Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.
( Robert Frost )1
The Turning 54No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
____________
Date in Re: January 13-14, 1969 Place: At home
Topic: Me
By this date I had become just disgruntled enough with sexism, racism, and other degrading illogical biases to be ready to openly protest them. At least I was after the following associated things as tipped the scales to move woebegone me to as stand up and begin to take charge of my life:
1st One of my three school-age children came home from school with the word me scribbled on the topside of one hand.
Fig. 7. Copy of “Late19thC.jpg.” by Grazhina, picasaweb.google.com.2nd I received an unsettling phone call from that child’s home-room teacher a few hours later.
When I was attending public school in the small rural community of Mathews County, Virginia (1938-1950), it had been my teachers who had motivated me to apply myself. Hence, I was predisposed to expect like personal involvement from public school teachers in general. When this 1960's teacher called to say that she was giving up on how to motivate “that child,” I was both a little miffed and baffled at which way to turn. But it was not of my disposition to accept that there
54 Eleanor Roosevelt , This Is My Storyare no solutions to be found. My feeble, but decisive, closing response to the frustrated teacher was: “There is an answer for every question55, and I guess I’ll have to find it.”
After the children were all in bed, I sat down at the kitchen table to have a private talk with my oh so appealing husband. As it happened, the talk turned into what our sons and daughters would probably call “a fight.” It is true that their father and I were not inclined toward “fussing” like some couples habitually do. If my spouse and I had a difference of opinion, he would simply walk away or ignore me. I would pout or pull the silent treatment for a while. Within a day or two, I would initiate a peace move. No, it was not our regular practice to confront and debate our differences of opinion. But things were different now . . . and becoming even more-so by the hour.
Between the time of espying the bothersome hand-inscribed me, the professional educator’s phone call, and the last one of the four children was in bed for the night, I had decided to forego any thought of returning to college. The combination of parenting duties and student tasks were, I concluded, too much for me. The table conference had been called for the purpose of informing my husband of my decision to not re-enroll at ODC for the 1968 - 1969 spring semester.
After pointing out some of my positive artistic skills compared to those of the traditional wife and mother of our mutual acquaintance, I told him of my decision to not return to college. Expecting a like pat on the back for easing the burden on him and the family budget, I was not prepared for his negative ‘I told you so’ kind of answer. Hurt and infuriated, I shouted back: “I am the Joneses!” Of course, I did not literally mean what I saying. All I was trying to convey was that I was an equally worthy adult human being. My reason for seeking a college degree had never been for status purposes. I wanted to guide seventh grade students through the study of the natural world, and a college degree is required for doing that in a public school.
From the look that came over my husband’s face at my passionate retort, I would guess that he also wished that he had worded his thoughts differently. He looked so crestfallen. Suddenly, I felt alone. Maybe our love was not as I had presumed it to be. Quickly, I thought of a test. At first, my husband would shush my suggestion "to do an experiment.” At my urging, however, he finally agreed to participate:
55 The first clause of the quoted sentence stands as uttered. Although not all answers are mortally knowable, every question does have an answer. For instance, whereas we do not know that the primary creations were designed and caused to come into existences by an Almighty or Infinitely Existing Creative Mental Power, and we do not know that immortal life follows upon the death of our finite body(s), the answer to each question is either a Yes or a No.
We were to cease talking and silently select “the most important word in the world.” At my signal (a nod of the head, I think it was) , we were to simultaneously utter our chosen word.No sooner had the silence begun, I realized that my husband might not choose the word that I was thinking of. What would I do if he did not pick love? How could life be worth living without . . . !? As it turned out, we spoke in unison: “Love” , “Love.” I gasped a silent “Whew!”
We made up. Soon he was peacefully sleeping. Not me. I still had that pledge of the afternoon to deal with. By now, it was after 2:00 a.m. of the night of January 13-14, 1969.No, things were still not right. Love alone was not enough. What was I to do? If I coul d not rely upon the educated “experts” for solutions, where was I to turn? The children had to have at least a high school diploma. What self-supporting jobs could they get without one?
Reflecting upon (1) all that had happened during my year at ODC, (2) what had transpired between my child’s teacher and me, (3) the pledge I had made, and (4) my irrepressible desire for more understanding of the natural world I am of and in, I began expressing my doubts and concerns upward toward the presumed-to-exist Designer/ Maker of the human mind:
“Are You sure,” I silently queried, “You know what's going on down here”?After noting how puzzling and unsettling certain atypical events I observed at ODC in early September 1968 had been for me, I moved on to acknowledge that my sons and daughters needed me at home, . . . and that I was ready to give up my pursuit of a college degree. “But,” I explained, “ I cannot stop my love of learning. I have tried to push back the books, but I cannot stop the desire. You, The Maker of me, can. Take away this desire; then I will settle down, put on the apron, and do the domestic thing like I am supposed to. 56 [pause]
But what of woman; is she to be nothing __ever?Goodnight.”
Turning over upon my stomach, I soon fell asleep. __________
56 The “supposed to” I was alluding to was the biblical author’s idea in Genesis’s 3:16 that subjugation and meek servitude is the natural ordained position of a wife and a mother.
Epilogue
On this night in January 1969, I expected nothing. The prayerful think-out was but a last resort action. I did not know what else to do. All I had left was hope. Not only had I lost faith in the professionals whom I used “to hang onto every word of,” neither did I have any substantial faith or
Fig. 8. "Image-5.jpg"/ Hope" by George F. Watts (at gutenberg.org gallery. Credit: Mrs. Watts).
confidence in myself. But then, how could I? Never having openly questioned or cross-examined what others had said about the Creative Cause of the primary world, I really d i d n o t k n o w what I actually believed or reasoned to be true about either our Maker or the nature of the cosmic world. Whenever what was said or written seemed contrary to the observable laws or patterns of involuntary nature, I skipped over it. Metaphysical issues were in the exclusive purview of ministers, college professors, physical scientists, psychologists and/or like certified professionals__or so I had naively assumed.
Despite this presumption to unfitness and impropriety with regard to philosophical pursuits, I seethed inside whenever I heard it said that The Creator of both genders of us had as sentenced all of the female gender to a position of degrading servitude because of an idolatrous act committed by a first generation woman:57
Unto the woman he [the Lord God (presence of the Almighty)]58 said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. (Genesis 3:16), KJV.
gNo, the fore-quoted assertion is merely that of the person(s) who composed the narrative. 57 So mesmerized was I by the “bible stories, ” I had not recognized the story about the idolatrous acts of a prototype first generation couple( Adam & Eve) for what it is really is: an allegory (a figurative work). 58 No person has ever actually h e a r d e i t h e r T h e A l m i g h t y T h o u o r t h e d i v i n e p r e s e n c e / h o l y s p i r t s a y i n g a n y t h i n g .Although irritated by the biblically-fostered male gender bias, parental duty was the driving force behind why I was praying for relief from the desire that was diverting my attention from my parental tasks. Albeit reluctant to do so, I was resigned to settling for the mundane domestic role that had been historically delegated for a wife and mother. It was not, however, the adage: “a woman’s place is in the home” I was submitting to accept as a fair or valid one; it was my position as a full-time parent that I had decided to reaffirm. Whereas the public school teacher could let frustration drive her to quit trying to find a solution for “that student’s” educational needs, I could not. My responsibility was inalienable. Despite the contributing involuntary sex drives, my children were begun because of the choices my husband and I made concerning sexual intimacy.
*
My present state of mind is markedly different from what it was on the night I did ultra-naively--but with complete sincerity--pray to have my desire for learning taken away from me. At the time of this first ever I-to-Thou prayerful address, no words of praise preceded my appeal for assistance and fair treatment. As portrayed by the authors of (1 ) Genesis to Chronicles and (2 ) Matthew tost nd Revelations, the Creative Cause of the primary world is even more unjust than the worst of us.
Submission to the Creative Power envisioned to have originated our species is not the same thing as revering this presumed Infinite Source of mortal life. In truth, how can anyone honestly feel respect for a Creative Power that would be so unimaginably unfair as to:
1. Favor one gender of us Created human beings over the other gender of us, . . . and favor or assist one of the Created races or ethic groups of us over all the others;2. Exterminate an entire community of men, women, and young children while forewarning Noah ( a paternal ancestor of Abraham) in advance of a pending catastrophic or doomsday degree deluge/flooding;
3. Take land inhabited by certain of the other descendants of the first generation of our species and grant them over to Abraham and/or his posterity;4. Or stoop so low as to force-breed Mary, the espoused bride of Joseph (a descendant of Abraham through “the house of David”), to involuntarily conceive a child 59 ?
59 W e human being as not as animals. Force-breeding of a woman would be equivalent to Supernal rape.
The incidents alluded to on the previous page are but some of the unkind to heinous “crimes against humanity” that have been accredited to the unknown Almighty Creator by the authors of the King James60 and other translators of the historical Jewish and Christian biblical writings. 61
For a Fact: we have two markedly different sources of information about ourselves and the other natural world parts and/or functions:gThe actual natural world.62
g The oral and written commentaries or reports, sculptures, dances, photographs, etc. illustrative messages about the natural world components and events or conditions that have been created and presented by certain of us mortal mental powers.
Inasmuch as we living things of creative human being kind are the only species on earth to continuously be subjected to thoughts or inclinations of two opposing qualities: good or fair kind and the adverse bad or unfair kind, only the conscious voluntary mind’s I part of our conjoined bodymind selves is capable of making imperfect choices (e.g. drawing false conclusions or giving false testimony, etc. errors or wrongdoings).
Keep in mind that all emotions or feelings, dreams, hallucinations, visions, etc. automatic or spontaneous thoughts are involuntary events. We conscious level I-selves observe, reason about and/or make certain decisions or choices about what we consciously experience of involuntary nature kind.
I desire justice or fairness toward all. Yet, at the time I made this prayer, I was judging the envisioned Almighty Thou on the say-so of the authors of the King James Bible. This was unfair of me. Actually, it was worse than unfair; it was idolatrous. Neither any human being nor any human being’s speech or writing is representative of the will or character of the u n k n o w n Creative Cause of our species.
60 At this time in my life, the only “bible” I had ever seen or heard recited from had been a standard King James authorized translation of (1) the Jewish biblical testaments and (2nd) the Christian biblical testaments.
61 and--as I was to later discover--by the authors of the Hebrew Scriptures and Greek Scriptures as well.
62 By natural world I mean both (1 ) primary natural things: E.g. the sun, stars and other distant celestial parts of the primary cosmic world, the planet earth, et cetera, and (2) sub-primary natural things, e.g., procreated human beings, hybrid plants, cross-bred animals, etc. other living things which have been caused by involuntary nature & human volition combined.
When I turned toward the Almighty/Absolute Creative Mental Power on this night back in 1969 and asked, “Are you sure you know what’s going on down here?”, I was not imagining a compassionate Source Cause. All I was assuming was the existence of an Absolute Mental Power, and hoping that somehow this presumed Creative Cause of our species was not as unfair or cruel as the biblical writers had portrayed Same to be. As previously stated, all I had left was hope. Hope is neither blind faith nor specific expectation. Hope is simply hope, never-ending hoping or longing for . . .
*Before moving on to the entry for midmorning of January 14, 1969, I would also like to comment in more detail concerning my presumption that the Designer-Originator of the human mind could make changes to my mind. On the night I asked the question, I was only allowing for what the Maker of the human mind could do. Would do is of course a different question. Does the Almighty Thou ever directly intervene to alter the established involuntary laws or patterns of nature?
Without reservation, my present conclusion is an emphatic “No .”
But prior to reaching this conviction, an acquaintance of mine had cited the theory that in the case of Jesus, the seemingly constant laws of nature governing reproduction of human being kind were as voided. For weeks, that speculation challenged my faith in the fairness of our Creator. Believing as I truly do that the primary world (and thus, also the founding generation of our species) was originated by an Almighty Infinite or Absolute ( Unlimited) Creative Power, I could not argue that such a deed could not be done. Troubled, I turned to do what I have been doing since this night in mid-January 1969, I prayed it out to the envisioned Almighty Thou.
Almighty Thou:
My present philosophical views differ considerably from those I held the first time I addressed You after this direct manner back in 1969. For instance, I no longer assume--as I was partly assuming on that night--that You might somehow grant my request to take away my involuntary desire for learning about the nature of the cosmic world. And why not? Do I not think You are all-powerful? No, that is not the reason. I still believe You are All-powerful, . . . are the Absolute, even The Limit Creative Mental Power, . . . that there is none beyond You. No, it is not the degree of Your Power I question or wonder about. What I question is what I questioned that night in January 1969__Your use of that Power.
In both the Jewish Biblical Hebrew Scriptures and the Christian Biblical Greek Scriptures, You are portrayed as favoring the male human being in general and a man named Abram/Abraham and certain others of his lineage in particular. And it is perplexing or puzzling, I suppose, that only a few people have been recounted of as having undergone an in-depth interaction with the divine presence/ vuvh, source of conscience within the human mind. A hasty conclusion might be that such a person was favored or directly selected by You. However, this is not a hypothesis which I find credible. Why not?
First of all, such overt partiality would cause hurt feelings and conflict between (1) the two genders of us and (2) all four basic racial varieties of us. Putting either an individual or a group of us mortals in such a compromising position would not be to Your advantage. I mean__ who could truly respect You under such unfair conditions? And our genuine respect is the one thing even You cannot obtain from us by merely willing it to be so. I know that I respect what I respect. What I do not feel respect for, I do not feel respect for. It is that simple. Genuine respect has to be merited, earned. For instance, albeit the love I feel for my two sons and two daughters is unconditional, I do not always respect their choices or behavior any more than they always support or respect mine.
No, I do not believe that You ever have directly intervened in human affairs. Such an act would lead to confusion and lack of faith in Your preestablished processes, forces, or other “laws” for mental as well as physical involuntary nature. Selective intervention would invalidate or transgress the silent but seemingly holy emissions from the spiritual presence/conscience/vuvh within the subconscious or involuntary part of the psyche64 of us finitely-embodied human creative beings. Albeit You have the power to disrupt the natural laws which You established in the beginning for governing involuntary physical nature and involuntary mental nature does not mean that You have ever done so. Neither is there any evidence in involuntary nature in support of such a conclusion. For these reasons, . . . and more, I do not believe You have ever interfered with Your preestablished laws of nature.
Let me also state that I owe You an apology. It was idolatrous of me to take another mere mortal’s word for what You are like. But on that night in January 1969 when I prayed to You for the first time, I was not aware of the mesmerizing effects of the biblical authors’ stories upon my mind’s I. Now that I am, it is my hope that I can help others to break free of the as psychological cataracts that might be obscuring their mental I-sight concerning various biblical authors’ fictionalized “literary portraits”of You.
64 I.e., the totality of mental components of us human creative beings, including both (a) the conscious voluntary part and (b) the subconscious involuntary part.Do I respect You? Never having met You, I can neither respect nor not respect You. But I do affirm my appreciation for having been endowed with free will power, common sense with which to reason about things after a logical manner, and a seemingly incorruptible or holy (divine) supportive presence to motivate me to try to make good choices, . . . and also for the privilege of absolutely unlimited private prayer time.
The challenge is hard, very hard. There is still a lot I cannot fathom the necessity or grand purpose of. Like why have volcanic eruptions, tornadoes, earthquakes, typhoons, etc. generally destructive storms or upheavals? What good purpose do they serve?
But the joy of discovery is wonderful. That part is truly wonderful. And as usual, praying out my doubts or concerns to You has helped me recognize things I had not recognized before.
Thanks, and bye for now.
As stated in the Introduction section of this writing, I believe that it is the divine presence / vuvh (source of conscience) within the involuntary subconscious part of our mental selves/psyches that automatically receives and reacts to our prayerful submissions.
I pray a lot because I continue to find it to be a beneficial activity. Meditating involves flipflopping between (a) deliberately composed phrases or sentences and (b) pausing to let whatever comes before one’s mind’s I to flow forth. But in all instances, I have found that in order to benefit from a praying exercise I must be explicitly honest about what concerns me. Both dreams and visions would indicate we voluntary or conscious level I(s) cannot hide our real feelings or opinions from the continually-monitoring subconscious part of our mental system. And considering what began to happen to me within about eight hours after I submitted my first ever “I-to-Thou” directed prayer during this night in January 1969, it would also appear that vuvh /the divine presence part within does automatically keeps track of the immediate state-of-mind of the controlling conscious level voluntary mind’s I self part of each of us.
That said, I shall move on to the next entry.˜ Date in Re: January 14, 1969 Site: Family residence Event: “An ultimate experience”
2’From Fear to Faith’
______________
My husband was at work. The older children were at school: two in high school, one in elementary school. Our youngest child, a fiveyear-old daughter, was playing in the living room. I65 was seated at the northwest end of the kitchen table66 examining an essay I had begun a day or two before on the meaning of Truth.
"What is truth?” I had posed, “nothing more than a word to swear by”?67 Pondering what to say next, my concentration was suddenly
Fig. 9. Image adapted from a small Rembrandt drawing. interrupted by . . .
65 My reason for adding the i is to point to where we thinking beings are within our finite bodies of either male-gendered or female-gendered Human Being kind. I chose the lower case i because it shows up better in this sketch than the upper case I does. Please keep in mind that whereas we do not have total recall of each instance, everything each of us hears, sees, smells, touches, tastes, or is touched by is perceived of by we invisible inner voluntary conscious level I selves.
66 See a floor plan (#011469) in The Appendix to get idea of where I was during each vision event. 67 E.g., “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you . . . “?an overwhelming and unprecedented pulsating sort of feeling, along with a terrible headache. There was a steady intense pressure. My body felt more pressed or weighted upon the chair. “It is as if,” I thought to myself, “the gravity had doubled.” 68
Wonder arose. Remembrance of the biblical story about Moses’ spiritual revelation experience flashed before me. “Could it be . . . ? But that's impossible! It cannot be. Yet, suppose it is? What will people say? What do I have to lose”? Nothing, I decided, and proceeded to submit to the then unidentified cause of the never-before-experienced set of physiological conditions.
Extremely frightened as well as a bit self-conscious, I contemplated: "But how? What can I do to help myself? Aye, the typewriter.” Fighting the urge to hide, while at the same time struggling to relax and cease deliberated thinking, I placed my fingers onto the ”home-keys” of the old manual Underwood typewriter, took a deep breath, and with a quickly gasped silent “OK,” submitted to the yet undetermined cause of the so-compelling sensations. [With the first thought of the typewriter, I had also decided to try to document everything that occurred as it occurred.]69
Never had I typed so fast in my life. It seemed like ten to fifteen minutes worth, but I would estimate the actual typing time was much, much less. As suddenly as it had begun, the pressure sensation lifted and my hands flew up.
At first, my physical vision was slightly blurred. A warm, moist mist swirled around about my head, shoulders, and face. Cool drops of fluid slowly rolled down my flushed cheeks, especially on the left side of my face. They felt so pleasantly cool, and not as tears. I was not crying inside.
As my eyes cleared, I glanced at the top of the page sticking up in the typewriter and saw what I had typed as the involuntary sensory impressions, spontaneous thoughts, and my own chosen voluntary responses were occurring. The first line was as follows:
Fig. 10. Adapted from 1968 I.D. photo of me. The Lens flare marks the area where I experienced the presence vision. The blurring represents the swirling mist.
“Oh my God70, You are real; You really are!”68 The earth’s gravity does not change; however, emotional changes can produce associated physical changes. For a common example, the mere sight of a corpse will cause some people to go limp and faint. 69 And I did. However, most were too messy to keep. In the main, I am doing this rewrite from memory.
70 g The word God was a m is-m atch of word with reality. All I experienced was a very, very brief sensory vision of an invisible presence hovering slightly above the uppermost right-hand corner of my forehead. It had become evident immediately following my consensual “OK.” See the Epilogue portion of this entry for additional commentary on the visions I experienced between thi