CHAPTER FIVE
–CHINESE: BU SHI –
Mr Fred Nurk
Your letter brings shame on the honourable peoples of China and shame on you too.
So began the letter from the first printing company from China.
Fred was taken aback.
He read on.
How dare you accuse our toilets of being dirty.
I think you are a dirty person for writing these words.
You say that your toilets in England are better than toilets in China. How do you know that? Have you ever been to China? I don’t think so Mr Nurk.
And what do you mean by Chinese toilets “leave a little to be desired”?
Toilets in China are much desired and every home has one. Even in the countryside.
So it is clear that you know nothing about toilets in China.
You are disgrace Mr Nurk and your thoughtless words are embarrassment.
You dishonour we Chinese and you dishonour yourself.
Your project is therefore not sensible.
We are not interested in it or you Mr Nurk.
So our answer is very firm Bu Shi.
The letter was signed by someone called Shi Tiu who claimed to be the company’s Business Project Examination Division Assistant General Collaboration Secretary (Global).
Fred mentally inserted the initials after Mr or Mrs Tiu’s name. BPEDAGCSG. Nothing concise about the Chinese when it came to titles and such.
Fred again read the last line.
So our answer is very firm Bu Shi.
It looked to him like Mr or Mrs Tiu was describing his project as bullshit, meant to be insulting no doubt but actually in the circumstances a reasonably clever play on words.
Had he been more au fait with the Chinese Mandarin dialect he would have realised Bu Shi simply meant No.
Letters from each of the other two Beijing and Guangzhou companies that followed were similar in their condemnation of Fred and his proposal.
“So,” said his girlfriend after he had received all the responses from the Chinese companies, “you’re not going to go to China then?”
Fred had not read the letters to her or explained precisely how they had viewed him and his project. Rather he had made up some story about the world and Chinese economies being in a mess and therefore the printing companies had decided to concentrate on local business and not risk over-reaching internationally.
“No,” he answered. “So you can unpack that bag I saw under the bed last night.”
His girlfriend walked out of the room. Then she stuck her head around the corner. “Have you heard back from Japan yet?”
“You’re not going to Japan either. No matter what they say.”
And that was how that conversation ended.
The only Japanese company that replied to Fred the very next day was more agreeable, though it did make a point of suggesting that he try not to characterise Japanese men and women as it was obvious he had never visited the country and the only references to Japanese toilet habits had clearly come either from hearsay or from ill informed comments on the web.
Wikipedea, the free encyclopaedia, was suggested as the source. Fred grimaced when he read that. Wikipedea had indeed been his source but he now had a company that agreed, at least in principle, to print his toilet rolls.
Their suggestion was that offset printing would be the best route and they explained very briefly why. Offset printing machines, they pointed out, are not designed for small printing runs. They added that while the machines offer fast page printing the time required for setup and adjustment makes them uneconomical for smaller jobs. Given the volume that they and Fred anticipated, and as the minimum lot size for an offset print job is typically of several thousand copies, offset would be fine.
But in case Fred was thinking of opting for a digital on-demand system instead, the company maintained that they are ideal for runs of several hundred copies and have numerous other advantages over offset machinery. Of course on-demand printing is available both in monochrome and colour but the difference was hundreds compared with thousands and it was the latter that Fred and his new partner company expected.
“Can we go to Japan?” his girlfriend whined when she heard the news. “Please? Please can we go to Japan?”
“We don’t have to,” Fred answered. “The printing is all going to be handled at that end as well as the marketing there, but I’m going to be doing it all here.”
“So, won’t you still have to go there? To check the machines or something?”
“Don’t be stupid. What would I know about the machines that they don’t? It’s their business.”
“To examine the tissues then? Surely you will have to do that?”
“They’ll send me proofs, samples before they go ahead and print.”
“Doesn’t sound very professional to me,” said his girlfriend in a challenging tone. “I thought you’d be more professional about this.”
Fred replied more firmly: “You didn’t want any part of it. You reckoned I was foolish to even come up with the idea.”
“Well, that was before you explained it to me.”
“Rubbish. All you want is a free ride to Tokyo so you can spend more of my money buying stuff that you don’t need anyway.”
“What if I do?” his girlfriend pouted. “If you loved me you’d do it.”
Fred knew that if he continued the conversation it would lead to an argument and that would lead to sulking which would create an atmosphere that was too unpleasant. So he simply said: “We’re not going. Finished.”
What he had not told her was the profit sharing suggestion by the company. The letter went into some detail which briefly could be summarised as:
The idea was Fred’s.
The printing was the responsibility of the company (this would be both in English and Japanese).
The marketing in Japan would be down to the printing company or whoever they signed on with as a partner.
Fred would be responsible for that side of things in the UK.
As for the rest of the world, should that ever be necessary, the company would own the rights for Asia whereas Fred could have the rest of the world.
If these arrangements were acceptable the company suggested a 75/25 share of the profits with the company being the major beneficiary.
At first Fred considered the margins hugely unfair. After all it was his idea. But the more he thought about it the more prepared he was to go along with it, mainly because the Japanese company was prepared to absorb the costs of design and printing. In other words Fred would not have to come up with any of the start-up money. None of it. He would just reap the rewards.
Yes, he would be prepared to accept the offer and would write back to the company straightaway so that they could each get the ball rolling. For him that meant securing books for publishing.