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Unmarked police car

Hang up and drive I’m marching to a different accordion

Don’t believe everything you think
It’s clear that our technology has surpassed our humanity
Oh, no – not another learning experience
It’s a scientific fact: scum always rise to the top You don’t even have to make soup to see it.

If you can’t operate your turn
signals, what makes you think
you can operate the rest of the car?

It’s really a challenge when one hand is applying make-up and the other is holding the cell phone. You need to train the free foot.

Jesus called; He wants
His religion back
Unfortunately, the message got lost. Email wouldn’t have been any better.

Our national health plan:
don’t get sick
It’s ironic that this thought is serious while the health care system doesn’t provide for preventive care.

Stop repeat offenders: don’t re-elect them If we don’t change directions, we’ll wind up where we’re going
Isn’t it strange that in the Age of Information the truth is so hard to find?
Don’t believe anything until it is officially denied
I think, therefore I don’t listen to Rush Limbaugh That type of radio is just that – talk and no action.
Evolution is just a theory – kind of like gravity!
January 20, 2009: The end of an error
If we don’t protect freedom of speech, how will we know who the iceholes are?
I changed this one slightly to protect little children.
America needs an oil change
Was Columbus a terrorist
or an illegal alien?
Didn’t someone not that long ago give us only two choices?

Staying with that same thought, you may not find this one on the back of a car, but I like it anyway.
The opposite of good
is not evil, but apathy

The next dozen or so are not bumper stickers either, but will be before long.
Minimum wage for politicians
Ask me about the conspiracy
Until lions write books, history will always glorify the hunter
Jesus never rode an elephant
My boxer is smarter than your honor student
The rapture is not an exit strategy
Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges
Why does your vision of freedom look like a police state?
Why are so many pro-lifers for the death penalty?
It’s as bad as you think and they’re out to get you
We’ve got to get back to the garden

A woman’s place is in the House, Senate and Oval Office Concerned about CO₂? You’re getting warmer.

Justice not just US
Had enough yet?

I believe this next one is a bumper sticker. I used up all my sick days,
so I called in dead

Chances are this person’s boss said, “I hope you feel better tomorrow. Take an extra day if you need it.”
Having turned 65 in September 2007, it appears as though these bumper stickers may be for me.
I asked my wife if old men wear boxers or briefs. She said Depends.
The only trouble with retirement . . . you never get a dam day off. Is this in reference to Hoover or Boulder?
Goodbye tension. Hello pension.
That snap crackle pop in the morning ain’t my freaking Rice Krispies.
You know you’re getting old when you throw a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
I always invite my neighbors.
Sometimes I wake up Grumpy . . . and some days I let him sleep. What about Dopey?
Senior Campbell’s – New large type alphabet soup I have to be able to spell now, too?
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about our age.
And hang out with really old people.
I must be getting older – all the names in my phone book end with M. D.
At least the person saying this isn’t DOA.
Be nice to your children. They will choose your nursing home.
One good thing about Alzheimers: you get to meet new people every day.
I’m not sure if this was included before.
Support Bingo – keep grandma off the streets.
When did my wild oats turn to fruit and bran? You’re the one who wanted the fiber.
Insufficient memory at this time Upgrading your PC probably won’t help.
One good thing about Alzheimers: you can hide your own Easter eggs. Once you found them, I wouldn’t advise eating them.

 

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

In for seeing eye dogs only, I asked the question, “Why is material put on ships called cargo while stuff that gets placed on highway vehicles are called shipments?” I think I found the answer: The car just won’t go and the ship is meant for cruises.

6. Look to the children

I’m sure you’ve been at musical performances that began quite late. I was at a Gregg Allman concert in Syracuse in the mid 1980s that was scheduled to start at 10:30, but he didn’t appear on stage until 11:30. The show was good, but it was on a weeknight. I probably should have arranged in advance to have the next day off from work.

On May 15, 1971, my friends and I were fortunate to be at the Auditorium Theatre in Rochester, New York for a midnight Chuck Mangione happening, Together. It featured the renowned musician with his brother Gap, Bat McGrath, Don Potter, Esther Satterfield and the Rochester Philharmonic Orchestra. One of the numbers we heard that night was Look to the Children, a beautiful duet with Esther and Don that was enhanced by a great solo by trumpeter, Al Porcino. Part of the lyrics of the song was, “Look to the children – they know more than we.”

In each of my two previous books on temporary brain abandonments, I have an entire chapter on “Young intelligence,” since our youth come up with some gems. They certainly bring a great deal of laughter to all of us and Art Linkletter confirmed that when he used the phrase, “Kids say the darndest things!” Of course, they are to be excused because they are learning. Nonetheless, if you compare what they say to what comes forth from the mouth of politicians and businessmen, you have to agree, the former know more.

Three Little Pigs
This story proves just how fascinating the mind of a six-year old is. They think so logically. A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. The pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: “Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?”
The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think the man said?”
One little boy raised his hand and said very matterof-factly, “I think the man would have said, ‘Well, I’ll be damned - a talking pig!’”
The teacher had to leave the room.

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked Little Davie. “Giving up?”

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up.”

After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Davie?”
“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
I hope he brought an apple for the teacher – without a worm inside.

The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, “Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

Little Davie quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!”
Perhaps that applies to your cable, but not mine.

Little Davie’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”
Little Davie asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”

Davie, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”

Reese: “Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.”
This interpretation probably came after Reese sang, “Hark, the Harold Angels Sing.”

A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.” He must have heard about the neo-Conservatives.

One particular four-year-old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
I hope they plan to recycle.

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
Let us pray that these snoring individuals don’t include the ushers.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”
But I can’t walk on water!

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

“Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God

throw him back down?”
The following comes from the minds of children regarding the explanation of God.

One of God’s main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn’t make grownups, just babies I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn’t have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

God’s second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn’t have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere, which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn’t go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad’s head asking for something they said you couldn’t have.

Atheists are people who don’t believe in God. I don’t think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren’t any who come to our church.

Jesus is God’s Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn’t want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him. But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told his father that they didn’t know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.

His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn’t have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.

You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there’s anybody you want to make happy, it’s God!

Don’t skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn’t come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don’t believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can’t go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He’s around you when you’re scared, in the dark or when you can’t swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.

These are some letters that Ann Landers printed concerning interpretations about words in the Lord’s Prayer and a few other misconceptions.

When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, “Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses.”
I’m not sure of the origin of this letter, but it’s probably from Philadelphia, although they forgot about the cheese.

From San Francisco comes this: When I was a child, I learned this prayer as “Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name.” I always thought that was God’s real name.
It’s George, not Howard. Apparently this person never saw the movie, Oh, God.

A writer from Groton, Massachusetts sends this: My mother spent her early childhood saying, “Hail Mary, full of grapes.”
This must have been after her son turned the water into wine.

This comes from Missoula, Montana. My son, who is in nursery school, said, “Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?”
He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so what did you expect? Oh, no, that’s another guy.

A resident of Uniontown, Ohio sent: I remember thinking this prayer was “Give us this day our jelly bread.” That’s a great deal healthier than butter or margarine.

Someone from Covina, California offers this thought. I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, “I led the pigeons to the flag.”
These pigeons are obviously with the president.

Cleveland, Ohio was the source of this feeling. When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: “I pledge allegiance to the flag and to the republic for Richard Stands.”
I think the confusion resulted because Richard actually stands during this ritual.

A citizen of another city that I resided in for a short time – Tampa, Florida – sent this: When my husband was six years old, he thought a certain prayer was, “He suffered under a bunch of violets.” Of course, the real words were “under Pontius Pilate,” but at that age, he didn’t know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.
Personally, I’d rather have a Baby Ruth, but not in church.

My home state of New York sent this one from Schenectady: I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was, “Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear.”
I never got that close to notice.

When I was a little girl, we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was, “And the rains came down, and the floods came up.” We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, “And the rains came down, and the spuds came up.” – Lake Forest Park, Washington
I would have thought someone from Idaho would have sent this. Oh well, it’s only one state over.

Someone from Oak Harbor, Washington sent this: When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, “What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?”

Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn’t say, “Be quiet until you get to your seat.”
So that was the translation from the Latin.

When I was younger, I believed the line was, “Lead a snot into temptation.” I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble. – Grand Junction, Colorado I think this was only uttered during flu season.

I close the chapter with a contribution of my classmate Tom Gworek via email.

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil contributes to this tale. You don’t even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day, her teacher – a nun, as you might expect – called on her while she was sleeping.

“Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?”
When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Mary Margaret.
The nun said, “Very good,” and continued teaching her class.
A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, “Who is Our Lord and Savior?”
But Mary didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
“Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The nun once again said, “Very good,” and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The nun asked her a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The nun fainted!
I can’t top that!

7. Useless facts

I believe the majority of what follows was emailed to me. In general, these so-called facts – I plan to write a book soon about just that issue, truth – aren’t that funny but you might learn something. That assumes that they’re nothing more than el toro crappo. As you can guess, they need spicing up, so I added a few thoughts.

The real reason ostriches stick their heads in the sand is to search for water.
Unfortunately there are a lot of people who aren’t much different in appearance but they aren’t searching for any liquid.

The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
What about the orangutan with the mirror?

In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. At least the drinker need not worry about the fat in the drink, but I wouldn’t do the commercial.

The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
You won’t believe what was used for an exhaust pipe.

American car horns beep in the tone of F.
That’s the first letter of a word that represents a hand signal used by road ragers.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Does this imply that dead people burn more calories than anyone watching the tube?

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. I’m not getting on that donkey.
One in every four Americans has appeared on television. I hate to say what most of them have made of themselves.

A Boeing 747’s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.
This sounds like a comparison of apples and oranges – whoever came up with this should be congratulated for making it into this book. That’s nothing to be proud of.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. No wonder I keep losing my balance.

The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.
That may also be the IQ of those who compiled some of these useless facts.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. Uglets is the name for some of the vehicles on the highway today.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Who said there’s no justice in the world?

Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. I’m sure you really care.
Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California. It won’t be after the Big One!
Grabatology is the collecting of ties. You can have mine – send me your address.

Adolf Hitler’s mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
What a difference one decision can make.

The shortest poem in the world is, “Fleas.”
I’m not into poetry – now you know why – although I have been called a poet.

Conception occurs more often in December than any other month.
I can vouch for that.

In 1982, Englishman William Hall committed suicide by drilling holes into his head with a power drill – it took eight holes.
That would be nowhere near enough to kill a lawyer.

There is no single word given to describe the back of the knee.
I’ll come up with one before I finish this book.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin zoo. Until recently, that was the largest case of collateral damage.

On average, one hundred people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
Thank God, I’m writing this on my PC.

In ten minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world’s nuclear weapons combined.
I still prefer the hurricane, as long as I’m not nearby.

Elephants can’t jump. Every other mammal can. Does someone plan on drafting the former for the NBA?

Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.
What about cappuccino?

There are coffee-flavored PEZ. What about donkey doo-doo?

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
The truth is he has longer to get his parachute open.

The Atlantic Ocean is saltier then the Pacific Ocean. That explains why my cholesterol is so high.
In medieval England, beer was often served with breakfast. If you tasted their food in general, you’d realize why.

The right lung takes in more air then the left.
I think this has something to do with Democrats and Republicans.

At ninety degrees below zero Fahrenheit, your breath will freeze in midair and fall to the ground.
If you’re outside at that temperature, you deserve it.

Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas, but only female mosquitoes bite.
What will bite me if I eat plantains?

Seven percent of Americans will eat McDonalds today. I don’t call that eating.

There are more stars in the universe than grains of sand on all the beaches in the world.
This counting thing sounds like a job my former boss would have given me.

Every day more money is printed for monopoly than for the US Treasury.
It’s worth more, too.

Polar bears are left-handed.
However, most of them bat right-handed.

The world’s youngest parents were eight and nine and lived in China.
They were grandparents even as teenagers.

The youngest pope was eleven years old.
He married the Chinese couple above. No one else would.
Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving. Where did they find the microwave?

Scientists say the average person eats about two pounds of bugs a year. That’s mostly because insects accidentally get ground up in foods like peanut butter, strawberry jelly, and spaghetti sauce. They won’t hurt you since they’re actually full of protein.
There aren’t any recipes for barbequed bug in my cookbook.

If an insect flies in your ear, shine a light in your ear, chances are it will crawl or fly back out.
I rely on the wax to finish him.

According to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg.
He obviously never came out of his shell.

While performing her duties as queen, Cleopatra sometimes wore a fake beard.
Apparently, there were other times when it wasn’t fake.

It takes three thousand cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.
They’re still called pigskins – beam me up, Scotty.