Chapter One – What Is Infidelity?
Infidelity, the greatest and most misunderstood of all relationship infractions. This one small entity, this sometimes one minute act of passion or revenge, has the capability to initiate a relationship and or end a relationship at the very same time. But what is it? Most people will classify infidelity as either a man sticking his happy part into a woman while he is in a relationship or a woman who is in a relationship letting a man with whom she is not in a relationship with do the same. Now while true, this is a basic definition of what infidelity entails, it merely scratches the surface of what makes up the playing field of being unfaithful. Infidelity has many names. It is called cheating, stepping out, a transgression, betrayal, unfaithfulness, perfidious, fooling around and on the less classy end of the scale, plain ole getting a little something on the side. In addition to infidelity having many names, it also has many meanings. For the most part, the widely accepted definition of infidelity revolves around indulging in sexual intercourse with another man or woman who is not the married or committed partner. But there are many other meanings as to what defines infidelity and these are often determined by the individual who faces infidelity or by he who commits the act of infidelity himself. Here’s a for instance: some individuals who are dating but not indulging in intercourse may feel that the sanctity of their relationship is or has been violated if one of the parties was to kiss another. Some people feel that if a conversation is had with someone outside the relationship, which revolves around sexual intercourse, the prospect of sexual intercourse or even the sexual intercourse, which is being had between the committed couple, then infidelity is to be the end result. The thing about infidelity, which is beneficial and at the same time confusing, is the fact that everybody can make up what infidelity means to them. This means that they do not have to be bound by anybody else’s interpretation of what cheating or subdivisions of cheating may or may not actually be. As with the examples above, some people feel that if a significant other were to have any type of attraction at all to the opposite sex, then it means that the opposite sex just wants to indulge in physical activities. This is one of those reasons why accurate statistics on infidelity as well as the ramifications caused by actual statistics will never be known. Here’s the hypocrisy when it comes to infidelity: for some, if you are in a relationship and you look at someone else in a lustful manner, then you have cheated. For others, if you are in relationship and you indulge in a platonic relationship with another that your significant other does not know about, then again you have cheated. And still for others, which is the most widely accepted act of criminality, if you engage in sexual intercourse with someone outside of wedlock or outside of commitment, then you have crossed the lines as far as what fidelity dictates. The main reason why people will never be able to get an accurate count on what infidelity is, is because while most laws define infidelity as only bumping uglies, many people define infidelity as anything that they do not like. So I guess it is kinda safe to say that infidelity or the ramifications of, can partly be based on the emotions of the parties involved. Another thing about infidelity, which is beneficial and at the same time confusing is that aside from everybody having their own interpretations of what infidelity means to them, many people have their own interpretations of what an actual relationship is as well. Many people are in relationships without complete communication or if not a relationship without complete communication, then a relationship without completely communicating to each other. The one thing that they do not completely communicate to each other is what a relationship means to each of them and not only communicate that but come to an agreement on the acceptance of. This has been a big problem in the world of infidelity because many women use the silence as acceptance thing when it comes to what a relationship is. In other words, if they express to the men whom they are interested in what their idea of a perfect relationship is and the men do not object or give their opinion and input, then the belief will be in these women’s minds that the men are in complete agreement. Here’s an interesting but seemingly not well known tidbit: sometimes men will agree with women just to get them to shut the hell up. Many times women will consider a relationship initiated when there is consummation of that union. Men on the other hand will many times assume that the relationship is an actual relationship when there is the promise of at least a discussion and acceptance of exclusivity. So in laymen’s terms; a dude can have sex with a female again and again without feeling as if there is any type of commitment because he hasn’t asked for and received one but the female will be believing that the man is cheating if he sleeps with somebody after he sleeps with her because the relationship was assumed to be exclusive. Now do you see why communication is crucial for relationships to be happy?
One of the confusing things about infidelity is the fact that it is closely related to an actual monogamous relationship kinda like the same way many cold symptoms mimic the symptoms of many other more serious diseases and vice versa. When it comes to a relationship, people who cheat most often attempt to make their cheating relationship mimic what either occurs in their committed relationship (minus the cheating, of course) or they try and mimic what happens in some other regular relationship where there is no cheating going on at all. This is sometimes perpetrated by the couple holding hands, going shopping, spending countless amounts of time communicating by every mode of communication possible and even staring into each other’s eyes with that teenage, stargazed look that people usually only have when they are in the new stages of a relationship or deep in the stronghold of love. People who are cheating, for the most part, do not usually don sunglasses, trenchcoats, use rental car services to make those clandestine appointments and the like, which I personally believe should be the industry standard when it comes to rules regarding infidelity. What they usually do is walk around just like the person they are having the affair with is nothing more than a friend. Here’s the stipulation regarding infidelity, which helps those who commit it get away with their indiscretions; if people don’t see the actual act of infidelity occurring, which almost nobody except those committing the act and your random peeping tom with a pair of high powered binoculars, probably would, then more than likely the perception will be that the couple is nothing more than a couple of good, platonic friends. This is one of those things, which is commonly referred to as a situation, which resembles infidelity. And here’s the reason why; almost nobody in his or her cotton picking mind is going to say to the significant other ‘hey hon, I’m cheating on you!’ Nobody in their right mind will intentionally leave clues around that they know may cause them to get caught in the act of infidelity or that will cause them severe detriment with the significant other, as what getting caught in the act of infidelity or causing the significant other to become overly suspicious would normally do, unless they just didn’t care about the significant other and wanted a quick and painless way out of the relationship. This is why it is sometimes so darned hard to decipher what infidelity actually is.
Now aside from the legal separation of infidelity, there is what’s commonly called inappropriateness. There is also the issue of the moral separation of the two. I am pretty certain that in almost every state, province or jurisdiction, it is wrong by every stretch of the imagination to take out one’s penis and insert it into another individual while this person is married. (Unless of course it is a case of the individuals being involved in some sort of underground sex cult or unless these people are swingers and the like.) It is equally wrong for a married woman to wrap her vagina around the random penis of whoever is available. By most logical accounts, this is a basic description of what infidelity entails. But there are many people who feel that infidelity is not what the prevailing law states but is whatever the majority of society frowns upon. This can fall under either the inappropriate or immoral statute. Here’s a for instance: if a married individual patronizes a strip club and does nothing but sit there and view naked members of the opposite sex, then that person has committed infidelity, even though he or she has never come into actual physical contact with any of the individuals employed by the club. Here’s another for instance: if a married person uses the internet to view other members of the opposite sex, not meet up with but view, as what is done with online porn, then it is believed that that individual has committed infidelity as well. A great many people in relationships desire to control their partners and they want to do it so much that they even desire to control what their partner’s do, say, think and also view. The bad think about this, besides the control issue itself, is the fact that many of these people want the significant other’s actions and mode of thinking to eventually resemble that of their own. If an individual believes that viewing pornography is wrong, then it automatically becomes wrong or is supposed to become wrong in the eyes of the significant other and if it doesn’t, then the significant other will be viewed as somehow being unfaithful to the other. There is a thing, which causes a great deal of controversy in many relationships nowadays and that is the issue of emotional cheating. This is not on the same legal level as screwing somebody while being married and going to jail or getting divorced because of it but many people feel that it is pretty close. One reason why this emotional cheating thing is controversial is because it is something that I believe all, let me say this again – this is something that I believe all people do. I do not mean to say or imply that all people cheat but I do wholeheartedly believe that all people either already have formed or eventually will form an emotional connection with someone in this world. An emotional connection is not sexual. An emotional connection is a relationship with someone on a level, which includes everything except the physical. Now when an individual actually sits down and thinks about this, it is easy to see that emotional connections can be formed with parents. They can be formed with siblings. They can be formed with co-workers and they most definitely can be formed with random friends. The problem with the whole emotional connection thing is that just because a couple is in fact a couple, that does not mean that they are emotionally connected or compatible. This causes a problem because ½ of the couple, which is not connected emotionally, may see the other interacting in an emotionally connected way with someone else and believe that that individual is being unfaithful. Infidelity is many times little more than a physical act. Sometimes an emotional connection is made with someone and that connection eventually progresses into the physical act but just because people have an emotional connection, that does not automatically mean that they are going to cheat. Personally, I do not believe this emotionally infidelity thing to be valid or at the very least, worthy of too much focus and this is because as stated above, everybody has an emotional attraction to someone and no matter how much people attempt to control what another says, does or thinks, that person will be hard pressed to be able to adequately control what another person feels. When you actually sit down and think about how (I believe) most of the people in this world are raised – and that is to have a variety of choices regarding almost everything in life, how can anyone be held accountable for not being able to limit what makes them happy and or content to just one individual?
What infidelity is
Infidelity is sexual intercourse with someone while in a relationship with someone else
Infidelity is a breach of trust
Infidelity is detrimental to the relationship – whether it is divulged or not
What infidelity is not
Infidelity is not kissing someone
Infidelity is not talking to the opposite sex nor is it talking dirty to someone.
Infidelity is not without ramifications
People involve themselves with their total opposites when it comes to relationships all the time. They also involve themselves in relationships with those who they seem most compatible with. What is not always known is the fact that sometimes people are in relationships for nothing more than appearances. Sometimes a person will marry because a parent may say that the spouse is good for him or her. Sometimes a person may marry because everybody around may say that the two of you make the perfect couple and you should be married. Sometimes people follow the advice of these interceders and are miserable because this person is not who they really desired in a relationship. What these miserable people sometimes do is form an attachment to others in a way, which might resemble an emotional connection of sorts. These people may bond with others who possess the one thing or maybe many things that the significant other may be lacking, which may cause the other to be miserable in the relationship. There are some people who like a certain type of intimacy – let’s go a little further and say sexual foreplay. Now let’s say that these people who desired this type of foreplay were not getting it from the significant other but were getting it from another, would that mean that there was cheating going on? Of course not. But this is how many people think and interpret situations. To be a bit more candid with the description, what if a person liked to talk dirty to the significant other – and not always as a prelude to sexual activity but just because it turned him or her on? And what if that person’s significant other did not believe in talking dirty or even using profanity for that matter? The other would have to quell his or her desire for the sex talk just to keep the relationship happy. But what a lot of people do is the proverbial ‘have their cake and eat it too’ thing. They may be married to someone who is a good man or woman in most respects and as such, would classify something like raunchy sex talk completely out of the question. But they may have someone on the side who can provide the service that they are in need of but not receiving. And this does not have to have anything to do with sex. But here comes the hard to decipher part: who in their right mind would actually believe that nothing was going on if they heard their significant other telling someone else whom they may or may not know that they want them to pee on their naked body or something inappropriately graphic like that? Probably less than one percent of the population – and that’s a generous estimate. This is why people in relationships need trust. They need communication. They need to take time to know the person they are dealing with because if they don’t, any misunderstood or misinterpreted situation will more than likely cause the demise of the relationship.