1. Evolution or genesis
A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
2. Shower jokes
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower?
– Clean jokes!
3. Dishwasher
I’d rather spend ten minutes rearranging the dishwasher to accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand.
4. New job
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of six weeks vacation fully paid, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 40% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Ofcourse, but you started it.”
5. Teacher’s pet?
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”
6. Sad fruit
My friend thinks he is smart – He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry. Then I threw a coconut at his face…
7. God is watching
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.”
Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
8. Morning routine
Instead of “the John” I named my toilet “the Jim”.
– That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
9. Who is genius?
A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.
The genius says: “Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours I will give you $5,000.”
The idiot says: “Okay!”
The genius then asks: “How many continents are there in the world?”
The idiot doesn’t know and hands over the $5.
The idiot says: “Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?” The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000.
The genius says, “Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?”
– The idiot hands over $5…
10. Counting cats
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Stephen: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Stephen: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Stephen: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Stephen: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Stephen, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Stephen: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!