It’s inappropriate to make a “dad joke” if you are not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley”. I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
Can February March?
No, but April May!
When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him…
“No, I’d rather drink it out of the carton!”
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, it’s tearable!
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No it doesn’t!”
I thought about going on an all-almond diet…. But that’s just nuts!
You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there?
European.
I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
They say he made a mint!
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down!
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire!
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there!
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, “First offender?”
She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
I invented a new word today… Plagiarism!
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks!
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Five out of four people admit… they’re bad with fractions!
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids… I’m a faux pa!
I know a lot of jokes about retired people… but none of them work!
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well!
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with!
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it!
I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop.
It was sole destroying!
What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
A satisfactory!
After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!
I’m so good at sleeping… I can do it with my eyes closed!
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you… an iWitness?!
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line.
Only a fraction of people will understand this!
My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home!
Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it!