Chapter Eight – Gotcha!
I like to believe that all who have partaken in the act of infidelity have been caught at least once either during the activity itself or very soon after. Regrettably, I must say that even I have been caught by the infidelity police once or three times. But there are many people who have yet to face the music so to speak for their indiscretions, who are living a life of perpetual bliss because they are under the illusion that because they have yet to be caught, they cannot be caught. These are the really dangerous people in relationships. What not getting caught in the act of infidelity often does is place people in a false sense of security. What it also does is make those people more reckless in their actions. When people don’t get caught, they think that the ones they are involved in committed relationships with don’t really care about the activities of the other. But while this is often true, it is many times a method used by people in relationships to get the other to become lax with trying to cover up their tracks and at the same time allowing the other to gather all the evidence they need to bust the other whenever they are ready. Exposing infidelity is both easy and difficult. On the one hand it is easy because all it takes is a lack of trust combined with the ability to act on that lack of trust - or to put it simply; the snooping gene. Going through an individual’s wallet, purse, cell phone or even computer key stroke records are all accepted methods of proving or disproving a significant others’ loyalty. Now on the other hand, exposing infidelity is not so easy and this is because I would like to believe that most people in relationships have some kind of respect for the significant others’ privacy. This brings up quite a dilemma. If an individual takes the easy way out and was to go rummaging through the significant others’ personal effects, it would be pretty clear to surmise that there is little to no trust in the relationship. But at the risk of getting caught by the significant other who is under suspicion, at least the other will have a clear head about whether or not the other is doing them dirty – at least for the time being. If an individual were to take the hard way and trust that the suspected significant other is not doing anything wrong, he or she may never know if the significant other was in fact doing some dirt and therefore may never be able to give of themselves freely because the thought of possible infidelity may be lingering over this individuals’ head for the duration of the relationship. If an individual wanted to go with the easy way of exposing infidelity, he or she could, in addition to the aforementioned tactics, set up cameras in the home to catch the significant other in an affair or set this individual up by getting another to make certain sexual advances to this individual to see if he or she responds to them. Now this could be seen by some as entrapment, especially the example of having someone come on to the suspected significant other and this is because not everybody can resist temptation as well as others. But it is a very popular way to test the restraint of some people. As with every perfect plan in existence, there is always at least one flaw. The only reason a plan is called ‘perfect’ is because the flaw has not been exposed. This plan is no different because while an individual may reject the advances of the person the significant other has set him or her up with, that does not necessarily mean that the significant other is not interested in the opposite sex at all. A lot of times people think that just because a person will cheat with one, that that person will cheat with any pretty or handsome piece of anatomy walking about. This brings us back to the case of infidelity being about more than looks. And as much as people want to try and deny it, infidelity is almost never just about an individual’s looks. It is more about what is going on with an individual’s moral fortitude and about what is going on in the relationship – to name a couple. Now if an individual wanted to go with the hard way of exposing infidelity, he or she could do absolutely nothing at all. I know many of you may be scratching your heads and saying ‘huh?’ but this method is one of the best tactics when it comes to catching someone with their pants down. Often when infidelity is committed, it will leave the perpetrating party with several feelings. The first will almost undoubtedly be ‘yippie, I got some booty and my significant other knows nothing about it!’ The second will more than likely be ‘I’ve committed the perfect crime.’ Following feelings will resemble as follows: ‘if I wanted to cheat again, I could and with no problem because my significant other is not as smart as I and will never catch me.’ These feelings are common with those who have never been caught or who have never been accused of wrongdoing. If on the other hand, an individual had committed infidelity and was caught, there more than likely would be some kind of backlash from the innocent significant other. Historically, people who commit crimes are aware of the potential ramifications. For instance, they know that if they kill somebody, they will either face retribution from the law or retribution from the family or friends of the individual who was killed. If it is a case of something not so serious, such as somebody hitting another’s vehicle, then there will be consequences as well. These consequences can be from the insurance company or they can be from the fists of the individual whose vehicle was hit. The point is that nothing happens without some kind of counteraction and I like to believe that every sane person walking the earth knows this. When a person who has cheated on his or her significant other is confronted with the evidence and the innocent significant other does nothing other than inform the guilty significant other that he or she is aware of the indiscretion, the guilty significant other will be walking on pins and needles quite possibly for the rest of his or her life, in other words, very, very carefully. If a man for example were to cheat and get caught by the significant other, and the significant other provides proof of the indiscretion but does nothing else, this man will literally drive himself crazy trying to decipher the next course of action which will be undertaken by the significant other. The man for example, may be thinking in his guilty little mind that the innocent party may be planning to leave him. He may also be thinking that the significant other is planning to have a revenge affair on him. He may even be thinking that the significant other is just waiting for the precise moment that she concocts the perfect alibi for stabbing the shit out of the man while he sleeps, for cheating on her. All of this will come about because the mind is a dangerous thing. It will make anybody believe that ramifications of infidelity are inevitable and not only are they inevitable, they will have to be harsh and lasting – if not lifelong. The only, rather main problem with this method is the fact that many people do not possess that type of restraint. When infidelity enters their relationship, they want what’s called swift justice.
Catching somebody in an infidelity based union is one of the greatest and at the same time most disheartening things an individual in a relationship can accomplish. But what it will do is provide an unmatched amount of freedom, a wave of clarity regarding the relationship, a way out of what is often called complacency in that relationship. That being said, there is a flipside to this explanation and that is that many people in relationships do not want to know the truth regarding infidelity and this is because they do not want to upset the happiness that they have construed their relationships into being. I know it seems twisted but as sad as it is to say, many people are not completely honest in their relationships and this does not only extend to the guilty parties but the completely innocent ones too. They have allowed the relationship to get to a point where it is so comfortable that losing what is built over years and years over a simple act of infidelity or two is pointless, so often these people will overlook the infidelity which is committed for the long term benefit of the relationship. Now is this the definition of a real relationship? Of course not. Anytime there is dishonestly in a relationship, whether the amount is miniscule or massive, the relationship is no longer completely honest - but this is what people live everyday. This proves that there is deception on both sides of many relationships and it does not necessarily have to include infidelity to exist.
When it comes to infidelity and relationships, people love to talk about how they hate deception. They love to talk about how they despise it. But here’s the hypocrisy that many people do not want to readily admit; not only do they need deception in their relationships, they practice it on an almost daily basis. Here’s proof: If a person were to ask the average individual who had been cheated on while in a relationship, what caused more pain; the actual act of the indiscretion or the deception surrounding the actual act, more people (well more by my findings) would admit to the deception as being the worse of the two evils. It seems that people are almost universally in agreement (again by my findings) when it comes to the belief that it is okay for an individual to have desires that stretch beyond just one person. A few of these people are in agreement that it is understandable, not right but understandable to act on those desires. They are even in agreement that once in a while it is okay for an individual to fail when it comes to total honesty – especially when that total honesty involves protecting the significant other’s feelings. Now people use deception, most often to protect the feelings of the significant other when infidelity has occurred. They do this because they do not want the relationship to end and because they often fear the ramifications of what may occur if the significant other was to find out. More people get mad at the fact that cheating was kept from them than people who were cheated on (and still from my findings) these people willingly admit that if they could only know one thing about the indiscretion, it would be to immediately know that the indiscretion occurred as opposed to the fact that it occurred and they were just walking around in a state of perpetual and ignorant bliss, while the other was retaining a potentially relationship ending secret for days, weeks, months or years at a time. Now when it comes to the part about people using deception in their relationships, this is done a number of ways. The first and most popular is the ego stroking, aka those relationship helping white lies - and these are most often about a significant other’s sexual prowess or endowment. What this means is that people will endure unsatisfying sex just for the benefit of the continuance of the relationship. Some people in relationships will base so much on sex that if the sex is not stellar, then they will either exit the relationship or cheat with somebody who can provide stellar sex. To avoid losing any and all other benefits that the relationship may be providing, they lie and say that the sex act is the best or if not the best, then pretty high on the list of the best sexual experiences that they have ever had. Some other people believe that sex is only a recreational act, which is in addition to everything else that goes on in the relationship. These people find it extraordinarily easy to devalue sex to the point of things like faking orgasms and such, so that everything else in the relationship can continue in a peaceful and progressive manner. The differences in these types of deception are that although they are both wrong, one is widely accepted and the other is much frowned upon.
There is also what I like to call the biggest method of pacification in the world and that is the I love you thing. People use this form of deception to lull others into the furthest realms of complacency. They use it to get things from the other party in the relationship the same way a child would when attempting to get something from a somewhat hesitant parent. They use it to help them perpetrate the act of infidelity. The way that this type of deception is helpful to those who use it to commit their indiscretions is because of the belief that comes along with it. This belief dictates that whenever an individual utters, sings or swears on those three little words, he or she means them unequivocally and cannot tell a lie. Many people believe that what is written above is not true but I wish for one second that these people ask themselves, what is the one thing that an individual who is in jeopardy of losing his or her relationship will use as a lifesaver the same way a drowning person will use a flotation device to save themselves – and what is the only thing that a person who is about to end a relationship with someone whom they are not completely sure of this persons’ intentions will accept? Think about it: when a suspected cheater is interrogated by the significant other, the first words mentioned before the defense of I would never cheat on you is often I love you – and why? It’s because when people hear that it’s almost like they are transported into a mystical world where everything which is wrong will instantly or soon thereafter be made right and every bit of insecurity will be eradicated almost as fast as it arrived. Once people are placed into the complacency cottage or lullaby land that the I love you will more than likely place them into, the other will be free to commit any and all indiscretions. Emotions have had a long history of knocking common sense of its’ pedestal for what is the determining factor as to what constitutes a successful relationship. It is very common knowledge that many people cannot think sensibly when certain emotions are being stimulated. This is true in regards to sexual activity – ask any man. And this is true whenever there is an issue dealing with emotion – ask any woman. What is not common knowledge is the fact that people will lie and not only will they lie but they will do so using any weapons they have at their disposal. So if a person knows that you are the sensitive and romantic type who will believe that somewhere there actually exists a land filled with rolling hills of green grass and white bunnies and unicorns where the temperature is always 78 degrees and nobody does anything wrong, they will say exactly what you want to hear to make your life continue to seem like it cannot get any better. When people cheat, even though they are more than likely unhappy, they often have little to no intention on ending the relationship. This is why they often go through the lengths they do to hide their indiscretions. Now this as I have mentioned in my previous books would be the most noble form of nobility if the act of cheating contained any nobility. One of the biggest reasons that I have seen for people committing the act of infidelity is because they can. It is rarely a moral dilemma as much as it is one of opportunity. If you prevent someone from cheating or at least make it hard or close to impossible to do so, then the other will have to make a conscious and determined effort to commit the act of infidelity. That being said, that conscious and determined effort will most assuredly let you know that the other does not want to be faithful. It’s just like if you tell a child that he or she cannot have any cookies and not only that but you hide the cookies on top of a cabinet which the child cannot reach on his or her own – and then the child goes and places a chair on top of another chair to give himself the reach needed to secure the cookies – it is pretty safe to say that the child made up in his or her mind that the cookies were the objective and that child was going to reach that objective no matter what. One of the best ways to counter being placed into the I love you but I’m gonna cheat on you, I love you not but I’m still gonna cheat on you merry go round is by our old friend communication. People do not realize how powerful this word and activity actually is. People can talk themselves out of depression, people can talk themselves out of a blessing. People can speak things into being. There is great power in words. There is so much power in the spoken word that cheaters will try whatever methods they have at their disposal to avoid them. The more you speak to someone about a suspected or actual affair that you may not have complete proof on, the more that person will become uncomfortable. They more he or she will try to change the subject. The more he or she will lie. Now what happens next is totally up to the person doing the interrogating. The line of questioning can continue or the person who is suspicious can retain answers and evidence for future fact checking to see if any stories are changed. Another way to not fall victim to this merry go round of lies is to simply not allow ones’ self to love solely with his or her heart. I mean the heart is a good tool to have especially when it comes to love but it will do you wrong 100% of the time if it is not used in collusion with the head. A person must use their brain in relationships. This may seem like unnecessary and redundant information but so, so many people in this world, when it comes to relationships, do things because ‘it feels right.’ Here we go with the emotion thing again. This is why catching somebody in an infidelity based union is more difficult that it has to be. People, not just women, but both genders, will let their emotions override common sense. They will see infidelity clear as day as say ‘nah, that’s not cheating.’ Many unfortunate relationships continue and by unfortunate, I mean unhappy, because people don’t know what infidelity is and by not being aware of what it is, they unknowingly allow it to infect their relationships. Now as I have mentioned in many of my other works, my definition of cheating is similar to the legal definition of cheating with only one difference. While the authorities which matter define it as a man or woman who is married, having relations with someone outside of the relationship, who may or may not be married themselves, my definition stretches to include those who are in relationships period – whether those relationships are short or long term. This part of cheating is the part that everybody knows. The unfortunate part, which many people don’t know is the part or parts, which lead up to infidelity, and these are the parts that people ignore or confuse with being other things. Many unfortunate relationships continue because one or maybe even both parties are fearful to approach the other with evidence of transgressions, which may have been perpetrated. And many unfortunate relationships continue because one or both of the parties involved do not care about the infidelity, which is or has been going on.
Now I cannot end this chapter before mentioning the flip side of catching someone in the act of infidelity and that is thinking that you have irrefutable evidence on this individual but coming to find out that you are wrong. There are so, so many situations in this world which resemble infidelity, just as there are so many actual infidelity situations, which are just as confusing that if a person does not actually see the other bump uglies, he or she may make the mistake of a lifetime by falsely accusing and reacting to what he or she thinks is infidelity as opposed to what infidelity actually is. What makes this confusion factor so easy is the fact that the line between what real cheating is and situations which resemble it is so damned slim that without absolute proof, a person can literally drive him or herself crazy trying to pick correctly between the two. It’s the same as like back in the 80’s when people selling fake gold chains was the norm and one person who only had just enough money to purchase one of these incredibly low priced deals on the street did so with the expectation that he or she would be the ‘smart’ person on the block because their chain cost less than everybody else’s but shined just as good. Then when that person got home, that gold chain turned brown, brass, copper or any random color except what was initially thought and desired. The salesman could have proven that the gold chain was real by any number of methods to include lighting it on fire, scratching it against a wall, anything he could think of to get you to believe him and spend your money. But no matter how much proof he gave to the unsuspecting victim, the victim was still wrong. This is how infidelity, rather the thought of infidelity sometimes works. A person could have it so deeply implanted in his or her mind that the significant other is being unfaithful, that he or she will go through any and every method imaginable of proving their suspicions as correct but just like dealing with the salesman from back in the day, a person can have all the evidence in the world about something and still be proven wrong. This is why people cannot react to infidelity situations prematurely. This is why people cannot take the first piece of evidence and use it to end a relationship. I know for a fact that infidelity has caused the demise of many relationships but I believe that the thought, rather the mistaken thought of infidelity is what has caused the end of many, many more. Infidelity is more than an event. It is a process. And as such, it will many times take more than one event to decipher and catch somebody in a relationship who is perpetrating it.