Dear Willie,
Our new postman is gay and totally ignores me when I open the door to him in the morning wearing a revealing negligee. I used to stop our old one in his tracks and once nearly caused him a heart attack, which might have contributed to his early retirement. How can I have the post office supply me with a heterosexual postman that I can mercilessly tease?
Wendy, Brisbane
Dear Wendy,
Sad to say it is not your postman who is gay, but you who are getting old. You no longer have the nubile young body which could bring a mailman to his knees, and you must learn to accept this. Try instead, to seduce him with tea and cream buns.
Willie