I didn’t have any idea what was happening to my sisters until they told me later in life. I have
also listened individually to all my family under different circumstances, and each story is
told to me from a different perspective, yet they all line with one other. Every testimony has
always been accompanied with emotional attachment, where it seems they are re-living the
event. In some way they do, because they have to re-visit the occasion in their mind to be
able to explain the event from their perspective. Even as adults, this is the main reason why it
is so hard for a victim to tell their story. Most other reasons are often a combination of
responses, since not only do they have to re-visit the event, they are also scared of being
prejudged before all the evidence is heard. Another reason is because people don’t understand
how to treat victims. Everyday lifestyles don’t educate us to deal with abuse victims, even if
their living under the same roof we only learn to cope with them, not understand them.
Consequently most people don’t know whether to pity them, feel empathy or compassion?
What we do know is that they now have a ‘victim’ label that makes us feel uncomfortable.
The common man does not have the knowledge to deal with a victim of crime. It’s like being
thrown into a swimming pool without being taught to swim. Consequently, because people in
general don’t want to get involved, the victim is most often labelled ‘difficult to get on with’,
or ‘high maintenance’, and avoided.
One may think that someone who is a victim would have compassion for another victim, but
in most cases that would be wrong. A victim is consumed with their own dilemma and
remains self-conscious and in a state of self-pity rather than be concerned for other people. It
is a huge struggle for a victim to consider someone else’s needs, even if that someone is their
own child.
What I have learnt about abuse victims is that their viewpoint of reality has been muddled. A
person with a victim mentality will unknowingly stand out in a crowd, just by how they
interact with other people. It is even more evident in abuse victims when they are under
pressure or stress. When I say pressure, it might arise from playing sport and the next point or
goal will determine who wins. Or a parent who stands on the sideline of their child’s sporting
ventures and yells at the umpire for not seeing the injustice, such as a foul or a miss-call that
occurred to their child. My brother is a football and soccer umpire and he regularly tells me
stories about parents such as these. But any stress may come from financial hardship or just
incorrect treatment at venues or businesses.
Let me explain it this way; there are laws that control our universe and who we are. For
example, the law of gravity says that ‘what goes up, must come down’. However, there are
exceptions to the rule. When the law of ‘thrust’ is applied to an object, as long as that thrust is
applied, that object can remain in the air and defy the law of gravity. As soon as thrust is
removed, gravity again takes over.
It is the same with people. We are generally selfish from birth, always screaming to get what
we want. Yet we can be taught to care for others and the rule of ‘treat people the way you
want to be treated’ teaches us respect for others. However, when we become a victim, the
rule of caring is no longer applied and we come crashing down and become selfish again.
I find it common in abuse victims, especially sexual abuse victims, that they make
uninformed decisions. Since they don’t ask questions because they believe they know what
other people are thinking, they make decisions quickly and prematurely.
I remember a girl who was waiting for the bus with her mother standing alongside her to see
her off.
When the bus arrived, the young girl stepped onto a bus with the intent of buying a ticket and
then waving at the window to her mother as the bus slowly drives down the road.
The story sounds sweet so far, but alas, this mother highlighted to me that she is an abuse
victim. After the young girl entered the bus, she asks the driver for a student concession,
without displaying a concession card. The response from the bus driver is a legitimate one,
and he asks, “University or high school”.
Strangely, the response came from outside of the bus and not from the student. The mother
became defensive for what seemed no apparent reason. My first thought was that this mother
has a preconceived idea that her daughter is being challenged because she does not have a
concession card. Rather than seeking more evidence, the mother, as she still stood on the side
of the road, raised her voice and claimed that, “she is a student, and I’ll vouch for her because
she is my daughter”.
The bus driver then defended himself because he felt he was being verbally attacked by the
mother and responded with the same question that he asked the girl but added that there is a
price difference depending on what type of student.
The young girl was embarrassed and could not get away from her mother quick enough
before hiding in a seat. Because the mother never apologised, as many abuse victims don’t,
the annoyed bus driver drove away shaking his head in frustration and disbelief.
Then there are times when an abuse victim will overthink, in preparation to justify their
wrong actions. Both my brothers, as well as a sister, do what I call, 'prepare to be caught'.
When I was younger, my brother and I would do some stupid things, I couldn’t even
remember what they were now, they were so insignificant. After we had done something
wrong, my brother would always conjure up a lie to tell anyone if we got caught. I do
remember that we never needed to defend ourselves, it was a pointless exercise. My sister
still does is now, and she is into her sixties. I was helping her research some information
recently and explained to her why I recorded the source I had used. When I obtained the
information I recorded where I got the information from, explaining that there were copyright
laws and I was adhering to them for her. Even though I had just explained this to her, she
comes up with a lie as well, just in case anyone was to ask where she got the information
from. I told her the story of how my brother would make up lies for us, then told her there
was no need to lie because she already had the truth. Nevertheless, she had been conditioned
to have an answer for any question that may implement her to any bad behaviour. The truth
was irrelevant, especially since she didn’t fully understand the concept of copyrights, and she
needed something that she understood and could explain. Plus she did not want to rely on
someone else’s education. Her muddled viewpoint believed she could conjure up a simpler
story to appease her inquisitors. And I use the word ' inquisitors' deliberately for any
questioning regarding her actions were like a personal attack to her, and not just someone
else’s curiosity. Hence why she, and people like her become over defensive.
I grew up with and still have a passionate disgust for being accused of something that I didn’t
do. There is a scientific term that states, 'for every action, there is an equal and opposite
reaction'. When I am accused of something I did do, such as getting mad at a work colleague,
I struggle with my authority for not taking into account the person who provoked me, since I
do not intentionally want to create trouble. I therefore consider myself the innocent party and
place the blame for my response on both the person who provoked me as well as the person
reprimanding me for not searching for the cause. I have that victim mentality that my abuser,
who in this case is my provoking work colleague, will get away Scott-free, while I get into
trouble for my responding to their abuse.
The truth is that I responded incorrectly but I don’t want to take responsibility for it unless
my abuser does too. Consequently I realised my responsibility and went and apologised to
my work colleague for my confrontation towards him, but not without telling him why. In
this case, he apologised as well and everyone was happy. Sometimes we just have to be the
first to admit our faults. But even if the other person doesn’t, we become the better person,
and are free within our soul. Freedom does not come unless we first take the steps towards it.
There are always acceptations to the rule, but most abuse victims are more concerned with
correcting other people’s actions rather than their own. Consequently, they will try and
control others when it is unnecessary. They do not trust, and feel they know what other
people are thinking. Plus they are in the habit of doing the exact same thing that they have
told you not to do, as my mother used to say, “Do as I say, not as I do”.
But worse still is that word 'justify'. Abuse victims are good at justifying their own actions. It
is the opposite of taking one’s own responsibility. The word ‘justifying’ is the catalyst that
changes everything about what we believe to be true. To justify a lie or justifying wrong
actions are the enemy to every healthy relationship. It is the truth that sets us free and the
acknowledgement of our own actions.
If you challenge an abuse victim, they believe they have a right to redirect the blame. After
all, they are a victim of not only someone else disobeying the rules, but that person also got
away with it. So their next step is to tell you why they can do something wrong and you
can’t. They have an answer for everything; they can justify their wrongdoing as quickly as
you can say your name. And if you are to highlight their wrongdoing, then you become the
bully in their eyes. Their ability to blame is due to their pride. They either believe they are
better than other people or their actions are not as bad as what others have done.
They are not unlike the Choleric who are experts at blaming, but believe they are always
right.
I have learnt that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. What I am really
saying is that it will be to your discredit to highlight an abusers flaw, unless they ask for
advice first. Highlighting someone’s abuse does not make them want to seek help. They have
to have that revelation on their own. Usually abusers can’t see a reason to adjust their
behaviour; it is up to everyone else to adjust to them. We often refer to these people as 'the
centre of the universe'. Everyone around them has to revolve their lives around their whims
and desires. And unless something dramatic goes wrong in their life, this is not about to
change. With that said, there are times when intervention is mandatory. The difficult part is
knowing when.
As for me, I was a child in the eyes of my older brothers and sisters. I was weaker than them
and therefore could not fight back when confronted. This is where my abuse comes from, not
my father or my mother directly, but from my siblings muddled viewpoint of reality. Because
I was younger, I was not as educated in life as well as schooling. The comment of 'what
would you know' resounded like a daily ritual in my youth. But also because I was younger,
smaller and weaker, I was also a target for their physical anger if I annoyed them.
One of my older brothers who is well into his sixties has never been a physical bully to me,
but even today is a verbal bully. If I don’t agree to do what he wants me to do, he will plead
and reason with me until I agree, no matter how many times I’ve already said no. Because he
won’t accept no as an answer, I end up doing what I don’t want to do and resenting him in the
process. I spent thirty years avoiding him before we finally got to talk about this issue. I had
to bully him into accepting my 'no' as an acceptable response. Although he now realises how
much he had been bullying me, he still doesn’t know the correct way to negotiate since he has
never learnt any other way. Our problem will be ongoing, but at least were finally
communicating and heading in the right direction.
When I had unrealistic expectations of my son I didn’t realise I was emulating my oldest
sister who had treated me the same with her rendition of parenting as we were growing up.
My oldest two sisters were just as cruel with their inconsistency, by changing the rules to suit
their emotions. My other two sisters seemed normal to me in comparison to the oldest two. I
remember often explaining how I would achieve certain events to sister number two, and the
response from her was always, 'why didn’t you do it this way', and go on to explain how she
thought I should have done it. It’s not really a big deal now because I have finally understood
her motivation, but to a teenager who is trying to learn about life, it was as if I could never do
anything right. I have learnt since that what they are telling me is only another way of doing
the same thing, but that doesn’t make it a better way. All I ever wanted to here was, 'good
job'. There was never any praise, no support, no affirmation, and above all, no affection. I can
understand why there were never any hugs in my family, but there was no touching at all
either. My mother never hugged or complimented, she just left me with the older children.
When I married I set out to change all that. I held my wife’s hand as we walked, and I was
not afraid to hug her in public. Looking back now I probably over compensated. I was in my
forties when I met the Smith family who know have four kids. When I did favours for the
kids, they had to pay me with a hug. Not at first because I wanted the children to consent to
hugging me, they didn’t have to if they didn’t want to. Even a two year-old has the right to
refuse. I’m in my fifties now and my son has not given me grandchildren, so I have treated
these kids as if they were family. It has helped me to be grounded, as well as other-people
centred. It’s not all about me.
My goal is not to get others to realise how they have hurt me. It is to grow from the
experience and help the next generation to understand why adults make mistakes. Most times
it is unintentional because their viewpoint of reality is really muddled, but hopefully a bit of
education can change all that.
I still respect my sisters, even though some of them made my youth difficult, I can also see
that there heart was in the right place. Just there methods were terrible. But really, they were
only children themselves.
When I was in my late thirties, I had not seen my oldest sister in nearly fifteen years. I found
the only way to reconcile the relationship was to do what I had always needed to do, admit
that I was at fault. I have learnt that any relationship with my sister can only occur as long as
I am subservient to her. If she is not in control, or feels threatened, she will need a few years
grace before we can try again. Because I submitted to her, we did reconcile for a little while.
But because she tried to get the rest of the family to act as I did. I was blamed when it didn’t
work.
That said, my second sister is not the same. I believe that there is one major difference
between the two. Sister number two does not live in denial. She has spent her adult life trying
to overcome the ordeal, putting the blame where it belongs, while my oldest sister has never
spoken of it outside of a psychologist’s chair. Although the psychologist only gets her side of
the story, that is how my sister wants to keep it. She wants her information kept where she
can control it.
My oldest sister is part Sanguine, part Choleric. She will generally mean what she says, but
when different emotions are in control, she will genuinely mean the exact opposite to a
previous statement. I always thought she was like that because of her abuse, which made my
life hell growing up. Her victim mentality meant that she always wanted to be in control and
she always had to be right; making her an expert at blaming and increase my dilemma
growing up. And like my oldest brother she doesn’t pick up on hints or subtlety very well
either. Because of my sisters personality, coupled with her need to be in control, and anything
else to do with her victim mentality, my sister is what I call ‘emotionally high maintenance’.
That is how I learnt to not only to be subservient, but to take the blame even if I’m not at
fault.
This also means that the rules are going to change regularly and without notice, which, to her,
will be acceptable and explainable. My sister ran a business where she would employ people
and had one of the largest turnover of staff than any other business I knew. She had the
audacity to blame everyone else’s incompetence. I wonder how she was training them,
because the only common denominator between all of them and her, was her.
As a young girl, my sister missed out on having a mentor, someone that they can trust and
who has her best interest at heart. Ever girl needs a father that will look out for them and a
mother who can instruct them on being a lady.
I remember my father saying that 'children should be seen and not heard'; a saying that dates
back to a time when women were not even allowed to vote. But I was reminded of this
recently by a woman I met at the library only a few days ago. Boy, did it ring alarm bells,
especially as she was explaining to me about her fifteen year-old niece, at whom the
statement was directed. In one sentence she wanted her niece to act like an adult, but in
another she wants her to be like a child. It was easy to see why her niece was rebelling
against her. The poor girl had no idea how to behave under such contradictory parenting,
which is reminiscent of the inconsistent behaviour from my sisters. The problem with the
lady at the library is that she is looking at her niece through the eyes of every sixteen year-old
boy and then accusing her niece of being promiscuous. The young girl is being accused of
doing something she has not done, and consequently has the belief that she might as well go
out and do what she has already been found guilty of.
The Auntie should be educating her about the changes she is feeling as well as about boys,
although I struggle to believe she has any real understanding of boys herself, except for what
they want from women. As for the teenager, she is going through some changes that all
young girls go through to become women, and from what I hear, has no-one to confide in.
The Auntie has proven that she is incapable of compassion; otherwise she would not be
making accusations, and what she told me of the girl’s parents was that they were like
minded in their muddled thinking. The teenager is so confused that as soon as she gets home
from school, she goes straight to her room, turns the music up full blast and shuts out the rest
of the world. I don’t blame her.
The problem for young girls is that their body dictates who they are. Girls mature quicker
than boys because their body is forcing them too. Even though a young girl still thinks like a
child, he body is changing into a woman, whether she is ready for it or not. The down side is
that men will notice the changes not long after they occur. And if her mother is not equipped
to handle her daughter, the young lady is in trouble.
Young girls need a mentor, both male and female, someone that they can trust and who’ll
look out for them. This is where girls need their father to tell them that boys are driven by
sexual desire and unless there is accountability most boys will go from girl to girl to girl. If a
girl gives in to a boys advances straight away, his challenge is over and so too the
relationship, if there ever was one. In other words, boys will have sex without being in love.
It’s different for girls. What girls need is for the boy to fall in love before she gives herself to
him. It is up to the girl to ensure the boy is not going to get you into bed until he learns the art
of romance, and for that, he needs to learn about you. This is the reason why the oldies
refrained from sex before marriage, so they can build up a friendship first. If a girl gives her
virginity away too early, then she is never going to get the romance she needs and craves. If a
boy gets sex without having to earn it, he is not going to understand why the girl starts
demanding romance once the relationship grows. Over time, he will eventually resent his
partner.
Because the desire for romance is in the girl, it is then the girl’s responsibility to ensure she
gets it, and for life. It is the parent’s role to keep the sex craved boys away from the door.
Therefore it is important to get the boy, not only to meet the parents, but spend time with
them so they can analyse his motivation, preferably before a girl has sex with him. If a boy
refuses to meet your parents, it is because he only wants to have sex with you before he
moves on to the next girl. He does not want to meet the parents who will hold him
accountable for his actions when you break up, because you will break up.
If you’re lucky, sex will occupy about ten percent of your adult life. You need more from
your partner than just a good set of abbs.
~ 13 ~