Chapter Two – How Is Infidelity Perpetrated?
To many people this may seem like a trick question. It may seem so because the general consensus is that in order for a successful act of infidelity to occur, all someone has to do is bump uglies with someone while they are in a relationship and not let the one they are in a relationship with find out about it. But the thing that these people do not want to realize is that infidelity is much more than an undisclosed romp in the hay. Now on the one hand, the perpetuation of infidelity is relatively simple. A person in a relationship or a committed couple decides to have sexual relations with someone who is not the one they are in the committed relationship with. On the other hand, infidelity is not so simple. As with the chapter above, there are many different interpretations and explanations, detailing what infidelity actually is. I have found that there are just as many, if not more ways to commit the act of infidelity. One of the best known tactics for perpetrating infidelity is that of a person making himself or herself seem too unknowledgeable to actually be able to commit the act of infidelity. This is done as a way of making the other party so lax in their observations and activities, that they actually believe that the significant other cannot commit the act of infidelity. This is called placing the other into a false sense of security. Now true, this is a form of deception but it is also a common form of trickery, which often helps an innocent party catch the other in an indiscretion. An individual can commit infidelity by a number of ways. He can do it by himself, meaning just him and the other person – as what would be a perfect example of prostitution or he can do it with a multitude of people and by this I do not mean to say that a person is cheating with a multitude of people. I mean that a person is cheating with one but has a string of accomplices and alibis. In the case of a person committing infidelity by himself, usually just that individual and the person that he or she is cheating with are involved in the indiscretion. Many times when infidelity is perpetrated, people besides the significant other can and often see what’s going on way before the significant other does. This can be because these people actually see the philandering significant other committing his or her indiscretions or because these people are former philanderers themselves and are able to pick up on the signs. In the case of an individual cheating with a multitude of people, this is often perpetrated by the person who is stepping out on the relationship having the one he or she is cheating with and at least one other to corroborate whatever story necessary to sway the significant other from the belief that infidelity is occurring. This extra person or people can be anyone from family members (cousins are the most popular) to co workers to a very good to best friend. These people are the devil’s advocates. They will be around to say things to the effect of ‘Nah girl, he ain’t cheating on you. He’s a good man’ or ‘I’ve known her all my life. She’s a good mother and wife, she would never cheat on you!’ and many times, not all but many, the very people who provide these relationship encouraging excuses are the very ones who are either sleeping with the significant other or are aware that some form of infidelity is going on. One of the biggest problems with people in relationships when it comes to infidelity is the fact that they have what I like to call infinite relationship wisdom. In other words they always feel that they can tell when, how and with whom infidelity is being perpetrated. They almost never feel that deception will apply to them. These are the people who say things to the effect of ‘I know what my man is doing before he does’ or as with the above stated example, ‘my girl is too good to cheat.’ These people seem not to be able to realize that they can be deceived and not only by those who are cheating on them but by best friends, neighbors and basically any and everybody else. This is a sad but true fact: when people are in relationships, quite often they become like the multi million dollar lottery winner. They start not trusting their friends and associates because they have something that they know others want. Ever notice how when people are single they have mediocre luck with the opposite sex at best but as soon as they become involved with someone then everyone decides that they want to be involved with that person. Now I do not want it to be said that Jeremiah Dotson advises people not to trust others when involved in a relationship. That is not my point. What my point is, is that people need to erect their defenses just a little bit higher than normal because a relationship is a situation, which is a little more than normal. You not only have to worry about yourself, now you have to worry about somebody completely different and you have to worry about another person or several people trying to impose on your ‘territory.’
Another scenario, which involves how infidelity is perpetrated, is that of friends becoming sex partners. Personally, I believe that this is how much, rather most of the infidelity in the world is perpetrated. The main reason for my belief is because of the simple fact that everybody has friends of the opposite sex. To understand this, a person has to examine how relationships come about in the first place. When people get together there is usually an attraction. This attraction can be based on many things. It can be based on appearance. It can be based on finances. It can be based on emotional compatibility. Whatever the attraction is based on, it will more than likely be a connection, which will grow into a mutual friendship. Once the friendship is in place, more time is spent together and more connections are made based on mutual interests and mutual compatibilities. As people get to know each other better, the friendship becomes a partnership and the two are now known as a couple. Now with friends, the same thing happens, with the attraction and the connections and everything else but there is no couple. Friends are supposed to have an imaginary line, which will prevent them from becoming a couple because one or both of them is already part of a couple. But the thing about this imaginary line is the fact that it is imaginary. People cross this line everyday because they let the mutual interests and compatibilities become reason to explore sexual interests and compatibilities. People have this thing about emotional cheating and how it leads to infidelity. I believe that some people in relationships are not as in tune or emotionally connected with their partners as their partners’ friends are with them. This is what causes some people to want to spend more time with a friend of the opposite sex as opposed to the significant other. The more time these people hang out together, the more time there is for a greater connection to be made and a greater opportunity for the introduction of the idea of exploring a sexual relationship or at least a sexual liaison. It may start off as an innocent joke or it may be a serious inquiry but sooner or later the topic will more than likely be discussed. As far as individual examples for what infidelity entails go, there are so many ways that people lead up to the act that it would take the pages from possibly every book in existence to explain it. Infidelity is the cheating act. Everything else is just a precursor to it. There are many, many ways that people lead up to the act and the best way to decipher whether what people are doing is actual infidelity as opposed to just being close friends is by doing the two things that most people in relationships never do, paying attention to the significant other and communicating openly with the significant other.
As surprising as this may sound to people, infidelity is not always perpetrated the same by each individual or by each gender. Men and women both have preferred methods to accomplish the deceitful goal of procuring outside booty while in a relationship.
METHODS OF PERPETUATION BY MEN:
When it comes to the methods of perpetuation by men, I find that the act of infidelity is much more difficult than it is for women. This is because many women are already under the assumption that most of the things, which emanate from a man’s mouth has some form or trickery or deception associated with it. When a man is interested in the affections of a female, he must work doubly hard to obtain them. This is because he must first capture and keep her interest, then he has to prove that his interest is more than superficial and not in any way deceptive. So just imagine how hard it is when a man is just out to get some booty. He has to trick the woman into thinking that he is not interested in just getting booty, make her believe that his intentions regarding a relationship are genuine and then totally manipulate those beliefs into a one or two night stand. And people think that cheating is easy! The first and most popular method of booty perpetuation that a man will use is the line of ‘I am not in a relationship.’ This is where a man has a woman whom he is in a relationship with and quite possibly a family, which he is attempting to keep quiet from the woman whom he is trying to score some booty from. The problem with this besides the fact that the man is cheating in the first place is that more often than not he will attempt to indulge the second woman in a purely sexual relationship while allowing her to believe that the relationship is completely genuine and at the same time keep the relationship with the significant other going as smooth and as natural as if nothing derogatory was going on. The second problem with this is the fact that many men in this world are not that great at budgeting finances, so how in the world do they expect to be proficient at budgeting two or more relationships? And when these men try to do something at which they are not that proficient, such as cheating, they make major mistakes like going home with lipstick on their clothing, bite marks on areas of the body where their should never be any unless they were made by the significant other and things of that nature. When these men are confronted with their mistakes, more times than not, they will perpetrate the ever popular ‘acting strange’ routine. The acting strange is not done intentionally, it is done as a reflex or response to being caught off guard when their women are on the infidelity trail. People get caught in infidelity situations when they are blown off of their cloud of complacency. This means that whenever something new enters the equation, it usually makes the path of infidelity take on a whole new direction and since people do not usually practice the before during and afters of infidelity before it is committed, that is often how they get caught.
The second method that many men will use when trying to successfully score a tryst with the opposite sex whilst in a relationship is that of telling the woman they are interested in that they are in a relationship but the relationship is ending or that the relationship is an unhappy one. This method is basically a safer alternative and often a more believable story than the first because (1) everybody who is in a relationship experiences some sort of adversity at one point or another and (2) very few people will believe that a good looking man is single – unless he is deeply religious or gay. This method preys on a woman’s’ emotional part of being because they will feel that if the man seems or appears to be a ‘good’ man, then the unhappiness excuse will more than likely be valid and not only that, the unhappiness will more than likely be the fault of the woman – or so will be the belief. Now of course any man out here can just walk up to any random woman and say something to the effect of ‘hey I want some booty, no commitments, no strings, no games – just the bumping of uglies. How do you feel about that?’ And if by chance he does not get the shit slapped out of him, he may just accomplish his goal. But here’s the thing: most women walking the face of this earth would find a line such as that completely and utterly reprehensible – not to mention degrading. Now there are some women who would accept this type of conversation and chances are these women desire nothing more than the exact same thing that these men are looking for but it is almost impossible for one to find the other at first try. Often what will happen is a man will pretend like he is only interested in a relationship or he will pretend as if he has no interest in a relationship at all. He will do this so that the woman will have control of the playing field. In other words, he will let her say what it is she is looking for. The man will then adjust his focus and conversation to mimic that of the woman. He will listen for keywords that the woman may use such as ‘nothing serious’ or ‘nothing long term’ when it comes to what she is looking for and then he will think gotcha! Some women will say that they are exploring their options right now. This, to a man often means that she just wants to fuck! Now when I said above that the act of infidelity is more difficult for the man, I was not saying that it is more difficult to perpetrate the act of sex. For those of you who may not know, any capable man who is in a relationship can walk up to any willing woman who is working the streets and pay her ten or twenty dollars or whatever the going rate is nowadays for her to help him complete the sex act. Simple. What I mean is that in addition to the explanation above the man will have to be able to escape the relationship so to speak, after it has been consummated. In other words, after he has used whatever lies, tactics or games necessary to have sex with the woman who captured his interest outside of his relationship, he will then have to extricate himself from any possibility of a potential relationship with this woman. And this here can be done in any number of ways. For example: when some women have sex with a guy, in their minds a commitment is already in place or soon to come just because of the fact that sex was had. The guy can all of a sudden say the truth - that he is in fact in a relationship and that the woman was nothing more than weekend stimulation. However this method is not suggested nor is it often utilized unless it is a case of the woman who was just weekend stimulation thinking that the sexual relationship was something more and she is aggressively pursuing it. And the reason it is not suggested or utilized very often is because this is what one would call brutal honesty. This is the type of honesty that hurts beyond measure. This is the type of honesty that causes people to kill. Another thing that men can do is the opposite of what was mentioned above about being in an unhappy relationship and that is say something to the effect of ‘my relationship with my significant other and my family has taken a turn for the better.’ People in relationships know all too well that those relationships sooner or later face adversity and they also know that many times those relationships bounce back from adversity stronger than ever. However when people deal with someone who is or who appears to be on the ‘outs’ in regard to their relationship, the last thing they want to hear is the fact that the relationship is on the road to repair – even though they are fully aware that this is always a possibility when dealing with someone who is not completely single.
Men will use help from other women to persuade the woman they are interested in to have sex with them. They do this because they know that women will more often listen to another woman about a man than listening to a man. Men are always in competition with one another so they do not make the ideal candidates for assistance in making another man seem worthy of sex. Most men would try to get all of the booty they can and say to hell with the other dude!
The biggest methods that men use when trying to find someone to have sex with while they are in a relationship are unhappiness in their present relationship, not being in a relationship at all or not having any type of intimate physical contact in their relationship. Everybody in a relationship goes through a period of unhappiness at one time or another so this excuse is often and easily believed. Many people who have been in a relationship for a certain number of years do not have sex with the frequency or urgency that they may have had in years before. Sometimes these people do not have sex at all and some of these men will use a line such as that to garner pity from the woman or women they are interested in sleeping with. Sometimes people are in relationships where they live apart from one another. Now the reason for this could be any number of things from both having their own places and neither immediately wanting to give them up to one or both of them not completely trusting the other but the bottom line is that the significant other is almost never seen and the assumption is in place that the man is single. Many men will run with this assumption and have people think that they are in fact single. These men may say things to the effect of they are not looking for anything long term and many of the women who hear this and share the man’s sentiment may use the fact that they do not or have not seen a woman around to indulge the man in a one or two night stand type of relationship.
METHODS OF PERPETUATION BY WOMEN:
When it comes to the most basic and crude methods of cheating for a man, he can say if nothing else, I want some sex. He can then go out and find some, buy some or just acquire some from any random and willing female with the same type of mindset. It is easy because I will not say that most but a great many men are on the prowl, hunt, search or whatever you want to call it for sex anyway. So there really is no dilemma, moral or otherwise when it comes to his pursuits. All they really need is someone or a few someones to allow them to accomplish their horny type goals. A woman on the other hand, cannot just give away her body. I mean she can but by doing so she will subject herself to a boatload of unnecessary problems. First off, she will be classified as easy. Is this such a bad thing? That depends on the individual. Some women out here can live with labels and can ignore those labels the same way most individuals would ignore homeless people on the street. They can deal with being called whore, hooker, slut or any other garden variety term which may fly their way because they are those types who will be under the impression that as long as they do not answer to those labels then they really do not apply to them. Second, she will be cast under the microscope of ‘is something wrong with her mentally or emotionally. And this is because most women or so I would like to believe are taught that what they have is special, meaning it is not to be shared with any and everybody who just happens by. These women are taught that a relationship and commitment must be in place before any goodies are shared. The next question will undoubtedly be does she have some kind of sexually transmitted disease? The reason that these questions and others like them come about is because women have a long and colorful history of being the procrastinators when it comes to giving up the goodies. They are known for implementing every type of delay tactic imaginable to make a man prove that he is worthy of their physical pleasure. As unfortunate as it may seem, women are not given as much credit for being horny and just desiring sex as much as men are. This is one of those things, which might fall under the double standard category. We know that everybody walking this earth has the same types of feelings, desires, needs, what have you but the only difference is how we respond to them. Men can respond in any manner imaginable. Women can’t. And even though the immediate sexual conquest of a woman is what many, many men in this world desire, achieving that goal is not without consequence – or so is the thought. Believe it or not, men do have more morals and restraint than many women like to think. If the sex is given away freely, there will be inquisitions on why – especially if the woman is one who seems like the type who would never do so. That is why women basically have to trick men into giving them what it is they want when it comes to infidelity. Now one of the simplest tricks when it comes to a female committing the act of infidelity is just to be honest – but let’s be clear; a woman can only be honest about certain parts of her story. She cannot come out and say something to the effect of ‘I’m horny, I’m in a relationship but that doesn’t matter because I want to do it right now’ and this is because the first guy she tries that on (if he has any type of sense or morality whatsoever) will be like ‘how many other guys has she tried this on?’ Now don’t get me wrong, there are quite a few men in this world who want nothing more than to hear a woman say she just wants the physical pleasure but most, especially with the invention of facebook and about a gazillion other social networking sites will be especially wary. They will more than likely be under the impression that the advances from the female are nothing more than a set up to get the man busted. Continuing with the honesty bit, a woman in an unhappy relationship or even in a relationship that is happy but she wants to give the opposite impression, can say that her significant other committed an indiscretion of the cheating kind and she feels that the best way to teach the appropriate lesson is by exacting the precise dose of revenge. Many men will agree that experience and revenge are the two best teachers and will gleefully accept the invitation to jump in those drawers. Many men out here can and will agree with the woman in saying that infidelity is wrong. They will be able to sympathize with her pain because either they have been through an infidelity based situation before or because they have put another through an infidelity based situation. The women will have accomplished their goal by manipulating the minds of the men and the men will more than likely be under the impression that they have helped the woman in some way by providing a service which will help her retain or maintain her sanity.
Another way infidelity is perpetrated by women is by them not letting the men they are interested in know that they are in a relationship at all. Now this method is a kind of role reversal if you will because it has long been perpetrated by men. Men have always been quick to take off a wedding band and cry woes of either being recently separated or not married to get somebody new to fall for them. The problem with this for men was that it rarely worked. Women could always see the ring left behind after the wedding band was taken off. They could always tell that something was amiss when a man could only be available on certain days or at certain times. The difference as well as the thing which makes it easier for women to excel at the same type of treachery is the fact that they don’t have to take off their wedding rings to fool a man they are interested in. They can say things to the effect of ‘I’m single, I just wear this so that random guys won’t approach me looking for dates.’ What they can also do is not wear a ring at all. And this is because men rarely if ever look for a ring which was left on the ring finger after it had been removed and why, it’s because most men would not think that a woman would perpetrate this type of deception and the rest of the men would not care. Women who are cheating will tell stories of not being in a relationship for a number of months or years and how they are desperately looking for the right man to give all of their pent up loving to. Many men will surmise that this woman is just overly horny and an easy mark. The women, and the men who fall for this deception get involved in maybe a one or two night stand and each goes back to their prospective lives. The men who more than likely have no intention on calling the women back after the sexual escapade except maybe for another sexual escapade are often thrown for a loop when they find out that the contact information and numbers they have been given are disconnected, never answered or wrong. And the women who use these men for sex go back to their relationships as if nothing out of the ordinary ever happened.
A couple of the accomplices that many women and men but mostly women use is the computer and the cell phone. These devices provide easy access to services such as online dating and singles websites. Now normally singles websites and online dating are excellent resources for people who are trying to protect their anonymity and have fun at the same time but what many women are doing is using online dating sites as a way of committing their indiscretions. I won’t go down the list because there are literally thousands of them, which assist an individual in perpetrating an affair. The purpose of some of these sites is to provide extra marital affairs, discreet encounters and the like. While these women are on the family computer or at the office computer, instead of doing what it is the family thinks they are doing or what it is that the boss expects them to be doing, they are strolling internet chat rooms, online dating sites and even married but lonely types of web pages trying to get laid. In addition to this, many of these women use cell phones to text messages to and fro their online hidden romances. And because of the fact that texting is an almost completely covert operation, the women can do it right in front of the significant other without him becoming the least bit suspicious. Now although I strongly believe that there is no age restriction when it comes to infidelity, (except of course being too young and being too old) a person must seriously be on the lookout for forty plus women texting as if they were teenagers. It is true; anybody nowadays can text another but a few years ago texting was non existent. When it came to life, it was a means of secure and covert communication for young people. The majority of older people who used cell phones did so mainly because the most titillating feature was the fact that a person could talk without being tied down to a cord. Now what helps many of these women commit these indiscretions is the plain and simple fact that they are women and they have this built in defense if you will of ‘I’m a woman, cheating is a man’s thing.’ And with this in mind, most men out here will not bother to chase after a woman to find them committing a transgression the same way a woman would chase after a man. This is because of the double standard and also because of assumptions. Assumptions when relating to women extend to if they are on the computer, then they are doing something productive. The assumptions continue to if they are on the phone, then they are more than likely talking to or texting a family member or a close friend about something important, like say the real housewives or whatever sports teams wives or celebrity wives are on the television at that particular moment. But these assumptions are what often open the door for many women to commit their indiscretions. It’s said and much believed that a woman would not normally cheat on a man until the relationship is basically over. It is also said that a man will not start snooping and going through emails, phone calls and text messages until basically the same. But as we all know, to every rule there is an exception. We already know that many men will cheat just because there is an excess amount of blood flowing to the lower region. What many people don’t know is that many women will do just about the same. Now no, women do not get erections but they do get as excited or entranced by the sex act the same way men do – and some of these women act on the possibility for little reason other than the fact that they want some and they have a willing partner to give them some. The big division in the sexes is the belief that women do not get as horny as men and if they do, they just alleviate it by communicating it with the girlfriends or fantasizing over whatever entertainer is on the television at that particular time. It is rarely thought that a woman will leave the sanctity and security of her saintly womanhood to go screw somebody with no intention of ever seeing this individual again or in some cases even knowing his name. But they do, trust me when I tell you.
There is the famed girls night out. This is in my opinion, the number one method for the perpetuation of infidelity. The reason why this excuse works so well is because it is used by almost every woman in existence and unless a woman had been caught doing something dirty in the past, then the significant other would have almost no reason to suspect or accuse her. When people cheat, the ones who do it the best are the ones who make it seem like they are not doing anything at all out of the ordinary.
When it comes to committing and exposing infidelity, people will use methods from everywhere. They will use advice from damn near anybody and they will employ tactics the likes of James Bond and Jason Bourne have yet to see. On the side of exposing infidelity, I have noticed that many people use smart phones to do so. This is a great option. Smart phones have the gps thing where an individual can find a lost phone basically wherever it is lost and the smart phones can be used to locate a significant other who does not want to be found. I know of several people who have purchased iphones for their significant others just because the significant others did not want to disclose their locations at certain times. The significant others did not realize that the iphones have an app which when activated will basi