IT WAS THE DOG! IT WAS THE DOG! I'm not that bad honest!
My dog is scared of thunderstorms. It had gone and hidden in the bloody wardrobe whilst I was out and in the process had scrabbled around and turfed out my secret box of goodies from the bottom. After the storm had passed he thought it would be a really good idea to get on the bed and chew the end off my 'big boy' vibrator, play fetch with the love eggs and then help himself to the f***ing chocolate body paint.
Isn't it amazing what you can learn when you listen. Beware all my Fruitloopmum fans, someone just like me could be a secret eavesdropper and writing all sort of untruths about you right at this very minute :) !
PS. Names in scene 1 have been changed to protect the guilty upper classes!