2. Quit Making Dumb Decisions
If foundation #2 was the most important part of the book, this is the second most important. When I teach this to my clients, I tell them that they need to take the following sentence and write it down everywhere as a reminder. I even jokingly tell them that they should get it tattooed on themselves for at least a few months until it sinks in. (Don't do that though...unless you really want to I guess. You're an adult. Do you.)
"We make decisions based on self which later place us in a position to be hurt."
What the hell does that mean?! I didn't know either. But when I was at the height of my anger issues, the man who was helping me stay sober and improve my mental health said this to me ALL.THE.TIME. Let me give you a few examples:
The Problem: I'd call him up yelling and screaming about the roommates in my sober living home (it was 18 recovering alcoholics and addicts, so just imagine that for a second). I'd call him to yell about how my roommate smelled funny, people took too long in the bathroom, someone was stealing my food from the fridge, one guy was caught smoking meth in the garage and worst of all, there was one TV in the place, and these fools would watch Pawn Stars all day long.
He'd ask, "Did you make any decisions in the past that put you in the position that you're currently in?"
I'd think, "Are you kidding me?! These people are nuts and rude and inconsiderate! Agree with me!!!"
But he was right...
My Part: I'd have to ask myself why I was in a sober living in the first place. It was because of the choices I made with substances. It was because of the fact that I burned every bridge with friends and family so I didn't have anywhere else to go.
The Solution: Quit doing drugs and alcohol, and I never had to worry about living in a sober living again.
The Problem: I calmed down a bit in that sober living home realizing it was my fault that I was in there in the first place. After a few months, my mom trusted me enough to move into her house. If you were paying attention in the beginning, you'd know that it took me a long time to get along with my mom. So, I'd call him up yelling and screaming. I'd call to complain about how after 20 years of being a drunk, now this woman wants to be my mom. I'd complain about how she didn't treat me like an adult and bossed me around.
He'd ask, "Did you make any decisions in the past that put you in the position that you're currently in?"
I'd think, "This son of a bitch..."
But he was right again.
My Part: When I asked myself why I was living with my mom, the answer was simple. It was because of all the decisions I made with my substance abuse. I couldn't afford my own place because I spent all my money on alcohol, drugs and gambling. I couldn't live with a friend because they all still hated me. My decisions were the reason I lived with my mom.
The Solution: I make better decisions today. Aside from living sober, I work had to make my own money so I never have to live with my mom again (and when I say that, I mean under those conditions. If she gets old or hurt or something crazy, she can live with me.)
The reason it was so important that this guy beat that sentence into my head was because it was like learning from touching a hot stove. If you keep touching that hot stove, you eventually learn to keep your hand off the stove because it's going to burn you. I started adapting this to every situation in my life. Whenever I was angry, I'd ask myself, "Did I do anything to put me in the position I'm currently in?" Here are some examples that you may be able to relate to:
The Problem: I was unemployed and couldn't get a job because everyone wanted a degree. This angered me because I'm more than capable even though I didn't have a college degree.
My Part: I made the decision to drop out of college for no other reason than I felt like making money instead of furthering my education.
The Solution: Go back to school and get my degree or find jobs that don't require a degree.
The Problem: Every woman I dated destroyed me mentally. They were verbally and emotionally abusive, and some were even physically abusive. Some broke my things. One of them sent an email to my boss pretending to be me in an effort to get me fired. Another one trashed my car after we got in an argument.
My Part: I love dating crazy women. I was always looking for a feisty woman that was a little broken. I had the opportunity to date many women who had their stuff together mentally, but that was "boring" to me, and I just wasn't attracted to them.
The Solution: It became very clear that I needed a new type of woman that I would date (surprise surprise, the old problems went away).
The Problem: My lovely non-crazy girlfriend and I just got an apartment. Because of an old power bill that I neglected to pay, they wanted an extra $1,000 for our deposit. This made me so angry because it was a $120 bill from 2012.
My Part:I DIDN'T PAY MY FREAKIN' POWER BILL
The Solution: Act like a damn adult and pay my bills.
Again, this is about empowering you as much as possible. Shit is going to happen that is 100% out of your control, but if you can start recognizing how many of your own problems are based on your decisions like I did, you'll begin to see that you don't have nearly as many problems.
