Chapter 4: The Plot Thickens
Waking with a hangover was not an auspicious start to Joe's new career as an officer on secondment to the Elf Inspector. He stumbled from the bed and into the shower after someone knocked on the bedroom door and called, "Time you was up Detective Donnally!"
Donning his clothes he dragged himself into the kitchen for juice, bacon and eggs, and the ever present cup of tea. Joe was missing his coffee but it seemed no one here had heard of it. He didn’t like to ask and he was getting used to the taste of tea anyway.
Erin was sitting smiling, as usual, and appeared to have been up for some time. But then Erin never looked anything but fresh as a daisy in May. And in her white dress, especially so.
When he was ready the two walked out of the house and Joe looked around for a car to take them to the Elf Centre.
"Would you be looking for something?" asked Erin.
"Oh, just wondered about transportation," Joe told her.
Erin gave him a slightly puzzled look. "Transportation? Oh, you mean something mechanical? Sure, we wouldn't want to be fouling up the neighbourhood with fumes now, would we? No, it isn't far at all. We can walk it in a few minutes."
She strode off down the driveway towards a tree-lined lane with Joe close behind.
The birds were still singing sporadically, although the dawn chorus was long past. He saw an occasional rabbit popping in and out of the hedgerows, squirrels in the trees, and at one point a fox ran across the road right in front of them. The whole atmosphere was one of peace and tranquility, so much so that it seemed there could be no call for police work here at all.
"Just through here," said Erin as she ducked through a gap in the hedge into a copse.
As Joe followed, she turned and blew some kind of sparkling dust into his face and then the strangest thing yet happened. It was as if he had been transported into another world. Had he shrunk? Or had everything else become larger? He felt tiny, almost Lilliputian, all of a sudden, though it wasn't actually that bad. Erin, too, appeared to have shrunk. He estimated their height to be no more than twelve inches.
"What the ...?" he exclaimed before Erin put a finger across his lips to silence him.
"Ssshhh," she whispered. "Just follow me and say nothin' til I give you a signal."
A signal? What signal? he wondered, but Erin had already turned and was walking away from him through what was now quite tall grass. Suddenly she stopped before a large old tree and knocked on it. Before Joe's astonished gaze a doorway appeared and the now diminutive creature stepped through it beckoning for Joe to follow.
Inside the tree a circular staircase wound down and down, deep under the roots. Here and there worms could be seen wriggling in and out of the walls and ceiling and occasionally dropping to the floor. It wasn't as dark as the detective would have expected though, for lighting was provided by fireflies flying around, each of their bodies giving off a bright glow.
At last they reached the bottom and Joe saw a quite amazing sight. There before him was a miniature police station of sorts. Tiny people, elves presumably, sat behind desks covered in a profusion of paperwork. More piles of paper covered the floor, some of them so high they were toppling over. Shelves sagged under the weight of yet more untidy piles of papers and on the walls were some posters showing some very unprepossessing characters.
Disorganised is right, thought Joe. Jeez! I'd get the sack if my desk looked that bad. I wonder where the elves are that hold the ledgers? This thought almost had him chuckling aloud but he managed to restrain himself.
At the back of the little room sat what Joe took to be the Inspector, sitting behind a much grander desk, raised on an earthen platform. He looked up now, and waved to Erin. "Come along, " she muttered. "It's time to meet your new boss."
Walking across the room Joe became aware that, small as he now was, these little guys were even smaller. They were wearing uniforms of a sort, all in green, and with little green caps on their heads.
"Good day to ye," said the Inspector to Erin. He had a rapid, quick-fire way of talking. "I take it this is your man then?"
"Yes, this is Detective Donnally," Erin replied.
"Hmm, very well, I suppose he'll do. Is he any good, d'ye know?"
Joe blinked but kept his mouth shut, as Erin had asked.
"I believe so," replied Erin, "but you'll doubtless be finding that out for yourself before long."
"Oh yes. Yes indeed. To be sure." Then turning to Joe he asked, "How good are you at catchin' criminals, then?"
Joe looked at Erin who nodded to him. That must be the signal, he thought, rather amused.
"Well, sir," he said feeling rather ridiculous addressing this tiny man before him as 'Sir', "I have quite a good record back home."
"Have you now? Well. We'll see how you get on here. Right. Come with me. I'll fill you in on what's been happenin'."
Joe turned to see what Erin was going to to do now but she appeared to have vanished, so he followed the little man to an empty desk in the middle of the room.
"You can use this desk, if you can get your knees under it," he said. "If not, ye'll have to do the best ye can. Now then. We have a very serious case of murder to investigate."
It was all Joe could do to keep himself from smiling. He had to bite his lip, quite hard. A serious case of murder? Was there any other kind? He cleared his throat and said, "I see."
"No. Not yet you don't. Butja will. We'll go and see the body later. It's a gnome. We know who he is. Now we have to find out who killed him. Probably a goblin. It's usually a goblin. They hate gnomes you know. Somethin' fierce. Oh yes. Detest them. Sure an' isn't there more trouble caused by goblins hatin' gnomes than everythin' else put together."
Joe's eyes widened. Trouble in paradise, huh? Who'd have thought it?
"I was wondering," he said. "Why was I called in for this particular case? I mean, what help can I be?"
"We'll get to that later. But briefly, the Chief of Elf Assessment himself has taken an interest in this one. We have to be seen to be makin' a special effort."
"Uhuh. Right." That made sense, thought Joe. Clearly the little guys weren't doing as good a job as they might.
"Woudja like to see the body then?" asked the little Inspector.
The detective gave this some thought. He'd seen dead bodies before of course, but the body of a gnome? He'd never even seen a live gnome; a deceased gnome could be extremely unpleasant for all he knew. And another thing, how long had it been dead? His stomach was beginning to churn at the thought. On the other hand, these guys might have missed vital evidence.
He tried stalling. "Has there been an autopsy yet?"
"Oh no. Not at all. He only turned up dead yesterday. No, someone will be along shortly to run the crystals over him."
"Crystals, right. Ok then, I may as well give it the once over."
Joe followed the Inspector out of the little chamber and down a tunnel. They came to another chamber, decorated with flowers and greenery. Very nice, thought Joe. Nice touch.
In the centre of the tiny room was a table and on the table was a body. It was a gnome. A dead gnome. The familiar features seen in so many garden gnomes were there of course, but the rosy cheeks were now pale, the lips white and unsmiling, the eyes blank and unseeing.
Joe felt a momentary pang. It seemed indecent somehow to be looking at this travesty of a jolly laughing gnome. He pulled himself together and walked over to the body.
As far as he could see there wasn't a thing wrong with it, apart from the fact that it had clearly stopped breathing. Yeah, this was definitely a gnome gone home.
"Don't look like a violent death," he suggested.
"Ah well. Appearances can be deceptive. Yes indeed."
"Uhuh. I guess so. What methods are usually employed by - goblins - then? To dispatch gnomes."
"Well, it's hard to say. They do usually leave some evidence of fightin', tis true, but not always."
"So how can you be sure it's goblins?"
"Ah, it usually is. Wait till you get you know the nasty little divils. You'll see."
Joe was astounded. Prejudice in faerieland? Elves are suspicious of goblins, and goblins hate gnomes. Was there anything else he should know? This was going to be some case.
Joe was back in the main room full of elves. The Inspector had gone out leaving him to get to know some of the guys. No longer under the watchful eye of their boss they were showing the more fun loving side of their natures by crumpling the papers on their desks into balls and throwing them at each other in a fair imitation of a snowball fight, accompanied by much cheering, laughter and shrieking.
Jeez, thought Joe. How do they ever get anything done? Or maybe they don't. Just blame the goblins for everything. That would do it.
He introduced himself to the elves at the nearest desks to his own. They were called Kerwit, Pandan, Erkim and Pog. There wasn't much to choose between them as far as Joe could see, in either looks or diligence to duty. Maybe they were all related, he thought. That might explain a lot.
Another thing he noticed now was the apparent absence of females. Sexual equality clearly didn't apply in this neck of the woods. Every last one was a male.
Well, saves distractions I guess, he thought, and this lot sure as hell don't need any distractions.
He sat wondering what he should be doing until an elven female walked in to the room with a file in her hand and came across to him.
Giving Joe the file she smiled and said, "Here are some people you can be visitin', find out what you can about Moghdran, where he was last seen and so on."
"Moghdran is the gnome, right?"
"Moghdran is name of the deceased, yes."
"OK," said Joe, "but how will I find these people? I'm a stranger here."
"The Inspector said to take one of the others with you. Choose one, or get a volunteer. Whichever you please."
Joe looked around the room at the still frolicking elves and sighed.
Who to take? Which one would be of any use at all?
He walked around the desks, trying to spot an elf with a modicum of discipline or organisational skills. Eventually he noticed that one of them had a somewhat tidier desk than the rest and was perhaps a little less involved in the game. It was a marginal difference perhaps, but any advantage would do at this juncture.
Joe went over to him. "Hi," he said. "Fancy going out to do some interviewing?"
The little elf looked positively elated. He beamed. "Me?" he asked "Me? Yer havin' me on! Really? Oh, wait till I tell the da! I've never been asked before!"
I just hope I'm not making the biggest mistake of my life, thought Joe. Then, smiling at the little chap's enthusiasm, He can't be faulted on that score, anyway.
"So, what do they call you?" he asked the excited little elf.
"Ah, sure, you don't want to know, but me name's Tallin."
"Well, nice to meet you Tallin," said Joe.
"Oh tis an honour to meet yourself sir, an honour."
Walking with Tallin towards the exit from this warren it occurred to the detective that perhaps the inspector was looking for a scapegoat, should the culprit not be found, but Joe wasn't too worried. What could they do? Sack him? Send him packing? Maybe even have him transferred back home? Nothing too serious there. It might even do him a favour.
Thoughts of magical retribution didn't even occur to him.
***
Detective Donnally followed the little elf up the winding stairs to the exit of the Elf Centre and out through the doorway in the tree.
"Where now?" he asked.
"Oh just through these trees. We have to get to where the gnomes hang out. It's not far at all."
Joe saw a black bird land nearby, and the size of it, relative to his present proportions, was alarming.
"Hey, are we safe?" he yelled.
The elf laughed uproariously, rocking and holding his little sides.
"Ah to be sure, you're one of us now. Don't worry about a thing. It won't bother us. Don'tcha know about that?"
He turned to walk on but Joe grabbed him by the arm.
"Hold on just one freakin’ minute." he said. "I think you'd better explain that, mister. Whaddya mean, I'm one of you now? What am I, an elf?"
"Ah no, you can't become an elf, or a brownie, or a pixie, or anything else. You either are one, or you're not."
"So what have I become?"
"Oh deary me. Deary, deary me. Someone should warn people, they really should. Y'see, when Erin brought you here she brought you in to our dimension."
Joe's brow furrowed. "Dimension?" he said.
"That's the fella. Think of it this way. We operate in the same space as humans but kind of on a different wavelength."
"Wavelength," repeated Donnally.
"To be sure. It's kind of quantum."
"Quantum?"
"Yes, but if you keep on repeating like that I'll never get finished."
"Sorry," said Joe, "but this is a lot to take in. Does this mean we're invisible then? To humans and - things?"
"To humans, yes. Sometimes they might catch a glimpse, if we're moving a bit slow, but mostly they don’t see us. Babies now, they're different. They see us, and animals too. They have the sight you see. Sometimes when humans get very old it comes back to them as well. But for now, all you need to know is, most people won't be aware of you at all. And the creatures won't trouble you."
"Hmm, well, if you're sure..."
"Oh, will you stop your worrying and come along? Haven’t we got work to do?"
A little further through the trees the elf paused and pointed. "Will you look at that, now? There they are, their very selves!" he announced.
Joe looked in the direction the little man was pointing in and saw a whole bunch of gnomes. Males and females of varying sizes and ages but all clearly gnomes. The beards, the clothes, everything about them reminded Joe of the popular garden ornaments.
"Come on," said Tallin, "I can see Moghdren's wife. We'd better start with her."
The pair walked across to where the gnomes were standing around and chatting. They were under a bush of some description. Joe had no idea about such things. Where he came from there were few bushes of any description.
"Hello there Aldreagh," said the elf. "I'm here with this detective to ask you a few questions about poor Moghdran. I hope it's convenient just now."
Joe saw one of the female gnomes wiping her eyes with a little handkerchief. Sniffing heavily she cried,"Oooooh, what's the good of questions? It won't give me back me man, will it?"
The other gnomes gathered closer around her and tried to comfort her by patting her back or stroking her plump little arms.
"Ah no, of course, it won't do that, but we need to be knowing who did it, do we not?"
Clearing his throat, Joe addressed the gathering. "Excuse me for butting in here folks," he said, "but can anyone tell me when Moghdran was last seen alive?"
This set off a fresh round of wailing, to which the others added their voices. The word "cacophany" sprang to Joe's mind.
Jeez, he thought, is it always like this? Maybe the elves have the right idea. Just blame it on the goblins and go home. He wasn’t an unkind man but he certainly wasn’t at ease with all this emotion. No sirree.
After much questioning of the various gnomes, Joe and Tallin were none the wiser. Aldreagh had seen Moghdran leave their home the previous morning with his packed lunch under his arm. One or two neighbours had seen him walking away from his home and that was it. To all intents and purposes he had gone off to work as usual.
"What was in his lunch?" asked Joe, checking for the possibility of food poisoning.
"Oh just the usual. Bread, a bit cheese," Aldreagh told him, still sniffling.
Joe nodded. Hmmm, he thought as they walked away, nothing there to go on. He turned to Tallin. "What next then? See if he turned up at work?"
"Oh, good thinkin' Joe. Yes! That's what we'll do."
"So where did he work?"
"Ah. Now there you have me. Good question. Gnomes tend to be itinerant y'see. Always on the move. They like the outdoor life and a change of scenery now and again. I'll ask Aldreagh, or one of the neighbours, where his last place of employment was."
Rather you than me, thought the detective as he watched Tallin approach the group once more. In a few minutes he little elf was back, his face wreathed in smiles.
"Sure that was easier than I thought it would be," he said. "It turns out he wasn't doin' his usual work yesterday at all. The neighbours didn't know, but Aldreagh just remembered. He said he had a special job on. Some private contract."
"Who for? Does she know?"
"Ah, no, in fact. She has absolutely no idea. It was a rush job, and hush-hush, apparently."
The plot thickens, thought Joe. He wondered what this secret job was, who had employed the little gnome, and whether it might conceivably have had anything to do with Moghdran's death. How to find out might prove to be something of a problem but the detective had reckoned without the magic of the little people.
"What now?" he asked Tallin, somewhat crestfallen.
The elf hauled himself onto a tree stump and pondered. "Well now," he said then paused, distracted for a moment as a large butterfly fluttered by and settled on a flower beside him, "Where was I? Oh yes, the best thing might be to go and see if they've done the Questin' yet."
"The questing?"
"There you go with the repeatin' again. Could you not do that please? It's aggravatin'."
Joe tried to look apologetic, not entirely successfully, and sat down on the tree stump next to Tallin. "So, this questing. Is that like the autopsy?"
"Now you have it!" said the elf excitedly. "Y'see? It didn't take much workin' out did it? You didn't have to do all that repeatin' didja?"
Joe forced a smile and said, "I guess not. Explain this questing to me."
"Right, well what it is, is this. The Grand Inquisitor brings along his crystals and runs them over the body, and from that he can tell all manner of things. Oh yes, all manner of things."
"Like what?" asked Joe.
"Like, what he died of, and what his mood was before he died, stuff like that."
"Yeah? Handy things those crystals, then?"
"Oh indeed yes. Where would we be without them? Tell me that!"
The detective could think of no answer to that so he just attempted another smile and nodded in agreement.
They two agreed to go back to the Elf Centre and see what the Questing had managed to turn up in the way of evidence. Jumping down from the tree stump, they headed back the way they'd come.
The trees around them were extremely tall to Joe now, and he could hear birds singing somewhere amongst the leafy canopy high above, through which shafts of sunlight were streaming down before being broken into millions of tiny shards of brilliance by the dew drops that still remained. He stopped occasionally to just enjoy this miniature and entirely natural Son et Lumiere spectacle. As he’d reflected earlier, this was a whole new experience for a city guy like him.
Squirrels were to be seen scampering along the branches and occasionally running across the grassy floor. They would stop sometimes, tails erect and whiskers twitching, and sit watching Joe and Tallin for a few moments before hurrying on their way.
As they walked on, the elf began to sing a little song in a sweet voice, clear and tuneful:
"In Erin's Isle I love to, be a little elf man, wild and free;
sure, what in life could better be than to be here, and to be me?
I have my life, I have my health I have my home though little wealth
I have my friends, they have myself Sure I'm a lucky little elf.
With honest work I earn my pay With fun and laughter every day
I do not know a better way; it is a life that's good and gay."
Clearly, thought Joe, smiling, the word gay has kept it's original meaning in these parts.
Tallin looked across and giggled. "Actually," he said, "we know all about that. It means the same thing here, y'know."
Joe stopped dead in his tracks. Gay elves? Now, fairies perhaps... and did that mean Tallin was... No, forget it. None of your business, Donnally.
Tallin giggled again. Then he chuckled. Then he roared with laughter. "Oh I can see we're goin' to have a high old time, you and me, Oh yes, yes indeed," he managed to say eventually. "Come on now, we'd better be gettin' back."
They were totally unprepared, though, for what awaited them at the Elf Centre.