Chapter 5 Funny Thing about Relationships
Relationships are funny. Like, weird funny. There is bigger, unexplored, underlying theme to the fact Dorothy met people in Oz that reminded her of folks back home. This is not magic. This is not accident. It will feel like magic. It will like magic because most of our lives are lived unconsciously. Think about this. You know how to tie your shoe. You don’t think about it. You just do it. Kid asks you to teach them. Most people have to turn the kid about and position them and do it once fast, then again slow, and then again to start demonstrating. You drive on automatic. You didn’t learn to drive on automatic. It took a great deal of energy, maybe anxiety, to learn to pilot a car, but at some point you were driving and switching stations and talking on the phone and you navigated from point A to point B, arriving safely only to suddenly realize you don’t remember the journey. This is how we live our lives.
This is how we pick our relationships. This is why so many people refer to meeting the ideal partner as magic.
‘No way!’ You say. Really, are you already arguing with me? (Good for you. Hold your perspective. Refine your argument.) If you tell me it was ‘love at first sight,’ I will argue you just validated my point. The people we are initially attracted to at an intuitive level are people that subconsciously remind us of someone from our past. More precisely, we tend to marry the person from our past who we had the most difficulty with. In my case, I married my grandmother. Twice. The first one was the co-dependent aspect. The second one was the not pleasant aspect. It is really difficult discussing them without it sounding like I am disparaging them, which is not what I am about. So, if I were to focus on just me- my part in this was I chose to have relationships with people I had difficulty in the past in order to resolve those conflicts vicariously through other.
No way, you say. Let me illustrate with an extreme. You have probably heard the fact that there are people who were abused by a partner. They get out of that relationship only to find the next relationships is also abusive. And the next one. They may actually lament, “What’s wrong with me? Why do I keep finding abusive people?” Men also end up with abusive partners, so I am generalizing to some degree. The pattern is the same. In this instance, there was likely an initial abuser. It doesn’t have be the opposite sex; as I mentioned, I married my grandmother, but I could have very well married a female that had attributes that reminded me of my dad. In general, this is not necessary a bad thing that we do, except when it’s abusive, as it is in this scenario.
It feels like magic. I can take this abused person to a bar. I can have them pick out all the people they instantly like, and send the rest packing. When asked about the people they didn’t pick, they will have sorts of rationale, like too nice, too boring, not attractive. They could all be reasonably attractive people, and still be on the road. To a one, the people that were picked- they are highly likely to be abusers- in context to the person who chose. I am being deliberate when I say that. There are people who are abusive no matter who they are with- but if they hook up with someone who won’t tolerate that bullshit and shut it down fast, those relationships end abruptly. Relationships with abusers that last longer than they should is likely because the person who tends to be a victim of abuse has an extremely high tolerance for bullshit. Some people need a certain a drama just to feel validated as a person. There are some people so accustomed to pain, normal shit doesn’t register, and so they turn to cutting just to feel something.
I submit to you very few things you have done in your life were deliberate, and well informed. Much of it was instinctual, or intuitively engaged. Even picking your partner. And the level of complication doesn’t stop there. People tend to love others the way they most want to be loved. What does that mean? You will mostly treat partners with gestures that you would like to have given to you. When you chose a partner unconsciously, you will do things for them- nice things, and they like it and they stay, but at some point, because they aren’t doing this back, you get annoyed- maybe you even cut them off. “You never do anything for me.” That vague, but it is a common argument- elevating it to an extreme. Even I show you how I did one thing, one thing plus a negative infinity is still negative infinity. If you assume people will give you what you give, then you’re mistaken. Also, you’re not giving to them what the relationship needs, but what you wanted to get from that parent that failed to nurture you in the way you most needed to become a complete adults. Most adults are not complete adults. All the studies show this- kids raised in single parent homes do less well in every arena and domain compared to kids that have two parent homes. That doesn’t mean people should stay in abusive relationships- that’s a caveat, kids who are watching domestic violence or experiencing domestic violence would fare better without that shit, and if one parent goes away provides clarity, health ensues. Unfortunately, if the parent you get stuck with has the unfortunate disposition to be a magnet for bullshit, the child ends up with a parade of bullshit.
People don’t just accidentally gravitate into bad situations. They actively move into it. Rape victims have been known to put themselves into situations that have high risk of resulting in another rape. The consecutive rapes usually don’t get reported, because even the victims has a marginal understanding that they put themselves risk and get what they deserve. Their family, their friends, and society echo that sentiment. IT IS NOT TRUE. No one deserves that shit. And yes, it is shit. Don’t sugar coat this! Dead Puppies suck. Babies with cancer suck. Being raped sucks, even if it looks like a person behavior is explicit in the situation that resulted in the thing. This thing is so common, there is a term for it. It’s called Reenactment. People know that many people aren’t abused or raped, this isn’t the norm- and it’s not the norm, which should automatically cause you to wonder- why do some people seem to get more than their share of abuse. Some of that is a higher tolerance to bullshit. Some of that is due to poor boundaries. And some of it is due to Reenactment, a subconscious drive to vicariously engage other hoping to improve relationship outcomes.
People marry their spouses to vicariously work out unresolved issues with past, problematic or failed relationships. If problematic parent had a drug or alcohol issue, person magically discovered their spouse has an addiction. It’s not magic. It feels like magic. We can’t touch unconscious mind without being freaked out. Don’t believe me? Pull out a Ouija Board at your next gathering and see how many people freak out.
In addition to the unconscious influencers, we also have scripts. We have the scripts that family of origin gave us. Half the time we don’t even realize we’re acting scripts. Did you know the word personality comes from the Greek word Persona, meaning mask? Are you the mask, or are the person wearing the mask? You know why it’s a good recommendation to date someone a year before marriage? Most people wear a public mask. It takes about a year before people relax enough to reveal their true character. And abusers are slick. They can wear their public masks longer than most, they trick you into giving up freedoms in measures, and before you know it you’re isolated from family and friends and inside a nightmare.
But again, most people aren’t being abused. There is abuse. Some of it horrific. Some people die due to abuse. But there are also scripts, patterns that by nature lead to unstable relationships. Two of those types of relationships are ‘master-student,’ and ‘healer-wounded.’ No trick here, these relationship patterns are exactly what they seem. Some people are attracted to the teacher. They engage the relationship, happy and devoted- but at some point the master teaches student all they know, and the relationship ends by default. Student must go the next teacher, and the master needs a new student. It can be a race to see who steps out first. Sometimes the master knows the student is soon to graduate, and so they’re looking for the next student so there is no lull during transition. Sometimes the student finds another master more interesting, and begins cultivating the new master even as they’re finishing their studies with the first.
Healer-wounded tends to be nurse-patient, but is such a powerful nurturing theme you’re more likely to find some evidence for this any relationship- even gay relationships. There will always be someone who is just naturally more nurturing and giving. And again, that is usually because the person who is naturally more giving is loving you the way they want to be loved. The problem with healers is their relationships are predicated on having a wounded person to fix. Again, this doesn’t have to be female-nurse. Men do this, too. Men tend do it very extreme, unhealthy ways. Both men and women tend to want their subjects to get better. The thing is, once baby bird learns to fly- the wing is healed- they tend to fly away.
Some people realize this. They sabotage it. Abusive relationships are predicated on keeping a person unhealthy, unstable, and dependent- because a healthy person would blow it up. One of the unhealthy ways that this expresses itself in men is in the rescuing aspect of it. I think men are more insecure in many ways than women. Their need to be needed is so great that if they see a homeless woman, they get aroused. There is underlying expectation that if they rescue woman, they get laid. I would be surprised if you’re surprised by that statement. Consider every hero in any movie. How many times was heroic act rewards with sex, or the promise of sex? People completely underestimate how insidious the libido can be in humans. Not just men. There is a sexual quality to female-nurturer. If she is particularly good at nurturing, that’s the person you want to have children with. Most people don’t choose the mean old cat lady for breeding humans. Sure, if you need a cat, she is the one to go to, but you might expect her house the typical hoarder, and you wouldn’t even let her baby sit human.
We don’t talk enough about sex. Sex is a great influencer. It influences some people more directly than others. Some people come at it vicariously. Some people sublimate well. No one sublimates well enough that it shouldn’t be considered as a motivator, and incorporated into a greater conversation between people wanting to be coupled and maybe just in general. We have expectations about sex. We have assumptions. We have wants. We have needs. If a person is high in the freak category, and they don’t get to express it with partner or feel ashamed, they will get that need met somewhere. That which is avoided gets amplified- anxiety or sex.
If nothing else, consider this about sex. Almost every couple tends to reports these things. One partner tends to want sex more than the partner. I think the statistic is like typically 70 percent of men want more sex in the relationships. In about 30 percent of the relationships, that is flipped where the women want more. With few exceptions, most couples report a decline in frequency of sex over time. This is not just due to age. Barring medical problems that disrupt libido or function, people tend to maintain their libido set point until they die. People in nursing homes are still having sex and or wanting sex. You will get there, too. Unless you don’t, in which case, you’re probably dead and missing out on some great aged sex.
This is important in this conversation- as sex declines, the complaint from men go up that they want more, while the women show increasing disinterest in sex. It complex, and it’s social, and too many people in mental health and pharmaceutical are chasing a pharmaceutical remedy- the female Viagra. This is not a medical issue. I can prove it. Every single couple that are fighting about sex in couples counseling that eventually get divorced discover this truth- the female arrives at the next relationship with a complete recovery in libido- at previous set point, if not higher.
What is needed here is improved abilities to negotiate and worked together, as opposed to treating our partners in relationships as the enemy. Our public discourse affects are narratives at the couple and individual levels. There is absolutely enough wrong in the world we can go to war over just about everything. America has been the war country. We go to war on everything. War on drugs. War on poverty. War on crime. Need to boost the economy, declare war and send drones. Most people are not warlords, but when the only language we have available is us versus them- well, point to any of those wars above? Have any of those wars resolved the problems they set out to face? How much collateral damage has resulted from this unending serious and overlapping wars?
How about collateral damage in relationships. Children are always the collateral damage in a failed relationship. Parents are super quick to discuss their rights, but very few own their responsibilities. Even our family and friends quickly point out, ‘why are you letting him/her treat you that way. You have rights, too.”
Can you imagine a perfectly agreeable divorce? Ever met anyone who has a super pleasant experience? Or are the things you hear all about fights who got the better of others. Hell, just look at the click bait ads for videos and news articles- so and so destroyed him! We’re in the middle of a war. If anyone steps out of line in a relationship, big thing, small thing- your family and friends are quick to point out, “Leave them. You can do better.” You’re only swipe away from finding better. And they’re right. You can find better. Statistically, there is always a better option. Unfortunately, this situation as it is means that in order to leave a partner, you have to vilify them. In fact, the social discourse presently is so extreme, they can’t just be your average villains- they have to be fucking monsters in order to reach threshold to gain sympathy. “So, your husband did the dishes, but he didn’t stack the dish washer efficiently? I can’t even get my husband to carry his plate to the sink!” What we ignore get amplified. Though we should not tolerate bullshit, we do need to be able to tolerate some general discomfort. We are quick to ask for our quirks to be accepted, but less likely to accommodate the quirks of others. A mental health translation is that people tend to make this erroneous assumption: their own troubles are situational, externally driven, where as anyone else having a malfunction should be more disciplined and thoughtful in their response.
In my navigating memes, I came across a picture of Dorothy admiring her red slippers. The caption on the meme, intending to be funny, read: “Like Dorothy, I attract men who are brainless, heartless, or cowards.” I was initially offended. It’s okay to be offended. After a moment, I could see how someone could have arrived at that sentiment. I still had a response: “I am probably over thinking this: female lamenting she can’t find any good guy seeks to reduce pain through humor, but if you really watched ‘the Wizard of Oz,’ the truth is Dorothy inspired wisdom, love and courage. The whole point is, until you embrace where you are and who you’re with, you will never find your way home.”
The interesting thing about the wisest man, the Scarecrow, was that he was bit unsteady on his feet, and frequently seemed the fool. Interestingly, the wisest man in the kingdom was the fool, and the only one who was allowed to speak his mind in front of the royalty. I think it’s in our foolishness that we find our wisdom, but we’re not even allowed our foolishness anymore. I am a better man because of my failures- and fortunately I grew up in time where it wasn’t all caught on camera or was digitized. How many of us are being rejected from employment because we said something stupid in social media? How many of us getting fired. How many of us act the fools- and are vilified in public, fired- and no recourse for improvement. How does a person recover from that, right or wrong? How does a person in any relationship recover when the penalty is so far reaching?
I am flibbertigibbet. If you allow me, I will eventually ramble myself into clarity. Discourse that has kind and intellectual reciprocity is a faster way to clarity.