Chapter Three – The Effects Of Infidelity
When the act of infidelity is perpetrated, there will always be ramifications. The ramifications can be separated by gender and they can also be separated by good and bad. On rare occasions the effects can be separated by society. When it comes to gender, the age old double standard often comes into play. Men are, in this day and age still expected to be the unfaithful ones in relationships and women are expected to be motherly, saint-like and whatever else which applies to a good woman, even if they’re not. This is good for the men because it often makes them seem as if they are performing some sort of sacred, coming of age type ritual. It is almost like men will be admonished if they do not commit a transgression when they are in a relationship. But this seems to be more a reflection of the thinking of society than anything else. This emphasizes one of those crazy things about relationships and the thinking of society; if people do not do what is expected, they will be ostracized – even if what they’re doing is the right thing to do. Here’s some proof that almost no one wants to agree with on this matter: if a man does everything for his woman without question, with his ultimate and solitary goal being just to make her happy, then nine times out of ten, he will be seen as some sort of fool. Let me rephrase that: he will be thought of as someone who has no conceptual sense at all. He will be thought of as the epitome of a yes man. He will lose credibility amongst the male population. In other words, he will lose his man card. On the opposite side of the gender spectrum, the belief is more or less the same. If a woman does any and everything for her man without question or hesitation, then she will be looked at as having some sort of mental or moral deficiency. She will be looked at as being totally under the influence of the penis. She will be looked at as being whipped beyond repair. I believe that people have always had these unwritten laws and rules for their relationships. One of those really big and important rules for a relationship is that the relationship and everything, which is done in the relationship, must be 50/50. It cannot be 70/30, 80/20, 60/40 or any other mathematical percentage because if by chance it is, then the one in the relationship who is giving the most will be seen as and believed as being unhappy in some sort of form or fashion. It is not even thought of that the giving individual is completely happy doing so. It is not thought of that the one disproportionately giving the majority in the relationship is doing so just because he or she wants to see the one they are involved with completely happy. The big belief is that people are going to do wrong in relationships sooner or later and instead of one partner playing the loving, caring and supportive significant other, he or she must play policeman or parental figure, aka the one who weeds out the possible deception, which may or may not be going on. People have this thing where they do not want to be used in relationships or at all for that matter but what they many times do not understand is that everybody in a relationship is used for something. People are used for sex. People are used for money. Some are used for their intelligence or even their tolerance and proficiency at raising kids. But the problem with this is that many in relationships do not see their involvement with another in a relationship as them being used. They figure that whatever happens is something that is supposed to be done in relationships. When they’re having sex, they figure that I’m in a relationship, so I am supposed to be having sex. If one partner is always taking care of the kids, they may reason that the other is not as good with kids as they are. This kinda brings to light the fallacy, which is also known as the reason many people get into relationships in the first place and that is that people the world over are looking for perfection in the individual that they choose to deal with. They don’t want to admit it, but it is so true. People know that no one is perfect. They know that everyone will fail at something but yet they continue on that impossible quest. With the example above, people’s hypocritical nature is being shown full blast because while most of the people in this world are petrified of being used or taken advantage of in a relationship, this is many times what they offer to get into a relationship. And here’s the thing which is often not understood or not completely understandable: people in relationships will give everything of themselves all the way up until they feel that they are being taken advantage of - but if a person is in a relationship, shouldn’t they give all of themselves to the other party as a stipulation of the relationship anyway? It’s understandable but hypocritical. A person will say I can give all of me to you but only to a point. If a person were to really give all of himself, there would be no point. There would be no ending. That person would give until death and the other would do the same. But one of the biggest problems in relationships is that people want this 50/50 thing, where if I give to you, you have to give the same or more to me. They want to feel as though their efforts are being rewarded and not just rewarded but rewarded equally. That kinda puts the relationship into a certain perspective now doesn’t it? Nobody in his or her right mind will do everything for the other party in a relationship because that will make it seem like one is taking care of the other and the belief is that adults, especially those in relationships, should be able to take care of themselves. But here’s the thing – there is so much deception in this world that a person will not do all that he or she can all the time because a misunderstood situation may make the masses laugh at the one who is responding to every beck and call and whim of the significant other – which brings us back to the point that a good majority of the things which are done in relationships are done not for the other party in the relationship but for the masses at large. People are so twisted in their thinking that they will usually believe that the only reason for an individual acting in such a giving manner is because that individual had previously been involved in some sort of infidelity and that person is attempting to get back into the good graces of the other. Infidelity holds that kind of power. People will believe that it is because of a prior bout of cheating or because of the other hoping to move the relationship from a friend zone, platonic type of thing, all the way to a full benefit package type of relationship.
When it comes to the effects of infidelity, aside from the ramifications listed above, there is a range, which goes from negative to positive and short term to long term. The negative side of the spectrum is the one that most people are already too familiar with. It is the one that contains anger, distrust and many times hatred toward the one who committed the indiscretion. The positive side of the spectrum is the one many people are not that familiar with and this is because when it comes to infidelity, most people only expect to hear or are only used to hearing negative consequences and feedback. But infidelity does have a positive effect and this is the effect of immediate and drastic change. When an individual cheats on their significant other and gets caught, there are several common responses and courses of action. The first and usually most common is that of denial. If the significant other did not catch the perpetrating party with his or her pants down so to speak, then the accused will often deny the accusation until death – or until he or she is proven guilty without a doubt. If the guilty significant other acknowledges his or her guilt then the next most common response is the apology followed by the promise to never do it again. This is often a two way street. On the one hand, an individual can just speak the words of future and lifelong faithfulness to temporarily pacify the significant other who has been hurt by the indiscretion. This is a very common tactic because people, no matter how much they try and deny this next statement only want to hear what they want to hear. They do not want to hear the truth. Truth entails someone who was caught cheating saying that they might do it again. Truth may entail this person admitting that he or she is addicted to the feelings that sex with random individuals brings. Truth may entail this person saying to the other ‘no matter how much I love you, I just cannot trust myself to only desire one person in a sexual manner.’ Nobody in his or her right mind wants to hear anything even remotely connected to something like that but the sad thing is that this might be the ultimate in truth. People want to be assured that they will never have to worry about being in a situation like what caused the initial infidelity ever again. So they quickly accept the pacification technique, which is the lie that is commonly mistaken for truth. Now on the other hand, a person may see how much hurt he or she has caused the significant other and may possibly be faced with losing the relationship because of the indiscretion. This may make that person turn over a new leaf. It may make that person reevaluate the things in the relationship, which are not worth risking. Some of those things are children and the immediate family life. When a person gets caught in a indiscretion, and just for the purpose of example, I will use a male, cannot see his kids anymore because his wife is so hurt behind the indiscretion, she forbids him from doing so, that man will nine and a half times out of ten, stop doing whatever negative activity he has been doing to keep his family together. When it comes to family life, sometimes it takes years and years to amass tens of thousands of memories and personal effects. And for a person to lose all of those memories and personal effects just because of one act of infidelity, it in no way seems feasible or worth it. Of course there will be a multitude of individuals who will say things to the effect of how they will never ever leave the relationship because of the unconditional love fallacy that is so prevalent in relationships nowadays but just let infidelity enter into the equation and watch how fast that equation will dissolve. Most people know this all too well. They know that if they get caught cheating, no matter how much the other says they love them and will stay around no matter what, the other is fully aware that the relationship will be over. And there is little that can be done regarding that situation. The reason that relationships reach this point is because too much emphasis has been placed on the sexual aspect of the union. And here’s where I have to prove many of the relationships in this world as completely hypocritical: people will say that they are in love. They will say that the love they have is unconditional. They will even say that what God has joined together no man or woman can tear apart but why is it then once infidelity becomes a part of the relationship, the people in the relationship desire nothing more than to exit the relationship or exact the same type of revenge on the cheating party? It is because they have taken everything else in that relationship and compartmentalized it into a nice little 2x2 passport size section of the mind and allowed infidelity or the prospect of to encompass every other free space. They have made the prospect or perpetuation of infidelity the determining factor in whether the relationship is good or bad. They have made infidelity so important that the love at the beginning of the relationship doesn't matter. They have made it so important that the children from the relationship don’t matter. They have made it so important that all of the promises of togetherness and happiness and longevity regarding the relationship, does not matter. This is why the effects of infidelity are sometimes some of the harshest punishments an individual can dole out. Now of course there will be people who’ll say things to the effect of ‘the only reason I’m so mad at them for cheating is because they could have given me a sexually transmitted disease or something along those lines. And there will be others who will claim that they are so hateful toward the one who cheated is because they feel that he or she is in love with the one involved in the indiscretion. But here’s the controversial thing about love and relationships: if there is actual love (you know the kind that causes people to stay together during and after adversity) the reasons why the indiscretion occurred will not really matter all that much now will they? I always hear people say if my mate gives me an STD I’m leaving the relationship. Here’s my thing: if your partner has given you something, then you already know that he or she has it as well. So instead of leaving the relationship and possibly infecting someone else or many others, why not attempt to eradicate the infection and move on with the relationship? I mean isn’t that the ideology behind the unconditional love thing. Isn’t that basically the definition of staying together no matter what? Of course it is. But you and I know that 99% of those reading this book will look at the above advice for relationship correction and say bullshit! They would also say, as stated above if my partner gives me something, I will kill ‘em! So then where does that leave people in relationships in regard to infidelity and its effects? Does this mean to say that as long as the adversity a couple faces is not that extreme, then its okay for that couple to attempt to carry on with the relationship? As a rule people in relationships do not want to go through hard times. They do not want to face adversity at all. And this is why so often these people will not discuss certain things. This is why they will not discuss certain feelings. And this is why many couples bring on unintentional adversity. It is because of fear. People are afraid to make the other unhappy because they know or feel that if the other is unhappy, he or she will not provide what it is the other party in the relationship desires. This desire could be sex. This desire could be money. This desire could be one of a thousand things but the fact that the desire or desires are only one sided, meaning both parties do not want them equally, shows that the relationship is not completely honest and dare I say it – destined to fail.
One of the truly undesirable effects of infidelity is not what happens to an individual’s relationship or to a person’s body. It is the effect of what happens to an individual’s mind. Many people believe that relationships start in the mind and to an extent I agree that an individual must be in his or her right mind and right way of thinking before he or she can even consider involving themselves in a relationship. When a person allows infidelity to infect their mind, they become what is commonly referred to as jaded. These people who become jaded do not allow anyone or anything to change the feelings they have about infidelity and relationships. They most often believe that because infidelity has happened to them a number of times, it will continue to happen so they shy away from relationships. Being jaded when it comes to relationships is never good. It is letting one person’s or a few person’s actions speak for an entire race or gender or certain type of individual. An extreme example of a person being jaded is someone saying I hate all men or I hate all women. And if anyone were to ever speak these words, it would be a clear sign that they are speaking from hurt and little else. No one person has met every individual in this world so it is impossible for the above statements to be correct in any stretch of the imagination. Jaded is little more than a nice way of saying I refuse to involve myself in relationships anymore or I refuse to involve myself with the type of individual who has hurt me. And this is completely understandable because the most, rather one of the most desired forms of therapy when people in relationships get hurt by the other party is separation from the other party. The effects of infidelity are much more severe than just hating someone. They are more than getting mad with somebody for a year or two then forgiving that person for the indiscretion and moving on with your life. Sometimes the effects are lifelong. Sometimes they will make a person lose the desire to be happy. Sometimes they will make a person lose the desire to live. When it comes to the effects of infidelity, many people cannot correctly interpret them. Some people who can somewhat interpret them may confuse them with other problems that people in relationships have or they may confuse them with those who have had a bad relationship experience. What many people do is if they can interpret the effects of infidelity correctly, they often trivialize them to the point of almost non existence. They will say things like so what you got cheated on, get over it. It happens to everybody. Suggestions and advice similar to this are what causes people to not get over it. The funk that these people who have been hurt by infidelity are in causes unhappiness for the people around them and so as not to be the dark cloud or party pooper, the ones who need help out of the infidelity based funk will often put on that ever so bright smile just to make others think that all is well and good and forgotten. What this does however is nothing more than mask the problem. The hurt is still there but the one who is hurting is only learning how to hurt in silence. When a person is involved with someone who has an affair, the short term effects can be confused with many things. The long term effects can be just as confusing if not more. Long term effects are more than you cheated, you hurt me! The long term effects can be anything from depression to hatred of the entire gender. The effects can make people analyze themselves so hard that they may even wonder if they are good enough to be in a relationship at all. As mentioned before, many people can accurately pinpoint the effects of a short term hurt but long term hurt resembles so much that people often confuse it with an individual not being financially stable and this is because that individual may wear the same clothes or if not the same clothes then clothes which are not new. Its almost like they are stuck in the time of the relationship’s demise and are unable to move forward without some kind of closure or some kind of hope of the relationship rekindling. Sometimes that person will not buy new clothes, sometimes they will keep themselves clean but at a lesser level than what was had during the adulterous relationship. And this is so that any chance of this person meeting someone new and forming a relationship is alleviated. This can be done consciously or subconsciously. Subconsciously, because these people know that they have no one to dress for, no one to impress. And it can be done consciously as stated above in an attempt to remain celibate, alone or lonely. Sometimes the depression, which comes from infidelity hurt, can be mistaken for mental problems and much, much more. Usually when people come across someone who would fit into the description of depressed, they often group the reasons for that depression into a few small categories the same way they would group smells for example. Here’s a for instance: if there were a few batches of laundry sitting in a room and one batch was full of clothes that were just washed and in another batch there were clothes that had not been washed in two months and still in another there sat clothes which had been urinated on by the family pet, then most of the people who come upon these items will more than likely group them into the categories of smelling either good or bad. They would not say this one smells like this and this one smells like that. People rarely want to examine the reasons why things are they just seem to want to be happy knowing that they are. The same thing holds true for people who seem or who are actually depressed. Most others outside of the relationship will be able to see that something is wrong and unless they have an inkling of an idea of what is causing the depressed individual to remain so, they will more than likely believe that it is something related to common depression issues, such as the loss of a loved one or the inability to handle life the way they believe life should be handled.