When Your
Parent
Has Cancer
A Guide for Teens
National Cancer Institute
U.S. DEPARTMENT
OF HEALTH AND
HUMAN SERVICES
National Institutes
of Health
This booklet is
for you
If your mom, dad, or an adult
close to you has cancer, this
booklet is for you.
Here you can read about what
has helped other teens get
through this tough time.
Doctors, nurses, social
workers, friends, and family
are working hard to help your
mom or dad get better.
You are a very important part
of that team, too.
In the weeks and months ahead,
Get free copies of
you may feel a whole range of
this booklet from
emotions. Some days will be good,
our Web site:
and things might seem like they
used to. Other days may be harder.
This booklet can help prepare you
or by calling
for some of the things you might
NCI’s Cancer
face. It can also help you learn
Information Service
to handle living with a parent or
at 1-800-4-CANCER
relative who has cancer.
(1-800-422-6237).
Acknowledgments
We would like to thank the many teens, health care providers, and scientists who helped to develop and review this booklet.
How to use this booklet
You may want to read this booklet cover to cover. Or maybe you’ll just read those sections that interest you most. Some teens pull the booklet out now and again when they need it.
You may want to share this booklet with your mom, dad, brothers, and sisters. It might help you bring up something that has been on your mind. You could ask people in your family to read a certain chapter and then talk about it together later.
We’ve put words that may be new to you in bold. Turn to the glossary at the back of this booklet for their definitions.
HERE MOM—
TAKE A LOOK
LET’S
AT THIS.
SEE.
Wherever you go,
go with all your heart.
—Confucius
Table of contents
HOW ABOUT SOME COMPANY?
SOMETIMES
I FEEL LIKE THERE
LET’S TALK
MUST BE SOMETHING
ABOUT IT.
WRONG WITH ME.
However long the night,
the dawn will break. —African proverb
Chapter 1
You’ve just learned that your
parent has cancer
You’ve just learned
that one of the most
“I knew something was wrong
important people in
the minute I walked in the
your life has cancer.
kitchen. My mom was so quiet
Do you feel shocked,
Then Mom told me she has
.
numb, angry, or afraid?
cancer
. I felt like I was going to
Do you feel like life is
faint. I could barely hold the
unfair? One thing is
tears back. I felt so scared. I
certain—you don’t
ran to my room and just sat on
feel good.
the bed for the longest time. I
called my best friend and kind
of lost it
. —Sarah, age 16
For now,
try to focus
on these facts:
Many people survive cancer. There are about 12 million cancer survivors living in the U.S. today. That’s because scientists are discovering new and better ways to find and treat cancer. During this really tough time, it will help you to have hope.
You’re not alone. Right now it might seem that no one else in the world feels the way you do. In a way you’re right.
No one can feel exactly like you do. But it might help to know that many teens have a parent who has cancer.
Talking to others may help you sort out your feelings.
Remember, you are not alone.
1
You’re not to blame. Cancer is a disease with various causes, many of which doctors don’t fully understand. None of these causes has anything to do with what you’ve done, thought, or said.
Balance is important. Many teens feel like their parent’s cancer is always on their mind. Others try to avoid it. Try to strike a balance. You can be concerned about your parent and still stay connected with people and activities that you care about.
Knowledge is power. It can help to learn more about cancer and cancer treatments. Sometimes what you imagine is actually worse than the reality.
“I used to be a real easygoing,
happy person. Since my dad
got cancer I started blowing up
over little things. My counselor
at school got me in a group of
kids who have a mom or dad
with cancer. Meeting with kids
who are going through the
same thing helps a lot.”
—Aaron, age 14
2
Your feelings
As you deal with your parent’s cancer, you’ll probably feel all kinds of things. Many other teens who have a parent with cancer have felt the same way you do now. Some of these emotions are listed below. Think about people you can talk with about your feelings.
Check off the feelings
you have:
■■My world is falling apart.
■■I’m afraid that my parent might die.
■■I’m afraid that someone else in my family might catch scared
cancer. (They can’t.)
■■I’m afraid that something might happen to my parent at home, and I won’t know what to do.
It’s normal to feel scared when your parent has cancer. Some of your fears may be real. Others may be based on things that won’t happen. And some fears may lessen over time.
■■I feel guilty because I’m healthy and my parent is sick.
guilty ■■I feel guilty when I laugh and have fun.
You may feel bad about having fun when your parent is sick. However, having fun doesn’t mean that you care any less. In fact, it will probably help your parent to see you doing things you enjoy.
3
■■I am mad that my mom or dad got sick.
■■I am upset at the doctors.
■■I am angry at God for letting
angry
this happen.
■■I am angry at myself for feeling
the way I do.
Anger often covers up other feelings that are harder to show.
Try not to let your anger build up.
■■I feel left out.
■■I don’t get any attention.
■■No one ever tells me what’s going on.
neglected ■■My family never talks anymore.
When a parent has cancer, it’s common for the family’s focus to change. Some people in the family may feel left out. Your parent with cancer may be using his or her energy to get better. Your well parent may be focused on helping your parent with cancer.
Your parents don’t mean for you to feel left out. It just happens because so much is going on.
When you come to the end of your rope,
4
■■No one understands what I’m going through.
■■My friends don’t come over anymore.
lonely ■■My friends don’t seem to know
what to say to me anymore.
We look at some things you can do to help
situations with friends in Chapter 8: You
and Your Friends. For now, try to remember that these feelings won’t last forever.
■■I’m sometimes embarrassed to be out in public with my sick parent.
■■I don’t know how to answer people’s questions.
embarrassed Many teens who feel embarrassed about having a parent with cancer say it gets easier to deal with over time.
What you’re feeling is normal
There is no one “right” way to feel. And you’re not alone—many other teens in your situation have felt the same way. Some have said that having a parent with cancer changes the way they look at things in life. Some even said that it made them stronger.
tie a knot and hang on. —Franklin D. Roosevelt 5
Dealing with your feelings
A lot of people are uncomfortable sharing their feelings. They ignore them and hope they’ll go away. Other people choose to act cheerful when they’re really not. They think that by acting upbeat they won’t feel sad or angry anymore. This may help for a little while, but not over the long run. Actually, holding your feelings inside can keep you from getting the help you need.
Try these tips:
Talk with family and friends who you feel close to.
You owe it to yourself.
Write down your thoughts in a journal.
Join a support group to talk with other teens who are facing some of the same things you are. Or meet with a counselor. We’ll learn more about these ideas in Chapter 7: Finding support.
It is probably hard to imagine right now, but, if you let yourself, you can grow stronger as a person through this experience.
“Sometimes what
helped me the most
was to run or
kickbox until
I was exhausted.”
—Jed, age 16
6
Does this sound like you?
?
Many kids think that they need to protect their parents by not making them worry. They think that they have to be perfect and not cause any trouble because one of their parents is sick. If you feel this way, remember that no one can be perfect all the time. You need time to vent, to feel sad, and to be happy. Try to let your parents know how you feel—even if you have to start the conversation.
“I just kept telling myself
that I was going to let
this experience make me—
not break me.”
—Lydia, age 16
7
“After Dad got cancer, my big sister always
seemed to be making excuses to get out of the
house. One day, I just told her off. Instead of getting mad, she started crying. She said she
couldn’t stand seeing Dad hurting. I told her I felt the same way. Now we talk more and keep
each other going. It’s good.” —Jamie, age 13
Experience is what you get
by not having it
when you need it.
—Anonymous
8
Chapter 2
Learning about cancer
Learning about
cancer will help you
“When Dad told me he had cancer,
understand what
I got really scared. Everything
your parent is going
I’d always heard about cancer
through. Knowing
was just terrible. Then I thought,
more about cancer
‘Hey, what do I really know about
and how it’s treated
cancer?’ The answer was, ‘Not
can take some of the
much.’ So I started reading books
fear away. Some of
and stuff on the Internet. My dad
what you have seen
even told me that some of what I
or heard about cancer
found on the Web wasn’t right for
may not apply to your
the kind of cancer he has. Cancer is
parent. Most people
still pretty scary, but I’ve learned
feel better when they
that people survive it. I’m not so
know what to expect.
afraid anymore.” —Abdul, age 14
Here are a few things to remember:
Nothing you did, thought, or said caused your
parent to get cancer.
You can’t catch cancer from another person.
Scientists are discovering new and better ways to find and treat cancer.
Many people survive cancer.
9
What is cancer?
Doctors have found more than 100 different types of cancer.
Cancer is a group of many related diseases that begin in cells, the body’s basic unit of life. To understand cancer, it’s helpful to know what happens when normal cells become cancer cells.
Normally, cells grow and divide to make more cells only when the body needs them. This orderly process helps keep the body healthy. Sometimes, however, cells keep dividing when new cells aren’t needed. These extra cells form a mass of tissue called a growth, or tumor. Tumors can be benign or malignant. Some cancers do not form a tumor. For example, leukemia is a cancer of the bone marrow and blood.
Benign tumors aren’t cancer. They can often be removed and don’t spread to other parts of the body.
Malignant tumors are cancer. Cells in these tumors are abnormal and divide and grow without control or order. They can invade and damage nearby tissues and also spread to organs in other parts of the body. The spread of cancer from one part of the body to another is called metastasis.
ABNORMAL CELLS
NORMAL CELLS
10
Most cancers are named for the organ or type of cell in which they begin. For example, cancer that begins in the lung is called lung cancer.
Why do people get cancer?
The causes of most cancers are not known. Scientists are still learning about things that may put people at a higher risk for certain types of cancer. Risk factors for cancer include age, a family history of certain cancers, use of tobacco products, being exposed to radiation or certain chemicals, infection with certain viruses or bacteria, and certain genetic changes.
Although no one can tell the future, it is good to keep in mind that most cancers are not passed down from parent to child.
That is, they are not inherited. However, a family history of cancer can sometimes be a risk factor. It may help to talk with your parent or a doctor to learn more about the kind of cancer that your parent has.
Can doctors cure cancer?
Every year scientists discover better ways to treat cancer. That means many people are successfully treated for cancer. However, doctors are careful not to use the word “cure” until a patient remains free of cancer for several years. Cancer treatment may cause a remission, which means that the doctor can’t find signs of cancer. But sometimes the cancer comes back. This is called a relapse or recurrence. Whether your parent can be cured of cancer depends on many things, and no booklet can tell you exactly what to expect. It is best to talk with your parent and his or her doctor or nurse.
11
Where to go for more information
To learn more and get answers to your questions,
?
you can contact NCI through its:
Phone .................. 1-800-4-CANCER (1-800-422-6237) Web site ............... www.cancer.gov or
Chat online ........... livehelp.cancer.gov
(NCI’s instant messaging service)
E-mail ................. cancergovstaff@mail.nih.gov
Order publications at www.cancer.gov/publications
or by calling 1-800-4-CANCER.
All of our services are free and confidential.
Courage is the first of human qualities
because it is the quality which
guarantees the others.
—Aristotle
12
Chapter 3
Cancer treatment
Many teens want to know
what to expect during their
parent’s cancer treatment.
“Seeing my dad in pain
This chapter briefly explains
was the worst. One day
different treatments, how
I just told him how bad
they work, and their side
I felt for him. He said
effects. You will probably
that he actually looked
have more questions after
a lot worse than he
reading this chapter. It may
felt. I know he’s having
help to talk with your parents
a hard time, but knowing
or ask if you can talk with a
he doesn’t hurt as much
nurse or social worker.
as I thought he did made
me feel a lot better.”
—Ashley, age 15
How does
treatment work?
Cancer treatment aims to destroy cancer cells or stop them from growing. The type of treatment your parent will be given depends on: The type of cancer
Whether the cancer has spread
Your parent’s age and general health
Your parent’s medical history
Whether the cancer is newly diagnosed or is a recurrence Remember that there are more than 100 different types of cancer. Each type is treated differently. For information about the people who will be treating your parent, see Chart A:
Cancer team members in the back of this booklet.
13
What are treatment side effects?
Cancer treatments destroy cancer cells, but they may also harm healthy tissues or organs in the process. This harm, or problem, is called a side effect. Some side effects, like feeling sick to the stomach, go away shortly after treatment, but others, like feeling tired, may last for a while after treatment has ended. Some people have few side effects from cancer treatment, while others have more.
Side effects vary from person to person, even among people who are receiving the same treatment. Your parent’s doctor will explain what side effects your parent may have, and how to manage them.
Write down what treatment your mom or dad will get: __________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
__________________