However there are also the mother daughter relationships that I have seen in my oldest sister,
as well as Mrs Smith, who try and live their life through their daughters, especially when they
reach the age from which they were abused. Instead of parenting their daughters, they
befriend them as if they were adolescent themselves. To the mother, it’s like getting back the
part of the life that they lost. For the daughter, it is confusing since there mentor is acting
irresponsibly. The mother won’t enforce boundaries, even though boundaries are something
every child needs, she can’t because she is breaking them herself. It is only the mother who
wins in these relationships. Although it fun for the daughter when she is thirteen, it becomes a
nightmare when it is still occurring at seventeen.
These mothers are sexual abuse victims who are unknowingly training their daughters to
become victims themselves.
The sad part is that each child learns more from what they see rather than what their told, and
if their environment is full of abuse, they’ll copy it. Each gender is a role model for their
same gender children and when their role model is the abuser, the child has no option but to
learn the same abusive trait. However there is hope. Although the dilemma begins when the
person is a child, eventually they become an adult and leave the family home. It is then that a
choice has to be made whether that child uses the abusive skill past down to them or change
to fit into the outside world. As adults we all have a choice.
When Mrs Smith gave her thirteen year-old daughter a mobile phone to take to school, which
is also against her schools policy. The two of them would message each other every day, but
one day the young girl sends a message that two girls wanted to beat her up. The mother
rushes to the school demanding to see the headmaster in an attempt to protect her child. The
head master wanted to know how she knew what going on during class hours, and
consequently gets her daughter in trouble for sending messages during class time. The girls
were not ready to beat her up, they just looked at her the wrong way.
What should have happened was that the mother should have taught her daughter how to
resolve conflict. The daughter is a confident young girl who can deal with issues if she wants
to. The advice should have gone something like; if you think you have upset someone, go
and ask them what you have done wrong. If they say ‘nothing’, then explain why you think
their mad at you. If they still aren’t mad at you then say ‘ok’ and walk away. If they tell you
why, then respectfully apologise and say you didn’t know. Give people the benefit of the
doubt before you run for help.
Children need to be taught how to resolve conflict. Fighting their battles for them only
satisfies the parent, while destroying the child’s self-confidence and creates more victims
along the way. This type of parent reaffirms their control over the child while usually leaving
the child in a worse predicament at school, mainly due to the dilemma that the parent left
behind. Imagine having a class mates bully of a mother come to school because you looked at
her daughter the wrong way? The daughter would become the laughing stock of the school,
behind her back, of course.
When I married a second time my mother-in-law was abusive to her daughter. With my
egotistical attitude, I believed I could save her from her mother’s control. Boy was I wrong.
Even after we married, my wife still tried to appease her mother. Although her mother
approved of me at the beginning, when I would not let her control me, we clashed. My wife
was so used to the manipulation from her mother that she didn’t cope with us making
decisions together, without including her mother. I didn’t cope, amongst other things, with
my mother-in-law deciding how we should decorate our family home. In the end it was her
mother who got her daughter to leave me, since I would not comply with my wife’s family
dysfunction. I had spent years overcoming my own family’s dysfunction; I wasn’t about to
step into another one.
Even though my wife was thirty, she did everything within her power to try and please her
mother. My now x-wife had spent all her life trying to get her mother’s affection and
approval. It was something she needed, yet her mother seemed incapable of giving it. And
yes, the mother was sexually abused as a child. The worst part is that I have seen the same
mother-daughter relationship in too many women that I have met, and it saddens me when I
see Mrs Smith’s oldest daughter overcompensating to try and receive approval from her
yelling mother.
I’m also glad to say that most mother-daughter relationships that I have seen are healthier
than these few.
~ 10 ~
Mother, son relationships.
One of the most popular dysfunctions is caused by both passive males as well as abusive
males, and that is when the dysfunctional mother replaces her husband with the first born son.
I’m not talking about sexually because women’s needs are different and I’m not talking about
the oldest child, just the oldest boy. Most women need a man to share the responsibility of
parenting. I have found that all women are capable, if not better at making decisions;
however, they desire confirmation and acceptance regarding finalising important decisions.
Most women rightfully want someone else to share the responsibility. However, some women
become emotionally starved in this area because their husband don’t communicate very well,
or don’t communicate at all. The consequence is that these women pour out their needs upon
the next available male, their son, even though it can cause emotional baggage for the boy.
Some boys grow up resenting their mother, as well as women who share their feelings, but
they are only a minority.
Most women enjoy participating in the decision making process of the family unit, but for
some reason, many men don’t. Consequently when the father leaves the decisions up to his
wife, it creates a vacuum in her life. It is the husband’s role in a marriage to participate in
decision making and ultimately, take responsibility for the outcome, however it is not
something that men are taught. When we are forced to do it, we usually do it well. But then
again when husband’s neglect their parenting role, the wives turn to their oldest son to fill the
void, however, we are still talking about children, not adult males.
My friend’s nine-year-old boy has been drafted into this role, and he is quite willing to take
on the position of decision maker for his mother. Even though he is the youngest, he has
learnt that this new role gives him acceptance by his mother, and power to manipulate his
three older sisters for his own selfish gain. With such power he is flourishing in the role of his
mother’s co-authority. This dysfunctional role will teach him to lie to authority and
manipulate anyone who has an advantage over him. He is a typical boy who has
dysfunctional parents, just as my parents were.
My mother, as well as my father’s mother, are women who have used their oldest son to fulfil
their emotional needs by having a male take responsibility for them. In the eyes of their
mother, however, these boys can do no wrong; after all, they are trying to be helpful where
the mother has a need.
My father and my oldest brother are no different from my friend’s nine-year-old boy.
However, it was fifty years ago for my oldest brother.
Seventy-five years ago my father’s father was away a lot with the army. I never knew him at
all to know what kind of person he was, but I do know he was irresponsible and that my
father’s mother was complacent and a submissive woman. Looking back now she seemed to
me as if she was always scared, always keeping a chair between her and her guests. But that
is the explanation from a small boy, I don’t remember much more than that about her.
However, my brother I do know well. My father was also away with the army a lot, but when
he was home he avoided the family politics by frequently visiting the pub at night. My
mother is a subservient Melancholy who needed someone else to take responsibility for her.
These boys are generations apart, yet I have noticed many similarities with their behaviour.
From an early age my oldest brother learnt to tell my mother what she wanted to hear and he
learnt that she would accept it, just as my friend’s nine-year-old boy has done. My brother
learnt that no matter whether it was true or not, any answer was acceptable as long as she
didn’t have to take responsibility for it.
When I spoke to my mother at a Christmas party some fifteen years ago, I mentioned how all
us five boys broke into a service station thirty years before. I was seven at the time. My
mother never knew of the event, and as I was telling the story, my brother chastised me for
telling her. I laughed it off and said, “What is she going to do, punish us?”
Looking back now, I can see that my brother’s motivation was to keep the negative truth
from my mother to protect her from feeling guilty. Since my mother is over emotional, my
brother has spent all his life trying to protect our mother from any bad emotions. He is still
doing it today, well into his sixties.
My father was also a first born son and I can see the similarities between my brother’s
behaviour towards our mother, and my father’s behaviour towards his mother. My father
never neglected to visit his mother every Sunday morning as long as he was not on duty with
the army. That was the caring part, but the scary part was when they made decisions on their
mother’s behalf.
When I approached my mother about my brother being a child molester, she was shocked to
the point of disbelief. It was not conceivable for her to comprehend him doing such a thing
and consequently put it out of her mind.
I did not have a lot of contact with my brother, especially after I refused to be his alibi while
he was having an affair. Because I didn’t keep in touch, I never knew the lies he told our
mother to cover up the awful truth that had occurred throughout the family. When I would
discuss any topic with my mother, my brother had already misled her, so I was being branded
a liar. My mother and my brother had been working together to run the family for more than
half a century, of course she was going to believe him. I soon discovered that a healthy
relationship with my mother was impossible, because I always contradicted my brother’s
deception. It was my brother who educated me that he lies to my mother, as he puts it, to
protect her.
Therefore, to be a part of my family, I have to comply with my brother’s deception and
pretend that nothing bad is happening to anyone. My oldest brother is not alone in this. The
‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy is ripe throughout my family although it is only there to hide the
cover-up and deception.
I am as old as Mrs Smith’s father, and although I try, she refuses to listen to any advice. Both
myself and her father predict that her son will end up in jail if he doesn’t learn to adhere to
authority. At present, the nine year old boy is manipulative and dictates to the mother. The
boy’s father is in a predicament where he is only allowed to punish the children on her say-
so. Other than that he avoids the family politics.
Will my friend’s nine-year-old boy turn out like my older brother or worse still like my
father? It is most likely. His mother already believes almost everything he says, but when he
is caught out lying, he is not punished for it. This only encourages him to come up with better
lies. He has changed the house rule because, as he says, they are unfair. Since he is the
youngest, it was in his best interest for him to go to bed first. The younger a child, the more
sleep they need, that’s a medical fact. However, when he constantly complained that the
others were staying up longer than him, the consequence was that the mother sent all the kids
to bed at the same time to shut him up. Hence, the power struggle. The older girls were being
punished because of an irresponsible mother who was led by an infant boy. The girls began to
resent him in a big way, causing even more conflict. Plus if he refuses to clean his room,
there is no consequence except for being branded as lazy; a label, like most men, he is happy
to live with, plus the mother just paid one of the girls to do it for him.
At nine, he is already disrespectful towards women, especially since he can manipulate his
mother, as well as his sisters. Thus the girls feel powerless in their family environment, which
means, I am sad to say, makes them already abuse victims, but worse still, they are vulnerable
and susceptible to sexual-abuse.
Having the child feel powerless is important to a predator so that even if the child wants to,
they can’t say no. Powerlessness is sown into the child from a very early age, which is why
they don’t believe they have a choice to change it. The feeling of not having an opinion,
misunderstood boundaries and not having their privacy respected often leaves a child
believing that they do not have the right to choose, thus, reaffirming their powerless to inflict
change. So when sexual abuse happens, even though it is neither invited nor wanted, the child
does not believe they have the power to stop it or challenge it.
I fear my friend’s children will turn out to be victims of sexual abuse, or as the statistics say,
one of the three. I’m hoping that any influence that I have had over the years may lure them
in a more healthy direction. It’s not likely, but I can only hope.
No child will accept abuse without complaining, until it has occurred so often and without
their complaints being dealt with, that they believe it is pointless to complain. Some
complaints fall on deaf ears, while other are belittled or justified. With some complaints,
actions are replaced with poor excuses, such as ‘you don’t feel that way’, or ‘it’s only me,
I’ve seen your body before’. Children who are often being told their feelings are wrong
eventually accept abuse as normal behaviour.
However, every child will try and implement change by complaining. If they are unsuccessful
to change their abusers, it only confirms their lack of power to entice change. When they
become adults, these children apply this powerlessness to their own lives, even without their
abuser controlling them.
Trust and respects are the basis for all human relationships, but what is a child to think and
learn when it is being betrayed by someone whom they are still forced to respect.
When they reach adulthood, many trust issues appear in their relationships, especially in
close relationships.
One of two things can result from child abuse, and the first is to kill any desire for intimacy.
The second is to assume that abuse is the equivalent of intimacy. Both of these wrong
conclusions cause conflict in relationship and since the victim is confused about their
emotions, quite often cause depression.
The problem with family abuse is that even in this day and age, verbal abuse is not illegal,
however it is immoral. The difference between abuse and discipline is that you should never
discipline out of anger. Only discipline to correct the child. This country, along with many
others has stepped up its laws in an attempt to reduce crime and increase revenue, but due to
the moral decline in government, the laws are still not there to prevent child abuse, however,
I really don’t think they can. It is up to us to make ourselves and our spouses accountable.
I remember when I was married to my second wife, her auntie complained to us about her
husband. She was concerned because their only daughter, a thirteen-year-old, began sleeping
in their bed. What began with a horrible stormy night turned into a regular event! The mother
also complained how her daughter said that she could feel her father’s penis when she sat on
his lap. The reason she complained to us was because her husband had already rejected her
concerns and didn’t see that there was a problem. I think secretly he was enjoying the
intimacy. There had not been any sexual intercourse between the father and child, but
according to the mother, it was inevitable if something didn’t change. The biggest problem
was that the child was not accustomed to intimacy at home. She had grown up neglected of
her basic emotional needs. Now that she was developing, she had discovered a way of getting
attention from her father. Albeit, the wrong kind of attention.
I lost contact with the family shortly after, due to my wife and I separating, so I don’t know
the outcome of this dilemma, but it wasn’t looking good at the time. My point is this: The
intimacy game became fun for her, because as an infant she was neglected.
What scared her mother was that it seemed that the daughter was instigating her father’s
sexual advances. It wasn’t just the husband crossing the boundaries; the daughter was
prompting her father’s reaction. But I can guarantee that if he took it further, she would not
have been so willing to participate and would receive a lot more than she bargained for or
wanted. The young girl had no real understanding of her own sexual desires; she was still
developing, growing and changing, while her father’s sexual desires had been fully
developed. To her it was a game that got her attention; it would be about another three or
more year before she understood what her own body was doing.
Grown men need to learn that young girls are venerable. It is this kind of ignorance that
makes it easy for predators. The only hope a girl has, is for her guardians to watch out for her
well-being, and that’s not going to happen in an abusive family.
The role of parenting has been degrading for more than a thousand years since it refers to sex
as a taboo subject, and society today has also done its part to destroy how families ignore the
topic. Many parents don’t believe they have a role in helping their children select a lifetime
partner, but then these same parents also wonder why the divorce rate is so high.
With the introduction of casual sex, many ill-informed adolescents believe that sex,
specifically intercourse, is a game to play as long as you’re wearing a condom. The truth is, it
is a game full of broken hearts and bitterness. Nothing good comes from a promiscuous life
style. Sex was designed to complete two people who are in love. It was also designed to join
these two people spiritually. That is why it is so hard to break up with someone after you
have slept with them. What most people don’t realise is that marriage is not a piece of paper.
The ceremony is a man’s commitment to provide romance for his wife. Marriage, whether
you like it or not, occurs when two people join spiritually through intercourse. The evidence
is found in two ways. Firstly, even the law know that you can tear up a marriage certificate if
the marriage is not consummated. They call this legal term an annulment. Secondly, as I said
before, try walking away after having intercourse and sense a piece of your soul being ripped
out from within of your very being.
This is also why adultery is considered the most single worst act of betrayal. One partner
does not have the right to allow another person’s spirit to meld within their relationship
without their partners consent. This is also why the innocent partner can detect that
something is different with their cheating partner.
In other words, there is more to sexual relationships that just a feel good experience. Sex is
life changing and that is why it is imperative to keep it healthy.
~ 11 ~
Children’s needs.
Many children build a bond with the adults in their life, which, by the way, is normal
behaviour. It is when that bond is mistaken for attraction.
An adult who has had an unhealthy childhood hasn’t learnt that parents and children can hug
and play without it having sexual connotations. When a child play-fights with their dad or
hugs him or mum, the child does not observe sexual feelings. They are too young to have
sexual senses, however they do feel intimacy, a bond, and a connection. They feel joy,
laughter, fun and affection, but above all they feel acceptance. As for the parents it is their job
to nurture the child and physical contact and intimacy is part of that nurturing.
Intimacy is not just a hand shake; intimacy is a hug, or a kiss, its being allowed to step into
another person’s personal space. It’s watching a movie together so that you have something
in common; it’s talking about your day so that you can connect with each other’s feelings; it’s
leaning on each other on the couch while chatting, it’s having that spiritual connection
because you are like minded. To a young child, these things are bliss, to a teenager they are
everything; but to an adult they’re like comfort food. None of these things are foreplay; none
of these things are sexual, however, they are a way of connecting and nurturing. Nurturing a
child is like fertilizer, not so much as feeding the body, but food for the soul and spirit of the
child, it is the necessary food it needs to grow into a healthy adult.
However if a child grows up without ever receiving intimacy, where they were only punished
and never hugged as a child, then as an adult, their intimacy experiences become coupled
with sexual feelings. Consequently, when they do touch or hug as an adult, the sexual feeling
are aroused no matter who it is with, male or female, adult or child. Unhealthy adults learn
that any form of intimacy has sexual feelings attached. This is also why some people accept
same sex attraction as normal sexual behaviour, when it is not. It has been derived from the
same unhealthy childhood due to a lack of intimacy growing up.
The excuse people use for same sex attraction is that they are in love with someone of the
same sex. Granted, yet if an adult is in love with a child, why then is it wrong to have sex
with a child if you can get the child to consent? Simply because sex does not automatically
cultivate from a loving relationship. It is not wrong for a man to love another man, we just
call that admiration. Sex, on the other hand, is a choice. We can still love someone without
having sex.
So to us unhealthy adults, I have this advice. Firstly it is important to bestow healthy
relationships with children and allow the children to receive nurturing as well as experience
intimacy and acceptance. However, with intimacy, do it in front of other people, especially
people who will challenge you. And that brings me to an important point, accountability. The
people around you need to know that they can challenge you, not just with children, but with
all things. That is healthy for every adult.
I have watched the news recently where an English actor in his fifties has married an eighteen
year-old boy. Because they are at an age of consent, the law is powerless to do anything.
Because it is a gay issue, the public is for democracy and equality, they claim they have the
right to choose. And granted they do. However I believe they are making uninformed
decisions according to their misguided upbringing that will affect the rest of their lives.
Because gay right are now become law, there is no longer any accountability for misled
relationships.
The word love is thrown around like it the catalyst of their relationship, yet as in most sexual
encounters, lust is the driving force for this adult, while acceptance and belonging is what
drives the pretty eighteen year-old boy. He has been taken advantage of because of his needs,
but because of his needs and his conditioning, he accepts the consequence of an immoral
lifestyle. Yet if this r