Chronicles of a Cheater by Jae Monique - HTML preview

Chapter 6

Can the relationship be saved after cheating?

Chronicles of a Cheater

Overcoming cheating, infidelity, or an affair can be one of the most challenging situations to overcome in a relationship. Some people choose to stay at try to work things out while others decide to go their own separate ways. The reasons why people make the decisions they make are on an individual basis.

Some decide the stay and work things out because they have children together, they are a stay at home mom with no money, the woman has become dependent on the man, and many other reasons. Others choose to leave because infidelity is too intolerable.

One of the things to consider when deciding whether to stay in the relationship or not is if the relationship is worth saving. Here is a questionnaire that was compiled on truthaboutdeception.com: If you had to create a short list of people you could spend the day with, would your partner be on that list? Do you genuinely enjoy each others company? Do you laugh when you're together?

Your

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If your partner would be on the list of people you could spend the day with, then you may be on the tight track. In a relationship, you should genuinely enjoy each others company and laugh when you are together, the relationship may be worth saving. If you can't wait to get away from your partner and you Chronicles of a Cheater

do not enjoy your partner's company, then you're more than likely on a track towards disaster. If you cannot even laugh sometimes when you are with your partner, then your relationship may not be worth saving.

Do you have the same values, goals and interests? Do you and your partner enjoy doing the same things? Do the two of you want the same things out of life?

Your

answer:____________________________________________________________________________

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It's is a good sign when you and your partner share the same values, goals, and interests. They do not have to be identical to each other, but you should have at least some common goals and interests. You and your partner should enjoy doing the same things, even if you do not enjoy everything that your partner does, the two of you should be on the same page. Example: If your partner likes to go out and mingle, but you do not like to go out at all and would rather sit home and read a book, then you and your partner are probably not on the same page. If you value education and your partner thinks getting an education is stupid, then you may have a problem. If the two of you are mostly not on the same page, then the relationship may not be worth saving.

Do you express a lot of affection and appreciation for each other? Or is there mostly indifference, negativity and hostility in your relationship?

Your

answer:____________________________________________________________________________

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Even though every single day is not going to be a perfect day in your relationship, you and your partner should express affection and appreciation for each other. A majority of the time should not be filled with negativity, hostility or animosity. If you and your partner are still showing a lot of affection and appreciation for each other then your relationship may be worth saving. If your relationship is filled with negativity, animosity, or hostility then your relationship may not be worth saving.

Does your partner make you feel understood? Does your partner try to see your point of view?

When discussing things, does your partner listen to what you have to say?

Your

answer:____________________________________________________________________________

Chronicles of a Cheater

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You and your partner should be able to understand each others point of view. You should be able to attentively listen to what each other has to say. You and your partner should not be getting overly defensive or having an intense argument every time you two sit down to have a discussion. If you and your partner are able to sit down, talk, and understand each others point of view, then you are on the right path and your relationship may be worth saving. If you and your partner only understand your own points of view and cannot take the time out to listen to what the other person is saying, then your relationship may not be worth saving.

Is your relationship based on fairness? Does your partner see you as an equal? Do you feel you are treated with respect? Or do you feel used, exploited, or taken for granted?

Your

answer:____________________________________________________________________________

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Your relationship with your partner should be fair and equal. You and your partner should be treating each other with respect. You should feel that your partner appreciates you. You should not

Do you feel that your partner will be there for you in time of need? Can you count on your partner for help when the going gets tough?

Your

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You should feel that your partner will be there for you in time of need. A relationship is not just based on the good times, it's based on the bad as well. When things are not going well for you in your personal life, your partner should be there to help. If you feel that your partner is not there for in you time of need, then your relationship may not be worth saving.

Do you feel comfortable sharing your innermost thoughts with your partner? How easy is it for you to talk to your partner about sensitive issues?

Your

answer:____________________________________________________________________________

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Chronicles of a Cheater

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You and your partner should have a friendship along with your relationship. You should feel

comfortable sharing your thoughts with your partner. It should not feel like a battle-field to talk with your partner about issues or to express your thoughts and feelings. If you and your partner are comfortable sharing your thoughts with each other, then your relationship may be worth saving. If you feel like you cannot express your thoughts, then your relationship may not be worth saving.

When you disagree with each other, do the two of you work together and try to resolve your difference? Or is there a lot of hostility, disregard and contempt when disagreements arise?

Your

answer:____________________________________________________________________________

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When you and your partner disagree with each other, the two of you should be able to try to resolve your differences. There should not be animosity or hostility when disagreements arise. If the two of you can sit down and talk out your differences and work together, then your relationship may be worth saving. If you and your partner cannot try to resolve your differences and there is a lot of animosity, then your relationship may not be worth saving.

Does your partner satisfy you sexually? Do you have sex on a regular basis? Or are you

disappointed or frustrated with your sex life?

Your

answer:____________________________________________________________________________

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You should feel that you are being sexually satisfied by your partner and on a regular basis. You should not feel frustrated with your sex life. If you and your partner are still having a passionate sex life, then your relationship may be worth saving. If you find that the sex life and changed in your relationship and the sex is not where it should be, then your relationship may not be worth saving.

After you have answered these questions for yourself and you decide you move forward with your relationship, there are some helpful tips to help you recover.

As listed on Readers Digest, here are 10 steps to healing a relationship after an affair or cheating: 1st Step: Honesty

Open up to your partner about how much the affair hurt you and tell him exactly how you feel. Do not hold back your emotions. This will let your partner now how much hurt and pain their behavior has Chronicles of a Cheater

caused you.

On Reader's Digest, in the wake of discovering infidelity, Spring asks the wronged party to detail their grievances to their partner by articulating an unsparing and emotionally raw declaration. “It is vital that the hurt person feels heard. It's easy to feel crazy with grief, and they need to understand that they have a language to talk about their pain.

2nd Step: Take Responsibility

This is the step for the cheating partner to take on. The cheating partner needs to acknowledge the pain that they have caused and to take accountability for their actions. The cheating partner needs to not defend or make excuses for what they have done.

On Reader's Digest, just an importantly, the adulterous partner must be prepared to face the heartache that their infidelity has wrought. Many unfaithful individuals feel paralyzed with guilt; they see the affair as irreparable damage, and mistakenly urge their partners to put the pain behind them than take time to grieve. Spring insists that the offender “bear witness” to the pain they've caused rather than defend or deflect the impact, and pinpoints this willingness to take responsibility as vital to the rebuilding of trust.

3rd Step: Apologize in Writing

The cheating partner should write a letter apologizing for what they have done. They should not just say that they are sorry to redeem themselves to the person who was cheated on. If your partner truly wants the relationship to work and is truly sorry for what they have done, then they should write you a letter of apology.

On Reader's Digest, after the adulterer has listened openly and understandingly to their partner's declaration, Spring suggests that the cheater paraphrase the account in their own words. Spring then suggests that they write out a detailed, specific letter to prove they understand the sorrow they've caused. And a miserly “I'm sorry” won't cut it. “I'm sorry goes about a quarter-inch deep”.”Verbal reassurances, promising you won't do it again, that means nothing after cheating. They have to prove they've heard and understood their partner on the deepest level, and that means citing very specific examples of how they've hurt them and then taking actions to prove they will not do so in the future.”

4th Step” Avoid Cheap Forgiveness

Forgiving is okay, but do not just forgive and forget off the top. Make your partner understand how much they have wronged you and how much pain they have caused you. Do not cut yourself short by feeling afraid of losing your partner or being alone. You were the person that was wronged and you deserve that respect out of your partner.

Sometimes the desire to salvage the relationship (and on the flip side, the fear of losing a partner) overwhelms the necessity to vent anger, and wronged partners forgive before they've had a chance to seethe. Spring calls this “cheap forgiveness”, and finds this behavior in spades among people who are more afraid of being alone than staying with an unfaithful partner. Not only do cheap forgivers swindle themselves out of a healthy grieving process, they set themselves up for future infidelities by not forcing their partners to understand their pain.

5th Step: You should take responsibility too

Chronicles of a Cheater

Sometimes, you could have contributed to your partner's cheating behavior. It's still their fault that they cheated and they made the choice to cheat on you. However, you should still also accept some type of blame in this situation. Men cheat for a variety of reasons and you could have had a role in him feeling like he had to go elsewhere to fill in something that was missing.

On Reader's Digest, even in relationships where only one person is betrayed, oftentimes both members bear the blame for the affair. Spring acknowledges that the unfaithful person must own up to 100% of their guilt (“because no one forces you to cheat”) but the wronged party must also acknowledge their own role in fostering an unhappy union, however miniscule. The hurt person must see how they had a hand in facilitating the loneliness or isolation that compelled their companion to have an affair and take steps to ensure greater emotional intimacy in the future.

6th Step: Set Boundaries

In order to regain trust in the relationship, you will need to set some ground rules or boundaries. Let your partner see that what they used to get away with before, they will not get away with now. This also gives you back your confidence in your partner and in the relationship.

On Readers Digest, “there are specific ways to earn and grant trust in order to allow the relationship to recover”. Spring suggests that the couple established ironclad, non-negotiable rules at the beginning of the healing process. “The wronged person can request that their partner always answer the cell phone, even if they can't have a conversation. If someone had an online relationship, the hurt person can demand that every time they walk in the room and their partner is on the computer, they can look over their shoulder to see what they are doing.” Spring insists that this power imbalances eases the insecurity and mistrust that the hurt party feels, while also proving the offender's willingness to concede certain rights to privacy while their companion regains confidence in the relationship.

7th Step: Get back the Sexual Intimacy

This is a learning process, especially when a partner has been cheated on. One of the things that the cheating partner can do it limit the amount on distractions while having sex with their partner. This will lead to higher performance without making the partner feel insecure or unwanted.

On Reader's Digest, one of the greatest hurdles in the healing process lies between the sheets. “Often, a couple feels like the other person is sitting in between them, like a ghost, and that conception strains sex. Spring says, the phantom interloper can have dire consequences: the unfaithful person often feels pressured to please in bed, leading to distraction and low performance, which the hurt party, already injured and insecure, interprets a lack of interest and physical attraction. “It's not about hanging from the chandeliers to regains passion. “It takes time to rebuild physical intimacy after one partner has slept with another person. Spring suggests that couples fostering sexual intimacy by creating an ongoing dialogue of fears and and desires that eventually lead to physical vulnerability.

8th Step: Ignore the Phrase-Once and cheat always a cheat

On Reader's Digest, Though conventional wisdom has posited the phrase, “once a cheater, always a cheater, Spring disagrees with that advice. “That's a very dangerous assumption.” So many adulterous people have come to me because they're ambivalent about what they've done, or because they want to know how to stop. Yes, there are people who will cheat again and again. But there are people who cheat once and never, ever do it again. They learn their lesson.” Nevertheless, Spring warns against telltale Chronicles of a Cheater

red flags among adulterers. “If they're not willing to listen to their partner talk about the pain they've caused, it's probably not worth the effort of rebuilding trust.”

9th Step: Face Reality

On Reader's Digest, in the aftermath of cheating, it's easy to feel as if your relationship is uniquely dysfunctional, yet the majority of long-term couples undergo at least one instance of infidelity. The stigma surrounding adultery keeps the issue on the DL, but take heart: many couples emerge from an affair feeling closer and more honest than ever before. Most relationships could benefit from some degree of trust-building and emotional closure, regardless of what spurs the development.

10th Step: Letting Go

On Reader's Digest, the step suggested in step 5 only works if the wronged person gradually loosens the tight leash as their pain fades and trust grows over time. The onus rests on both parties to prove they are willing to put renewed energy in their relationship, which requires taking risks in a partnership that was formerly fraught and alienating.

http://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/10-steps-to-healing-a-relationship-after-an-affair/2/

Dr. Phil's advice on moving forward after cheating for both those who were cheated on and those who did the cheating: http://drphil.com/articles/article/16

Here are Dr. Phil's steps to moving on after being cheated on:

It is absolutely vital for you to move forward with life and love. Being willing to trust again is key.

Take things one step at a time.

Don't try to make sense out of nonsense, Rationalizing your cheating partner's behavior or

sympathizing with him is pointless. It is never okay to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within a relationship. It's not your fault. On the contrary to what Spring stated in the Reader's Digest article in step 5: The hurt person must see how they had a hand in facilitating the loneliness or isolation that compelled their companion to have an affair and take steps to ensure greater emotional intimacy in the future. Dr. Phil says, This is not your fault. Stop beating yourself up about this. You have got to know that this has nothing to do with you. You are not the one who made the decision to break your commitment to your partner and cheat. You have nothing to do with your partner making the immature, inappropriate, self-destructive choice to turn away from you to someone else.

Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters.

If your partner wants back in, he will have to earn his way back into the relationship. Renegotiate the relationship in a way that works for both of you.

Remember that it is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.

There comes a point in time where you may have to draw a line and say, “That's it, I'm done. I'm not Chronicles of a Cheater

mad at you. I withdraw my feelings, I withdraw my emotions. You just go to whatever you're going to do because I'm not going to live like this anymore.” Don't stay together for the children. Remember, kids would rather be from a broken home that live in one. They're much better off with one well-adjusted, happy, thriving parent, than they are with two who are cheating, lying, fighting, and living with stress and pressure.

If there was a child born of the infidelity, understand that your partner will forever have a relationship with that child's other parent. You have to make the decision about whether you can resolve to be part of that or not.

Decide if you can choose to forgive

Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn't mean what your partner did is okay. How much you trust your partner is in part about what your partner does, and in part a function of whether you have confidence to handle it if he disappoints you. If you find out that he strays again, can you handle that?

Dr. Phil's advice to those who cheated:

Own the problems that you created by having an affair. You cannot change what you don't

acknowledge.

It is unfair to compare a new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship to one you've been in for years where there are kids, bills to pay, a house to run and noses to wipe.

In order to resolve your relationship, contact with “the other person” must be cut off 100 percent. You can't work dealing with the consequences of the affair while you're still having it.

Don't rely on your heart to tell you what to do; rely on your intellect. Do what logic tells you is the right thing to do.

Make the hard decisions. Either leave the relationship to free your partner, or commit to stay.

Remember, checking out of one relationship before you finish it appropriately doesn't work.

Ask yourself: What are you doing to help your partner get past the affair?

Be mature enough to recognize that life is not always all about you and what feels good for you in the moment. If you are married and have children, you have the obligation and a commitment that far transcends what feels good.

Help the partner who did not have the affair find emotional closure. You must do whatever it takes until your partner finds it. If it requires you to check in with your spouse multiple times a day, then do it. It'll require you being where you're suppose to be, when you're suppose to be, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, so your partner can trust you again.

Accept responsibility:

Have the decency to tell your partner in all honesty and candor that you own your choices. You;re the one who ran the relationship off in a ditch. This had nothing to do with your partner. If you want to fix your relationship, you have to accept responsibility and do whatever it takes to earn your partner's trust Chronicles of a Cheater

back one step at a time.

If a child was born of the infidelity, you will have to have contact with the other person in order to be co-parents. And you do this the right way by not having any contact without your partner's

involvement. If you want to talk with the other person, then you do it with your partner present.

Want to know if something is cheating? If you wouldn't do it with your partner standing there, it's cheating.

If your marriage or relationship is over and you have children, understand that your relationship with your ex will never end. You will always at least be co-parents of your children. Build a new relationship as allies.

Do you know what a healthy relationship is? Figure out what you want and behave your way to

success. Keep in mind, you can no longer be in contact with the person you were having an affair with.

Avoid the places you know she frequents, change your phone numbers, and if you're unsure of your strength in staying away from her, then move. If you're so out of control that you're like a moth to a flame, then get away from the candle.

Re-engineer your life

If you are a sex addict, and you really want to change this, it's not a quick fix. It's an entire re-engineering of you life, values, beliefs, thoughts, conduct and emotions. It's about deconstructing your life and reconstructing your future. Unless you get professional help, you're going to continue to victimize everybody who you touch because you're controlled by your impulses rather then your values.

If you were cheated on and you can't forgive your partner and move forward on your relationship, you will need to find a way to trust a new relationship. Dr. Phil's advice on trusting a new relationship: Are you trustworthy? If you want a good partner, be a good partner.

Are you afraid of the saying, “if they did it with you, they'll do it to you” is true? You can't control your partner's behavior. If this relationship is going to work, you are going to have to own your own behavior.

Stop being manipulative. Search your character and decide what you have to do to not be vengeful.

Chronicles of a Cheater

Bonus Chapter 7

Women Cheating

Chronicles of a Cheater

Men are not the only one's who cheat, women cheat too. Either way you look at it, it's still wrong. The cheating signs with a woman might be different than the cheating signs with a man. Many say that it's harder to detect if a woman is cheating than if a man is cheating.

Here are some signs that a woman is cheating:

She detaches herself from your family

Women tend to have a guilty conscience like men. If you notice that all of a sudden, she no longer wants to go to your family's events, then that may be a sign that she's cheating on you.

She constantly nags you

This by itself, may not be a direct sign of cheating unless this is in conjunction with another red flag. If you feel like you are walking on egg shells and almost every petty things ticks her off, then she may be just trying to find an excuse to lash out on you. When she is constantly nagging you for almost no reason, then it may be a reason in her head to justify what she has done behind your back. If she habitually begins to point out your every flaw, you may want to get down to the bottom of what's really going on because she may be cheating on you, (askmen.com).

She has a mysterious friend

There is really nothing wrong with a woman befriending the opposite sex, but like everything else, there are boundaries. If all of a sudden, she has some mysterious male friend that you have never met and this is not someone who she knew before, you may want to keep an eye on her. “Whether it's someone she claims is a co-worker or an old friend from way back, she keeps this friendship under Chronicles of a Cheater

wraps and is hesitant to share any general details about him, much less introduce you. It doesn't take a Ph. D to figure out why”, (askmen.com).

She gets defensive for simple questions

This is not an interrogation. You are just simply asking her a question about her day or what time she is getting of work. These are pretty normal questions to ask someone. “You should be suspicious of your girlfri