Chapter Ten - Again With This Emotional Infidelity Thing…
There has been an extreme amount of discussion about this emotional infidelity thing. It has been discussed, argued and challenged by everybody from so called relationship experts to therapists to talk show hosts all the way down to everyday people in relationships who have no other label to give to this nonsense. For those of you who may have read my previous works, you should already be aware that I base my findings on infidelity primarily according to the legal grounds of conduct, not moral. In other words, if you can get arrested for it, then it is considered a crime. If people can only get upset or disgusted with you for your actions, then it is not a crime. Now although infidelity has many variations and acceptances in different jurisdictions, there is little argument on what infidelity actually is. According to the legal and accepted definition of most jurisdictions, infidelity, in a nutshell, entails one who is in a committed relationship, engaging in sexual relations with another who may or may not be in a relationship of their own. This is by most accounts pretty cut and dry. People understand this. They know exactly what this means. When it comes to emotional infidelity however, I must call bullshit on that one. Emotional infidelity in my esteemed opinion is little more than some very intuitive individual giving a name to something, which has no basis to focus on, let alone start an argument over. Let’s examine the definitions of each for a second: infidelity as stated above means one person in a relationship sticking his happy part into another who is not a part of that relationship or one person in a relationship allowing another to stick their happy part into the one who is in a totally different relationship. In laymen’s terms, an individual is doing something sexual with someone he or she is not supposed to. Now the most logical thing about this emotional infidelity thing is that it cannot be legally justified. Period. There is no ‘I stuck my emotional dick into someone’s emotional ass while in a relationship.’ Emotions are feelings. A person cannot cheat with their feelings because feelings are something that everyone has but also something that no one has control over. There are no in place stipulations on how far emotions or feelings are allowed to travel. There are however stipulations on how far an individual, especially an individual in a relationship is allowed to express those feelings or emotions. And that imaginary or unwritten line is right up until those feelings become tangible. In other words it’s okay for someone in a relationship to say that another is attractive but it is not okay for that individual to say that he or she is more attractive than the significant other. And the main reason why is because of the grossly high level of insecurity in relationships. People all too often feel that if interest is expressed in someone of the opposite sex or same sex depending upon the type of relationship one may be involved in, then the only possible reason is because of a sexual interest. This is why people really fear this ‘emotional cheating’ bullshit. What too many people in relationships do is use their modus operandi as the standard operating procedure of everybody else. In other words, if a man asks a woman out to dinner and she accepts and they go out and have a good time, then that means that there is chemistry. If the man asks again and she accepts, then the belief will be that there is definite interest. And once the belief of definite interest is there, quite often the man will believe that there is nothing he could do wrong to prevent himself from ending up in a relationship with this woman or at least in bed with this woman. Now if a woman was in a relationship and a man asked her out to dinner, even if it was the most platonic situation in existence, from a working dinner with the boss to a dinner date with a secretly gay co worker, the man who is in the relationship will believe that the male is attempting to move in on his territory. And the reason will be because this is the same method he used to get the significant other to fall for him. This is why many men think that all other men ain’t shit. It’s because those men are dirty themselves and the guilty conscience that they possess is showing itself full force when confronted with what they deem competition. It's the same thing for women. Women will always say ‘I don’t trust women because I know what they’re thinking.’ And this may be true but men and women need to realize something; the person that you are involved in a relationship with is an adult – and if you do not respect this individual enough to have the conscience of mind or moral fortitude to be able to resist temptation when it comes a knocking – and it will come a knocking, then why are you in a relationship with this individual in the first place? Here’s a hypothetical but fun to ask question – if a person in a relationship thought about having sex with another but never actually committed the act, would that individual be guilty of infidelity? Of course not. Whomever would attempt to prosecute this individual under any bigamy or infidelity statute would be laughed out of every court in existence and why? It’s because as long as a person does not act on his or her feelings, emotions or crazy and horny thoughts, that individual cannot be held accountable for doing anything wrong. There are many people who believe that if a person has an emotional connection (AKA emotional affair) to someone who is not the significant other, then a sexual relationship will soon occur. This is an accurate testament to how high bullshit can actually rise. Emotional infidelity is not sexual infidelity. It is not infidelity at all. Can the emotional connection that an individual in a relationship makes with someone outside of the relationship eventually lead to a sexual affair? Definitely. But does it necessarily have to happen? I think not. An individual has to make a conscious decision to have sex with another. He or she will not automatically do it because they connect with someone on an 'emotional level.' There are many, many people in this world who will have sexual intercourse as well as cheat on their significant others for little reason other than the fact that they have two intersecting parts (the penis & vagina for you slow people) and the same defunct moral level but this does not mean that there is a definite sexual attraction. There are many people who connect on an emotional level who don't cheat just like there are many who don't connect in that manner and do. But here’s the major problem with this whole emotional mumbo jumbo; many people in this world will grab on and hold tight to whatever it is that sounds new or interesting and this emotional infidelity thing is just that. People believe that if you cheat in your mind or with your feelings, then your actual relationship is over or in jeopardy. And I really hate to be the one to say that a good many people in this world do not like to think for themselves and would rather be led by the opinions and beliefs of someone else but it’s one of the truest things that can be said. These people will use emotional infidelity to start arguments with the significant other and a good many of these people will not stop there. They will accuse the significant other of perpetrating a sexual affair without any proof other than the fact that an emotional connection has been made with someone other than them.
I’ve heard it said that if someone deals with, rather dates a married person, but there is no sex had while dating, then that person is guilty of having an emotional affair. Pardon me for my belief but I think that is some bull also. Okay now I can somewhat agree with the fact that if as a man who is dating a married woman on a platonic basis, you become the ever so supportive friend or listening ear that the husband isn’t, then you are kinda taking away the husband’s opportunity to become that person. But what if the marriage is one that’s almost over – or what if it is a situation where the women have another woman who is the ever so supportive friend or listening ear that she so desperately needs? Does this mean that the woman has committed emotional infidelity with the other woman? I mean isn’t it common knowledge that women love to talk about things with girlfriends that they almost never tell the significant other? Does it mean that the man who is dating the married woman is wrong for providing a service that the husband probably isn’t providing anyway? Granted, dating somebody who is in a relationship is wrong. I’ll give you that but how many times have people started searching for a new relationship when the old one was just about done because they did not want to have that lonely gap between relationships? From my understanding, when people date it is a precursor to a relationship. In other words one person is dating another because he or she is actively pursuing a relationship with that person – or because he or she is feeling this person out to see if he or she is actually relationship material. Also from my understanding with this emotional infidelity thing, even though there is no sex involved, there is a level of deception because the ‘dating’ is never disclosed. Now the dating could be a one time thing or it could be one which is continuous – none of that really matters although the belief exists that the longer people ‘date’ the more interest there is between the ‘daters’ whether this belief is from those doing the dating or from people outside of the relationship who observe the two dating. Secrets in a relationship are wrong, I’ll give you that too but here’s my thing; if the person that is in a relationship is not sharing feelings or communicating with the other and the other finds someone in their family who they feel comfortable enough to do so with, does that mean that he or she has committed an emotional affair with that person? I for one think not. People are making the idea of emotional affairs seem like they can only be committed by people who have a sexual attraction to one another. People are making it seem like if you have an emotional connection with anybody else in the world besides the one you are in a relationship with, then you have done some kind of irreparable relationship damage and the relationship will soon come to a screeching halt because of it.
I think this whole emotional infidelity thing is a crock, I really do. But I do understand that there will eventually be some things that an individual in a relationship will feel more comfortable discussing with someone outside of the relationship than the significant other. Does it mean cheating, emotionally or otherwise? No. It means that the person in the relationship cannot be available for every single aspect of the relationship. It means that sometimes an individual may have to talk to another member of the opposite sex to gain insight and perspective on the person whom they are dating. It means that somebody makes someone in a relationship feel the way that the significant other once did or perhaps never did. The problem with this is that people cannot stand to even fathom someone else making the significant other feel as good or better than they do or did. And this is because when the significant other made them feel good, sex and or a relationship followed. The belief is that the past will repeat itself with somebody new. This is one of the reasons why people in relationships fear their partners having friends of the opposite sex. They feel that if another makes them feel good enough, they will cheat or leave the relationship. But you see, this is how thin the relationship strings are nowadays. People will not reason that the relationship they have built over years and years is strong enough to withstand jealousy or even a little competition. They will reason that the only thing keeping the relationship together is sex and if anybody introduces sex into the relationship, then the relationship is over. People think that if you talk to somebody while in a relationship, they’re going to corrupt your mind, you’re going to have sex and then the relationship is going to be over. It seems silly but this is how so many people in relationships think. And this is why that emotional infidelity crock is believed as much as it is. Before I end this chapter, I would like for everybody reading this to think about something: if there was never such a thing as emotional infidelity and everybody in relationships always talked to the significant other about everything and never spoke to anybody else about anything regarding feelings, desires or even the relationship, do you understand how perfect that would be? The only problem with this is that nothing is perfect. People are not that perfect. Relationships are not that perfect. Sometimes this emotional infidelity thing is anything but.