The wife complains to her husband that her breasts are sagging, her skin is wrinkly and her butt is too big and asks if he can give her a compliment to cheer her up, after which he replies: “At least there’s nothing wrong with your vision!”
A man comes to work with a black eye.
His coworker asks him what happened and he says, well, I was going to teach my girlfriend to play golf.
At first she hits the ball and it disappears so I try to find it and after a long time of searching, I find it. It turned out it had gotten stuck in the ass of a cow. I thought this was so funny that I called for my girlfriend and lifted the cow’s tail and said “Doesn’t this look resemble yours?”
If only I had known that the golf ball hadn’t fallen out yet…
Talk about mixed feelings when your mother-in-law drives off a deep chasm without any chance of survival – IN YOUR NEW CAR!!!
– You promised not to tell mom and dad about how late I got home tonight, the sister said grumpily to her little brother.
– I didn’t, he protested, I simply said it was boring to eat breakfast without you.
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: “What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, “I want to be gorgeous.” God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man’s turn came, he laughed and said, “I wish they were all ugly again.”