant deception which may be going on in their relationship by checking the significant others wallet, purse or cell phone. I am suggesting that an individual, especially an individual in a relationship never allow himself to be in such a state of perpetual ignorance that he will not notice infidelity happening in front of his face.
Another thing, which often causes people to jump on the infidelity accusing bandwagon, is the spending more time with the opposite sex thing. Now in most instances this is a clear cut sign that a significant other is being unfaithful unless the time being spent with the opposite sex is done in the presence of the significant other. But this is not always the case. As of late there has been a dramatic increase in people in relationships wanting to know exactly what it is that their significant others are doing. This has been accomplished by spying, thanks to the new smart phones, eavesdropping, thanks to people not monitoring the noise levels of their conversations, and reading the magazines of the opposite sex. Men read magazines like cosmopolitan all the time to get insight into what it is that women want in a man. And women read magazines like men’s health and others for the same reason. This occurs mainly because of the simple lack of communication, which is prevalent in many relationships. People in relationships rarely talk to one another about certain things so therefore the significant other is left to go to friends and magazines and such. Unfortunately, infidelity has such a stigma about it, that whenever a person in a relationship is seen associating with anyone outside of the relationship, the thought is there that there may be something negative going on. The universal problem with signs is the fact that there is no one textbook definition, which will work for each one. Everybody has different interpretations of everything, for instance, one person may see a pit bull and say ‘oh wow!’ The next person may see the same pit bull and say ‘oh shit!’ – so while one person is reading infidelity clear as day, the next person may be simply seeing a situation, which needs more clarification. In addition to that, an experienced cheater will already know which signs the significant other is looking for and will more than likely not perpetrate them.
There are some signs, which can be confused and there are some signs, which cannot be in any way misinterpreted when it comes to infidelity. One sign, which can be confused, is the thing about hidden conversations. When I speak of hidden conversations, I am talking about how a person in a relationship will only talk to certain people about certain things. This is not to be confused with a person in a relationship not talking to the significant other at all but talking about everything to any and everybody. When a person does that, there is a strong possibility that that person does not like the significant other and is in the process of initiating a breakup. Hidden conversations mimic infidelity because many times they are the exact conversations, which should be had with the significant other whom they are being kept from. As stated above, people in relationships will often use whatever resources they have at their disposal to gain insight into the opposite sex. If they cannot gain this insight from the significant other, magazines about the opposite sex or friends of the opposite sex, then more than likely, they will settle on one particular individual - the brain of which, they will pick. The unfortunate thing about this is that it almost always seems to cause an emotional connection, which is many times mistaken for a sexual connection by the significant other – if it is ever found out. What many times happens during a relationship is what’s called adversity. When this occurs, a person will not always be able to ask the things of the significant other that he or she could easily ask of someone else of the opposite sex – for instance: why do men think that way or why would a man do something like that? A significant other would more than likely not get the broad spectrum of answers that he or she would be searching for by asking that of the significant other. Someone outside the relationship would more than likely tell them the truth as opposed to what they would want to hear – as what a significant other would probably do.
One of the best perpetrated signs for infidelity is that of normalcy, and by this I mean simply acting normal. Now for those of you who may not know, this tactic is confusing as shit. It works so well because it is what is expected when an individual is not cheating as well as when an individual is. People do not expect somebody who is cheating to be nervous and complicated in their actions but it just happens to work out that way most times. They expect those who are cheating to try and act completely normal, almost as if nothing at all has changed. This is how many people get caught and if you are someone who is suspicious of your significant other this is what you should do to catch him or her. Just watch them extra closely. People can act like anybody in this world except themselves. There is a saying, which describes this perfectly; it goes: you can look at a mirror everyday of your life but you will never see yourself the way someone else does. To understand why certain people act the way they do toward others, often it is necessary to take a step outside of ones’ comfort zone and view themselves from a different perspective; that perspective being the one of everybody else. When a person cheats, the one thing that he or she does, rather attempts to do often unsuccessfully, is not raise the eye of suspicion. They do this by attempting to do what they normally do. In other words they practice trying to be normal. This is extremely hard to do because very few people, although they know what they do on a daily basis, do not realize or take notice of how they do the things that they do. Here’s a for instance: when people come in the home from work, they often put their keys on the closest resting place that they can find and then head for the bathroom. If the significant other is in close proximity, they will often kiss him or her or show their usual display of affection, followed by the above. They will then make themselves comfortable and begin the narrative about the day’s events. When someone is being deceptive often they will do everything that they normally do but they will leave out certain aspects of their daily routine. They may come in the house and go straight to the bathroom without so much as a hi. They may wash up while in the bathroom to attempt to eradicate any trace of the person they were cheating with before they come in contact with the significant other. They may even have their usual conversation during dinner but without the infidelity relevant facts and when people leave out certain facts they do so by answering abruptly (one or two word answers) or by just keeping the conversation shorter than usual. This is where our ole friend communication comes into play. Since the one thing that people who are being deceptive and deceitful despise more than anything else is acknowledgement, that individual will try their best to change the topic at any and every given juncture. This should be the cue of the other party to drive the conversation right back to where the other is attempting to deviate from. If you start talking about the job and your significant other says I don’t wanna talk about the job, then your next course of action should be to press them to talk about the job. Ask them that one question that every guilty person in the world hates to answer when interrogated about their actions; why? Why don’t you wanna talk about the job? Why did you do this? Why did you do that? And so on. People who are being deceptive always give signs that they are being deceptive but the thing, which helps them get away with their deception, is the fact that they do what is considered normal. Everybody has a bad day that they do not feel like talking about and this is what guilty parties use to their advantage and is also what innocent parties need to use to their benefit. Most people after hearing the significant other say something to the effect of ‘I don’t feel like talking right now’ will say nothing more than okay dear, we’ll talk later – and the next thing you know, later never comes. And the reason it never comes is because the other will fill up every moment with every possible distraction imaginable. But note: many more instances and suspicions of infidelity do tend to show up. What people need to do is have complete and open communication all the time. That way, whenever the complete and open communication becomes anything other than complete and open, the innocent party will know that something is amiss. A while back, a piece of good advice was offered to me and I want to share it with you. It is the belief that a couple should never go to bed angry with one another or that they should never go to sleep with something regarding the relationship on their minds. If people were to follow this philosophy, they would be forced into communicating with each other the way communicating should be done. But most people don’t do this. Most people do just enough to keep the immediate peace. They rarely do what is necessary to achieve long term happiness and that is communicate openly, effectively and often. No, most people communicate just enough to keep the other happy or at least silent.