Day 1
Are You Committed
to Feeling Sexy?
Whenever I’m asked, “Can this program really make me feel sexier?” my immediate reply is, “Yes it can! But are you ready to commit to feeling sexier? ” Feeling sexy and wanting intimacy is quite natural—everyone deserves an enjoyable sex life. Feeling sexy starts on the inside as a desire to express and share your uniqueness and sensuality. If you want to express it, you first have to feel it.
Our celebrity-focused media tells us it’s all about how you look and what you wear. We know that’s not true but insecurities about our self image starts the negative self talk and the inevitable comparisons.
Unfortunately, we judge ourselves the harshest and compromise our longings, letting the most intimate part of ourselves slip away.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone! I hear from many women who are frustrated with the lack of sexual intimacy in their relationship.
What they long for is a return to the days when the feelings and emotions were unbridled and there was a thrill in holding hands, caressing warm skin and you always found the time to make love.
For the next 30 days, I’ll only have a couple of minutes to remind you of your commitment and offer a quick tip to get your passion burning.
For the rest of the day, it will be up to you to sniff your patch and trigger those sensual feelings.
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3 0 D a y s t o a S e x i e r Y o u !
Thought for Today
Research into female sexuality suggests that up to 40% of women suffer from some form of female sexual dysfunction. We’ll talk more about that later but be careful about giving such statistics too much attention. You are an intricate interplay of body, mind, emotion and spirit. Oftentimes a slight adjustment is all that’s required for balance to return.
Try this Today
Oh, the joys of a sensual touch! Periodically throughout the day, touch yourself sensually by stroking your fingertips gently across your arms, neck, hair and ear lobe. Tease yourself by brushing against your breasts and inner thighs. Allow yourself to feel sensual and to enjoy those intimate, personal moments.
Oh, and one last thing... Remember to sniff your patch today!
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Day 2
Desire Always Comes First
What prompted you to give your attention to your sexuality?
Was it something you felt missing? Or was it the urgings (or pressure) from your partner?
We all know that men and women are hard wired in different ways.
Most women can’t believe how quickly a man’s desire for sex can be put into physical motion and many men get frustrated on how long a woman can take before she’s ready for sex. Viva la difference! Instead of finger pointing, working to balance these extremes is a far better solution.
Most articles and advice columns focus on the mechanics of physical sex. Seldom is there attention paid to the most important aspect – sexual desire.
Pharmacies and department stores are introducing a sexual health category with a growing range of products designed to enhance the physical enjoyment of sex. However, an increasing number women (and men) suffer from a loss of sexual desire and it is desire that kindles sexual and intimate behavior. Without the flame of desire, it is difficult to enjoy the pleasures of physical sex in a long-term relationship.
It is the desire to express your sexuality into your relationship that builds the comfort, the reassurance and satisfaction inherent in a healthy sex life. When desire for intimacy is there, the mechanics of physical sex are much easier to deal with.
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3 0 D a y s t o a S e x i e r Y o u !
Thought for Today
Studies have indicated that women are likelier to fantasize about sex, masturbate, initiate sex with their mates, and wear provocative clothing around ovulation than at any other time of the month.
Women obviously can, and do, have sex outside their window of reproductive opportunity, but it makes good reproductive sense for them to have some extra oomph while they are fertile.
Try this Today
The way you were. Reflect back to a time in your life when your sexual desire was the strongest and most satisfying. (Don’t worry if that occasion does not include current partner; that’s okay!) Now, go there and feel what that feels like today. Put your emphasis on what you’re feeling, not who you were with. Let those feelings rise up so they consume you.
Oh, and one last thing... Remember to sniff your patch today!
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Day 3
What’s the Deal
with Low Libido?
Whether your libido is considered high or low is often dependent on your partner’s libido. If you and your partner both have what would be considered a low libido, then low libido would not be an issue. It’s when one partner has a libido that is higher or lower than their partner’s that relationship problems can occur.
Very few couples have identically matched sex drives all of the time.
Recognizing the discrepancy in the levels of sexual desire is the first step to resolving the differences.
When there’s a relatively minor discrepancy in the sexual desire you and your partner share, there’s little cause for concern. But when the desire discrepancy is more obvious, this can have a negative impact on the relationship.
If you’re the one with the lower libido, you may feel that their partner is only interested in sex. Feeling guilty for having a lower libido can lead to strategies to avoid sex, such going to bed earlier (or later) than your partner, pretending to be asleep, using the “I’ve got a headache” line or starting an argument just before bedtime. Oftentimes sex becomes an activity just to keep the partner happy rather than out of desire and passion.
Your partner, who has a higher sex drive than you, will increase their attempts to engage in sex. This, of course, just makes the situation worse because you’ll feel pressured, and therefore even less inclined to have sex.
Your partner may feel angry or frustrated and even distressed that you no longer seem interested in him. It’s a downward spiral. If this sounds like your situation, it’s time to address the issue.
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3 0 D a y s t o a S e x i e r Y o u !
Thought for Today
Pointing fingers at who is to blame for a loss of intimacy in a relationship gives immediate feedback on who’s really at fault. My mother often chided me when placing blame on others, “Remember there are three fingers pointing back at the real culprit!” The quality of your communication with your partner will give you insight into the quality of your relationship. You can fake it in the bedroom but you can’t fake it in your heart. If something is missing –
or gone amiss – then bring it into the open. It needs to open in your heart first – that’s not a step you can avoid.
Try this Today
Don’t overwhelm yourself. Identify one thing you can implement today that will improve the quality of your sexual expression with your partner. Words, a gesture, a touch or a smile – start taking control of expressing your feelings to your partner.
Oh, and one last thing... Remember to sniff your patch today!
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Day 4
You Really Are #1
Many women rate their level of sexual desire in terms of what they think it should be; not what it factually is. The media’s obsession with sex would have us believe that mind blowing orgasms are a regular menu item in most couple’s bedrooms. Nothing is further from the truth!
While I was exploring the area of sexuality and the baby boomer demographic, I quickly realized that most boomers had long forgotten the sexual revolution of the 60s. They were entrenched in the issues of today: careers, family dynamics, finances, ageing and health.
This is not unusual. The human body is wired to be most sexually responsive during our teens and twenties when reproduction is of prime importance and we have few responsibilities. Sexual activity during that cycle is geared to insure the survival of the human race. As we get older, the memories of those heady days rears its head and reminds us of what once was. But life moves on, which usually means taking care of the fruits of that unbridled time—children. The focus and priorities change from
‘my partner and I’ to ‘my children, my partner and I’. Note that the ‘I’
always comes last.
To ignite your sexuality, you’ll want to change your priorities and start putting yourself first. Start with subtle change—your family or partner may not even notice—and take moments to feel your sensual self. You are creating a space for intimacy. This is the key to a healthy sex life.
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3 0 D a y s t o a S e x i e r Y o u !
Thought for Today
If your idea of sexual pleasure is just something that happens in the bedroom after everything is taken care of, it’s time to allow those sexual currents that swirl all around you come into play. You don’t have to look very hard—flowers, birds and animals are in a constant mode of sexual play. Humans are too! If sex is the last thing on your mind, it will also be the last thing you give attention to. Start moving sexual desire up your ladder of priorities.
Try this Today
Keep a score card today. Just for the fun of it, keep a count of the number of sexual expressions you see throughout the day. The ones on TV don’t count; these need to be from the real world! Look carefully; they are often very subtle.
Oh, and one last thing... Remember to sniff your patch today!
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Day 5
Sex is an Emotion
When I heard about Scentuelle and how it uses our sense of smell to enhance the libido, I was skeptical. Although I’ve use aromatherapy to help me relax and unwind, taking aromas to the next level seemed rather far fetched. But after some research, I concluded that my skepticism was unfounded. Our sense of smell really is more powerful than we imagine!
I spoke at great length with Liz Paul, co-founder of the company that funded the research for Scentuelle. She is a well known sexual health advocate in the U.K. and an award-winning inventor of several innovative sexual health products. Liz would often emphasize to me that the pharmaceutical companies had it all backwards when it came to the female libido. “Sexual desire isn’t just about the motion,” she says. “A women’s sexual desire starts on the inside as an emotion. Isn’t that where the focus should be?”
Drugs companies are busy looking for the ‘pink Viagra’ and the windfall profits they assume will follow. But drugs designed to work on physical response will do little to activate the emotions behind the female sex drive. We all know that! How often has your partner been hot and heavy for sex and tried to turn you on when you just weren’t in the mood. You may have gone through motions—even felt physically turned on—but if your heart is not in it, the end result will be unsatisfying. You can’t manufacture sexual desire. But you can re-ignite the passion and feelings that were once part of your sexual expression. For many women, the desire is still present but the priorities have changed. Sex is left for the last thing at night. And that’s usually when we’re too tired to think about much else than sleeping.
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3 0 D a y s t o a S e x i e r Y o u !
Thought for Today
Contrary to popular belief, Viagra has nothing to do with male sexual desire. It is a chemical that restricts the blood from flowing back out of an erect penis. The pharmaceutical companies focus on the mechanics of sexual function. However, most women are driven by the emotion of sexual desire. “I’m not in the mood” is a line most men don’t like to hear. If you’re not in the mood, getting your body to respond sexual is not an easy task—as most men know!
Try this Today
Lingerie isn’t just Victoria’s Secret. Wearing sexy lingerie starts your juices flowing and sets a mood for intimacy. Feeling soft and smooth says you’re ready for a sexy time! Treat yourself and buy a silky camisole. You don’t need to look like a lingerie model to dress like one. Men are visual creatures and the idea that you’ve put on something that is explicitly for sex will be enough.
Oh, and one last thing... Remember to sniff your patch today!
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Day 6
FSDD is NOT a Disease
As I was researching the area of low libido, I read, over and over again that over 40% of women suffer from Female Sexual Dysfunction Disorder. FSDD is defined as a lack of sexual desire including a decline in or absence of sexual thoughts or fantasies, and a lack of interest in sex or being sexual. FSDD is one of the most prevalent female sexual health problems. It may be a problem, but it’s not a disease.
Some women will feel comforted— “At least I’m not alone with this problem”, while others will feel overwhelmed— “Wow there’s a lot of women with this problem.” Women need to be very suspicious of the corporate and medical agenda behind these statistics. The basis for FSDD
is based on shaky criteria since no one has been able to define what the benchmark of sexual desire in women actually is. Unlike a physical problem such as erectile dysfunction in men, sexual desire is a personal experience which cannot be quantified by scientific measuring.
Unless there is a physical reason for a low libido, the important thing to remember is that low libido is often a temporary situation, not your future experience. Don’t be fooled into believing you have a disease or disorder and that the drug companies are going to provide you with a solution. That is not going to happen.
What is temporary, you ask? It may take a couple of months or longer to re-ignite your libido after having a baby. This is also true after a serious operation or illness. Emotional distress will also have an impact on how quickly a libido responds. Menopause and ageing are two other life cycles that impact sexual response and are difficult to assign a timeline to. When you see low libido in context of your life cycle, the problem becomes much more manageable.
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3 0 D a y s t o a S e x i e r Y o u !
Thought for Today
Instead of comparing how things were in the past, you can use the problem of a low libido to discover a new sexuality that suits you now. What is it that you want from your sexual expression?
Pleasure? Sex? Intimacy? Trust? Comfort? A sense of security?
Feelings connectiveness and being loved? Most women want all of those things! What impact is the presence (or lack of) those feelings having on your life and your relationship?
Try this Today
How do you rate? How would you rate your level of sexual desire…
on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 – none; 10 – fully satisfied). Let go of any expectation or pressure of what your partner—or anyone else—
feels your level of desire should be. Living up to someone else’s expectation just contributes to the emotional stress around sexual function. Make this exercise all about your feelings and your level of sexual desire. Once you’ve identified where you are at, then you have a starting point.
Oh, and one last thing... Remember to sniff your patch today!
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Day 7
What You Focus On, Grows
We’ve all heard the expression, what you put your attention on, grows. This is certainly true when it comes to our sexuality.
Just think about where most teens have their attention. The majority of advertising and media aimed at this age is designed to keep sex top of their mind. Is it any wonder that parents want to lock up their daughters?
What you focus on grows. When sexual interest begins to wane—for whatever reason—we tend to zero in on what is missing. It comes out in simple statements like, “Remember when we could make love all night long?” or “How come you don’t touch me the way you used to?” The questions may reveal the reality but they emphasize what’s missing and what’s no longer in focus.
Little issues have a subtle way of drawing your attention and growing so they become the issue of the day. Unless it’s addressed early, small problems grow, and the larger the problem, the more difficult it becomes to address the solution.
In spite of all sexual messages sent to us daily, we are still reluctant to talk sex in a meaningful, deeper way. Talking sex is more than talking about what turns you on (or what turns you off). That’s just the mechanics of sex. More importantly is talking about the emotions that are tied into sexuality.
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3 0 D a y s t o a S e x i e r Y o u !
Thought for Today
Lasting change comes from making small changes daily. Start today and make a conscious decision to become aware of your sexual feelings. As you begin to rediscover these feelings and let them come into your conscious mind, you’ll be surprised at the feelings you have hidden away. Sexual cues are all around us in pictures, music, foods, touches and smells. By taking a moment to enjoy them as they pass through, you’ll be encouraging their presence in your life.
Try this Today
Take charge of your passion. Many women are content to allow their partners to control the sexual activities. A mutually satisfying relationship requires that you take charge of expressing your wants and needs as much as he does. By initiating the action you’re building your confidence and expressing your desire. It doesn’t have to be the ‘full monty’… just make sure you’re the one who’s in charge.
Seduce him from time to time—I’m pretty sure he won’t mind.
Oh, and one last thing... Remember to sniff your patch today!
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Day 8
Start Loving Your Body
How do you feel about your body? Are you overweight? Do you have stretch marks? Are your breasts feeling the scourge of time? Have you noticed that the smooth skin of years ago is giving way—
or already has—to the ‘leopard look’?
Are you going to address your body image and either take steps to change it in a way that you can accept, or will you gracefully accept it as it is, warts and all? This is a big issue with most women (and incidentally, men are not immune to the same concerns about their self image.
Women just tend to put more of their focus on it.).
The image we have of ourselves is the main player in our sexual function. When you feel uncomfortable in your own skin, whoever you’re with will have to deal with your lack of personal appreciation of your body. Just ask yourself the question “If I don’t love my body, how can I expect my partner to love it?”
If the lights have to be off before you can get in the mood, then you have some baggage that needs to be brought ‘into the light’. All the attention we give to our flaws, either expressed or kept inside, impact your willingness to let your body do the talking.
Unfortunately, many women are very vocal about what they deem is wrong with their bodies and bring their attention—and their partners—
to all those apparent flaws. Quite often our partners see us in a different way and they are not fussing with the flaws we see. A lack of a healthy attitude toward the body that you have—not the one you wish for— is a real barrier to enjoying sex.
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3 0 D a y s t o a S e x i e r Y o u !
Thought for Today
Remember what we discussed yesterday… What you focus on grows? Think about that in context of how you see yourself. If you keep zeroing in on all your flaws, it will be your flaws that show up when it’s time to get naked and put your flesh into his hands. So flip your thinking and start paying attention to those parts of your body that you love and let that be a starting point for loving yourself —
flaws and all.
Try this Today
Know your hot buttons - Instead of focusing on how your partner can pleasure you, make sure you know the hot buttons that make you moan. Masturbation is a great way to boost your sexual confidence while giving you pleasure. If you know what turns you on, he’ll clue in fast and your sexual pleasure will intensify. (And if he does need direction, you can gently nudge his hand or mouth exactly where you want it to go.)
Oh, and one last thing... Remember to sniff your patch today!
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Day 9
I Look Great (Don’t I?)
We all know that men and women are different! But the difference doesn’t have to be a competition about who is better, it a matter of enjoying and complementing the hard-wired natures of the two sexes. (I know, it’s not always easy!) Most men will take a quick shower, shave and slap on some cologne and be ready to tackle the day. For women, bathing, dressing and makeup is a ritual that anchors us to our sense of who we are and how we want to express ourselves. Men may fuss over our fussing, but it’s our fussing that expresses our feelings.
Feeling sexy is an expression of how we feel about ourselves. We could slide into a Ralph Lauren designer dress and dab on some Chanel #5, but if we feel insecure, unsettled or lack self respect, then the clothes—in spite of the labels—are a veil over our inner feelings.
My partner will often say, “You look great!” but if I don’t feel that special feeling, his words will do little to change my disposition. I don’t want to be convinced I look great. I want to feel it. (And when I feel it, I want him tell me he feels it too!)
Advertising tries to convince us that it’s all about ‘the look’. But we’ve all felt deceived when that new dress didn’t deliver the feelings it advertised. Feeling sexy always starts as a fe