ina
ll
ll
y hurt.
y, I wrote a note t
families grow closer
And they under
o them.
say that it happened
stood! I f
to m
eel closer
because people in
y parents now.” —Lisa, age 15
their family:
Tried to put themselves in the
other person’s shoes and thought about how they would feel if they were the other person.
Understood that even though people reacted differently to situations, they were all hurting. Some cried a lot. Others showed little emotion. Some used humor to get by.
Learned to respect and talk about differences. The more they asked about how others were feeling, the more they could help each other.
27
Asking others for help
You and your family may need support from others. It can be hard to ask. Yet most of the time people really want to help you and your family.
People who your mom, dad, or you may ask for help: Aunts, uncles, and grandparents
Family friends
Neighbors
Teachers or coaches
School nurses or guidance counselors
People from your religious community
Your friends or their parents
(Add your own) ___________________________________
Things people can do to help:
Go grocery shopping or run errands
Make meals
28
Mow the lawn
Do chores around the house
Keep your parent company
(Add your own) ___________________________________
Other ways people can help you and your family: Give rides to school, practice, or appointments Help with homework
Invite you over for a meal or a day trip
Talk with and listen to you
(Add your own) ___________________________________
Your relationship with your parents
Your mom or dad may ask you to take on more responsibility than other kids your age. You might resent it at first. Then again, you may learn a lot from the experience and grow to appreciate the trust your parents have in you. See Chapter 7: Finding support
for tips on talking with your parents.
29
“I never used to get sick before Mom
got cancer. But then I started getting
headaches. My stomach hurt all the time,
too. I started wondering if something was
wrong with me. I talked to a nurse, and
she said that stress can cause a lot of
that stuff. She gave me some great advice
and said I could talk with her whenever I
wanted to. Slowly, I’m feeling better.” —
Kira, age 15
SOMETIMES
I FEEL LIKE THERE
LET’S TALK
MUST BE SOMETHING
ABOUT IT.
WRONG WITH ME.
30
Chapter 6
Taking care of yourself
It’s important to “stay fit”—both inside and out. This chapter offers tips to help you keep on track during this experience.
Dealing with stress
Stress can make you forgetful, frustrated, and more likely to catch a cold or the flu. Here are some tips that have helped other teens manage stress. Check one or two things to do each week.
Take care of your mind and body
Stay connected.
■
■ Spend some time at a friend’s house.
■
■ Stay involved with sports or clubs.
Relax and get enough sleep.
■
■ Take breaks. You’ll have more energy and be in a better frame of mind.
■
■ Get at least 8 hours of sleep each night.
■
■ Pray or meditate.
■
■ Make or listen to music.
Help others.
■
■ Join a walk against cancer.
■
■ Plan a bake sale or other charity event to raise money to fight cancer.
31
Avoid risky behaviors.
■
■ Stay away from smoking, drinking, and taking drugs.
Put your creative side to work.
■
■ Keep a journal to write down your thoughts and experiences.
■
■ Draw, paint, or take photographs.
■
■ Read biographies to learn what helped others make it through challenging times.
Eat and drink well.
■
■ Drink plenty of water each day.
■
■ In the evening, switch to caffeine-free drinks that won’t keep you awake.
■
■ Grab fresh fruit, whole-grain breads, and lean meats like chicken or turkey when you have a choice.
■
■ Avoid sugary foods.
32
Be active.
■
■ Play a sport, or go for a walk or run.
■
■ Learn about different stretching and breathing exercises.
Did you know?
?
Exercise has been proven to make you feel better.
Running, swimming, or even walking can help
improve your mood.
The best thing about the future
is that it comes
only one day
at
a
time.
—Abraham
Lincoln
33
Take steps to keep things simple
Staying organized can also keep your stress level under control.
Here are some tips to get you started.
At home
■
■ Make a list of things you want to do and put the most important ones at the top.
■
■ Make a big calendar to help your family stay on top of things.
At school
■
■ Try to get as much done in school as you can.
■
■ Let your teachers know what’s happening at home, without using it as an excuse.
■
■ Talk to your teachers or a counselor if you are falling behind.
34
Get help when you feel down and out.
Many teens feel low or down when their parent is sick. It’s normal to feel sad or “blue” during difficult times. However, if these feelings last for 2 weeks or more and start to interfere with things you used to enjoy, you may be depressed. The good news is that there is hope and there is help. Often, talking with a counselor can help. Below are some signs that you may need to see a counselor.
Are you:
■■ Feeling helpless and hopeless? Thinking that life has no meaning?
■■ Losing interest in being with family or friends?
■
■ Finding that everything or everyone seems to get on your nerves?
■■ Feeling really angry a lot of the time?
■
■ Thinking of hurting yourself?
Do you find that you are:
■■ Losing interest in the activities you used to enjoy?
■
■ Eating too little or a lot more than usual?
■
■ Crying easily or many times each day?
■
■ Using drugs or alcohol to help you forget?
■
■ Sleeping more than you used to? Less than you used to?
■
■ Feeling tired a lot?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, it’s important to talk to someone you trust. Read more about seeing a counselor or joining a support group in Chapter 7: Finding support.
35
Things weren’t easy between me and
my dad. We fought about everything.
er, I felt really
After he got canc
bad. Then the nurse told me about
this support group. I ended up
going with a friend. At first I just
listened. Then I realized they were
going through some of the same
things that I was and actually had lk
some helpful advice. Dad and I ta
more now and even laugh about the
dumb fights we had.” —Alex, age 17
DAD, I CAN’T BELIEVE
WE ARGUED OVER ALL THAT STUFF,
YOU KNOW?
Having a good discussion is like having riches. —Kenyan proverb 36
Chapter 7
Finding support
It may not be easy to reach out for support—but there are people who can help you. This chapter has tips to help you talk with your parent(s), reach out to a counselor, and/or join a support group.
Read on to find out what’s worked for other teens.
Tips for talking with your parent
Prepare before you talk.
Step 1: Think about what you want to say.
Step 2: Think about how your parent might react. How will you respond to him or her?
Find a good time and place.
Step 1: Ask your mom or dad if they have a few minutes to talk.
Step 2: Find a private place—maybe in your room or on the front steps. Or maybe you can talk while taking a walk, shooting hoops, or doing an activity you both enjoy.
37
Take things slowly.
Step 1: Don’t expect to solve everything right away. Difficult problems often don’t have simple solutions.
Step 2: Work together to find a way through these challenges.
Some conversations will go better than others.
Keep it up.
Step 1: Don’t think you have to have just one big conversation.
Have lots of small ones.
Step 2: Make time to talk a little each day if you can, even if it’s just for a few minutes.
Sometimes...
talking to friends
is not enough.
When you’re having
a hard time,
it can be helpful to talk
with a counselor or
social worker.
38
Talking with a counselor
I‘M NOT GETTING THROUGH TO MY DAD. HE DOESN’T SEEM
TO GET IT THAT I’M ALWAYS SAD AND UPSET ABOUT
MOM BEING SICK.
WELL, WE’VE BEEN TALKING
ABOUT THIS FOR A FEW MONTHS NOW.
I KNOW,
JENA, YOU KNOW YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND,
RENEE. THIS
BUT THINGS DON’T SEEM RIGHT.
IS PRETTY
YOU’RE SAD ALL THE TIME.
BAD.
OR SLAMMING DOORS
AT YOUR HOUSE.
LOOK, I DON’T THINK
YOU’RE CRAZY OR ANYTHING,
BUT. . . HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT
TALKING TO A COUNSELOR?
WELL, IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA.
AT LEAST PROMISE ME YOU’LL GO INTO
SCHOOL TOMORROW & TELL GUIDANCE.
OR TALK TO OUR MINISTER.
YOU HAVE TO
DO SOMETHING.
THIS ANGER AND
SADNESS CAN’T
GO ON.
OKAY.
I PROMISE.
Jena listened to her best friend Renee and planned on talking with the counselor at her school. Other kids talk with social workers at the hospital. Going to a counselor doesn’t mean you are crazy. It shows you have the courage to see that you need help to get through a very tough time.
39
Why go to a counselor?
Teens say it can be helpful to talk with someone outside the family—someone who doesn’t take sides. A counselor is a person who will listen to you. They will help you find ways to better handle the things that bother you and gain strength in your situation.
Finding a counselor
Talk with your mom, dad, or someone else you trust. Let them know you would like to talk to a counselor. Ask for help making appointments and getting to visits. Sometimes the counselor will even let you bring a friend.
Ask a nurse or social worker at the hospital if they know someone you can talk to.
Talk with your guidance counselor at school.
Don’t be shy about asking for help.
You may think: “I can solve all my own problems.”
However, when faced with tough situations, both teens and adults need support from others!
the shadows fall behind you. —Maori proverb
Turn your face to the sun, and
40
Joining a support group
Another good outlet is a support group. Some groups meet in person; others meet online. Some groups go out and have fun together. In these groups you’ll meet other teens going through some of the same things that you are. At first this may not sound like something you want to do. Other teens say they thought the same thing—until they went to a meeting. They were surprised that so many others felt the same way they did and had advice that really seemed to work. A doctor, nurse, or social worker can help you find a support group.
41
e about school.
“Grandma raised me to car
But after she got cancer, I had too much
nd there was a lot to do
on my mind. A
rom
to take care of her when I got home f
ted to slip. I told
school. My grades star
my guidance counselor what was going
ed some things that had
on, and she shar s. Now, whenever things
worked for other
start to get me down, I talk with my
guidance counselor, who helps me feel
less stressed. What’s best is that sheivate.”
keeps everything we talk about pr
—Nick, age 15
42
Chapter 8
You and your friends
Your friends are important to you, and you’re important to them.
In the past, you could tell
them everything. Now that
“I still see my friends, but
your parent has cancer,
things are different now. A
it may seem like a lot is
lot of what they talk about
changing—even your
seems kind of lame. They are
friendships. Here are
into going to school dances or
some things to
to the mall. Sometimes I feel
think about:
like an outsider. I worry a
lot about my dad. Stuff like
Your friends may not
who won the basketball game
know what to say.
just doesn’t seem important
It is hard for some
now. Then I found out there
people to know
was another kid at school
what to say.
whose dad has cancer. I have
Others may think
more in common with him than I
it’s rude to ask
do with friends I’ve known my
questions.
whole life.” —Hamid, age 15
Try to be gentle on
friends who don’t
ask about your
parent’s cancer or
“Talking about
how you are doing.
what’s going on with
my mom/dad is hard.
You may need to take
I know that it’s not easy
the first step.
to ask questions. Is there
Try saying something
anything you want to talk
like this...
about or know?”
43
Your friends may ask tough questions.
You may not always feel like answering questions about your parent’s cancer or treatment.
Try saying something like this: “talking about what’s going on right now is hard, but it’s nice of you to ask. The doctors are saying: [add in your own information here] . . .”
If you don’t feel like
“Thanks for
talking, try saying
asking about my
something like this...
mom/dad, but would it
be okay if we talked
about this later?”
Your friends have their own lives.
It may feel like your friends don’t care anymore. It might seem as though their lives are moving on, and yours isn’t.
It can be hard to watch them get together with others or do things without you. But try to understand that they have their own lives, too. They aren’t facing
the situation you are right now,
so it may be hard for them
“I miss hanging
to relate.
out together. I know
that I’ve had a lot on
You might want
my mind since my dad
to try saying
got sick. I’m glad
something like this...
we’re still friends.
Want to hang out
tomorrow?”
44
Having fun and making new friends
Old friends
Even though you may have a lot on
your mind, you can still get together
with your friends and have a good
time. If you can’t leave home as
much, ask if your friends can come
over. Take time to relax. It’s good
for you. Make a list of fun things you
and your friends like to do together.
Then do them!
New friends
A lot is happening to you right now. Sometimes old friends move on. You may not have as much in common as you used to. The good news is that you may find yourself making new friends. Kids who used to just pass you in the halls may now ask you how you are doing. Kids who you used to be friends with may enter your life again. Be open to new friendships.
Going to support groups at the hospital or clinic is a good way to meet new friends. It helps to connect with people who are going through some of the same things that you are. Try to do fun things together. The break will be good for all of you!
45
Dealing with hurtful remarks
Unfortunately, some kids may say mean things. Others speak before they think and before they get the facts. No matter the reason, it can hurt when kids make jokes or say hurtful things about you, cancer, or your parent.
What can you do?
Ignore the comment.
?
Say, “Hey, my dad has cancer. It’s not funny. How would you feel if it was your dad?”
Being bullied? If standing up for yourself and saying “that’s enough” doesn’t work—talk with someone. Go to your parent, teacher, principal, or school counselor. You deserve to be treated with respect.
Do not protect yourself by a fence,
but rather by your friends.
—Czech
proverb
46
Chapter 9
How you can help your parent
Here are some things that others have done to help their parent at home. Pick one or two things to try each week.
Help with care
Spend time with
“Some days I felt really good
your parent.
about the little things I could
Watch a movie together.
do for my mom. Other times
Read the paper to your
there wasn’t anything I could
parent. Ask for help
do except just be with her.
with your homework.
We didn’t always have to
Give hugs. Say, “I love
talk. Even when I was quiet,
you.” Or just hang out
I think my mom could sense
in silence.
my love.” —Vanessa, age 16
Lend a hand.
Bring water or offer to make a snack or small meal.
47
Help by being thoughtful
Try to be upbeat, but be “real,” too.
Being positive can be good for you and your whole family. But don’t feel like you always have to act cheerful, especially if it’s not how you really feel. It’s okay to share your thoughts with your parent—and let them comfort you. Be yourself.
Be patient.
You are all under stress. If you find you are losing your cool, listen to music, read, or go outside to shoot hoops or go for a run.
Share a laugh.
You’ve probably heard that laughter is good medicine. Watch a comedy on TV with your parent or tell jokes if that’s your thing.
Also, remember that you’re not responsible for making everyone happy. You can only do so much.
Buy your parent a new scarf or hat.
Your parent might enjoy a new hat or scarf if he or she has lost their hair during treatment.
48
Help by staying involved
Keep your parent in the loop.
Tell your parent what you did today. Try to share what is going on in your life. Ask your parent how his or her day was.
Talk about family history.
Ask your parent about the past. Look through pictures or photo albums. Talk about what you’re both most proud of, your best memories, and how you both have met challenges. Write, or make drawings, about what you and your parent share with each other.
Keep a journal together.
Write thoughts or poems, draw, or put photos in a notebook that the two of you share. This can help you share your feelings when it might be hard to speak them aloud.
Help with younger brothers and sisters.
Play with your brothers and sisters to give your parent a break.
Pull out games or read a book with your siblings. This will help you stay close and also give your parent time to rest.
49
The journey of a thousand miles
“Before my dad got cancer, I didn’t
take time to really notice all the stuff
I had going for me. But I’ve learned to
open my eyes