Chapter 6: Empty As A Pocket
Tallin was almost beside himself. He was hopping from one foot to the the other and wringing his little hands .
"Ah, Joe, it's worse than we thought, so it is."
Joe felt like grabbing the little guy and shaking him but he kept his cool. "How about we go back and have a nice drink and you tell me all about it, " he suggested.
"Ah, you're right, yes, of course. That's the fella. The very one. A stiff drink is what we’re needing right now, yes indeed. Come on then, I know just where we can be getting one."
Tallin led the way back through the trees and towards a little stream that gurgled its way between mossy stones. Once more he did the hand clapping thing and a small wooden bridge appeared which they crossed. On the other side he clapped again and there before them stood a small whitewashed building with leaded windows, a thatched roof and and a sign saying "The Druids Arms: Fine Ales and the Best Poteen Anywhere".
Joe, who was almost beyond astonishment now, followed the elf inside and sat at a low, round highly polished table.
"Two drams of your finest," called Tallin to the little wizened man behind the bar. "A brownie," he whispered to Joe. "Nice enough, in their place."
Once again Joe was struck by the evident speciesism going on here but he kept his thoughts to himself.
The drinks were brought over and set down on the table by a buxom little female gnome who flashed them a warm smile before returning to the bar.
As they sipped at the hooch, as smooth as any whiskey Joe had ever tasted and with a flavour quite incomparable, Joe decided he’d waited long enough.
"OK. So tell me. What did - Eldrinda? - say?"
Tallin looked Joe straight in the eye and appeared to be steeling himself before replying. "She said, without a word of a lie, that the file was - empty!"
"Empty," repeated Joe, before he remembered that the elf hated that. "Empty, you say?"
"As empty as me pocket. As empty as me grandda's head. Totally, completely, utterly empty."
"Could that mean there hasn't been a - questing - done?"
"Ah, no. Not really. For one thing, it's always done the day after death and for another, didn't the Inspector say it had been done?"
"Well, not in so many words, no," replied Joe, "but he did imply it. Either way, it's fishy."
"Fishy, yes. A definite odour of piscatorial dubiosity."
"Pisca - what? Oh right, Yeah. So now we have to find out who didn't want the findings found, you might say. "
"To be sure. And find out what the findings were!”
He clapped his hands together and banged his drinking vessel on the table. “Two more drams here!" he added in the general direction of the bar.
During the second drink Joe wondered how they might go about finding out these things but Tallin said that they'd done enough for one day and perhaps they should sleep on it. It seemed a sound plan, so the rest of the evening was spent in the pleasant pursuit of alcohol induced oblivion.
The poteen flowed, as did the talk, as the bar filled up with assorted brownies, elves and pixies.
When Joe awoke it was to the sweet sound of birdsong, a rousing dawn chorus which filled the room - no - wait - he wasn't in a room. He was lying beneath a tree, cold and crumpled, with Tallin beside him. He looked around and saw the warm pink fingers of roseate dawn creeping across a sky which ranged from dusky blue to palest turquoise and lemon. Not that Joe thought of it in those terms.
Strangely, considering the circumstances, he had no hangover at all but he was remarkably thirsty and, perhaps less remarkably, hungry. He leaned across and gave Tallin a poke in the ribs.
"Hey. Wake up. I gotta eat. That soup yesterday went nowhere."
The elf roused himself, stretched, yawned hugely and blinked a few times.
"Ah, top o' the mornin' to you," he remarked cheerfully.
"I'm real hungry, " said Joe.
"Oh, me too, me too. I could eat a horse, so I could."
Joe didn't even want to think about that so he said,"Where can we get something to eat at this hour?"
"Let me think. I betcha Erin's place is never closed to the likes of you."
"But that's, oh, miles away. Isn't it?"
The elf giggled. "Not at all, not at all. When will you learn?"
He and Joe scrambled to their feet then the elf waved his hands around with some muttering and before Joe could even blink they were standing outside Erin's house and he was once again his normal size. This up and down like a yo-yo was more than a little disconcerting, thought Joe, but no doubt he’d get used to it in time. If, that is, he was here for any length of time.
He went up the steps to the front door of Erin's house and tried to open it. It was unlocked as Tallin had predicted so he entered, followed - with some difficulty - by the little elf who was now considerably smaller than him. They made their way to the kitchen and saw Bridget sitting at the table with the inevitable cup of tea.
"Oh, 'tis yourselves. And I suppose it's breakfast you'll be wanting now, is it?"
"Sorry," mumbled Donnally. "We kinda got sidetracked last night.”
"Uhuh, into a bar I have no doubt. You don't want to go trusting them elves y'know,” she said, with not a thought of whether the one standing there would be offended. “They're..."
"Tricky little creatures, I know," finished Joe.
"Ah well, sit yourselves down," she said, with barely a glance at the object of her scorn.
Over bacon and eggs Joe asked Tallin who'd paid for the drinks the night before.
"Ah to be sure, you don't have to worry about that. It's all taken care of."
Joe frowned. "In what way?" he asked.
"Well now, I had nothin' on me, and you only had that paper stuff you people carry around so I told them you'd settle up when you get paid."
"Oh, you did, did you? I see. So the drinks were all on me."
"Indeed, and very generous you were too."
Joe shook his head in disbelief. He should have known. Hadn't they warned him about elves? Oh well, nothing to be done now except learn from it. As for getting paid, he had no notion of when, how or even whether he would be!
Bridget just sat reading her novel and drinking her tea. She said nothing, but the occasional short sigh suggested that what she was hearing was no more than she'd come to expect.
A whispered discussion followed regarding how to find out what the inspector was up to. Tallin was all for having him captured by goblins and tortured till he told the truth but Joe had definite reservations about such a plan. It was his neck on the block if it all went pear-shaped after all. No, how about a spy? he suggested. The elf considered this, and thought of the Inspector's favourite bit of light relief but wasn't sure how they'd get her to spill the beans.
"I thought you people could read minds anyway," said Joe suddenly, remembering a former conversation.
"Ah, well now, human minds, yes. They're easy. You people can't keep a thing secret if we really want to know it. But each other's, not really."
"Hmmm, ok. Well, could he be blackmailed? If everyone knows about his shenanigans except his wife..."
"Ah, now you're thinking, Joe. I wonder. We'd need proof o' course. And before you ask, no we don't have cameras."
"No cameras, huh? Bugs?"
Tallin looked somewhat bemused at this. "There's as many bugs around here as anywhere," he said. "Any particular kind of bugs? Not that I've ever found them to be of much use. Not in this line of work. The fireflies are pretty handy o' course..."
Joe laughed. "No, not bug bugs. Listening devices."
"Ah why didn'tcha say?" laughed the elf. Then more seriously, "No. We don’t."
They sat awhile then, scratching their heads and rubbing their faces, until Joe said "I need a nice hot shower and a shave. I'll see you in a while. Ok?"
"Right you are. And while you're doin' that I 'll be trying to come up with the answer. On you go then."
In the shower Donnally relaxed and let the stream of hot water wash away the stiffness resulting from the night spent outdoors. He couldn't remember when he'd enjoyed a shower more. The hot water and the faint aroma of the suds combined to stimulate his senses into some semblance of normality.
After a shave and a change of clothes, as usual left for him in the bedroom, he felt much more prepared to face another day of sleuthing: stomach full, clean and tidy again, and his brain in full working order. Or at least, working as well as it ever did. As he returned to Tallin, Joe pondered on how remarkable it was that there always seemed to be a change of clothes for him and wondered whether it was Bridget he had to thank for that. He figured he ought to thank her in some way before he left.
He went back to the kitchen to find the little elf dancing around the table waving his little arms in the air. "I have it! I have it!" he was shouting.
"Have what?"
"The answer you eejit. What we have to do!"
"You do?" enquired Joe, somewhat doubtfully.
"Oh yes, Yes indeed. This is the best plan ever!"
"So tell me"
"Right. You're going to kidnap his wife!"
Donnally stood looking at the little elf with an expression of total and utter disbelief.
"I - what?" he said."Are you nuts? There's no way I'm going to kidnap anybody, especially the Inspector's wife! Jeez, as if I haven't got enough problems. Think again, bud."
Tallin was looking quite crestfallen now. His head and shoulders were drooping and he stood shuffling his feet like a child who'd been told off.
"I was only tryin' to help," he said sadly. "If you can think of a better idea, then fine."
Joe felt awful. The last thing he wanted was to hurt the little guy's feelings, but kidnapping? He tried to encourage him a bit.
"Listen, I appreciate the suggestion, ok? But there has to be some legal way around this. We're cops after all. If we can't get to the bottom of it, who can?"
"Very well. We'll go and see the Drui..."
"Hey, I'm not going near that bar again until this thing's over!"
"Whisht! Listen to me, will ya? Not the pub. The Druid himself. We'll need to make him a gift I dare say but he'll know what to do."
This was getting crazier by the minute. Joe shook himself and grunted. A druid now. What in the name of... When was he going to get to do some real detecting? Or maybe that wasn't possible in a place like this. The rules were all different. Nothing worked in the way he was used to.
" I don't know," he said. "Is that really the only way to go? Listen, if it's all the same to you I'm going to ask Erin what she thinks."
"Oh, I see. Elves not good enough for you now? Let's go and ask Erin 'cause she's half human, is it?"
Joe was a little embarrassed by that. "Maybe,” he admitted. “But she'll be able to bridge the mile-wide gap we seem to have between us anyway."
The elf looked up, his eyes blazing now, his little face scowling. He stood for a few moments like this, saying nothing, then suddenly it was over. His face lit up again, like the sunshine after a storm, and he smiled.
"Ok, " he admitted. "You have a point there, indeed you do. Come on then, what are we waitin' for? Let's go!"
They found Erin in her library and Joe asked her what she thought of Tallin's plan to see a Druid, or was it the Druid? He wasn't too sure about that.
Erin smiled and asked the pair to be seated while they discussed the whole thing so Joe sat on the sofa and helped Tallin to scramble up beside him.
"Now then," said their hostess, "obviously you can't tell me police business, but what's this all about?"
The pair tried to explain what their problem was without going into detail, and spent more time interrupting each other than anything, but eventually Erin seemed to have a grasp on things.
"I see," she said. "You need to get hold of information vital to the case which you feel is being withheld, is that right?"
"Exactly!" shouted the little elf. "Sure, and isn't that what I've been sayin'?"
Erin was shrewd enough to see that while going to the local Druid might be productive, Joe needed to be doing something constructive himself.
"If I were to lend you my crystal," she said, "and give you the Gift of Invisibility for an hour or two, how would that be?"
Joe pondered this. Was she saying he could kind of break in and do the autopsy thing himself? How would he know how to use the crystals, or how to interpret the findings?
He looked at Erin and saw the merriment in her eyes, though her face remained otherwise impassive.
"Uh," he began, "how...?"
"It's not easy for a beginner, but I'm sure you could do it with a little help."
"So how come they have a - what? - Grand Inquisitor?"
"Oh, it's just the way it is. Officialdom. You understand. And of course she is very learned and experienced."
"She?" Joe was astounded. After what he’d seen in the Elf Centre he’d never imagined female elves to be in positions of power.
"Does that surprise you?" Erin asked.
"Just a bit, yeah."
"Well, isn't that just like a man? So, what do you think of my idea?"
Joe scratched his head. What did he think of it? He supposed there was nothing wrong with a bit of help, and if a woman had the top job it wasn’t any of his business. After all, things were changing these days and who knew what that involved in the strange world he’d come into.
He mulled it over, agreed that it was a good idea, and told Erin so.
That decided, the pair left the house and made their way to the Elf Centre to see what they could find.