Chapter 5: The Goblins
Detective Donnally set off for the Elf Centre with the little elf showing the way. All the trees looked the same to Joe. ‘Naturalist’ had never been a part of his job description. Before long it became clear that something was amiss, though he could never be sure afterwards whether it was the smell or the noise he noticed first. From the direction of the entrance to the elf warren a foul stench assailed his nostrils accompanied by some kind of low grunting and chattering sounds.
"Oh bejaysus, goblins!" cried Tallin. "We'd better be approaching a bit careful, like, til we see the lie of the land."
"Goblins? I thought it was gnomes they hated?" asked Joe. "Should we be scared of them too?"
"Ah well, you can't be too careful with goblins. Nasty bunch they are. Not too keen on anybody really."
"Yeah?"
"Yes, you'll see. Just watch yourself, that's all."
They aproached now with caution, dodging from tree to tree and beneath bushes and shrubs until they came in sight of the cause of the unpleasant smell.
Standing before the tree they wanted to enter was a bunch of the ugliest looking creatures Joe had ever had the misfortune to see. Most were a little taller than Joe and Tallin, about the same size as the gnomes but without their pleasing plumpness. These guys were thin, scrawny, with flat faces, and pointy ears. Their noses were wide and rather snout-like; their mouths were also wide with tiny fangs protruding from them.
They wore an assortment of filthy rags and some sort of makeshift armourment made from scraps of leather cobbled together any old how. Longish dishevelled hair completed the picture of overall neglect. Weapons of various kinds were being brandished in a general sort of way as they talked among themselves. A few smaller, younger-looking specimens were also present.
"Look at the nasty evil creatures," the elf said quietly. "Very cunning, goblins are. Oh yes. Y'need to be watchin' your back, always."
"Uhuh. Right. Gotcha," Joe whispered back. "Whaddya suppose they want?"
"Ah well now, it could be they're on a raid. They steal y'know. Oh yes. Mean and cowardly they are and full of tricks. They can see in the dark too, which makes them 'specially dangerous."
"Those little guys, are those youngsters?" Joe asked.
"Ah sure, breed like rabbits they do. The place is gettin' overun with the horrible things."
At first Joe had wondered if elves were racist, or should that be speciesist? But looking at these creatures he had to admit they didn’t look like the most desirable of neighbours.
"Can't you just make some sort of spell to make them go away?” he asked. “I mean, what good is magic if you can't use it?"
"You'd think so, wouldn'tcha? But unfortunately there are Rules. And Regulations. And aren't I bound to uphold them?"
Hmmm, thought Joe. This place is not much better than my world, when you think about it.
They sat and watched the goblins while they considered the best way to approach this problem. Joe hoped that the "nasty creatures" would simply move on, thereby obviating the need to do anything, but it was not to be. The goblins stood around discussing whatever it is goblins discuss, and the detective and the elf waited behind a bush. Unfortunately it was a bush covered with large spiny prickles, and before long Joe had managed to impale himself on one of them.
"Goddamn it" he yelled, quite forgetting to keep quiet.
That did it. Tallin jumped, his eyes and mouth wide with alarm, while goblin ears pricked up, and goblin heads turned to see what had made the strange noise.
The little elf was looking most alarmed. "Oh Bejaysus you've done it now and no mistake," he muttered.
Joe said nothing but weighed up the situation.
On this side of the bush were a miniaturised human cop, unarmed, and an elf cop, also unarmed. On the other side were a dozen or so ugly looking characters, mostly bigger than either of them, armoured, armed to the teeth and approaching warily.
"Not good odds," he suggested.
"Ah, no, not good at all," agreed his companion. "Haven't you hit the nail right on the head this time?"
"Whadda we do now?"
"Well, we could make a run for it, but it's probably not a good idea. Though if we do nothing there's not much chance of us getting out alive either."
They were running out of time anyway so Joe asked, "Is there nothing magical you can do at all?"
"Well, I do have one trick up my sleeve. Nothing ventured, nothing gained I suppose. Whisht now and watch."
Tallin stood up and with a wave of his tiny hands pronounced some words:
Mighty Dagda, Tetra's woe,
grant me now a fall of snow;
by the power of all that's holy
cover them up and not too slowly.
Immediately it was if a little patch of winter had appeared around the goblins and they were buried under a heavy snowfall which sparkled in the bright summer sun.
"Jeez," said Joe. "That's handy."
"Yes, to be sure, but it won't be lasting long in this weather so we'd best be getting out of here if you want to make a run for it."
The pair ran quickly from the shelter of the shrubbery and, giving the mound of snow and goblins a wide berth, headed towards the tree which gave entry to the Elf Centre.
They entered and Tallin slammed the door shut behind them, making sure it was securely locked. Down the higgledy piggledy stairs they ran, almost falling headlong in their haste.
Once down in the warren they headed first for the room where Joe had been assigned a desk. It was empty. Strange, thought Joe. Where'd everybody go?
Tallin however didn't appear fazed at all. He clapped his hands and muttered some words and immediately the room was as full of elves as it ever was.
Turning to the astonished Joe he explained: "Sometimes when danger threatens we can simply disappear, y'see. It's not deliberate, well, not always. It can be fear that does it. You humans turn pale, we vanish altogether. Not for long though, eh?"
The detective was beginning to expect the unexpected but he was still stunned at this latest revelation.
“Quantum?”
“There you have it! Something of that sort. We just move into another dimension! It’s easy when you know how.”
“Are there many of these dimensions?” Joe enquired.
“Ah well, nobody knows for sure. Probably thousands.”
Joe blinked a time or two, shook his head as if to clear it, then said, "Perhaps we should find out about Moghdran."
"Yes, indeed, to be sure, that' s what we ought to be doin' all right. Come on then, this way."
He led the way to the little grotto-cum-morgue Joe had seen early that morning. Moghdran the gnome was still there, lying just as Joe remembered him. There was no one else about though so the pair left and Tallin knocked on the door of an adjacent chamber. As he did so he smiled, gave Joe a large wink, and gestured with his head towards the door. Joe, rather bemused, wondered what was coming next. He soon found out.
"Yes? What is it? I'm busy just now," came a voice, sounding none too pleased at being interrupted.
"Beggin' your pardon Sir, but it's Tallin and Donnally. We've come to get the results of the Questin'."
There was a short silence, then the sound of hurried mutterings and scufflings came through the door before they heard the voice again.
"Wait just a minute," the slightly breathless voice continued. "I'll be with you directly."
A few moments later the door opened and the figure of the Inspector was to be seen, looking decidedly flustered. "Right, I'll expect that report tonight," they heard him say before turning to face the detectives.
"Well?" he demanded then, straightening his jacket. "What didja find out?"
The two detectives told the Inspector what they'd learned from the gnomes, which didn't appear to impress him much.
"I see. Uhuh. I see," he kept repeating.
When they'd finished they asked about the results of the Questing, or autopsy, as Joe preferred to think of it.
"Well now. That's interesting. Very interesting. Yes indeed."
They waited expectantly, hoping to learn what was so interesting, but to no avail. The Inspector just stood there, evidently deep in thought.
"So, is there anything we’d be needing to know, Sir?" Tallin asked, eventually.
Joe just stood there, feeling about as important as he did in his own police station back home, in other words not at all, and waited patiently for the inspector to proffer a few morsels of information.
"Hmmm?" he responded. "What's that? Oh, right. Yes. Right, well, if there's nothing else...?"
Joe's eyes widened, and Tallin sighed, almost inaudibly.
"Er, the Questin'?" he enquired patiently. "Was there anything found we should be knowing about?"
"The Ques... ? Oh that! No, nothin' you need bother y'selves with. Get back to your work now." And with that he came out of the room and hurried off down the corridor.
Joe looked at the elf, who looked back at Joe. They both shrugged and simultaneously asked, "What now?"
They decided it was time to eat something while reconsidering their plan of action so made their way to a little canteen. There Joe saw some female elves behind the counter. Clearly sexist, these elves, he thought. Keep the women in the kitchen. He could imagine what his colleagues would have to say about that. Female detectives were fairly common these days in the human world.
Tallin was clearly very interested in one of the kitchen workers, and kept winking at her while waiting for his meal. Joe remembered the Inspector's behaviour of earlier and commented on it.
"Was he with a female, d'you think?" he enquired.
Tallin smiled. "Oh begorrah, yes. He's not gay, not that we know of anyway," he said and started to laugh uproariously. "No," he said at last, when he managed to settle down, "That's where you'll find him often enough. Just don't tell his lady wife, though, she'd not take kindly to it. No, not at all."
Joe wasn’t in the least surprised by that bit of information. He pondered again on the similarities between this world and his own. He spoke again:
"Who's office is that, then?"
"Oh, its not anybody's really. Just a room for folks visitin' the body. If you're trying to find out who he was with, you'll be disappointed. There's no knowing. There are other ways in and out of it."
"And you're sure that's what it was? Not some other kind of shenanigans to do with the case?"
"What? Corruption in high places y'mean? Well, it's not impossible, o' course. Could have been a secret meetin' I suppose. Hmmm. You know, you could be right. He was rather distracted, wasn't he?"
That was something of an understatement in Joe's opinion but he let it go. Maybe the Inspector was always distracted when he'd been caught in flagrante delicto, as the law would say.
Over a bowl of mushroom soup with wild garlic croutons the two detectives reviewed what facts they been able to ascertain so far:
1. Moghdran had not gone to his usual place of work on the day of his death, but had a special secret job.
2. There were no obvious signs of goblin activity, i.e. violence, on the body.
3. The Chief had taken a special interest in the case and brought in outside help, either to help or to be a scapegoat. Tallin agreed that this was quite possible.
4. The Inspector had conceivably been having secret meetings and hadn't been forthcoming over the results of the Questing.
It wasn't much to go on but the pair felt they were getting somewhere.
"Is there any way of finding out what the Questing showed? Aside from the Inspector?" Joe wondered. "He could be withholding vital evidence."
Tallin looked unsure. "He could, I suppose. But why would he? It is fishy though, isn't it? Well, we could go straight to the Inquisitor's office I suppose. I know a nice little faerie that works there, she's a bit of all right, if you understand me, " he said, smiling, and winked again at Joe. "She'll tell me anything I want to know. If you know what I mean."
Joe had a pretty shrewd idea of the little elf's meaning. It wasn't exactly rocket science after all. He shook his head slightly in mild disbelief. These guys were no different from humans at all, were they? Apart from the magic of course.
Having finished their meal they set off to see what lay in the files of the Chief Inquisitor.
Joe and Tallin made their way out of the warren that was the Elf Centre and through the exit, cautiously looking around for goblins as they emerged. Thankfully there was no sign of them now but a large wet patch on the ground showed where they been buried in the snowfall.
"Will they be back?" asked Joe.
"Ah, well not until dark I shouldn’t think. They can see in the dark y'know. Oh yes. That's when they usually attack. I don't know what they’d be doing here in broad daylight. It's odd, is that." And he stood thoughtfully for a few moments, trying to work it out.
Shortly however he abandoned that and led the way through the trees where once again Joe was struck by the beauty and tranquility of this place. The greenery above filtered the now slanting rays of late afternoon sunlight and the occasional bird sang its enchanting song. It all made the thought of murder most foul, if that's what it was, seem so unlikely. But this, too, was to be found in his own world.
Eventually they came to a large clearing and Tallin clapped his hands sharply, once again muttering something unintelligible - unintelligible to Joe, anyway. As Joe watched, a building appeared before him, slowly and gradually, like a photograph does in developing solution. It sparkled in the sunshine like sugar, pure white and with small mullioned windows and a tall green roof.
Joe was astounded. So buildings could appear and disappear too? Jeez, this place took some getting used to.
"Here we are, " said the elf. "The Inquisitor's place. Y'can come in, but leave the talkin' to me."
Joe nodded dumbly - he was beginning to get used to being an elf's assistant - and followed the little man up some white steps and in through a doorway which appeared to be made of a milky crystalline material.
Inside was a large entrance hall with a floor of white marble, at the back of which was a large desk. Behind the desk sat what Joe took to be a faerie. She was tiny, with large translucent wings which shimmered in the light with all the colours of the rainbow. Her overall appearance was slender and willowy, her ears were pointy at the top and her fingers were long and tapering. She wore a diaphanous dress of lavender blue, which hid little of the exquisitely proportioned figure beneath.
Joe just stood, slack jawed, and stared. She was the prettiest thing he'd ever seen. Tallin's advice had been totally unnecessary. He couldn't have spoken if he'd wanted to.
"Wait here," muttered his companion. "I'll go and ask Eldrinda if there's any news for us."
Joe watched the elf approach the desk and speak quietly to the delicate creature. They chatted for a few moments and Joe heard a dainty tinkling laugh blending with Tallin's more familiar chuckle.
The little faerie left then and flew vertically upwards into the upper reaches of the building which had a large marble staircase winding around the central atrium.
Tallin came back to Joe and whispered, "She's gone for a sneaky peek at the records. She won't be long. I'd best be waiting by the desk."
Joe just nodded dumbly once again and watched as the elf returned to the far side of the hall to await the faerie's return.
They didn't have long to wait. Eldrinda soon returned and sat herself behind the desk once more. Another muttered conversation took place between her and Tallin, again accompanied by much laughter and somewhat flirtatious behaviour, before the elf took his leave of her and returned to where Joe was standing.
"Come on," he said, "Let's get out of here. You're not going to believe this. No indeed. Sure, I can hardly believe it meself."
They walked quickly out of the glittering building and headed for the trees. As they walked away Tallin turned, clapped his hands twice and muttered his magic words again, whereupon the building flickered and twinkled a few times before vanishing into thin air with a faint popping sound.
Joe shook his head and turned to the little elf. "Well?" he demanded. "What have you found out?"
"It looks like you were right, so it does. Corruption in high places. Didja ever hear of such a thing? Well didja? I don't know what we're going to do, I really don't. It's all too much to take in," he said as he shook his little head from side to side in bewilderment.
"So tell me," said Joe, who had heard of such a thing all too often in his own world. "What exactly has been going on?"