I had an
in-depth discussion regarding the new computer with my mother today.
It started with me explaining my plan in detail and revealing the
estimated cost. The initial shock from her was more or less expected.
As I explained why I decided on that specific plan, though, she was
starting to see it, if still not entirely convinced by the end of it.
With some
further looking and comparing, I managed to cut the total cost of the
build down to around €1,000. Some of the pre-built systems I’d
been looking at prior would’ve been cheaper, but their
specifications weren’t quite what I was looking for. Other
pre-built systems in roughly the same specification tier as the
current custom setup were at least €1,200, which is over my
budget.
The
maximum budget of €1,000 that I’ve set for the new
computer is strict. I’m willing to stretch it ever so slightly,
though, but not by €200. Not even €50, to be entirely
honest. Maybe €10, but even that only if it’s absolutely
necessary.
My parents can
be very understanding when they want to. I talk to my father less
often than my mother, but I feel as though he understands me better
out of the two. Had he been the one to discuss the new computer with
me personally, he’d have taken my word and not asked much more.
Now my mother, on the other hand...
Well, in all
honesty, I don’t blame her. She is who she is. She doesn’t
want me to go off buying the components without consulting her first.
And I understand her in that respect.
I’m a man
of my word. Every promise I make, I never break. I’m an honest
man - sometimes maybe too much so. But I don’t immediately
recall any instances where I’ve unintentionally hurt someone
with my words. If anything, the one I’ve hurt with my words the
most is me.
I’d be
lying if I said I don’t make mistakes. I’m not any more
perfect than anyone else. In many ways, I’m even less perfect.
To this day, I keep beating myself black and blue over past mistakes.
One such mistake
I made when I was 18 years old. I won’t go into the details,
but let’s just say that I wasn’t thinking. Or maybe I
was, but with the wrong organ - one not designed for thinking. I’ll
only say that the organ I was probably thinking with was the heart.
The rest I’ll leave up to you to guess.
I’ve never
truly understood how love is supposed to work in theory. What I
understand even less is how love is supposed to work in practice. I
do understand the concept of love to an extent, but I fail to grasp
it entirely. I’m not even afraid to admit it.
Maybe I just
don’t love myself enough yet. Maybe I just haven’t found
perfect harmony yet. In fact, I know I’m far from having found
perfect harmony. If I still deprecate myself to the point where my
past mistakes haunt me, how could I have?
The answer to
that question is not simple. It’ll take weeks, if not months,
if not years, to find.