Swiatek Press Copyright 2008, Robert S. Swiatek. All Rights Reserved No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without written permission from both the copyright owner and the publisher of this book.
Published by Swiatek Press, Inc. 71 Georgian Lane #3 Buffalo, NY 14221
ISBN: 0-9817843-4-8This is another book on the three “Ls”: language, laughter and lunacy. Almost a sequel to for seeing eye dogs only and wake up – it’s time for your sleeping pill, this is the last of the three books. Note the Doberman on the back cover, which can be found on each of those books. I really put him through hell, first skydiving, then health care and finally the postal service. It is possible that I will do another similar book in the future – but only by popular demand.
Because of all the missing intelligence around us – you need not search very far – it didn’t take me long to finish the second book. As soon as that was out of the way until publication, I started collecting more gems. As a result, here’s your free gift – send $10 for shipping may be the book that I finished in the shortest time. Unfortunately, there was a lapse between that point and the publication date, due to my work on other more important books.
Speaking of short, that adjective also describes this introduction. Without further ado, let’s get started. Here’s to plenty of laughs!
iWhat follows here are almost in order. I thought about listing things just as they occurred, but since our world seems to defy reason all too often, I decided not to bother. In my 2008 book, wake up – it’s time for your sleeping pill, I included the “best” headlines of 2005 – I’m not sure what the guidelines are to qualify. What I have done is check the news for stories and headlines – both newspaper and online versions – that could be better stated and posted them with my thoughts. The hope is that you’ll get a chuckle or two and realize that newspaper people don’t get enough time to meet their deadlines.
It may be a new year, but even that brings more lovely headlines. On January 2, 2008, I saw these words just before checking my email – mostly spam:
Man re-creates ‘Star Wars’ in garage with family, neighbors
I wonder if that’s with the original cast.
There’s another headline on that same day: Justice Department to launch criminal probe of CIA tapes
Why waste time probing – if it’s the CIA, isn’t it criminal?
On Monday, January 7, 2008, I happened to spot this question just before going to do an email check:
Why do Mexican jumping beans jump?
You’d be jumping too if you were fried, let alone re-fried.
Sometimes headlines can give you useful information, such as the one of January 10, 2008 – which follows and I didn’t pursue, since I’m retired:
3 signs that you have a miserable job
I don’t believe these were listed but should be considered: 1. You have to raise your hand before using the rest room 2. You’re required to work on the 31th of every month 3. You have to give two weeks notice if you die
On that same day, I saw something that may be related to a previous headline:
Stocks jump as Bernanke says Fed ready to lower interest rates
Do you think Mexican beans had something to do with this?
Some days are an extravaganza for headlines – at least for this book. January 11, 2008 had a few, including this one:
NYC’s Bloomberg tests waters for presidential run
I hope he’s not planning to stick his foot in the Hudson River. Oh, well, it’s his body, not mine.
The second one on that same day was groundbreaking:
Baghdad gets first snowfall in decades
Unfortunately, it was not the first snow job in that period.
There seemed to be no end on that banner day, because I caught this one as well:
Singapore called Asia’s happiest country
There’s must be something in the water or else they’re watching the Comedy Channel.
The fourth headline of note on the 11th of January was:
Scientists rule out possibility of asteroid hitting Mars
I wonder if there is still hope for cleaning up the lobbyists in Washington with it.
You could find this headline on Wednesday, January 16, 2008:
Bush promises to stay engaged in Mideast peace
Won’t that upset Laura?
Another that I couldn’t pass on that same day was this one:
Huge rodent species found
This is not to be confused with the politicians in Washington.
It appears that that same day may fill up the chapter. Here’s another:
Don’t send in the clowns: A survey finds clowns are “universally disliked” by kids
Is that why Congress today has an approval rating of eleven percent?
A day later, this headline graced my PC screen: A new species of palm tree that flowers once every 100 years and then dies is discovered
It’s too bad that this characteristic couldn’t be passed on to telemarketers.
On January 21, 2008, you could see this educational tidbit in the news:
Food poisoning can cause long-term problems, scientists say
This assumes you survive past the short term. Were there any clinical tests used to arrive at this conclusion?
After returning from my trip – there’s more from that venture in the chapter on signs – I saw this headline on Wednesday, January 30, 2008:
Hen in Mexican village lays rare eggs with green shells
Could this be an example of environmental poultry?
Sunday, February 3, 2008 was the day that I saw this headline on yahoo.com:
Wind-power industry faces shortage of experienced technicians
Attention to Congress and the Administration: JOBS! JOBS! JOBS! – and high paying ones at that.
You could see this headline on that very same day: Clinton, Obama in dead heat ahead of big vote The groundhog just saw his shadow and we’re in the middle of winter, and you’re talking about heat!
A day later, I saw these words:
More Americans turning to Bible for financial advice
I hope they’re looking in the book of Wisdom. These people can’t be serious.
In keeping with this religious tone, there was another headline the very same day:
New ‘Virtue’ perfume is said to bring people closer to God
Wouldn’t they be better off with Calvin Klein’s Eternity?
Maybe I should write a book on these headlines, because I saw this one on February 5, 2008:
Clemens testifies to Congress about steroid use
I didn’t think Mark Twain used those things or they were even around. I didn’t know he was alive.
Another I saw that same day was:
Japan reportedly resumes whale hunt in Antarctic waters
Of course they’re looking for the missing whales. Did they ever stop to think that maybe over fishing has led to the scarcity?
On February 8, 2008, I saw these words on the Internet:
Signs your staff dislikes you
Detecting these signals from your employees might indicate you're a lousy boss.
Here are ten signs that tell you it’s time to fill out your resume:
10. There’s something ticking in your office and your
clock is in for repair.
9. You’re not included in the office Super Bowl pool. 8. You’re the only one who doesn’t get a cake for his
birthday.
7. More rope is delivered to the office than required by
the shipping department.
6. An order of tar and feathers arrives at your office. 5. One of your employees invites you to his ranch to go
quail hunting.
4. Your Christmas gift has white powder on it. 3. Someone gives you a cigar and recommends you not
light it until she leaves your office.
2. One day, the head of a dead horse appears on your
desk.
1. Your staff votes you the winner of two weeks vacation
to Iraq.
There were a few headlines the next day that I had to include here. The first was:
Magnitude 6.3 earthquake strikes northeast Nevada
Unfortunately, all the casinos are still standing.
The next one featured was:
Amazing ‘sailboat’ stadium
The proposed $450 million waterfront baseball
stadium would be like no other.
I assume this is to be built in San Francisco, because of the wind and close proximity to the bay. I hope the fans like sailing.
There was another – this seemed to be a banner day – that said:
Does the shape of your nose say anything about personality?
If it’s longer than four inches, you can run for political office or become a lawyer.
I really feel it’s time for a woman president, but I don’t believe it should be Hillary. By the time you read this, you’ll probably know if others felt the same way. On Friday, February 22, 2008, I saw a headline which I couldn’t leave out:
Hillary Clinton accuses Barack Obama of plagiarism as candidates trade jabs in Texas
Let me get this straight: She’s a senator and she’s running for president. When does she have time to be an English professor?
Another beauty that same day was:
White House defends McCain
No kidding! If I have to explain this one, you can stop reading now. I hope you paid for the book.
Saturday has headlines as well as the rest of the week. Here’s one from February 23, 2008:
Bank accidentally gives man $5 million
Are you still wondering why we had the savings and loan crisis as well as the more recent debacle with lending institutions? Chapter 8 is dedicated to similar brain tumors. It gets a lot worse.
These few words could be viewed on Tuesday, February 26, 2008, if you got your email from Yahoo:
8 careers that help lower your stress level
I didn’t read the article as I was too busy writing, but I thought of a few professions that could fit the bill. 8. Weighing trucks at a gravel pit
I actually had this job one summer during college and I read quite a few books.
7. Testing beds at the factory
6. Refrigerator salesman in the Antarctic
5. Journalist for a newspaper that only comes out once
a year
4. Ranger at a National Park with no roads leading into
it
3. Working two contracts at the same time; each
employer assumes you’re at the other job
2. Letter-turner on a game show with vowels and
consonants
1. One of those washing machine repairmen
Make sure it’s the right company. Obviously, to get one of these assignments, you’ll either have to know someone or pay someone off.
On March 4, 2008, I saw this question on the WEB just before logging on to get my email:
What’s the worst U.S. city for identity theft?
I don’t have time to go follow up for the answer, but would that be the Steal City?
A day later, when tracking some books that were on their way to California, I saw these words on the USPS web site:
The U. S. Postal Service and HBO invite you to customize and send a FREE JOHN ADAMS greeting card.
Won’t that confuse some people?
Study: Some men find housework has many rewards
They just have to do a great deal of searching to find where their spouse hid the money.
On Friday, March 7, 2008 – TGIF – I saw this headline:
Atlanta man builds high-tech robot to deter drug dealers
Wouldn’t it be cheaper to get a gun or just stay away from those areas?
Another the same day was:
British man aims to be oldest marathoner ever
Just from looking at his picture, if he keeps up the running, he won’t be.
Saturday, March 8, 2008 had a few examples of missing intelligence – maybe that’s why the country is in the state it is today. The first one was:
MIT tackles urban gridlock with foldable car idea
I think implementing and improving on mass transit could make more sense. What do you expect from this group of geniuses. Check out their idea of the clocky in wake up – it’s time for your sleeping pill, my 2008 book.
The next one may come as a shocker:
Bush to veto waterboarding bill
He probably thinks it has something to do with housing at sea. Does that come with meals?
Some people will do anything to save a few dollars on shipping, as this headline of that same day illustrates:
A black and white kitten survives crossing the Pacific in a shipping crate
I’m happy to see she made it across, though I’m sure she’d rather have gone to Disney World. I don’t think FedEx, the USPS or UPS are thrilled.
That beauty was accompanied by this piece: How to handle switch to daylight saving time The most important thing to do is set your clock ahead one hour, before you retire for the night. If somehow you forget, sometime on Sunday, you will be made aware of the missing
action. Somehow you will survive.This next headline could be found on Monday, March 10, 2008 and it had laughs written all over it:
Vatican lists ‘new sins’ for the modern age
Was there any mention of sins that were switched to another class, lessened in intensity, de-classified or taken off the original list?
Speaking of which, I’m not sure how long it’s necessary to wait on a headline about someone’s ill fate, but by the time this is published, it should be past the mourning period. For politicians, I don’t believe this delay applies, so I should be safe. This was predicted in my 2008 publication, I Don’t Want to be a Pirate – although not quite exactly the way it all played out. This late-breaking news was also on March 10:
NY governor linked to prostitution ring
A law enforcement official says New York governor Eliot Spitzer was caught on a federal wiretap. He is expected to resign.
Eliot was trying to help the economy – it needs all the stimulation it can get. Surprisingly, he’s not a Republican.
Another headline that same day may need some explaining for people who don’t live in Buffalo, Chicago or Milwaukee. These words could be found:
U.S. general: Al-Qaida in Iraq may be planning ‘large’ event
I know at the time of this news it was close to Easter, but I don’t think it’s a Dyngus Day Party.
The day after brought this headline:
Man’s technique sets record for most claps in one minute
Oh, that’s different. Never mind.
I didn’t read the full story, but these words were there that same day:
4 things to never say to the boss
As you can guess, these are my phrases.
1. Was that you last night with Eliot?
2. I picked up Monica’s dress from the dry cleaners. 3. I found your resume still in the copier.
4. Is this your stash?
This headline that same day was loaded:
Emotional Hall of Fame night
Madonna gets choked up during her speech; Justin
Timberlake disses his exes. She forgets to thank her family. Was she chewing on some chicken wings? Who has time to thank anyone when you’re just trying to breathe? He obviously didn’t read the story behind the headline above.
I hope I don’t have to explain this next one: ‘Ask a Ninja’ creators to remake cult hit ‘Killer Tomatoes’I thought that the myth about those fruit was debunked decades ago. Maybe, it’s a new hybrid that I haven’t heard about.
Baseball season is just around the corner, so this next headline isn’t that surprising:
Yankees sign actor Billy Crystal to play baseball
Either George is losing it or Billy’s running out of jokes.
They just keep coming, as these words illustrate:
If Spitzer quits, U.S. would have first blind governor
That may be true, but there was a deaf and dumb governor in the 1990s. Actually, he may not have been deaf.
What a day for headlines! Here’s another from March 11:
Arctic town awakens to sunlight for first time in five months
The bars ran out of beer a few nights before.
These words could also be found on March 12: Japan investigates iPod after Nano overheats, shoots out sparks
I thought that was a special new feature.
You may recall Woody Allen’s words about the lamb laying down with the lion. These words on the same day reminded me of that:
Shark is reintroduced to larger shark that tried to eat it
Unfortunately, there’s only one shark left. It wasn’t a good introduction and apparently the aggressor was still hungry.
March 13 may not be your lucky day if you follow this headline from that day in 2008:
How to grow your career in a recession
Won’t the grower be arrested and the weed in the fields be confiscated?
Another bit that same day connected to farming was: Is corn to blame for America’s obesity epidemic? I think duct tape is to blame. We need more of it to apply to people’s mouths so they’ll stop eating.
I wasn’t going to include this next headline of the same day, but it appears the laws of science have been changed without my knowledge:
Eat more and weigh less
A diet that lets you eat more and weigh less
More likely, you’re not allowed to swallow.
I couldn’t leave this one out:
Explaining Spitzer scandal to children proving tricky for parents
That one word starting with “t” probably won’t make it any easier.
Survey: Recession is here
Most economists surveyed by the Wall Street Journal see bad news.
Did these guys just wake up?
Here’s another on that unlucky day:
Monitors fail to stop patients from waking during surgery
In some respect, that’s not all bad news. They’ll just have to increase the dosage.
On Friday, March 14, 2008, you could find this headline on the Internet:
Sand dollars clone themselves when in danger, studies find
Unfortunately, with inflation, there’s still going to be a shortage of cash.
A day later, these words appeared:
As more countries launch spacecraft, some warn of traffic jam
Won’t that create more jobs for air traffic controllers?
Monday, April 21, 2008 brought this headline: South Korean astronaut describes frightening return to Earth
I can’t say I blame him.
There was another news note that same day: Hamas is willing to accept Israel as its neighbor, Carter says
But not its nuclear plant or any landfills.
The next one on the same day I had to include because it really fits in with people not using their heads. It is from a poll:
Voters more worried about economy than Iraq I may be wrong, but perhaps the last five years of the Iraq quagmire has something to do with the economy. I hope people wake up in time to vote in November.
Just before logging on to check my email on October 15, 2007, I saw the following on Yahoo:
Ouch! Do-it-yourself dentistry
The falling number of dentists in England leads to people extracting their own teeth. » Superglue used too
You have all the tools at home; you can save some money and probably won’t have to worry about retirement.
It was a good day for headlines because on that same day, I saw this gem:
Maritime pirate attacks increase worldwide
It is their month, isn’t it?
On Thursday, October 18, 2007, I caught these words on Yahoo.com:
A study shows that swearing can improve the office vibe
Is that a &%$#@ good thing? I’m glad I’m not in that office.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007 brought these words on the Internet:
Lose weight on lunch break
The secret is the Joey Falco diet plan – it’s called duct tape. You put it over your mouth so you won’t stuff it with food.
On the last weekend in October 2007, I saw this headline a few times:
Some cavemen had red hair
Apparently Carrot Top and the Wendy’s girl go back quite a ways.
On Thursday, October 11, 2007, I saw this headline before logging on to check my email:
Researchers create glue based on toe pads of tree frogs
I bet one of the frogs was named Elmer.
On the morning of November 13, 2007, I happened to come upon this gem:
Expert says ninety percent of Earth’s species still unclassified
I didn’t think the percentage of lawyers and telemarketers was that high.
Two days later, I saw these words as things to avoid during job interviews:
If you’re aiming to make a good impression in a job interview, don’t sing
Apparently, it’s okay to dance – just not like Elaine on Seinfeld.
I saw this headline on November 7, 2007: