Just had the following conversation in court.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: Thanks, I’m outta here.
Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one’ so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this’.
My doctor told me today I need to watch my drinking. I now drink in front of a mirror.
Why is it when an old person comes up to me at a wedding as says “You’re next” its somehow socially acceptable but when I do the same to them at funeral I get into trouble?
I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym,
“Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.
The following conversation took place while a prisoner was awaiting execution by electric chair.
Priest: Do you have any last requests?
Prisoner: Yes I do, can I hold your hand?
Why is it that good people are always the ones who get screwed over? The other day I gave my seat to an old lady on the bus and then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.
Diet Day 1: Just removed all the fattening food from my house, it was delicious.
Can’t believe how desperate my maths teacher is, he keeps asking me to find his x. I think it’s time he faced the truth, she’s not coming back.
Went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him. Today the judge gave me 20 years, problem solved.
The following conversation took place at bar
Customer: What’s the WiFi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Customer: Ok, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: $10 please.
Customer: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase!
The following conversation took place today at the hospital after the doctor told me I’ve only got 3 weeks to live.
Me: Is there nothing you can give me to help?
Doctor: Try drinking 1 litre of olive oil every day
Me: Will that cure me?
Doctor: No but it will make your cremation a lot quicker.
Interviewer: Your resume says you’re very quick at maths.
Me: Yes I am!
Interviewer: Whats 12 x 37?
Me: 49.
Interviewer: That’s not even close!
Me: Yeah, but it was fast.
Just seen two men walking together wearing matching clothes. I asked them if they were gay and they arrested me.
Just had the following conversation in a job interview.
Interviewer: Describe yourself in 1 word.
Me: Hired.
2nd Interviewer: Can he do that?
Just had the following conversation in a restaurant.
Waiter: Can I take your order sir, kids eat free today.
Me: Oh, well in that case i’ll just have a glass of water and my son will have the grilled lobster,a 15oz steak and a small bottle of champagne please.
Some people call me immature but I just recently finished a 700 page book in only 4 days. I really love coloring in.
My penis was once in the Guinness World Records.
Until the librarian told me to take it out.
I went to the doctors earlier today with hearing problems.
He said “Can u describe the symptoms?”
I said “Homers a fat guy and Marge has blue hair”
The following conversation happened after calling the police.
Police: What’s your emergency?
Me: Two girls are fighting over me.
Police: OK and what’s the problem?
Me: The fat one is winning!
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Honesty.
Boss: I don’t consider that a weakness.
Me: I don’t give a f*ck what you think.
Q. Why was the coffee sad?
A. Because it was depresso
My dwarf friend committed suicide recently… He jumped off a curb.
A funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning.
Thousands of fans attended.
Loving the new mp3 car horn I’ve recently installed. It’s amazing how much quicker people get out of your way when they start hearing gunshots.
Why is it that when a baby drinks from a bottle and falls asleep everyone thinks it’s cute but when I do it I get arrested at my local bus station and people call me an alcoholic?
Apparently when someone messages you a picture of their new baby it’s offensive to send a message back saying “Better luck next time”!
A recent study has revealed the top 3 greatest mysteries of life that people struggle with on a daily basis.
1. If sliced bread is so great why is the person who invented it not famous?
2. If blind people wear sunglasses then why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
3. If Chinese people all look the same, why do they need passports?
Life is like a box of chocolates. If you’re fat it doesn’t last very long.
The following conversation took place at McDonalds between a stoned guy and a clerk.
Guy: “Can I have a McChicken sandwich, a pack of 20 cigarettes and a bottle of whiskey please.”
Clerk: “Sir this is McDonalds.”
Guy: “Ok sorry, I meant McCigarettes and McWhiskey.”
I remember in the old days when instead of selfie sticks people used to have things called friends.
Just been pulled over by a cop. He said ‘can you identify yourself sir’ so I pulled out a mirror and said ‘yep that’s me!’
I remember in the old days when people used to get mad if you read their diary. Now people put everything online and get mad when you don’t read it.
Started the new cake diet yesterday. All you have to do is make cakes for all your friends. The fatter they look the thinner you will look!
The following conversation took place on an airplane.
Son: Daddy im scared what if the plane goes down.
Dad: Don’t worry son your mum is on board and she never goes down.
Son: What?
Dad: I mean just play with your iPad.
Went to the doctors yesterday and told him that every time I drink coffee I get a stabbing pain in my right eye.
He advised me to take the spoon out of the cup.
When you have a fat friend at school, see-saws no longer exist, only catapults.
How to get free pizza on NYE.
Order a pizza 5 minutes before midnight and then when the person arrives get really angry and shout “I ordered the damn thing a year ago!” .
I’ve just invented a great new iPhone alarm app. If you press the snooze button 3 times it automatically emails your boss telling them that your gonna be sick.
If I’m ever on life support unplug me then plug me back in. That usually works.
If you had the choice between being as rich as Bill Gates or having world peace, what color Lamborghini would you buy?
Stepped on my weighing scale this morning and it said:
“Please use social distancing, one person at a time”.